We Don't Walk Slow

A Non Shitty Ranking of Black Mirror Episodes

Black Mirror is a worthwhile show. Probably not as good as people rave, but gripping and unique. Each episode is unto itself which is nice because you can jump right in at anytime. The best part of the show is the realistic approach to the future. Without a doubt, the tech they bring into the show is a glimpse into the future the same way the Jetson’s were. Seeing where we are going and the problems that most likely will arrive is what makes even shitty episodes ok.

I didn’t like every episode, and some I thought were awesome, so here is my ranking of the 19 episodes.

Black Mirror Episode Rankings (Worst to First)

19. Arkangel – Jodie Foster directed this dumpster fire. The granddad was the only likable character and he died half way through. The mom was a bitch. The girl was annoying. The point was asinine. Total chick episode that sucked.

18. Be Right Back – Best part was watching Hayley Atwell’s huge boobs being squeezed when she was getting ready to bang a robot. Complete snoozer because the idea of loving a robot and expecting him to be the same is stupid. Attic man should have jumped.

17. Crocodile – What a bad episode. The only neat idea was being able to get a visualization of memories and this episode shows why it would suck for that to happen. The murdering spree seems like a poor solution to an odd problem.

Black Mirror S1 EP5-6

16. Playtest – I liked the video game angle behind this, but it fell short. Not calling his mom seemed irrelevant. The girl story line had nothing to do with it. The episode seemed a smattering of ideas that failed. The chip delving into Cooper’s brain to formulate horrific memories was pretty cool.

15. Men Against Fire – When it seemed like the army was killing “roaches”, I wanted to know why they were roaches. Then you find out the army is using software to make them seem like “roaches”, and my brain rejected the idea. The camera for that first attack sequence gave me a seizure. The butch chick was whack and the ending was stupid. More could have been done, as such, I didn’t care for this episode.

14. The Waldo Moment – The relationship angle between Waldo and the girl had some traction and than it fell flat. Use this relationship rather than crushing it would have made it better. Showing how the people would rather vote for a cartoon who goes against typical politicians is a strike on society. I was entertained throughout, however, I didn’t care about the outcome.

13. San Junipero – When they played the song “Girlfriend in a Coma” by the Smiths, it dawned on me what was happening. I see some people rave that this was the best episode of the series and unless you like 2 time traveling lesbians, I’ll pass.

12. The National Anthem – Pig fucker. The situation is far out, but the hypothetical seems like this would be an earnest way for it to play out. Too off the wall in my opinion which made it not my favorite episode, but still had its merits.

11. Shut Up and Dance – Hard for me to diss an episode with Bronn in it, but how did the kid beat the guy at the end? Pretty much ruins it for me. Using the meme face is funny and I like how you go through the episode feeling bad for the kid only to nail him for kiddie porn at the end. Kind of long and drawn out. This was the kid from The End of the Fucking World which had also didn’t wow me.

10.White Bear – Same concept as the episode above. You go the episode feeling bad and then realize what was going on. The premise of the episode is neat, and so is the execution, but I didn’t buy the whole performance and why would you waste 30 days doing that to one person? The masks of the hunters were badass and I expected much more.

9. Nosedive – Holy shit, Alice Eve is hot in this. The whole social ranking system is a tremendous idea that made me feel satisfied that I care so little about it. Wonderfully done in this episode. Amazing really. I should probably rate this higher just for that. If you watch this episode and come away thinking you aren’t like this, good for you. Unfortunately, we are heading this direction. I loved the end when they were yelling at each other in the jail cell because the pent up honesty was shining through. I thought the conversation with the truck driver was great as well.

8. Hang the DJ – Another episode using a Smith’s song which gets bonus points in my book. The simulation was neat and the dating app being 99.8% correct was rewarding. I’m not sure I get exactly how the simulation occurs without them remembering what happened in previous relationships. My favorite part was when the guy looked at the timer and it had to start re-calibrating because he’s a distrustful douchebag. Without knowing what was going on, I liked that. Sort of floundered the ending in my mind.

7. Black Museum – Torn a bit on this episode. The Black Museum curator was tremendously played. I thought the 2 short medical stories leading up the climax were very well told. Especially the pain doctor. Not sure why I enjoyed that so much. The ending was blah to me. Seemed dumb because it’s like, “we’ll make this girl her daughter out of nowhere.” The water part was once again, dumb.

6. USS Callister – Same great concept of feeling bad for an asshole. I loved that fat Matt Damon (Jesse Plemons) got it coming to him at the end. This was one of the earlier episodes I watched and the acting was tremendous. The whole pizza scene at the end was bogus, but bitch don’t kill my vibe. Plemons acting out his fantasy in the ship was compelling. Psycho.

5. White Christmas – A cool episode. You could feel the episode building as Jon Hamm’s story kept progressing. I didn’t see the ending of his story coming. Then moving into the other guy’s, it was like the build just getting bigger. I thought the finale was awesome and liked the censorship towards the end. Great episode.

4. Hated in the Nation – I had this episode at 2 at one point and it kept sliding up and I’ll reveal why at the end. The villian teaching a lesson to society with the #deathto seems like a great idea to me. How he leads that hottie, Blue, through some traps led me to think she was in on it. Then the Asian police officer couldn’t do any part of his job right. The bees were a little much, but I like the idea of underestimating technology. Kind of a feeling that society has it coming to it by being dumb asses.

3. The Entire History of You – Liam was the best alcoholic I’ve seen acted. He had me cracking up time and time again. “I didn’t say you were a bitch, I said you were being a bitch.” Plus what kind of a name is Fee? She was slamming though. “What kind of a name is Jonas? What a knob.” He was awesome. And right. This made me feel like it would be reality if we could rewind, and view, our entire lives which is what I’m always looking for.

2. Fifteen Million Merits – Perfect depiction of where our society is heading. Loved, loved, loved this episode. Bing’s glass to throat speech was as good as it gets. The acting was first rate. If this guy didn’t win an award, he should. I don’t think they tied the singing girl’s role in enough. I get it, but it disappeared. Plus they could have used the other jealous girl and the hilarious asshole more. Other than that, this concept could have been a series itself. Loved it.

1. Metalhead – I’m not even sure why I liked this episode so much because I didn’t even know what was going on. It had to be how bad ass those dogs were. It felt like Resident Evil avoiding the dogs through the window. The throwing stones at the dog to waste the energy (where did the stones comes from?) was brilliant. Then again with the paint idea. Then again with giving up once she got a tracker in her jugular. Loved the black and white and the darkened state they were in looking for a goddamn teddy bear. This to me felt like an apocalyptic reality where humans created machines that they couldn’t control. The black and white was fucking awesome and I loved every second of the dog overcoming obstacles. Driving cars. Opening doors. Blowing people’s heads off. Tracking like a blood hound. GREAT GREAT GREAT.

Final Thoughts

I looked at the IMDB ratings and Metalhead was ranked #19 out of 19. For some reason this gives me joy. I wasn’t too far off with my other rankings compared to other users. White Christmas tops the list which I understand. Hang the DJ got the 2 spot which is too high. San Junipero was 3 and that is so totally a chick flick. How Metalhead got last makes me think that people are either 1) girls 2) not smart enough to realize this is what happens when you build machines that are too smart

By Tom Stortz|2018-04-25T23:15:18-04:00April 25th, 2018|Tv|3 Comments

What I Missed Being Away

After being away from Friday to Monday last week, and being removed my routine, I came back with some unfinished business. Here is what I did to catch up:

Rick and Morty – These characters act exactly like they are supposed to based on their personalities. This is what makes the show so good and it’s that the characters don’t deviate. I can’t stress this enough because once you get to know a character, you laugh with how they experience whatever the writers have them do. Classic lines over and over.
Game of Thrones – I saw some tweets on Sunday night about some javelin throw so I knew it was coming I just didn’t know when. Frankly I thought it was going to be when Gendry was running his sub 1 hour marathon back to the wall. Either way, this show has jumped the shark. The characters have turned into mindless morons. I won’t reiterate the stupidity of the timing and Uncle Benjen literally being a tardo, but the show is going downhill.
Read Fantasy Football Updates & Mock drafts – If you’re in my league, just know you’re up against a seasoned vet. I’m up to date on all the teams and expected usage with players that I think are going to get the opportunity. I have my first auction draft tonight and feel comfortable with who I’m targeting. I have subscriptions to FantasyLabs, FantasyPros, and PFF which will carry me through the season. I’m in over $500 dollars worth of leagues and will use a $500 DF budget which hopefully won’t get wiped out after the first 2 weeks. Leggo.
Exercise – This is the hardest part with being away. I came back feeling like a fat shit after drinking 50 beers and eating whatever the hell i wanted for 4 days. When I got back I gutted out a 6 mile run and then did at least 7 yesterday with 4 on the track. This is a necessary part of my life that gets put on standby for trips.

By Tom Stortz|2017-08-24T12:22:39-04:00August 24th, 2017|Tv|0 Comments

Popular Cartoons Seem To Fade

Above is a 30 minute video on the fall of the Simpsons. I watched it yesterday and was amused throughout. There were a lot of good points that echo what I had in my mind when I decided to stop watching 20 years ago. Just a few reasons why the decline occurred: loss of writers, characters started behaving away from their characteristics, and episodes that started becoming too far fetched. I can’t comment on mostly anything past, and I’m guessing here, season 10, but the show started to suck.

The same quality control happened to Family Guy. Seth MacFarlane got less involved in the show, the characters started becoming less of themselves, and the jokes were used up. The first few seasons of Family Guy stack up against any comedy because they were unique, intelligent, and over the top. The jokes had a darker feel and plot lines just as funny. People who bash them for cuts are angry people. I give South Park a lot of credit because their seasons are still as funny as ever, but remember they still have Matt and Trey pulling all the strings whereas I feel like Seth stopped.

This brings me to a new show that I watched for the first time last night that I thoroughly enjoyed. It’s not Futurama, even though I have seen a few episodes recently and was chucking throughout, it is *Drumroll Please*…Rick and Morty.

I was aware of Rick and Morty but had never seen an episode. Then when I was doing my TV post 2 weeks ago, I noticed it had a 9.3 rating on IMDB which is way above other shows that I knew I liked a lot. That surprised me. How could a show on Adult Swim have such a high rating? Last night I watched 2 episodes from season 3 before I went to sleep and was cracking up. It was sophisticated. It was hilarious. The characters were tremendously funny (big Rick fan). I completely enjoyed that 22 minutes of time. I will be watching more and I’m sure it’ll make the blog.

By Tom Stortz|2017-08-14T14:44:33-04:00August 14th, 2017|Tv|1 Comment

The TV Show Master

Sam commented on my last post calling me the TV Show Master so I wanted to write a post on TV.

I’ve definitely watched a lot of TV in my lifetime. There are so many good shows out there that it’s easy to get hooked in their world that’s exponentially more exciting than mine. What intrigues me is that I don’t remember what I liked about the TV show a lot of times, I only know how much I liked it.

For instance, I remember thinking the first season of Fargo was one of my favorite TV shows ever. Yet all I can remember is that Billy Bob and Colin Hanks square off in the end. That’s it. All other details are zilch. That was only 3 years ago. Imagine TV shows that go back further than that. Sopranos? Aside from the episode with Christopher and Paulie hunting down the Russian (and the next scene if you watch that), and Meadow being a dumb name, that’s all I can remember. Dexter? Rita was hot. Boardwalk Empire? Nuckie was a dumb name. That’s the extent of my memory.

I’m not joking either. I remember liking the shows, but I don’t know the specific reasons. I can only convey the feelings I remember when I was watching them and what impression they left on me. With that in mind, I do have some qualities of shows that I do like:

Intelligence – I don’t want to watch people who are dumber than me. They have to be crafty and adapt to their circumstances in ways that I would have not thought of. Think Jaime Lannister in the last episode where he outwitted the attack on Casterly Rock. He’s a likable character along with Tyrion. Intellectual depth to the characters is a must for a memorable show. I also noticed this with Marty from Ozark, Mike from Better Call Saul (and Breaking Bad), and Michael Scott from the Office.

The Fear of Death– Most quality shows have some suspense that is always lingering. Characters are never safe and there’s always the fear that the next episode could be their last. If you know the character is going to make it, then why they hell am I watching. I want to know that their life is always in danger.

Clever Wit – Varga from the 3rd Season of Fargo is my best example (that I can remember) that each time he spoke I was curious to know what words he was choosing and how he was using them. Every piece of dialogue was calculated and this kept my interest. Other characters who come to mind were Omar from the Wire but more with his actions. Billy Bob in the first season from Fargo is also on the list.

Realism – This is the #1 reason I like a show. If I can’t believe what is going on, I lose interest. You can say, “in GoT there are dragons, that’s not realistic.” It doesn’t actually have to be realistic, but the people have to act realistic to their surroundings. If one guy is acting questionable, and there is not a good explanation for why they are acting that way, then I tend to say, “that’s stupid.” #1 reason for why I turn a TV show off

I like other shows like Arrested Development, Family Guy (the first 5 seasons), South Park, Silicon Valley, and The Office (mainly for Michael), but I wouldn’t categorize these comedies as first rate television. Real life is necessary for a good show.

I’ll close with a good clip.

By Tom Stortz|2017-08-03T23:55:27-04:00August 3rd, 2017|Tv|0 Comments

Stop Comparing Ozark to Breaking Bad

If you think Ozark is as good, or even on the same playing field as Breaking Bad, you need your head examined.

Sam texted me last week saying he liked Ozark, released on July 21st, and asked if I was watching it. I wasn’t. I honestly had never even heard of it. As I tend to do with shows I like, I watched the 10 episodes over the next few days.

For me to watch 10 episodes over a few days, you’d rightly come to the conclusion that I liked the show. Without going into details that people who haven’t watched the show wouldn’t enjoy, I’m going to evaluate a few of the characters which will have zero impact on the actual plot line. If you haven’t watched the show though, I don’t know why you’d read ahead.

The Characters Who Sucked

The ultimate combo

Roy Petty – Tongue in cheek title to this selection. It’s not that I necessarily thought he did a poor job acting but his character was too over the top. I felt like most of his interactions were forced and as much as the show wanted to put insight into his life, I didn’t give a shit. What the hell was going on with his mom scenes?

Mason – He’s the preacher. The strange robbery to open episode 5 felt like it was going to lead into some monumental secret, but all it led to was a monumental let down. He was bad. His wife was worse. And they both sucked.

Not her fault.

Jordana – I didn’t even know the woman’s name was Jordana which should clue you in on her remembrance factor. I didn’t think she did a poor job and could have easily landed with the “average” characters. I would have liked to see her play a bigger role because she had that attractive sass. Instead, she was just kind of…there. “Marty, Get Out!” Change the record.

Average Characters

Some R-tard bought him that gun.

Jonah – I understand that he was supposed to have character development that was feeding off of what he was going through, but c’mon, 0-60 in 1 summer season. He’s 12 and he knows more about the economics of drugs than 99% of the population. His passion for guns comes out of nowhere. You could look at it like he wants to protect his family but he’s 12. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even cook an egg at 12.

That’s a raccoon midflight.

Wendy – She has a place in the show it’s just that I didn’t like it. I didn’t buy into her whole spiel. Her scenes felt out of place like that political interview and the real estate bs. She was as calculated as Marty it only felt softer and worse. She was along for the ride when she needed to be in the captain’s chair with Marty. I’m sure people would disagree with her overall competency, but she left me with a boredom factor most scenes she was in. Perhaps this was because I was rooting for Marty and she was my Skyler.

Just going for a swim!

Charlotte – All I have to write is the boat scene where she gave it up. What on Earth was that doing in this series? Unless they plan on coming back for season 2, that was so out of character and you can argue “rebellion”, but she’s fucking 15. That swim scene at the end of episode 8 was bizarre too. Good looking girl though (actually 18) who played her role well. She just had nothing pivotal to add except asking questions to her parents which were always answered by, “Charlotte, for one time in your life, do as I say.”

This kid and his fucking guns.

Buddy – I liked the idea that he was terminally ill because it gave some intrigue to his situation. I must ask, what was the purpose of him walking around naked? To show he doesn’t give a fuck? He can still not give a fuck and put on pants. He provided a bit of comic relief, and was an integral part, but he didn’t blow me away. Do I remember him as the lawyer in Scarface who says “Tony, baby, when you’re caught with millions, it’s hard to prove you found it in a cab?

A beautiful friendship

Russ & Boyd – I’ll combine these two numnuts. If you’ve watched, Russ’s character was so out of the blue that this is what makes bad shows. It’s just not believable that a poor, drunk, redneck will get involved in some gay relationship with his fishing buddy. Just don’t get it. Plus how dumb can he be with that Ruth shit? Boyd could have easily been a chair and I wouldn’t have noticed a difference in the show.

Who Made the Show Above Average

The happy couple

Wyatt – I liked Wyatt tremendously. He looked the part which was extremely important for a show of this caliber. I had to believe that he was some hillbilly that had intellect and he did a good job for me. His love interest with Charlotte was respectful and went nowhere which is believable. I liked the arc of his character and hope he comes back in season 2.

The Fucking Man

Del – Ruthless. Calculated. Meticulous. Del was an amazing villain. You were scared when he was on screen because you knew his character was unpredictable. He is the reason I would say I watched onward from episode 1. He wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty and as the season went on you got a sense of the type of person he was. For example interviewing all the financial analysts to pick his new launderer. Cool stuff.

Looks like she’s out of a Stephen King book.

Ruth – Give this woman an award. Captivating when she was on screen. She had that wild hillbilly look combined with the sophistication of a mastermind. I enjoyed her performance and would say she was a HUGE reason to watch this show if it wasn’t for my #1 below. She was tough as nails. Didn’t take shit. You knew she was capable of murder which made her wickedly fun to watch. Plus her whole look was perfect. Great, great, great, character.

The beginning of the end for Marty. Does that even make sense?

Marty – I’ve ragged on Jason Bateman in the past for a stretch of movies that included Extract, Couples Retreat, Horrible Bosses, The Change-Up, and some shitty movie with Mellisa McCarthy called Identity Thief. I’m sure it’s the same character in each movie as the lovable loser. I also felt he was the character who kept Arrested Development moving without adding nearly as much as the supporting cast. However, I watched Bad Words and this is a similar character as Marty Byrde who I absolutely love.

Literally I would get excited whenever other characters used the name “Marty Byrde”. He is untouchable. He’s got a plan. He’ll make it work. His emotional range is on a short spectrum for this show and that’s exactly where it should be for his situation. His remarks were clever and you got the feeling that he could talk his way out of anything. He always had his family in mind which was fun to watch. Bateman was the super star of this show and I would watch season 2 strictly for his performance.

My Opinion on Ozark

I’m going to place all the spoilers here so stop reading.

This was no Fargo. The FBI agent being gay with Boyd was straight up bizarre. Your telling me they couldn’t come up with any other angle other than the two of them being gay? So 2017. Charlotte’s entire scope was worthless to me. Jonah being the protector seemed off to me. The show would have gotten so much better if Ruth’s dad got involved but I guess there is always season 2. The Snell’s came out of the blue as the central opposition to the cartel which was ho hum in my mind. I liked Marty and the Cartel so much more without the Snell’s. I’ll give props to Jacob’s wife Darlene for making me believe she was a psychopath (and delivering). The money aspect for the Snell’s didn’t make a lot of sense to me. You’re in bumblefuck Missouri and you just got 700k from Marty and you do what with it? Buy some land to make moves on the power plant? The fuck is that.

It was a good show. I put it on par with Stranger Things but that still wasn’t elite. Show’s sometimes force too many storylines and unless everyone is first rate, it detracts from the show. Like Wendy and the real estate bullshit. Think up something better for her. Other than that though, diabolical characters like Bateman who weave their way through other characters is entertaining. Stay focused on what works and this could have been up there.

By Tom Stortz|2017-08-02T22:15:19-04:00August 2nd, 2017|Tv|1 Comment

GoT Types

I take you back to April 11th, 2011. HBO was catching fire with series like True Blood, Curb and Boardwalk Empire, while Showtime was living large with Dexter. Television was great and there was a new series getting practically no attention, Game of Thrones. I watched the first episode and remember being like, “who the fuck are these people.” I understood nothing and eventually went to the HBO webpage to learn more about each family and who I was watching. With a general interest growing, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought all of the books. In a span of a year, I had caught up to as far as George R.R Martin would take me. Since then, I’ve watched a series explode, and not in the good way.

There are a few types of Game of Thrones fans who I’ll describe as I see it:

The GoT Nerd – These are the fans who literally know everything about GoT. They’ve read the forums. They are up to date on the latest rumors. The get excited when they find their “Easter Eggs.” It’s impossible for a regular viewing fan to have a conversation because you’ll be lost. It would go like this:
You know the part in the middle of episode 4, season 3 when Jon Snow shook Sir Alliser Thorne’s hand with his off hand? Well, Alliser has his pinkie hooked under the hand shake which foreshadowed he was going to double cross him.
Within 1 minute, you’ll know that you’re not qualified to hang with this person and you’re going to be using a lot of, “hmmmm…yeah…I think I remember.”

The Late Arriver – There are always going to be people late to the party. There’s nothing wrong these people I should add. Wasting hours of your life on a TV show that isn’t going to be good should always be guarded against. However these are the guys who binge watch 6 straight seasons and act like it’s current. It’s like “Bro, I’ve been watching since 2011, I can’t remember what the Hound said to Arya after he killed the fat kid.” I can barely remember where I lived in 2011 so my working knowledge is a bit off. These people can be noticed by their sheer excitement for GoT’s.

The Early Adopter – I fall into this category after reading the books and watching show, so this is only category I can speak properly about. I really liked GoT. I read 5,000 pages of books and was immersed in this fantasy world. I paid attention to the details of the books and was aware of how the books were different from the show. I was that shithead who would say, “yeah, I know what happens because the books were ahead of the show.” Now here is where it gets diluted for me. I read all of this material 5 years ago and honestly forget about 90% of what I read. I stayed current watching the show but each season takes places for a few months and then you get another 9 months off. When season 7 premiered last night, I couldn’t even pay attention. I have a working knowledge of what’s going on, but I simply don’t care because I flat out don’t now what’s happening. It’s over for me. My interest in a TV series can’t survive for 5 years straight. I’ll probably finish the series for finality, but I find myself looking at my phone more than I’m watching, which is a sure sign that it’s over for me. Also here’s an example of a detail from last night that was completely lost on me. Here is the clip from way back when about the people in the house.

To get back in the spirit, I’d have to re-watch the entire series of 6 seasons and I’m not going to do it. Too much time. Maybe in a few years when I’m overly bored and need a time killer, but right now, I’d rather spend it other ways.

By Tom Stortz|2017-07-17T13:48:14-04:00July 17th, 2017|Tv|1 Comment

The Best Character On A TV Series

Step away Omar. Move over Walter White. No one really likes Jon Snow. V.A Varga is the best character on a TV Series.

Did I even remember his name was V.A Varga? No. It was mentioned in an earlier episode and you can be certain it’s an alias. If you have no idea who I’m referring to, which I’m guessing is everyone except for Jordan, he is the head honcho villain in Fargo on FX. Varga is played by David Thewlis who played Remus Lupin in the Harry Potter movies.

Fargo is in its 3rd season and I’m amazed at how few people are watching. It’s attention to detail, camera angles, thoughtfulness into every scene is unmatched. It is on par with Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, and the Wire on my personal enjoyment meter. To give you an idea of how I rate shows, I prefer the turns and twists over the flash. So a show like Game of Thrones, as much as I like Tyrion & LittleFinger, is more a spectacle than a mind game. Fargo delivers on many fronts specifically with V.A Varga.

Last night’s episode was brilliant in the scene where Varga walks in with Stussy when the police were questioning him. It’s watching an amateur handle a situation with a professional stepping in. You can tell that in every scene Varga is in, the producers are putting the utmost effort in making him appear as a highly intellectual human being. The bulimia and chomping on that steel pick throws me off a bit but I’m sure it’ll be intertwined. Here’s to many more episodes of awesome Varga scenes.

I’ll also note that as much as I liked the 1st season of Fargo, the 2nd season was a step back. This season has me intrigued again and I like Ewan McGregor playing both brothers (for a while). I also see him turning to the dark side as the series progresses. Sy is amusing but I don’t see him making it through. Gloria is the name of the police woman and I see her and Varga battling it out until the end. Good stuff all around.

By Tom Stortz|2017-05-25T10:36:11-04:00May 25th, 2017|Tv|0 Comments

In Depth Silicon Valley Evaluation

Silicon Valley is a wonderful show which I re-watched leading up to the premiere. Each character has their own unique personality that they all strongly abide to. The interactions are also strongly consistent which is what makes the show. Here’s how I rank the main characters in order of my personal favorites.

Silicon Valley Characters (Ranked by Worst to First)

The ugly beige sweater.

Monica – I’m love / hate on Monica. They make her intelligent and supportive of Richard which is needed. The two of them have awkward romantic chemistry which could also be labeled as none. She seems to act in the best interest of Richard which gives her character loyalty. Yet for some reason I don’t feel she plays a necessary role through it all. She’s not funny enough but it’s not like she tries to be. She was a good compliment to Peter Gregory, but they made Lori too weird for it to work with Monica.

Tara is fucking hot.

Gilfoyle – I’m so-so on Gilfoyle. He plays the part of an engineer well and never breaks character as a satanist or anarchist or whatever it is. His girlfriend Tara (played by AT&T Milyana Vayntrub is super hot) made a few appearances but was never central to the plot. Gilfoyle’s constant ragging on Dinesh starts to get tired, but it feels necessary because it’s how he is depicted. He has no tact and tends to use the same “gargling of my balls” too often. I like Martin Starr as a human being, and don’t necessarily dislike Gilfoyle, but I don’t think he delivers enough with the dead pan, dry humor.

Pakistani Denzel

Dinesh – He falls into a more blending into the story line role but not in a bad way. He never gets girls in typical fashion of a computer geek and the show does a good job of portraying this. When he was talking about “his boys” in Tahoe and how they don’t want some “nerd” calling them, I was dying laughing. He doesn’t steal the show but it also wouldn’t be the same without him. They are moving him into the CEO role in season 4 which will lead to more Dinesh airtime. If you’ve seen the gold chain episode, this was Jared’s joke:

Nice chain, do you choke your mom with it when you put your penis in her butthole?

Is it cold in here?

Jared – “This guy fucks” as so appropriately said by Russ Hanneman. Jared’s over affectionate for Richard should be noted in every scene. He is the only one of the group with any business sense so seeing his corporate personality mesh poorly with the group is realistic. Plus the nickname OJ as “Other Jared”, which he turns to “Original Jared” as a compliment, is A+. We can’t forget is boat trip to Peter Gregory’s island when he was hoping from help from “Mr. Car.” He also speaks German in his sleep and this scene with pivoting is perfection.

Erlich: Jared, clear this. Get all the smoke out of it. Otherwise, it damages the device.
Jared: Umm…
Erlich: Don’t be a pussy.

Richard – I wildly underestimated Richard on the first watch through. He was dorky and even though the show used him as their protagonist, he only moved the plot…or so I thought. When I watched it again it became apparent to me that he was the genius and deserved to be CEO. The show plays up a bit too much on his ineptitude with such examples as hitting his head on Barker’s desk. I particularly like when he balls up in the bath tub at the end of season 3 as his company was failing because no one got his platforms genius. Once you watch with this understanding that Richard is the next “Elon Musk”, his character starts becoming more fascinating because he isn’t as inept as he initially seems. His entire personality is summed up with the Tabs vs Spaces below. The climax of this scene when he tries to go down the stairs 8 steps at a time” to prove a point works brilliantly. Off tangent, this is the scene I was talking about last night in bowling.

Jian Yang – It doesn’t seem right going through the characters without including Jian Yang. Aside from his hilarious delivery (Taco Bell, Old Man, Mike Hunt) and the way he incenses Erlich, he delivers time and time again. Only smoking on “special occasions” and then doing it in Monica’s office and in his room shows his lack of comprehension of just about everything American. E-R-I-C-H for Erlich’s name was spot on. For having such a minor role, Jian Yang plays a major part. You Little Cantonese Bastard.

Erlich – I’d be remiss if I didn’t say Erlich is great. Sure he’s overboard in almost every scene but it fits the personality. When he sold Aviato it gave him a house, money, fancy clothes, and universal respect of all the ladies. His dislike of Jared (if you don’t laugh at 4:00 – 4:30, you aren’t human) in season 1 is one of the funniest parts of the show that no one remembers. Russ not giving him any attention breaks his heart. His Luau party on Alcatraz, which cost a million dollars was a highlight of his spending of Big Head’s money. His business sense can also be noted when he purchased a tech blog which blogs about the demise of his own career. When he puts on his gloves and starts coding at the end of Season 2, it almost makes me feel good. Plus he’s high all the time and literally has 15 different pieces.
It’s Magical

The Famed “Dick Theory”

Big Head – Useless by his own accord, I’m a Big Head fan. He doesn’t do too much and his stupidity consistently gets rewarded. His confusion in all his scenes, specifically highlighted in the scene below, makes his character fun to watch. He also should be attributed as the creator of “Nip Alert” and the man who has been promoted countless times. In last night’s episode when they were suggesting a man who “has held multiple prominent positions at one of the biggest tech firms and is on the cover of the most prestigious tech magazine” and he says, “this guy sounds great.”

I Don’t Think So…Well Have You?

Nice shoes

Gavin Belson – Easily the best character in the show. I don’t even think it’s up to vote. If you don’t think Gavin has the most to offer as a character, you don’t watch close enough. The final season with the animals at every conference was hysterical. His questionable intelligence, combined with his no-nonsense arrogance, is the finest performance from a minor character since Mike Ehrmantraut. Every time he greets the board he says, “gentlemen…and lady”. This line from the scene below works exactly right, “…it is my fault I trusted them to get the job done.” What he did to Jack Barker last night should also be a testament to his genius.

“I have a question – That was horrible.”

By Tom Stortz|2017-04-25T18:59:10-04:00April 25th, 2017|Tv|3 Comments

Twin Peaks on Showtime

Dale Cooper and his love for coffee.

A new series of Twin Peaks is being aired on May 21st, 2017 on Showtime. They wisely got the rights to air the show’s only 2 seasons while they lead up to the new release. I noticed the first episode being played 12 minutes ago and decided to write this post as I have 5 more to write and wanted to get started simply.

Twin Peaks is originally a series created in 1990 by Mark Frost and David Lynch. I watched it 5 years ago on Netflix and enjoyed the first season immensely. The 2nd season is not that great. This show is more of a cult classic than must watch TV. Wanted to write this post to mention that Benjamin Horne is a highly underrated character.

By Tom Stortz|2017-01-14T11:15:08-05:00January 14th, 2017|Tv|0 Comments

My Office Post

Being a pathetic loser, which I’ll get into during a subsequent post, I’m going to post a few comments after I’ve binged watch 5 seasons of the Office.

The Office

I was warned ahead of time that The Office goes downhill around season 6. Once the Michael Scott Paper Co. was formed, I felt the decline with Michael on his own and am going to comment now before the show starts to sully and my opinions change. (Season 6 may be good too, so don’t hold me to this).

I’ll call the Office what it is and that’s a delightful comedy with a mediocre, ever changing story. First and foremost, 28 episodes is too many for a season. The ideas start to languish and I haven’t even hit the decline.The entire show revolves around Michael which is pretty amazing considering how many characters there are. How one person steals the show on so many levels is truly a work of art. I hardly find any interest in the minor characters. However, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t many moments, mostly involving Michael, which I’ll touch on as my favorites.

When Toby comes back.

Michael Scott – I was never a huge Steve Carell fan but he made this show. You have nothing without him. His constant misunderstanding and lack of any intelligence make him lovable and entertaining. There are so many running jokes that I can’t list them all. A few favorites are not knowing the names to bands (“it’s Britney Bitch” during Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” and playing Huey Lewis and News during his Bruce giveaway stand out to me) and using phrases incorrectly. Just a real masterpiece and I’ve been told he doesn’t last forever, so I’ll enjoy it while I can.

Darryl calling Michael…Mike. The lack of respect Darryl shows Michael throughout the show is pretty tremendous. The interaction between a boss who has no idea what’s going on and another employee who does his job is classic.

Creed playing Spider Solitaire and not knowing, well, much. This scene about Creed’s job description is priceless. There’s also a scene where he’s talking with Andy and says, “Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim.”

When You Can’t Get Fired For Being Old

David Wallace and Michael…all the time. There is not a better combination of characters in the entire show. On one hand you have the CFO who is trying to make Dunder Mifflin money and the other is a branch manager who…is Michael Scott. The unconventional nature of Michael and how he seems to run the most successful branch baffles David and he plays along perfectly.

I tried to find a funny clip on YouTube and apparently people don’t find David as funny as I do. I was looking for the time when David was asking Michael how his unconventional ways were running a successful branch and Michael ordered take out pasta.

Holly Thinking Kevin Was Slow – Not much to go along with this other than I liked the back and forth. Holly as a whole is pretty weird.

Who’s Not That Funny

Roy was actually one of the worst.

Jim – I don’t necessarily dislike Jim, and understand he’s needed to have some semblance of a plot, but his place in this whole Office is off to me. His constant looks into the camera like “I can’t believe he said that” or “what’s going on” get old fast. The pranks get to be lame. The whole Karin back and forth was bad too.

Jan – I couldn’t really get into liking Jan. It made no sense why she’d like Michael.

Dwight – He has his moments but tries too hard. You’re the company’s top salesmen but you can’t figure out when Pam and Jim and pranking you non-stop when they instant message you or do something to your phone.

Pam – At no point did I find myself saying, “we need more Pam.”

Who’s Really Not That Funny

(In order of worse to even worse)
Ryan, Oscar, Kevin, Angela, Stanley, Toby, Andy, Phyllis, Holly, Meredith, Kelly

By Tom Stortz|2017-01-02T11:50:12-05:00January 2nd, 2017|Tv|0 Comments