Be More Annoying…You Can’t

39341-ZC0QKKfYCSo0XyRN-s-The SnapChat Delay – I can’t tell if it’s only my phone but when you hold record on SnapChat, there is about a 1.5 second delay and it pretty much ruins any chance you have of catching live action spontaneously. Once the, “shit, I missed that, do it again” starts, the footage sucks. It almost makes me not want to use SnapChat it’s that annoying. Multiple times we’ve been bowling and I’m like, this is a key shot, let me Snap it. The roller is getting ready, I open the app, timing is perfect as I’m waiting with my camera pointed and the guy starts the motion and I’m sitting there holding my dick waiting for the red circle to start.

Bilary Clinton

Bilary Clinton

Hilary Clinton – Am I the only one who think that Hilary is Bill? Bill Clinton served as our President for 8 years and is most remembered for getting a blowjob from Monica Lewinsky. Realize that he’s going to be The First Man. The First Man is a pretty powerful position. Here are Michelle’s initiatives as the First Lady- become a role model for women and an advocate for healthy families, service members and their families, higher education, and international adolescent girls education. Good luck maintaining those duties, Bill. I have no problem with Hilary being a woman but a bigger problem with her being a Clinton. At this point, I am hoping Trump trumps her. Bring on anarchy and chaos. People are killing other people on the reg as it is so I can’t imagine it gets much worse (I hope I don’t have to retract that comment).

ticketmaster_feesTicket / Event Processing Fees – Where do these companies like Ticketmaster and Ticketfly get off charging insane amounts for processing fees? A computer is doing the processing and the cost is probably 2 cents. Where does this cost come from other than a way to bend over the customer. I recently bought 2 tickets to a Phillies BBQ this Saturday and they cost $50 each and the processing fees were 24% of the cost of the tickets?!?! Absurdity.

i5IQijbSweat Sleep – Now that the Summer heat is in full swing, temperatures are in the 90’s and 100’s. I keep my AC at 70 during these days and it does a good job for my house, however, my room is on the top floor and it is probably a few degrees hotter than the lower levels. I don’t sleep with any covers (do people still call them this?) and even when I’m laying on the comforter, I’m still hot. If it’s really hot I can start sweating and then not only can I not sleep but I start thinking how gross it is that my sweat is on the bed. I’ve been washing my sheets about every 2-3 weeks which would be a bit sooner than regular.

The Art of Sucking

tumblr_m4x1o1djlB1rxw5kzo1_500The last few days have been borderline miserable with regards to performance for me. I can’t blame the shakes or the spins because I felt perfectly fine. I’d even say I felt good. Let’s recap:

 

Golf

  • Starting with hole #5 at Raven’s Claw, I put a drive OB and then when I prepared a lob shot (which I hit flawlessly about 6 times my previous round), sent one flying over the green. I muffed a chip, muffed a chip, muffed a putt, muffed a putt, and finished with a 10.
  • bs14Hole #11 continued the terror as I hit a hooking 4 iron that improbably hit a cart path and bounced 75 yards into the opposing hole’s fairway. As I stood in the fairway rushing my shot as the people in front of us were looking to tee-off, I duffed one into the cabbage. After a drop in a horrible position, I cranked one out to the right in another awful spot. I then managed a blind shot to off the green, muffed a chip, and patented 3 putt for a 9.
  • I used my putter 3 times on 12 holes. That’s 36 strokes with my putter PLUS 2 more on the other 5 holes and 1 one putt. That’s 47 strokes using my putter.

Bowling

  • bowling-big-lebowskiIn Game 6 of a tie-break game with Sam, I came up lame bowling a 170 to his 212 to lose. This shouldn’t happen.
  • In Game 1 of a league match all I had to do was hit the 10 pin to virtually win the game as our anchor bowler. I missed it by what was literally 2 mm and cost us the first game.
  • I finished the series with a score that barely broke 500 which is a goddamn embarrassment. It was the right lane. Unless you string together strikes in bowling you don’t score. In the first game I had 5 strikes on the left lane and 3 spares and 2 opens on the right. It continued the remainder of the time as I didn’t have 2 strikes in a row all night. What the fucking fuck.

picard-facepalmThere are no excuses. On Saturday Bud was saying how he lost every competition he played whether it be 3 pointers, can jam, or bags. I tried to cajole him by saying “there, there” but when it happens to you it makes you wonder what the fuck is going on. Combine this with the phone at our business hasn’t rung in 2 days and the world is turned upside down. I’m still hanging in there but none too pleased.

 

 

Like Real People Do

To quote Hozier, I had a weekend like (I imagine) real people do.

Jeff and I went golfing after work on Friday and I managed to not have a single beer on the course. We had a splendid time golfing with Louis and I went home getting ready for a race the next day.

160716011253I woke up at 7am and picked up Laura to go home to meet Samuel. Sam and I went to the race together and met up with Chad and Nikki. I did the 8k while Sam did the 5k and we both ended up winning our races. NBD. We both won by 2 minutes.

After that our family held a BBQ where we can jammed, corn holed, 3 point shot out, and had a genuinely all around good time. I managed to drink a mere 5 beers during the 8 or so hours and felt great going to sleep at midnight.

The group managed a -1 for the hole.

The group managed a -1 for the hole.

I woke up at 5:30 and drove to play golf with Bud, Adam, and Watkins. We had no 90’s in the group and I manged a 102 to give you an idea of what an outlier looks like. I actually thought I played OK aside from some short game woes and blow up holes. Watkins 81 from the blues at Raven’s Claw won but Adam had a 2 footer away from an ace and Bud was all around good. Fun time.

That leaves me here at 12:40 when I sometimes am waking up for a Sunday. I feel good and am going to eat some food, go for a run, and maybe bowling later. Good times.

Hear Some Words You Should Know

Here are 3 songs that are in the top 3 of Spotify’s Global Top 10 and you only have to listen to the first 10 seconds to hear intros that are nearly identical.

Chainsmokers – Don’t Let Me Down

Shawn Mendes – Treat You Better

Sia – Cheap Thrills

The Formula

Aside from a neat observation are there any concepts to take from this? Yes. If you aren’t Sia, Max Martin, or Dr. Luke, don’t bother writing songs. The formula is the formula and will stay the formula until people decide they don’t like the formula any more. Here is a funny song that I didn’t know existed about Pop music.

Marianas Trench – Pop 101

Let’s Talk Odell vs Norman

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The reason he’s become so relevant is because of me.”

 

Why Odell Will Come Out On Top

demi1Preach Odell. The chance of Josh Norman shutting down OBJ (I’m not sure why I used to refer to him as ODB) this year without Carolina’s front 7 is a fucking joke.  Carolina’s defense ranked 6th in yards allowed and 1st in takeaways. The Redskins ranked 28th in yards allowed and 8th in takeaways. This is going to be a bloodbath when the play.

Odell’s stat line for the game Norman body slammed him is deceiving as he had 6 catches for 76 yards and a score. Most fail to mention that he dropped a 60 yard pass where he blew by Norman that would have been an easy TD. Read all about that game in my post here.

 

My Current Fantasy Draft Order

2XYUGIf I get the 7th pick in the draft I’ll take Odell.

My order for the top 7 is:
1) AB
2) Le’veon Bell
3) AP
4) David Johnson
5) Gronk
6) Gurley
7) OBJ

I'm not sleeping on AP

I’m not sleeping on AP

I’m not drafting a QB early and love securing Gronk with a TE spot. I didn’t get a good RB last year in either of my leagues and managed fine with Muscle Hamster and the Ivory Tower, so I don’t think you have to go RB in the first round which is a common misconception. Drafting Mark Ingram or Shady that high this year is laughable. Give me ol’ reliable AP or Jamaal who is being drafted ridiculously late.

I’m seeing some mocks with OBJ going as the 2nd pick and even I can’t get on that train. I believe he’s next level talent but Antonio Brown is even freakier. The steadiness of David Johnson with his screen passes is not a trait to ignore. I’m saying right now that I’m taking the over yards in both of his matchups with Norman. Any takers?

AHHHHH. Football is almost back.

76 Is Still Fastest

A cause of indecision and traffic is the result

A cause of indecision and traffic is the result

I was in the car yesterday with JC and we were heading to Upper Darby. He stupidly told me to take 95 South (which isn’t even the right way) and I told him to relax, trust the GPS. The GPS had us taking 76 and this had JC’s mind in a tailspin. He has this old time thought that 76 should be avoided at all costs. He couldn’t be more wrong.

76 is usually a giant cluster fuck as there are only 2 lanes for far too many cars. It can be infuriating driving on 76, and I understand the urge to stay away, but it’s the fastest route 90% of the time even when there is traffic. Since there are no actual lights, it just feels slow when you are sitting in traffic. I live by the motto of doing whatever the GPS tells me. If it says 76 will be the fastest even with traffic, I sit in it.

Untitled-12I use my GPS for virtually every drive nowadays. Even if I’m only going to South Bowl, I want to know if I should take 95 South or to take Delaware Ave. It’s routine at this point in my travel. For people like my dad I wonder what the aversion is to this useful information. How many other people go through life like this? Oh well.

Any Given Wednesday w/ Bill Simmons

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I recently, 5 minutes ago, watched an episode with Mark Cuban, Malcolm Gladwell, and Bill Simmons within HBO’s Any Given Wednesday with Bill Simmons series. The interview ended within 15 minutes and when Bill Simmons said, “goodbye”, I was disappointed.

Malcolm Gladwell for Time Magazine by Bill Wadman, October 2008I don’t get disappointed often but when Mark Cuban (a genius businessman and billionaire who understands the value of money better than anyone) and Malcolm Gladwell (a genius who finds keys to the way this world works frequently) are on a panel together, it’s smart to listen. The problem is that Bill is the host and although I wouldn’t call him bad, he isn’t a magnetic host. He roams the middle (which is fine for a host) but when you have extreme geniuses on your show, you aren’t delivering the questions that are edgier (“Cuban – what makes a good owner*?). I wanted more of the conversation between Gladwell and Cuban because Bill needs to be more opinionated.

dallas-mavs-dancers-facebook

Act like Cuban has no idea what he is doing.

I have only watched 1.5 episodes of Bill Simmons so I’m not passing judgement quickly but I think he lacks the enthusiasm, which I’m hoping comes because he is getting great guests. Nice alliteration by accident.

*Cuban says that the feeling of the town of Cleveland when they won the Championship is worth more than money. They go hand in hand. When you win, you spur the economy like hardly anything else on our planet can.

lebron

Most Hated People at the Moment

People in power are downright dirty and have probably lied, cheated and stolen their way to the top. Here are the top candidates of the past few weeks.

 

Taylor Swift

K3oqm37Fuck the Swifties. Everyone thought Kanye was the mastermind but it’s actually T Swift. The whole “Kanye never showed me the lyric” act was put on blast by that massively bottomed woman and people started getting pissed at Taylor because she had agreed to its use. These characters are so goddamn calculated that I believe 0% of whatever it is they show the world. You should too. Here’s what really happened:

  1. Kanye asked Taylor a head of time if they could start some beef. She instantly knew the VMA’s were coming up (August 28th)  and that she hasn’t released an album since Oct ’14 and is out of singles.
  2. She agreed to Kanye coming up with the most far fetched idea (that she would have sex with him) and staged the call Kim snapped. Kanye has to involve Kim to keep up the ratings of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
  3. Now the beef is back between the 2 parties and all media is eating up. It will be the most talked about story line from now until the next ridiculous set of events begins.

 

Donald Trump

giphyThe ultimate con artist. Do you honestly believe that Donald didn’t tell Melania to copy Michelle Obama’s speech? I imagine these two sitting in bed and Melania shitting bricks about having to give a speech because her English sucks. Trump doesn’t think twice and tells her to copy Michelle’s and we’ll figure it out later. No press is bad press and bad press is what Makes America Great Again. I don’t think he shoots from the hip as often as people think he does. He purposely pisses people off knowing exactly that he does and says wrong things. It’s like he bends the people as far as possible without breaking them. When I watched John Oliver’s episode on Trump University he made the point that Trump doesn’t sell purpose, he sells you an attitude. Same concept with politics. He has no clue what he’s doing with the policies but he makes you feel like you are part of a radical change by insulting others and generally being a bad ass.

 

Kevin Durant

0551639001457543927_filepickerSelling out is sad. Oklahoma City has a genuine affinity for KD and watching a player trade love for gold is hurtful. The Thunder were 1 game away from the finals last year until Klay Thompson went nuts. This was not a superstar who left because his team sucked. He left because he knows that players are only remembered for how many championships they win and adding his fire power to GSW should be unstoppable. How often do people reference Karl Malone and John Stockton? What about Patrick Ewing? Reggie Miller? Guys who don’t win are always second class and Durant sold out to be part of a team that won the most games in NBA history WITHOUT HIM last year. I hope that he fucks up the chemistry and the team completely falls apart. You have my word that at least 3 of the Warriors 4 stars will get injured next year.

 

A Concoction of Shit

I have about 10 ideas for posts and they are all shitty so they don’t warrant their own post. This leaves me with a lot of ideas that I’m going to use bullet points because people love bullets.

  • rodgershbo_fullsize_story1I enjoy John Oliver and dislike Bill Simmons. Oliver is a spark plug and Simmons is a glass of water. I look forward to John Oliver’s recap of relevant topics and I only watched the Ben Aflac interview and Aaron Rodger’s and I fell asleep half way through. Oliver makes boring topics interesting and vice versa for Simmons. What the fuck was Simmons wearing?
  • FHmCCSKI’ve been listening to the top 45 on Sirius the past 2 weekends and hate to admit that I enjoy some pop. Charlie Puth and Selenies with “We Don’t Talk Anymore” and Timeflies “Once in a While” have made my playlist.  I like these songs but the catch is too…catchy, which makes them last about a week or two. I also envision Selena singing those hot lyrics to me as I let her know “we don’t talk anymore.”
  • Eastern diamondback rattlesnakeOur bowling squad had the best night of the season tonight and only managed a 2-2. Evan rolled some 226 heat with his high game of the year and Sam followed with a 244 which helped but wasn’t enough to offset some clunkers. We are middle of the pack after the 0-4 last week but we’re making head way. It sucks when the averages go up and you don’t win many games. I rolled a nice 600+ series and even left some easy pins on the table so I’m pleased.
  • golf-slide3I’ve been enjoying golf even though I’m not exactly scoring. Same issue with not practicing enough to elevate my game. The pars are coming but I’m having far too many blow up holes. I had 7 pars on Saturday but instead of combining that with bogey’s, I’m tossing in many doubles and triples. It’s only July so I’m expecting to post some better rounds in August now that I’m warmed up and feeling good.
  • Rounders Knish and The Big Lebowski's Jesus

    Rounders Knish and The Big Lebowski’s Jesus

    The Night Of is a worthwhile TV show. Boggs is coming off as the most watchable character with Turtorro not far behind. The portrayal of the criminal justice system seems quite lifelike. Danny McBride in Vice Principals is entertaining but the Walter Goggins as Russell steals the show. It’s not a good show but I’ll laugh through it.

So that’s all I got. I’ll try to run some posts together but I’ve been struggling with good content. Til next time.