We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Kanye West vs Freddy Mercury

I don’t think much about Kanye or what he’s up to but this video has to make you laugh. He’s covering a top 10 song of all time and doing a poor job which makes me wonder what on Earth is he thinking. Facial reactions from Freddy make the video.

Freddy Mercury on the other hand is an unbelievable talent whose singing voice is one in a million. A video like this is supposed to make Kanye look dumb and tons of Kanye fans came to his defense with great comments:

“Who the fuck is Freddie Mercury and why is he trying to cover Kanye’s song”
“Here’s an idea, i’ll just let the crowd sing it because i can’t.”
“Yo Kanye, imma let you finish but Freddie did the best Bohemian Rhapsody ever”

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-30T15:45:45-04:00June 30th, 2015|Music|0 Comments

Rodman Calls Charles Smith an F’ing Dickhead…

Showtime had a documentary on Dennis Rodman’s efforts assembling a basketball team of out of shape, past NBA players to play the North Korean national team. The game took place on January 8th, 2014 and was secondary to the behavior of Dennis Rodman.

Dennis Rodman is a pitiful ambassador for the USA . He’s a full blown alcoholic who allowed the stress from the event to over shadow any good he was trying to accomplish. Thankfully Charles Smith was there to try to turn what was transpiring into a positive, which was murky at best.

Charles Smith and Cliff Robinson on the right.

The first hour of the show was going over Kim Jong Un and Dennis meeting and the scheduling of the game. Fairly slow paced. However, once Dennis assembles a team of Charles Smith, Vin Baker, Kenny Anderson, Cliff Robinson, and a few other over the hill players, the fun begins.

Cue an incredibly formal dinner as it’s the first night in North Korea for the players. Dennis does this rendition of Santeria.

At the same dinner, he ends up confronting an Irish reporter and makes a huge scene which the North Koreans were too polite to make a big deal of. The players then start having second thoughts about the game and Dennis is as unruly as ever during negotiations. It’s must see TV to see what Dennis will do or say next.

It’s not a political affair, it’s a basketball game.

The game eventually takes place and the out of shape players lose 45-39 in one half of bball. It sounds much worse than it is when you realize who was actually on the floor. Dennis was horrible and completely out of shape which shows how serious he was taking the game. The documentary ends when Dennis gets too shit faced with Kim Jong Un (which they don’t show) and he ends up checking into rehab.

I’m pretty familiar with alcoholics and Dennis was out of control for an event that was to be taken seriously. He was drinking at 10 am and giving speeches that were just plain silly. The motive behind Kim Jong Un befriending Rodman is questionable because you’d never want a man like this in your presence. I believe he was using Rodman as a spectacle to show how off kilter the USA is as a nation. The game was just icing on the cake with his players beating a bunch of washed up players.

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-30T08:58:34-04:00June 29th, 2015|Sports|0 Comments

I Can’t Feel My Face

The title is the getting older Weekend song and I just went through the weekend so I figured it would be fitting but it actually just doesn’t make sense because I can feel my face.

2 shots on the green on #10

I haven’t posted in a few days but know that I’m not pulling a Gourlay, I’ve just been busy. I played golf on Friday with Hetrick and Hafer which was a lot of fun. One memorable shot was Big Dawg and myself both driving the 248 yard par 4. I ended up shooting an 88 at Paxon Hollow.

I was pretty hungover on Sunday for a round at Lederach so I didn’t play my best duffing at least 4 shots and missing a 2 footer. I finished at 94 from the blues. I’m playing pretty well though so I still have high expectations for the golf season.

Justin and Celeste’s wedding was on Saturday and it was a fun time had by all. There are pictures all over Facebook but I’m pretty sure the one below is the only one I’m in. I should be back to regular posting starting tonight when I get some time.

The fellas. #jkc2015

A photo posted by Col (@colgarv) on Jun 27, 2015 at 5:54pm PDT

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-29T10:59:50-04:00June 29th, 2015|My Life|0 Comments

Women’s Sports!

With the Women’s World Cup in full stride, I watched this video of a Japanese goalie whiffing the ball in what has to be one of the worst displays of goal tending I’ve ever seen.

Odd that the over/under was 2.5 and with her team leading 2-0, she let this one go past. This inevitably leads to the question, at what level are these women playing? A cone could have made this save.

I found a thread in an old soccer forum that said that the US Woman’s national team played the Under-17 Men’s team in a scrimmage back in 2012…and lost 8-2. A few tweets from the match.

Beat the women’s national team today , and scored two goals. Sorry hope solo 😜

— Junior Flores (@Floresjr_) April 23, 2012

What a day. Scrimmaged U17 USMNT. lets just say i can barely walk tnite. Day ended amazing. Great meeting with @steveshenbaum. laughed a ton

— Shannon Boxx (@ShannonBoxx7) April 24, 2012

I found a game like this fascinating for 3 reasons:

1) It must be difficult for one of the best female team’s in the world to find competition outside of their nation thus having to play better teams to hone their skills.
2) Under 17 year old men are far better players than our national team. If you asked me to place my money on a team before it started it would have been a complete guess.
3) If I was a 17 year old kid I would be all over Alex Morgan

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-24T13:11:37-04:00June 24th, 2015|Sports|1 Comment

The Breakfast Conundrum

After 5 years of serving me a shitty breakfast, I put my foot down. I will no longer be giving the 3rd and Spring Garden Dunkin Donuts my business. I don’t have a personal problem with the guy who toasts the bagel but he’s terrible at his job. He aims for speed rather than serving a proper bagel. That being said, I’m looking for new options and here is the breakdown.

Dunkin Donuts

Location: ⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆
Price: ⋆⋆⋆⋆ – $4.87 for a medium coffee, sesame seed bagel w/ cream cheese, and a glazed donut.
Analysis: If you are interested in my breakdown you can read this post. The bottom line is that the bagel tastes like shit even though I’m addicted to their coffee. The price is decent and the location is perfect which is why I’ve gone there as often as I have. Wait time can be long if there is a line.

Johnny’s Hots

Location: ***
Price: ** – $6.00 for a sausage, egg, and cheese + a Lemon Snapple
Analysis: Johnny’s Hot’s is on Columbus near the Sugar House. This requires me to drive about 5 minutes to get there which isn’t horrible but it’s not great either. The price is hefty if I add a drink. I think the sandwich is tasty and the staff is nice. Wait time is usually 3-5 minutes as it’s cooked to order.

Wawa

Location: ⋆
Price: ⋆⋆⋆ – $4.54 for a bacon, egg, and cheese sizzli and a medium coffee
Analysis: I can drive to the one on 11th and Race which I saw was shutting down, the one on 21st and Hamilton, or the one on Columbus near Club Risque. Each one takes 5-10 minutes which is longer than I’d like to go for breakfast. The price is what I consider exactly average and the sizzli is the sizzli that I’ve grown to expect. It’s average. I can make the coffee myself which I like but I don’t think that puts Wawa over the top. Parking at any of them but Columbus can be an absolute nightmare which means if I’m not there by 7:30, forget about it.

Sassafras

Location: ⋆⋆⋆⋆
Price: ⋆⋆ – $5.34 for a sausage, egg, and cheese on a sesame seed bagel, and a Half and Half Nantucket Nectar
Analysis: The price is fairly high for a homemade breakfast sandwich. It takes about 4-5 minutes for the sandwich to be prepared and if there is a line (which there never is) it could add minutes. It’s right on my way to work on parking is free on the street as long as I get there by 8am. The sandwich is above average.

Spring Garden Restaurant

Location: ⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆
Price: ⋆ – 7.00+ tip
Analysis: A restaurant that opens at 4 or 5 in the morning and cooks quickly. It’s sit down so I’d have to allocate at least 20 minutes to the meal which is what usually keeps me away. It will also cost upwards of 7 bucks plus tip which would get pricey for breakfast. I always liked the idea of waking up early and reading the paper at a diner with the regulars. For whatever reason, I don’t do it often. I’ve only ever gotten the omelet for breakfast and it’s average.

Conclusion

As you can read, it’s not an easy decision. Each one has their perks and downsides. Of course I could just make my breakfast at home which I’m leaning more and more to but I haven’t quite got there yet. My perfect world would be waking up, pee / brush my teeth, out the door, drive to work where a breakfast cart sells me a sausage egg and cheese for $3.00. Has anyone tried Subway breakfast? I could also include Plaza Pizza in this list but haven’t had it enough.

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-24T08:25:18-04:00June 24th, 2015|My Life|2 Comments

Bachelorette Will Equal Women’s World Cup Ratings

*** The actual ratings numbers have not been released ***

Horn Dog Kaitlyn

The Bachelorette brought in 6.6 million viewers on Monday night. The US Open brought in 11.2 million the night before. The USA Women’s World Cup game against Columbia brought in what most likely will be in the 5-6 million viewer range based off this past data.

We’re also reminded that the 3.3 million who watched the U.S. women’s opening match against Australia was triple the viewership for the U.S. opener in 2011, while the 4.2 million who watched the next matchup with Sweden and the 5 million who saw the group-clinching win against Nigeria earlier this week rank among the largest audiences in U.S. women’s soccer history.

Alex Morgan scores first goal to give US a 1-0 lead over Columbia

Does anyone find it sad that the Women’s World Cup team, who only gets to play in this tournament every 4 years, may lose to a show that is on its 11th season promoting the same sorry story line?

The contrast in the two programs should cause worry. On one hand we have 11 girls giving it all on the world’s stage in an elimination game where a loss deprives a team from going back for 4 years. On the other hand we have Katilyn making out with Nick for an hour and half. To put this as simply as possible, Sex > Women’s Sports.

The only part of this that strikes a nerve with me is that it’s the World Cup and it feels like an exhibition game. I’ve never been a huge soccer fan but I watched the Men’s World Cup games for national pride. Other country’s take Futbol far more seriously than the US and the country deserves fan support. The World Cup is the World Cup, men or women, and the amount of people who watch it should exceed that of the Bachelorette.

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-23T15:35:40-04:00June 23rd, 2015|Sports|1 Comment

Seth MacFarlane on Howard Stern

Seth MacFarlane did an interview on the Howard Stern show today that is worth listening to. Howard has become the premier interviewer on the planet and his guest list continues to improve year after year with A-listers. Seth Macfarlane was in town promoting Ted 2 and by doing this interview hits millions of people who share similar comedic tastes.

Seth is so smart that whatever comes out of his mouth is gold and the best part is that he knows this but doesn’t act like he does. He is a prodigy. At the age of 2 he drew this picture of Fred Flintstone.

Age 9 he created this comic strip called Walter Crouton and Friends.

I’m not sure I knew my name at 2. At 7, I cried in art class because I couldn’t cut construction paper into the shape of a heart. Seth MacFarlane is getting paid by his local paper at the age of 9 to contribute a comic strip. Sheesh.

The interview was fairly tame but I think that’s because Howard respects Seth so much. A few spots I enjoyed:

The movie Ted grossed $500 million and cost around $60 million. Seth made, what he completely guessed, $30 million. Ari Emmanuel is his agent.
He graduated from the Rhode Island Design school which is one of the foremost design schools.
He is close friends with Charlize Theron but they have never banged. He lost his virginity at 20 and would like to have a family.
He works 90 hours a week and falls asleep with a book in his hand instead of banging supermodels.
He had a few drinks before hosting the Oscars.

I thought Ted was average at best and A Million Ways to Die was even worse than that. HOWEVER, early Family Guy is the funniest show with the best jokes and runs circles against any almost all other comedies . He was the entire show back in 1999 and there is a dramatic difference between those episodes and what the show has become. Whatever Seth puts his mind to comes out as excellence because he’s ahead of the curve with regard to intelligence and humor. Plus he seems like a genuinely nice guy.

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-22T17:33:29-04:00June 22nd, 2015|Celeb|0 Comments

Dan Bilzerian Turned Claire Abbott

This is a recent picture of Dan Bilzerian in one of his many group shots with girls in bikinis. Dan Bilzerian 2.0 in the background also makes this picture a bit odder but just go with it.

The girl whose arm is around him is Claire Abbott who is famous for nothing but having a nice rack. She lists singer, songwriter, and musician in her bio. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. She’s the definition of getting 141k followers on instagram for posting pictures of herself in a bikini. Her rack is disguised in the above pic so now I’m asking myself is there something fishier with this photo? More proof:

She since deleted this picture from her Instagram account. The internet never forgets.

This is her posing with Mr. Bilzerian on her personal instagram. You should still be asking where is he going with this? Bam! What the hell is going on in this world? Male Playboy Dan Bilzerian is reaching out to Instagram sensation Claire Abbott to fuck her while people are photoshopping her to sell ads on porn sites? This is the world we live in today. I don’t even think anyone is doing anything wrong here. Dan probably told his team to reach out to this hot broad in Wisconsin who he wants to have sex with and it happens. And people say money doesn’t buy happiness. I would not want to be this girl’s dad.

This Picture Isn’t Half Bad

❤️ Some friends ❤️ #room408 A photo posted by Claire Abbott ???? (@claire_abbott) on Jul 11, 2014 at 6:28am PDT

By Tom Stortz|2016-06-05T19:07:25-04:00June 22nd, 2015|My Brain|4 Comments

The Hunger Within

A title like this makes you think that the post is about reaching deep inside to achieve a lofty goal…wrong. It’s actually about me being hungry. I ate breakfast at 8am today and I got carried away at work and didn’t have a chance to eat until 1:45. As I was walking to pick up my chicken Ceasar wrap I wondered how long I could go without eating. Then I thought about a hungry hyena in the Serengeti who hasn’t eaten an antelope in the last 10 days.

The thought of survival taking place without having a meal being placed in front of you was disturbing to me. As a human, if I was going on 7 days without food, I’m pretty sure I’d go to desperate measures to assure my survival. Oh there’s Jim walking down the street… STONE COLD STUNNER… just enough time for me to eat his foot.

This led to me to another bizarre thought that included the life of a fly. If a fly flies into my car and I shut him in and drive down the road for 10 minutes, when I let it out, does it seem like he just went an absurd distance? Can it exist in an environment it isn’t used to? Does it even realize it?

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-19T15:27:17-04:00June 19th, 2015|My Brain|0 Comments

West Coast Golf Birdies!

Chamber’s Bay, Wa

The US Open plays this week at Chambers Bay in Washington which offers the chance for us East Coasters to watch golf in the evening . This does not happen as often as you think, considering the PGA was last played on the West Coast in ’98, the Masters is always Augusta, British Open (wee morning) in the UK, and the US Open was in CA in 2012. To speak to the point of the title and why my excitement level is high is because it’s 11pm and the broadcast is still going on Fox.

I don’t much like Joe Buck doing golf but at least Chris Berman is sitting on the sidelines. Choosing actual golfers to commentate instead of personality’s makes more sense to me. Buck for baseball and Berman for football. A gripe I have with the coverage is that the leaderboard should switch to lower scores more often than it does. The key to a golf broadcast is making sure the camera is following the ball smoothly and let the players will put on the show. Cue Tiger.

Worst career round at US Open

Tiger shot a first round 80 (+10). He looked old. I watched a few holes and on after one of his drives he posed exactly like I do when my hooked drive sails towards a window. His poor aura also effected the energy of his playing partners as well. Rickie Fowler shot an 81 and Louie Louis Oosthuizen shot 77. Entertaining though.

I put 10 dollars on Billy Horschel to win it at 50-1 and he fired a first round +2. He’s going to have to get hot. I’ll probably throw some 2nd round cash down for a bit more action. I’ll post it on Twitter tomorrow.

By Tom Stortz|2015-06-18T23:25:18-04:00June 18th, 2015|Sports|0 Comments