11 Hottest Instagram Models

Instagram is worthless to me aside from hot girls posting hot pictures. I see 0 other usability. That being said, the girls who post on Instagram are going balls out for attention and I tend to notice the better ones. I have my reasons for liking or disliking some more than others and I’m happy to share my thoughts.

 

mckayla

The Good Ol’ Days.

11. Mckayla Maroney (mckaylamaroney) – 885k followers
If you’ve seen my recent posts you’ll know that McKayla is on the downslide. Even still, she is an attention grabbing whore and with recent implants is letting the puppies eat pretty frequently. What a shame it won’t get better for McKayla but I feel wrong leaving her off the list with as much heat as she’s put out in the past.

throw back to my light hair equals: i just ran out of current selfies to post ????????????????

A photo posted by McKayla Maroney (@mckaylamaroney) on

 

alisonbishop

Nice beautiful normal person.

10. Allison Bishop (AllisonNYC) – 34k
The queen of the boob bounce when lifting weights. I think it’s called a clean jerk which she does so well. Flying massively under the radar with only 34,000 followers she has a vibrating gravitation to her. Her looks are pretty good to boot but she’ll take the 10 spot with the only member who can benchpress a Buick.

abigailratchford

Flawless.



9. Abigail Ratchford (abigailrratchford) – 4.7 million

But TC, she’s got the biggest boobs and the hottest look on the planet, how can there be 8 females better than her on Instagram? I know it’s not an easy question to answer but I’m going to do it by saying she’s too fake for me. I don’t mind fake boobs but when you start going fake lips, fake eye lashes, fake who knows what else, I start looking elsewhere. I certainly wouldn’t unfollow her though.

 

jordan-carver-yoga-wallpaper-2

Yoga in the morning.

8. Jordan Carver (jocalife) – 1.8 million
It’s safe to say that Jordan Carver has the biggest breasts on this list. Combined with a flat stomach and a beautiful face, she brings a standard that most can’t live up to. HOWEVER, her boobs are just too big. They are the size of beach balls. Her back seriously must be made of steel. I feel bad that she has to go through life living luxuriously and not having to work at. Right….

shot you @ouanophotography ???? #tgif #redrock

A photo posted by JORDAN CARVER (@jocalife) on

Claire Abbott

Is that 6 pack shopped?



7. Claire Abbott (claire_abbott) – 283k

A dark horse on my list. She has the girl next door look which I like. She gives the vibe that she’s attainable which I also find attractive even though it’s extremely far from reality. She also never has any dudes in the pics and is well aware of what she’s doing which is both a good and bad thing. Aside from that rendezvous with Dan Bilzerian, I figured her to be nice and wholesome. I’m sure I’m wrong.

smiley because @meundies are soooo soft ???????????? #meundies

A photo posted by Claire Abbott (@claire_abbott) on

 

Lindsay Pelas

Underboob in full effect

6. Lindsey Pelas (lindseypelas) – 4.1 million
I may have been wrong about Jordan Carver having the biggest boobs because Lindsey Pelas can’t be far behind. She is the queen of the under and side boob which is very nice. I don’t think she can help it as bikinis aren’t made in her size. She also had that period of time where she told JJ Watt that he can slide into her DM’s which is code for sliding into her vagina. She’s big time fake all over but to each their own.

????

A photo posted by lindsey (@lindseypelas) on

 

Leanna Decker

Whoops, forgot my pants.

5. Leanna Decker (leannadecker_) – 435k
This is a wild guess that Leanna is all natural but she doesn’t lay it on as thick as the other girls with regard to makeup. I like her red hair and she always accentuates her valuables. Aside from promoting products in her pictures which I understand because everyone has to get paid, her look is radiating. I’m pretty sure she was Playmate of the year many years ago.

GoodMorning #losangeles ❤️????

A photo posted by Leanna Decker (@leannadecker_) on

Amanda Elise Lee

Must be cold in here.


4. Amanda Lee (amandaeliselee) – 4.2 million
Fake boobs which stand out a bit too much but that ass works out on a daily basis. What a life. Work out everyday and look hot. With 4 million followers you can get away with it promoting shitty protein drinks. I’m enamored by that body though and she would probably break your dick off.

 

Katee Ownes on Instagram

That bra is doing god’s work.

3. Katee Owens (kateelife) – 51.7k
I’ve blogged about her before and she is straight up girlfriend material. Her look is so cute and her body so banging that it’s almost unfair. Considering she’s posted many nude videos that she sells to her members, I bet she’s an exhibitionist and wild in the sac. I’m a huge fan. I’ve thought about paying her 50 bucks to get her snaps but haven’t crossed that line yet.

How about this bikini? ????

A photo posted by KateeLife (@realkateeowen) on

 

Charlotte McKinney

That Bra may be see through…

2. Charlotte McKinney (charlottemckinney) – 1 million
Charlotte McKinney has the dimensions of a goddess. Beautiful everything and a body that people would kill for. The exact description of a buxom blonde. She’s made it into commercials and movies so she’s more than an Instagram beauty. I’d bet I’d beat her in a times table quiz and I could probably beat it in other ways too. Wow. Sweet Jesus.

Weekend can’t come soon enough ????????

A photo posted by charlottemckinney (@charlottemckinney) on

Sara-Jean-Underwood-Photos

So Freaking Sexy


1. Sara Underwood (saraunderwood) – 4 million
More like Sara GiveMeWood! Amiright? Sara Underwood is the tits. She completely works the modeling game and I’m following her around with my tongue out drooling. Her Snapchat is on point too and even better because it’s free video of her acting like a regular person. Yes her boobs are huge from implants but their not too massive where I’m turned off. She has a slamming body and such a cute face that she deserves the #1 spot. She also does nothing else but model so she travels to exotic locations to take pictures. 10/10

That bison tho ???? ???? by @stevebitanga #exploremore #yellowstonenationalpark #photobomb

A photo posted by Sara Underwood (@saraunderwood) on

You’re A Size 33, not 32

What’s the difference between 1 inch? A huge indentation in your waist and total discomfort.

ladiesdockers

When I’m feeling the leg game.

I like to purchase my clothes from Amazon because it’s cheap and I don’t have to go to the mall. I usually buy the Dockers, non-cargo, shorts for $24.99 in various colors. Back in college I ballooned up to a 34 waist and since I’ve been out I can comfortably wear a 33. For whatever reason I decided that there can’t be much difference between 32 and 33 and figured I just ran a 5 year PR in a 5k so I must be slim and trim. Unfortunately that extra inch makes a belt fit nicely compared to suffocating the life out of me.

Just so everyone knows how tough I am.

Just so everyone knows how tough I am.

Which brings me to the need to always wear a belt. I can’t quite explain but I feel naked without a belt. I don’t doubt for a second I could wear all my shorts and jeans without one but the idea that it always will keep my pants up is comforting. Plus it would be so weird pissing at a urinal without a belt Any other takers who can’t leave home without a belt?

I was having a small day...

I was having a small day…

A final pant issue is that I bought some Tommy John underwear to try out and they have a pocket in the front for what I assume is your Johnson to poke out without having to drop your drawers peeing. You can see it in the picture. Instead of pulling the waist band below your dick, you reach in the pouch and grab it up and through. I will touch my penis if I have to when at the urinal but usually I just drop it with my waist band and prop it up and out. This way I don’t have to touch it and never have to wash my hands. Just kidding. Can’t wait to shake your hand next time I see you…

Bjorn Borg Doesn’t Fuck Around

mcenroe-borg-fire-and-ice-1024

McEnroe & Borg in Wimbledon 1980

I watched a documentary on the matches between Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe on HBO entitled McEnroe/Borg: Fire & Ice. Being that Wimbledon is ongoing as I type this, I figured a tennis post made sense.

 

Bjorn Borg Holds 11 Grand Slam Titles

Bjorn Borg won 5 straight Wimbledon titles between the years 1976-1980. His most famous match came in 1980 when he faced John McEnroe, the up and coming American. This match is often cited as the best Wimbledon final ever played. The 4th set – McEnroe averted disaster and went on to level the match in Wimbledon’s most memorable 34-point tiebreaker, which he won 18–16. Born went on the dominate the 5th set for his 5th straight Wimbledon title.

The next major tournament was the US Open which Borg lost to McEnroe on the faster surface. The following year, McEnroe beat him in the finals in Wimbledon and in the US Open and that was that, Borg retired from tennis at the age of 26.

 

If You Aren’t #1…

heritage-bjorn-borg-2

Borg wins Wimbledon

Borg retired because he achieved what he set out to achieve and that was to be the best player in the world. Once McEnroe defeated him consecutively in a few tournaments, he decided that he no longer wanted to live the celebrity tennis life. I find that awesome to go out on top with what had to be a difficult decision.

767077-novak-djokovic

What Being #1 Looks Like

Most of us accept that we’ll never be #1 in the world at anything and this is a fair assumption. I’ll relate this to my own life because I can’t relate it to anyone else’s. I enjoy bowling and golfing but there is no point for me to think that I can get out of bed every day and practice the sport and have a shot of being the very best. This goes against the idea that “you can do anything you set your mind to.” Which brings me to the idea that your job is  what you get out of bed every day to do. This means that Bjorn Borg got out of the bed to be #1 in the world in tennis and I get out of bed every day to sell items that chose me. This is the conundrum.

Most of the time if you do what you really like to do in this world, you’ll be a bum. For me I’d spend my time watching TV, running around scenic parks, golfing, or learning Photoshop. Ultimately, none of these activities pay the bills. It’s not an easy idea to compute because it’s so ingrained in our society that you are supposed to accept doing work that you don’t like doing. Bjorn Borg got it right.

Yesterday’s Post

I spent about 2 hours making the celebrity meltdown post. It was a pain in the ass finding the pictures, dating the pictures, and organizing the data. I point that out because it’s not a post that comes together in a few minutes like this one. If you check the counter on the bottom right of the sidebar, you’ll see yesterday produced 274 people, with 120 coming from Facebook. So when Dave Gildea writes “clickbait” under my posts, let’s just say I might know what I’m doing.

simmonstraffic

Ben likes my traffic

Of course 120 people isn’t a huge amount but still nothing to sneeze at. It makes me want to create a part 2 of the same exact topic and use an even more revealing picture as the feature image. Title and image are all people care about. I personally thought the content was very good for that post. I’m not saying I couldn’t have done a better job if I felt like scouring the internet for worse pictures and further details of hot celebrity female collapses but I have better things to do. Oh wait. No I don’t.

Who Doesn’t Want To Read About the Tex Mex 5K?

Tex Mex 5k Logo

This is a dumb logo and I would never wear the free shirt with a tree on it.

Tex Mex 5k

Sam’s write up on his 3rd place finish at the Tex Mex 5k is worth reading if you love 5k’s. My only comment is that when you get older you don’t have as much time on hand, so training harder by putting less mileage is one of the only options to stay in shape. Good to see it worked in your favor.

My experience running the Tex Mex 5k was satisfactory as well on that hot June 22nd day. I got to the course about an hour early so I had plenty of time to warm up (lol). I was awarded the honorable bib number 1337 which I didn’t even realize until Sam’s eyes widened when he pointed out that I was LEET. I’ve been throwing in runs between 40-60 minutes along with some shorter runs about 4 times a week so I figured I was in decent shape. My time 2 years ago was 17:29 which is pretty much where I expect to be.

The Race

This has nothing to with the race.

This has nothing to do with the race.

I was in the front of the race and got boxed in immediately by slower people. I scooted to the outside to get up with a group of about 10 guys behind the lead group of about 10 guys. My mouth immediately went dry but I felt fine physically so it wasn’t a big deal. I came through the first mile at 5:30 and my legs still felt strong. I was 11:03 at mile 2 so I knew I was keeping pace which led me to believe that I would still run a good time. The first part of the last mile is up hill and I knew from my run 2 years ago that the rest was downhill. My turnover wasn’t great up the hill but I got there without too much issue. I got passed by an old man (47) going down the hill towards the end and then outkicked by a stringbean. The final stretch is straight and I could see the timer as I got closer. About 100 yards away I could make out that the time was in the 16’s and I knew that the 17:30 mark would be eclipsed which was quite inspirational mind you. I finished at 17:17 which is my best 5k time in probably a decade. Also being able to do 3 miles at 5:34 pace makes me pretty confident I can run a good mile time which I promise I’ll do soon. Full results Tex Mex 5k results.

And the Next Celebrity Meltdown Goes To…

Ariel Winter on All 4's

Ariel Winter from Modern Family. Before I fully detail this prediction (which is going off at 1-1 right now), it’s important to scour the past for hints of insanity from other meltdowns.

 

McKayla Maroney’s Downward Spiral

Hard to categorize this as a complete meltdown as there haven’t been any internal, or external, reports of it. I also have exactly 0 inside information on the aforementioned meltdown. However, I’m sensing her state of mind through her Twitter and Instagram posts since she rose to Olympic fame. Let’s watch the 4 year cycle:

Picture from the summer of 2012 when she was still training
McKayla After Olympics

Still Olympic Fame with the not impressed face
Hot Young McKayla

The Pinnacle of McKayla taken on 9/4/13
McKayla Maroney Dodger Fan

Still Keeping it Together – 4th of July in 2014 
McKayla's 4th of July

Concert Scene Takes Over and Madness Begins (still brown hair) – April 13, 2015
McKayla at Coachella

Post Boob Job – October, 2015
McKayla Boobs

Drugs Are Bad, MmmmKay – Shortly After the Last Pic
McKayla on Molly

Falling Off the Wagon – March 8th, 2016
Black Hair McKayla

Black Hair Begins – March 20th, 2016
McKayla Bikini

Who Knows What’s Next – June 7th, 2016

Black Hair McKayla Maroney

 

 

Britney Spears Goes Full Cycle (Thankfully)

The most notorious collapse from the queen of pop. She got into all sorts of wild antics like shaving her head, getting hitched in Vegas and then divorced shortly after, marrying her backup dancer Kevin Federline, and stories involving drugs and bizarre parenting. Britney has since returned to prime time with spots on American Idol and making a full revitalization of her life which is wonderful to witness that you can turn it around.

The Hottest Britney in Hit Me Baby One More Time – ’98

Britney Hit Me

Whoops I Did It Again Video – ’00
Britney in Whoops I Did It Again

Still Looking Hot but the Beginning of the Meltdown – ’04
Jan '04 Britney Spears

Britney Shaves Head and Attacks Car With Umbrella – ’07
britneyumbrella

Who Knows What She’s On – ’10
britney-spears2010

Making a Comeback – ’12
Britney Spears at Clive Davis Pre-GRAMMY Gala

Back to Healthy After Much Time (I’d guess) – ’15
britney-spears-mtv-video-music-awards

 

Amanda Bynes Jumps Off Deep End and Lands On Cement

Completely disappearing from the limelight in today’s era, Amanda Bynes had a few weeks of epic proportions that captured the American audience by storm. A beautiful young woman who got her start from All That and grew into a leading lady in films. She started taking crazy pills and never fully recovered.

Looking Hot – 2009
Bynes 2009

Maxim – 2010
Amanda Bynes 2010

Drake Please Murder My Vagina – 2013
Bynes - Drake Please Murder My Vagina

Post Boob Job – 2014
Amanda-Bynes-boob-job

Rough Times – 2014
amanda 2014

Mug Shot – 2014
Amanda Bynes Mugshot 2014

Bynes Doing Better but I Don’t Know If That’s Saying Much – Late 2015
bynes2015

 

Lindsey Lohan Fell the Furthest

Lindsay Lohan was on top of the world after Mean Girls (and even sort of with Herbie even though the movie sucked but she looked good doing it). She went from childhood cutie (remember Parent Trap), to goddess like proportion’s in Mean Girls, to cocaine addicted and DUI getting maniac, to skipping court and serving jail time. She never got back to full health which is sad and shows the dangers of being a childhood star.

The Plastics from Mean Girls -2004
lindsaylohan

Vanity Fair Shoot (Be Hotter, You Can’t)- 2004
june2004

Celebrity Status Takes It’s Toll Quickly – 2005
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One of At Least 2 Mugshots – 2007
1363883551_lindsay-lohan-mugshot-2

Riddled in Drugs and Alcohol – 2009
wenn2653215

Wigging It – 2012
lohan2012

Tough To Tell If Things Are Looking Up – 2015
Lindsay-Lohan-2015

 

 

Ariel Winter is My Prediction For Next Complete Meltdown

Better known as Alex Dunphy from Modern Family, Ariel got press for having big boobs and getting them reduced. You’ll notice that most of these meltdowns stem from having big boobs combined with drugs and alcohol. My prediction of her demise begins with the notice of her provocative Instagram pics and Coachella destination (ala McKayla) for partying.  That graduation pic at the end is the cherry on top because who the hell would wear that to graduation? I’m guessing by the time she turns 21, she’ll have at least one DUI. Mark my words.

Talks of Breast Reduction Begin – Jan, 2014
20th Annual SAG Awards - Red Carpet

Modern Family – No Idea Time Frame
9lvmCVW

Bikini Selfies – March ’16
March 2016

Coachella – April ’16
gTasbZY

Beach Time – April ’16
JrscbRe

Her Graduation Picture – July ’16
arielwintergraduation

When it happens, remember this post.

Anton Yelchin Gets Killed By Own Parked Car

Anton Yelchin

Anton Yelchin

What? On Sunday I read news of a 27 year old Anton Yelchin, who was in Star Trek dying without reading any specifics. I thought it was uncommon for a 27 year old to pass but didn’t think much of it. Then I read today that he was crushed by his own Jeep that he thought he put in park but a malfunction of the car made it actually go in neutral. Unaware it was in neutral, the car rolled down his steep driveway and ended up pinning him against his own security fence crushing and killing him within a minute. How does this happen?

Anton Yelchin's Crushed Gate

Anton Yelchin’s Crushed Gate

Seriously how does this happen? It’s like you park your car and walk down to the security gate for some reason. If it’s to open the security gate I’d have to wonder why this isn’t opened by remote control. If he was getting the mail then he didn’t hear the car picking up speed behind him? Did he have headphones in? This seems like a very hard story to understand. Absolutely tragic to go out this way. Makes me scared to leave my house. This scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm and Anton as the Magician was great though.

This story is obviously not a good one for Fiat, who produces the Jeep Grand Cherokee, because it brings further attention to their 812,000 recall of various models. This story I found particularly scary:

Car through houseThis month, an owner from Bowling Green, Ky., wrote to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to report an incident in which his wife got out of the Jeep to take their 3-year-old child out of the back seat “and the Jeep began to roll away.”

According to the owner’s account: “She ran and jumped into the driver’s seat to stop it and in the process her foot slipped from the brake to the gas pedal, driving the car through a house. Significant damage was done to the vehicle and the home, but no one was injured.”

Car through the house is never a good look.

A Solid Sunday Showing

Lebron. Dustin. Jon Snow. Richard Hendricks. You name it, Sunday had it.

Lebron Stuffs IggyLet’s start with Lebron. Aside from the joyous pleasure taking Sam and Adam’s money because of their misguided belief in the Warriors, the game was awesome. Yes I watched GoT in between the 2nd and 3rd quarters, but that’s neither here nor there, because I’ve never pledged to be a die-hard NBA fan. The final quarter was tight and right with Lebron proving why HE is the best player in basketball and why Steph is still second fiddle. It’s hilarious to think that all it takes is winning a game 7 to become the marquee player but that’s the way it goes.

Gonna have a good night tonight.

Gonna have a good night tonight.

Dustin Johnson won the US Open this week in almost dominating fashion if you watched hole 18. Despite Shane Lowry coming in with a 4 stroke lead on Sunday, and subsequently blowing it throughout the round, DJ played solid golf when the pressure was the highest. For a guy who has blown so many leads and with last year’s heartache looming, I just felt like he was going to shank one into the crowd on the final holes and he never did. Even when some noise went off that caused him to reset completely, he still managed to hit the best shot of the tournament and HIS CAREER when he hit his 6 iron from 185 to within 5 ft on 18. Before this tournament I always assumed DJ would choke under pressure but he proved me wrong and I’m happy to see a golfer of his caliber clear the hurdle. It’s hilarious to think that all it takes is winning the US Open to become a marquee golfer but that’s the way it goes.

ramsay bolton snow game of thrones season fiveLast night’s episode of GoT was a roller coaster ride. Sansa Start coming in with some of the most powerful scenes of the series when she brought Littlefinger and some army I don’t know into the mix to aide her bastard brother. The arrow shooting scene with Rickon was incredible too. One small complaint, why didn’t the idiot run in some curved pattern? C’mon, Rickon, act like you’ve been there before. I’m pretty sure the entire fan base was sighing a strong sense of relief when Ramsay was firing arrows at Jon which he shield blocked. A sick character who finally met their end. All in all it was a wonderful episode that will be talked about whenever GoT is brought up. It’s hilarious to think that all it takes is winning the Battle of the Bastards to be the marquee character in Westeros.

I rarely write about Silcon Valley but Pied Piper is really coming together with its user interface. I particularly like Richard curled in despair in the nasty bathtub. It seems like every character is equally funny at this point. You’d think I would get tired of Erlich but his shtick just doesn’t get old. I was cracking up when he was saying how Richard saved them from their nose dive only to eventually end up creating another crater. Gavin Belson also deserves some sort of award as the best CEO of a fictional series. Hilarious when he was going to bring in the Opossum. Just want to share my still favorite scene from a few episodes ago.