About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Phil’s Tavern Quarter Marathon

just-run-fasterOn Friday night I took it easy drinking a total of 2 beers the entire night. I hung out with Evan, Adam, Baker, Jkash, and Amber while we visited a bar or two and it wasn’t that hard not drinking. I left at around 10:45pm to JKash telling me that if I didn’t get top 5 in the race, don’t bother talking to him again. He also gave me the good advice to “just run faster”.

I slept at my parents house which is only a few minutes away from the race. I woke up at 6:30 am, drank a quarter cup of coffee which was the perfect amount to cause a stir in my system and eliminate all waste. I showered after that and felt pretty good. I didn’t eat anything which I am still undecided on how smart that was.

I did some minor warm up but I’m not a big proponent of doing much running prior to running as fast as you can in a race type atmosphere. There were 400+ participants and I lined up near the front. The race got off and I started slow. At the first mile I pushed myself into 3rd place with 1 and 2 being younger high school kids who I had no chance of beating. At the 2nd mile a guy overtook me for 3rd and me and this other bro were running together. We got to mile 5 when another guy came up from behind and pressed forward. I was in 5th with 600 yards to go and felt pretty strong as I kept accelerating. It wasn’t meant to be though as I got nipped at the line. After I finished I immediately puked which I can’t think of ever doing before. It was white acid but it had to be done. Sorry Jkash.

tomstortzphilsquartermarathon

My only cameo is at 1:19.  The quarter marathon distance is also pretty dumb but more on that for another time.

AARC presents: Phils Tavern Quarter Marathon from Brett Rogowski on Vimeo.

The only other highlights from the weekend came from beating Sam in mini-golf in dramatic fashion on the last ball rotation. Here’s the scorecard.
Umbria Golf Scorecard

Valley Forge CasinoI also won $600 dollars from a slot machine which is virtually unheard of. I was down $200 from playing Pai-Gow and Craps (thanks to the Shee for teaching me how to play) and decided to put 5 bucks into a machine for 1 spin because why the hell not. The first $5 turned into $40 which should have been enough to quit but Shee said, “you got a hot machine.” I max spun about 5 more times and hit a jackpot for $600 which put me up $300+ for the trip. The Valley Forge pool isn’t too bad for what it’s worth.

By |2016-06-29T15:35:02-04:00July 13th, 2015|Running|1 Comment

Top 10 NFL Players of 2015

"Sorry, Tom.  I'm better than you." "Fuck you."

“Sorry, Tom. I’m better than you.”
“Fuck you.”

This is a list compiled exclusively by the players who by all accounts should know more than people watching because they feel how a player changes the game, where as we only get to witness it.  Nevertheless, I have opinions on this list because I’m a fan of the game.

 

Top 10 NFL Players

Doubt that's the only pussy he gets.

Doubt that’s the only pussy he gets.

10. Rob Gronkowski – Too low.  Gronk is a top 5 player in the league.  Obviously injury prone but an absolute beast at 6-6, 265 lbs.  His 4.68 40 speed would have been 4th fastest among TE’s at the combine last year.  HE’S UNCOVERABLE.   Remember in 2011, Gronk went for 1,327 yards and 17 tds which are great WR #’s, not TE.  Last year he was 1,124 and 12 tds playing 15 games.  He’s that head and shoulders above everyone else at TE.  Absolute monster.

I see it.

I see it.

9. Marshawn Lynch – Too high.  Marshawn is unstoppable when he’s running motivated but he’s a head case.  He’s ran for over 1,200 yards the last 5 years with over a 4.0 avg so the consistency is there but he doesn’t catch passes.  He had 37 receptions last year.  Matt Forte had 102.    He’s a top red-zone back, but not the 2nd best in the league as this list suggests.

AB punts punter.

AB punts punter.

8. Antonio Brown – Awesome player.  AB led the league in targets last year with 181 and receptions with 129 (2nd was 111).  He averaged over 100 yards a game and even returned a kick and a punt for a TD.  The guy is a threat whenever he’s on the field and could arguably be named the best WR in the league.  His speed and intellect, not his size, is what separates him from his competition.

lucky-1

His beard are pubes glued on.

7. Andrew Luck – He’s been in the league for 3 seasons and has reached the playoffs 3 times never advancing further than the AFC championship game.  This is tremendous so don’t get me wrong that I don’t think Luck is one of the best QB’s in the league.  I just don’t think he has that killer instinct, like Tom Brady, yet.  This of course could develop but you have to earn your place on this list by winning as a QB.  His 4761 yards and 40 TD’s were amazing stats last year (3rd in yards, 1st in TD’s).  It’s possible he looks too much like a caveman for me to think he’s smart.

calvinjohnson6. Calvin Johnson – I’m a bit torn on Megatron.  Top notch receiver but didn’t have a great year last year.  Only playing in 13 games he battled injury and finished with 1,077 yards.  He was going off as a 1st round pick in fantasy circles last year and that proved to be too high.  Stafford is a mediocre QB in my mind which you can’t hold against Calvin, but you do.  His ’12 season of 1,964 yards and 122 catches is unreal.  His size of 6-5, 239 makes him a force to be reckoned with for smaller DB’s.  There should be one more point to be made.  If your team is playing against the Lions, and Stafford launches the ball downfield, I don’t care if you have 3 guys back there, you say, “oh shit”.

Peyton with is wife.  This is his most provocative picture.

Peyton with is wife. This is his most provocative picture.

5. Peyton Manning – When he was a Colt in 2006 and just won the Superbowl against the Bears he was the #1 player in the league.  He was still probably #1 after his historic season in 2013 when he threw 55 td’s and 5,466 yards.  Even last year he put the same numbers as Luck so how can I make this argument that he doesn’t deserve this spot?  He doesn’t win the Superbowl.  He has 14 seasons with 10 wins and only 2 losing seasons for his career, however his playoff record is 11-13.  You can’t be a top 10 football player with results like that.  My feeling on his current ability is his passes are wounded ducks and his players (DeMaryius and Julius) are bailing him out.  I think there are about half a dozen QB’s I’d rather have than Peyton, let alone players on this list.

DeMarco and Heidi Mueller.  Cheating has taken place.

DeMarco and Heidi Mueller. Cheating has taken place.

4. DeMarco Murray -Befuddling.  Yes he led the league in yards last year with 1,845 (2nd was 1,319) and caught 57 balls but I’m not sold on DeMarco.  He’s played in the NFL for 4 years with 1 year being eye opening.  I need more.  Now that’s he’s an Eagle I hope he thrives but the jury is still out on DeMarco.  I personally think Jamaal Charles, Leveon Bell, and Adrian Peterson are more explosive.  We’ll see.  I hope I’m wrong.

Slick Tom with his beautiful wife Gisele.

Slick Tom with his beautiful wife Gisele.

3. Tom Brady – Can’t argue.  10 Pro Bowls, 6 Super Bowl trips, 4 wins.  He’s getting older and his stats aren’t there anymore but he still wins.  He also doesn’t get hurt which is telling of how wily he is as a QB.  Aside from 2008 when he missed the season, he has played in 16 games every single season since 2001 (technically it was 15 in 2001).  His 50 TD season in 2007 when the Pats went 16-0 is legendary.  Tom Brady is Tom Brady.  Put him at 1 on this list and you can’t be wrong.

That's a Fu Man Chu

That’s a Fu Man Chu

2. Aaron Rodgers – Best QB in the league.  Before the days of RedZone I never got to see Aaron Rodgers throw the ball until a playoff game in 2010 against the Eagles.  It was the NFC Wild Card game and he beat the birds 21-16 but what I was watching wasn’t a normal QB.  This guy had accuracy like you couldn’t believe and winged the ball so hard that his receivers need a flak jacket.  Aaron Rodgers has TD-INT ratios like you read about, 45-6, 39-8, 38-5, 3 of the last 4 years.  If I had to pick 1 QB to start my team, it would be him.

Lucky SOB.

Lucky SOB.

1.  JJ Watt – Best defensive player in the league and can change a game in a heartbeat.  He had 3 receiving TD’s last year.  He’s the first player in NFL history to record 2 20+ sack seasons.  He’s won defensive player of the year for the 2nd time in 4 years.  How many more records is this guy going to break?  He’s a freak and doesn’t get injured (or he plays through anything).  To call a defensive player the #1 player in the NFL is probably a stretch but I can’t think of anyone else who I’d want on my D line.

 

Snubs

If I’m going to say certain guys shouldn’t be on the list I of course should say who should crack the top 10.

odell-beckham-jr

The catch.

Odell Beckham – He only played 12 games last year and went for 1,305 yards.  Do I have to hit you over the head with a tack hammer to help you understand how amazing this is?  His yardage totals for the first 3 games were 44, 28, and 34.  Do you get it yet?  He was 10th in the league in yards and 9th in receptions.   He did it in 9 games!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If I had more exclamation points I’d use them.  Teams realized he was their best option by the end of the season and his yard totals for the last 4 games were 130, 143, 148, and 185.  I’m drafting him this year.  No matter what.

leveonbellLeVeon Bell – Dual threat.  1361 yards and 855 receiving yards last year.  He only went for 11 TD’s but that will change.  I’ve watched his footage and he’s explosive like Jamaal but I think he’s a tad slicker.  He is going to miss some games to start the season but I want this guy on my team because is arguably the best back in the league right now.

vikings-camp-footballAdrian Peterson – He’ll fly under the radar this year because of his switch incident but I don’t put anything past the man.  A-Pete is/was the best RB in football.  He burns everyone on the field and can’t be tackled.  We’ll see how he does but I think his value right now is far lower than it should be.

By |2015-07-10T14:28:36-04:00July 10th, 2015|Sports|3 Comments

Alex Morgan Sell Out – With Me Oh Yeah!

I actually like Alex Morgan so I’m using this for my own amusement more than making an actual point. I also haven’t made a photoshop post in a while.

Here are a few products Alex Morgan endorses.

Not a chance she eats these.
ritz

Smile looks pretty good to me already.
trident_campaign_3

I wish I were the chapstick.
chapstick-hydration-lock-skincare-for-lips-featuring-alex-morgan-large-8

 

 

And a few she hasn’t.
Karate Kid 5 – Kicks For Real
karate_kid_1984_2

Who’s the prettiest?
queenmorgan

By |2015-07-09T22:47:05-04:00July 9th, 2015|Celeb, Sports|0 Comments

Ariana Grande Hates America

Yahoo Story

ariana-grande-2013-american-music-awards-04This is a tough one.

Ariana has cancelled her MLB All-star game show due to this video, or as she says because she is getting “oral surgery”. The story is that she asked her boyfriend “dare me”, licked some doughnuts, and then said, “I hate America” after seeing some doughnuts. If you read her statement below she “hates America” because doughnuts are unhealthy.

 

Some Thoughts

#1 – This shouldn’t be filmed. If people reviewed every single statement I said that I thought was private, they would have stories for days. This doesn’t mean I’m a horrible person, it just means I’ll say things that I don’t expect to ever get heard by anyone other than the person I’m talking to.

#2 – I agree with her statement that this could be taken out of context. I watched the episode of Sarcastaball yesterday and even though this isn’t sarcasm, it still doesn’t mean that she HATES America.

#3 – If she didn’t say America, this wouldn’t even be a story. She was born in Flordia. American culture made her famous. She’s ungrateful. This is a problem.

#4 – She can’t find a better looking boyfriend? He looks like he crawled out of the gutter.

Ariana-GrandeHer response:
“I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my country. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should have known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.”

By |2015-07-09T10:36:07-04:00July 9th, 2015|Celeb|2 Comments

Holy SHIT! This Post On Ads is AWESOME!!!!

I don’t really care if you can find legend because this ad’s importance is its creative method of click bait. I read an article in the WSJ that said the smartest minds of our country are finding ways to make you click on ads. This is one that I see how it works so well because it gives the audience a challenge, and then a sense of accomplishment by completing a challenge (that they make you think is hard).
Legend

A few other good ads I’ve see.
I like the “better than ever”. The actual ad I saw didn’t have her picture because she seemingly looks the “same as ever” to me.
lindsayvonn

This ad hit nostalgia by using American Pie, a movie that is 15 years old, girls in bikinis, and the ever popular “top 30”. Notice the arrow pointing down which spurs the “what mistake are they talking about?”
topmovies

People love love. This is targeted at more females than men but people will click on love. I’m not sure what the caption is trying to point out whether you had the flu or a cold lately but that’s trying to connect with a specific bunch of love starved ill people. Maybe that’s a much larger % of the population than I know.
lovehoroscope

A shitty ad. The people who made this are over 40. No creativity. Just the facts. There’s nothing wrong with this and the argument could be made that the MBA crowd wouldn’t fall for click bait and deserve professionalism. I’m not so sure.
shittyad

By |2015-07-08T10:09:13-04:00July 8th, 2015|My Brain|0 Comments

Female Soccer Players Make Less Than Males? Really?!?!

menvswomenWhen I read this title – “Champion Female Soccer Players Make Far Less Money Than Male Players” – I get the feeling that they’re implying that this is a problem. Perhaps if the word “far” wasn’t used, I would think they were just pointing out the facts.
Here’s the Yahoo Report.

Let’s look at some numbers:

2015 Women’s World Cup Viewers in America – 25 million
2014 USA Men’s Elimination Game vs Portugal in America – 17.3 million
2015 Global Audience of Champions League Men’s Final Barcelona vs Juventus – 180 million
2010 Men’s World Cup Final Spain vs Netherlands – 909 million

Average salary of soccer player in the USA:
MLS – $305,000 (which is quite high in my opinion)
NWSL- $14,000

World cup prize money:
Men’s FIFA World Cup – $576 million
Women’s – $15 million

US Men’s team made $9 million in prize money for being eliminated in the round of 16 vs $2 million for the women who won the championship.

 

So What?

Sepp and Morgan in 2012

Blatter and Morgan in 2012

When FIFA writes stories focusing on Alex Morgan’s looks and Sepp Blatter, the head of FIFA, not even knowing who Alex Morgan is as she was being honored as one of the 3 top players in the league, it’s fairly obvious the Women’s league isn’t generating much respect in FIFA.

Another major consideration is ticket sales, jersey sales, and general excitement surrounding an event that reaches almost a billion people vs (an estimate of ) 100 million people.  So is the breakdown of money fair?  No.

If a game is generating 25 million viewers solely in the US, the USA team deserves more than 2 million in prize money from FIFA and a shit ton more from Fox.  They’ll be plenty of endorsement deals for the women but I can be certain that Fox is making out like a bandid here.  It should be noted that the 1999 (13.3 rating) team drew a bit less ratings to the 2015 team (15.2 rating).

By |2015-07-07T13:59:32-04:00July 7th, 2015|Sports|0 Comments

Shark Week on Discovery

Shark-WeekShark Week is airing this week and I’ve turned it on a few times.  I find the topic interesting but to have that amount of shows seemingly covering the same exact thing is boring.  Discovery Channel promotes it as the next coming of Christ but there is only one part that interests me, the sharks.

I don’t care about the guy who got attacked.  Or the new drone that will take footage of the coast.  Or the new device to measure.  All I want to see is a mega (+20 ft) shark…preferably fighting another mega shark.  I’m a simple guy with simple wants.

Now after traveling in the bayou of Louisiana this Spring, crocs are equally scary (they are even in the sky!).  View this picture of the bayou at night.

LY99OXR

My fear of a shark is about equal to that of a croc. Both would be life threatening and I’d imagine death would become of me if I found my self in a compromising situation. Nature is big, bad, and evil and my #1 priority is survival. I told Jimmy survival was my life philosophy and he replied, “a profile of courage.” I couldn’t argue with that.

By |2015-07-07T11:13:58-04:00July 7th, 2015|My Brain|3 Comments

Opinions on the Highest Paid Celebrities

Full list here if you are interested.

floydmayweather1. Floyd Mayweather – $300m – His #1 ranking is why his nickname is money. For a guy who can’t read, he’s doing pretty well for himself. The earnings are obviously inflated because of the super fight with Pacquiao but Floyd still draws.  I’d be surprised if his outrageous bets are even included in this total figure.  Undefeated (48-0) and the self proclaimed best fighter ever, Floyd is worth his weight in gold.

espn_2009bww_192. Manny Pacquiao – $160m – Elected to the Congress of the Philippines, Manny is an ambassador to a country as well as an over the hill boxer.  He fell in to Floyd’s strategy perfectly which was to prolong the fight until Manny didn’t have that pop in his punch.  Either way I’m sure both fighters are happy and can live their lives with financial securtiy.  Manny will put his to good use while Floyd makes it rain at strip clubs.

Katy Perry3. Katy Perry – $135m – I’m a big Katy fan because I enjoy her total package.  Not only does she carry a slamming body but her message is positive through her songs.  With millions of Katycats around the world, she has plenty of support.   It’s been since 2013 since her last album but I suppose that’s because she’s so busy touring and earning that loot.

150413-news-one-direction4. One Direction – 130m – I have no idea where to begin with this one.  Zane left the band?  Harry is back with Taylor Swift?  Justin just broke up with Britney?  The only member of One Direction I’ve even heard of is Harry Styles and the only song I know is Story of My Life.  This band is playing to a demographic that I am out of touch with and I’m ok with that.  Goes to show that boy bands will never die.

5. Howard Stern – $95m – I listen to Howard as often as I can because his show has developed into the best show on radio.  He’s finally shed the “shock jock” persona and is now being regarded as a world class interviewer.  His America’s Got Talent contract is also boosting this total and likened his appeal as a regular guy.

Garth-Brooks6. Garth Brooks – $90m – I’VE GOT FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES!!!!  It’s the only anything I know about Garth Brooks.  Apparently he’s sold over 68 million albums which is a pretty big number and continues to land you on a list of the 10 wealthiest celebs.  I don’t think all people like country but the one’s who do REALLY love country.  I hate when I’m at a place that is blasting country and I’m the only idiot who doesn’t know the words.  Totally feel out of place.

A-James-Patterson-double-scoop-at-bookstores-9C69G92-x-large7. James Patterson – $89m – The man behind Alex Cross.  I’ve read a few Patterson books and never come away feeling fulfilled.  They are quick reads that he cranks out in his sleep.  After I read a book called Toys, I never read another one.  Being an author is all about name recognition which happens when you get notoriety for a particular book.  Then you build off of that success.   He’s written 95 books.  That’s a shit ton.  Not everyone will be a winner but more books = more sales.

8.  Robert Downey – $80m – He wasn’t always Iron Man considering this line to judge after a hearing for drug use, “It’s like I’ve got a shotgun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gun metal.”  Downey’s career started young with being a secondary member of the John Hughes “Brat Pack”.   In 2004, Downey got sober and in 2008 his career made a huge resurgence with Tropic Thunder and Iron Man.  He hasn’t looked back and charts the list as 2015’s highest paid actor.

taylor-swift-2014-sarah-barlow-billboard-6509. Taylor Swift – $80m – T Swift is hot as can be right now.   Her feud with Katy Perry has established “Bad Blood” and now the world watches her every move.  Her concerts are insta-sell outs and her performances are top notch.  Her transition from country to pop was seamless and her fans didn’t even complain that much.  The world is now shaking it off and Taylor is a global phenomenon.

Ronaldo10.  Cristiano Ronaldo – $79.5m – Soccer is a global sport and Ronaldo is the top player.  Often compared with Messi (#13) as the game’s best, his 45 goals were 2 more this season (La Liga) to take the crown as scoring champ.    I’ve only recently started watching soccer and it’s clear that he is an unbelievable  talent and earns every bit of his contract.  Plus he is ridiculously good looking which makes all the ladies swoon.

By |2015-07-02T16:00:51-04:00July 2nd, 2015|Celeb|1 Comment

Center City Sips Is Killing Me

Thank Evan for this pic of Chops from the Comcast Center

Thank Evan for this pic of Chops from the Comcast Center

Ahhh Wednesday. How you’ve come to ruin my life. If you’ve never heard of CC Sips, it’s a city wide “event” where Center City bars give “specials” from 5-7 on Wednesday’s. It essentially turns Wednesday into a weekend night and I’ve been feeling the brunt of it for the last 3 weeks.

Most people don’t get caught up in Sips like I do. They drink between 5-7 and then go home and sober up for the next day. Evan and I have been going hard through Sips and then ending at Howl at the Moon until 11. This causes me to stumble home and pass out without brushing my teeth and in the clothes I wore from the night before. As you can guess, Thursday’s are like death.

drunkI’ve wrote about the effects of alcohol many times and to put it simply, drinking alcohol to excess makes your brain stop processing information as effectively the next day. You can’t think. Simultaneous thoughts disintegrate into nothingness. My theory is that this is caused by severe dehydration. This makes work unbearable and counter productive. It is a major malfunction.

Which brings me to today and why I’m even posting this. Another Wednesday is occurring and how I’m at work is night and day compared to how I felt last Thursday. I take orders over the phone (while actually enjoying the exchange and focusing on the customer’s needs and increasing the sale), remember items that need to be re-ordered, clean up and organize my work space, and fire off emails with ease. Problem solving is a breeze. Sips is preventing my effectiveness.

productivity1Tonight I will be going to the Phillies game and not participating in Sips which is a plus. The normal question to ask is, “why don’t you not drink so much as Sips.” Why the hell would I even go then? This answer is the source of being a binge drinking alcoholic. Once I get 5 beers in me, my brain shuts off any previous thoughts like “I’m not going to get hammered tonight”.

Just imagine if I was effective for 7 days a week. I might be able to solve cancer. Sips just added a disaster to my week. Who’s coming next week?

By |2015-07-01T13:31:23-04:00July 1st, 2015|My Life|1 Comment

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