We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

The Poco Loco Paintball Experience

Paintball Experience

I”m a total paintball noob. I went one time when I was 18 and smoked weed before hand for maybe the 2nd time in my life and it was a complete disaster. Being paranoid while trying to shoot opposing team members while being half scared to death was not a fun experience although it was memorable. Today went a little different.

I arrived with Steve and Ed and we went through the brief instructions and got our weapon and paintballs. I paid $42 bucks extra for a gun upgrade, some camouflage gear, and an ammo belt that carries 3 extra sets of paintballs. The teams divided into about 12 v 12 and we headed to a field that looked like what you see to the right.

We started with a capture the flag game with 5 minutes of amnesty which means you can get hit and re-spawn for the first 5 minutes. The game began and I immediately had a problem…my camo pants were too big and were falling down while I ran. I was careful the first game while I tried to figure out which was the enemy and what was my own team. I ended up getting pelted right to the dome in my first game and was awakened by a nice ringing helmet.

I started to feel more comfortable with how far the gun shot and what type of encounters resulted in success. I moved to the far right of the map in the 2nd game and was creeping down the line. I was advancing like a high school kid on prom night. I had completely flanked this one bro and while I was pelting him with bullets, I was unaware of his buddy hiding behind a rock and he fired what felt like 100 bullets into my exposed back because my pants were still falling down at this point. It hardly hurt.

The next few games we played had buildings like a castle or huts where you had to raise flags. Aside from one game where the best player on our team was strategically moving along the map and was directly in front of a hut with a opposing player and he was met with one of my friendly fires, I held my own once I understood how exchanges happened. I tended to hide behind trees which I was wider than which is not ideal. The paintballs don’t hurt that much and I even took one to the bare neck and on my hands and still lived with minor injuries (my knee hit a rock).

Aftermath

The experience was advantageous because it taught me that I’m not ready for war. I want no part of it. If this were live ammo I would have dug a hole 6 feet deep, jumped in it, and filled it back up. I would have thought my speed would help a bit on the course but it doesn’t make much of a difference. It’s not fun getting hit and war doesn’t excite me all that much. Wonderful to do one time but nothing that I’d continue doing.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-06T21:06:18-05:00December 6th, 2014|My Life|0 Comments

Lady Gaga Divulges Rape to Howard Stern

Gaga on the Howard Stern show on Dec 2nd.

I was listening to Howard Stern interview Lady Gaga. I only caught about 15 minutes of the segment and I heard about an instance of her life when she was taken advantage of at the age of 19. Her record producer “raped” her. You can listen on this link about Lady Gaga being raped at 19. Unfortunately this post will not delve into this further because I have little to nothing to say about this. Full interview here.

“I believe she’s speaking about Rob Fusari when it comes to the “dating” and rape situation. He told people they were dating when in fact, he was her record producer who raped her. “

I do have something to say about Lady Gaga revealing to Howard an event about her life so personal. He must be the best interviewer in the world to get her to confide in him (and his entire listening audience) a moment of her life that probably still haunts her to this day. My thought was that there must be other people on the planet who can do Howard’s job. All it entails is asking people questions and having them answer them. Yet I am certain that if I interviewed Gaga it would go something like this:

T: I really liked the song Just Dance when it came out.

LG: That was probably the most pop, least inspired song I’ve ever written…

T: Oh………………………….

I’d poke her face.

A few weeks ago Howard let one of his staff, Benjy, interview his wife and it was atrocious. The feel of the interview was choppy and the questions asked had me feeling bad for both parties involved. This got me thinking that Howard is probably the absolute best in the entire business. He has done thousands of interviews and has so much experience that only he can get people to share information that they probably never thought they’d be sharing to millions of people. It’s a tremendous talent.

An another amazing talent of Lady Gaga is her voice. She believes auto tune is cheating and she is honest to god singing. Her singing is next level. It’s unbelievable. I was blown away by her voice. As wacky as she is, I’m a fan.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-04T23:34:03-05:00December 4th, 2014|Celeb|0 Comments

Robert E. Lee is a Pussy

It’s all in the title. I was going to use Killer Angels but I’m pretty sure no one would have made it past the first line. This title, although exaggerated, will have you reading up to this point.

After reading about World War II, it struck me that at 31 years old, I finally find history interesting. Perhaps it was the way the material was presented compared to an 800 page text book, but I was yearning for more. After learning about WW1 and WW2, I decided I’d read about the Civil War. Why not start with a book taught in the high school curriculum called The Killer Angels.

The Killer Angels

First and foremost, I was supposed to read this book in high school and probably didn’t. I have no idea how I passed the tests but it must have been just enough because I have no memory of reading a single page throughout the book. It took me about 3 nights to read and I’m glad that I did. I have a better understand about the Civil War and specifically the Battle of Gettysburg. I came away with a few thoughts that may or may not be right.

General Lee was the reason the South lost the Battle of Gettysburg. Not listening to strategic war plans and stubbornly attacking in a horrible position. He is responsible for the death of tens of thousands of men. People in the South still worship the man and this is why the North still look laughingly at the South.
The whole war was fought over slavery but I got the feeling that it wasn’t the actual slavery the South wanted. It was their right to own the slaves. They were saying that the Gov’t can’t come into their backyard and tell them what they can and cannot do.
I’ve been to Gettysburg 3 times in the last 3 years and never had any idea what occurred. Next time I go back, I’m going to be looking for Little Round Top and Cemetery Hill. Knowing how so many men lost their lives on those actual battlefields gives a different perspective.
The fact that Americans fought Americans, and this occurred less than 200 years ago, is mind boggling. I still can’t grasp it. If the South would have won the war the country would be divided the same way East and West Germany were for all those years. This war would have prevented America from becoming a world power. I also find the idea that WWII was only 75 years ago.
How Joshua Chamberlain spoke 7 languages at the age of 34 with the material available is amazing. I can’t even learn 1 properly.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-03T23:34:07-05:00December 3rd, 2014|My Life|2 Comments

I Wish I Were a Tipping Dick

Seann William Scott talking to Breckin Meyer’s penis.

(Squeaky voice)
– It ain’t easy being Josh’s penis. We’ve been here two months, and I feel like I’m in a coma.
– Stop it.
– I wish I was your dick, EL.

A Tipping Dick

The Road Trip reference also has absolutely nothing to do with this post other than it was the first thing I thought of when I started with the title, “I Wish I Were a Dick”. I decided to throw in a keyword to make the post more SEO compliant but this sort of turned it completely unrelated to Road Trip. That’s ok, one man talking to another man’s penis is always funny,

I am way too nice of a person specifically to people who are in the service industry and I’ve never met before and will never see again. Here are some examples of my generosity.

I gave Anthony, the bebopping homeless guy that I see everyday, a $5 dollar bill. My logic was that it was Thanksgiving and I wanted to be nice. The idea that this may fend off further attempts for asking me for money also struck my brain. However, once he forgets about that $5 in the next few days, he’ll return again asking me to buy him a Coffee Croissant at Dunkin Donuts.
I was playing poker over the weekend and I tip on every pot i win even if it’s only 3 dollars. I’ll tip multiple dollars if the pot gets sizable. I see players scoop hundreds of dollar pots and never give more than a buck. I have no idea why I feel compelled to give more money than necessary.
In an even worse scenario at 2am playing a table game called Pai Gow, I was giving a dealer $5 for my wins of $60 and I ended up getting felted by night’s end. I probably gave the dealer 50 bucks and I lost hundreds.
After losing hundreds, I took a $7 dollar cab ride and gave the driver $15 and said keep the change. 100% tip?!?!
I routinely tip over 20% at meals. I don’t even think of giving less than 20% and always err to the high side. The guy could spit in my food and call me an asshole and I’d feel bad if I didn’t give him his “deserved” 20%.

My only explanation for why I do these things (and drinking could be one but I do this sober too) is that I feel that I’m much better off than the people who I’m giving the money to. The idea that I want them to like me makes no sense because I’ll never see them again. Why I feel this urge to tip ridiculously well is bordering on stupidity. Maybe since I give very few of my dollars to charity I feel this is giving back. I honestly have no idea. Anyone else far too generous?

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-01T15:44:46-05:00December 1st, 2014|My Life|1 Comment

Serious Air

To try to make this post more than just an embedded Instagram video, would this have gone viral if there wasn’t any music? I tend to think not. I also should point out that the seat tries to ram him.

hope everyone went big this weekend.

A video posted by SKATESWORDS™ (@skateswords) on Nov 11, 2014 at 12:55pm PST

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-01T15:46:10-05:00December 1st, 2014|Videos|0 Comments

Evolution of the Vault

Difficult to say if I’m posting this because of the fascination with the vault or my fascination with McKayla Maroney. Either way, isn’t the obvious question why the hell is the woman in 1958 landing sideways? Put a little effort into it. I can only imagine what the other contenders looked like.

By Tom Stortz|2014-11-30T10:15:44-05:00November 30th, 2014|Sports|0 Comments

Don’t Mess With Raindrop

Just revisiting a classic clip. If you don’t laugh at 1:43 there is something wrong with you.

“you have a bull on your shirt. you look like a furt from a cartoon. a coon. and ruins like prunes. you live with racoons. animal boon. you live in kalamazoo you foo.”

You have a bull on your shirt

This is a double entendre. The artist(Raindrop) is sarcastically referencing a “bull” on Mike Glambin’s shirt, playing up the irony of this tiny kid fronting a symbol of masculinity. The second meaning is that the “bull” is bullshit, because he doesn’t live up to that symbol.

You look like a fert from a cartoon; A coon.

Raindrop is taking poetic license with the word fert to rhyme with shirt. “fert” here means fart, and is tied up with “shirt” to evoke imagery of farts and shits in association with Mike Glambin. The poetic license is accentuated and cemented with the “cartoon” conclusion. This confirms Raindrops intention to caricaturize Glambin, and further undermines Glambin’s worth as a real man. A coon is a “raccoon” in this context, which will be expanded upon later.

And it runes like prunes

Raindrop continues with the narrative on Glambin fronting his masculinity here. “Rune” in this context is referring to Glambins bull. Raindrop is asserting that Glambins statement of masculinity is a misguided aphorism. The bull’s symbolic, mystical image of power is without substance because of the person equipping it. The icon of manliness shrivels on Glambins body like a prune. This is first a double entendre – where the “rune” is “ruined” like a solid plum to a shrivelled prune. Raindrop is also exercising a triple entendre where Glambin’s nuts are emasculated and withering to prunes.

You live with raccoons.

This is the nail in the coffin, so to speak. The narrative on Glambin’s false manhood has been established in regards to his physique. Now Raindrop emphasizes Glambin’s lack of social decorum and mental sanity by stating he lives with raccoons, which are considered more pest than pet. This also implies that Glambin cannot find a woman to live with, and has settled for living with raccoons.

By Tom Stortz|2014-11-28T11:28:23-05:00November 28th, 2014|My Brain|0 Comments

Living in a Fantasy

I haven’t posted anything about gambling or my fantasy football teams in a while so it seems like the appropriate time. I’m in works on a post that will be targeted at females instead of 99% of my posts at males. I have no idea on the ETA but it has potential. Until then, onward.

3 out of my 4 fantasy teams will make the fantasy playoffs. I’ve invested $300 dollars into leagues and am only out of one $25 dollar league which is fine by me. In the league i did not make the playoffs I drafted Toby Ger-tard in the 4th round and Colston in the 5th. A-Pete was the first round pick. which completely derailed the team.

Don’t fuck with a Wild Turkey

I was able to make the playoffs in another league while drafting A-Pete and that was from solid pick ups like Odell, J Hill (sorry Bud), and Denard Robinson. Aside from M Ryan, who I can pick up anyone from the waiver wire to do better, the team is stacked. They rock A Foster, F Jackson, and Gronk to go along with the waiver wire pick ups..

One team is going to need some incredible luck to win. I drafted Dez and Demarius with my first 2 picks which actually worked out well. I have Jennings and Denard as my RB’s though and not a lot of depth. Julius Thomas is the only other player surrounded by Colston, Kelce, and Kenny Britt.

My best chance has Stafford, Lacy, Denard, M Evans, M Wallace, K Benjamin, and Gronk. Notice the rookie receivers drafted was huge. Montee Ball was a 2nd round pick which was nice to be able to advance from.

My gambling days ran out last week when I blew my wad betting over my head. This was still Billy Horschel money so it’s not like I’m diving into my bank account but it still sucks to lose. I also can’t win through Fanduel as I put up decent numbers but it’s never enough. I’m probably down about 400 which is more than I’d like to lose but it’s over a 3 month period and I enjoy watching every game because of it. I’m sure I’ll throw some action on some Thanksgiving games but the bottom line is I’m a loser. Good luck to you all.

By Tom Stortz|2014-11-26T14:36:45-05:00November 26th, 2014|Sports|0 Comments

I Specifically Like…

BOB PORTER So tell me. What’s your favorite song of his?

MICHAEL Hmm. I, I, I don’t know. I mean, I guess, I sorta like ’em all.

It’s easy to tell a phony when they give answers that have no specifics. I could say my favorite movie is Office Space and I better damn well know the minimum pieces of flair at Chotchkies. The link to strong connections is in the details. This post will give you my details.

My favorite music is New Wave followed closed by current Alt music. I wouldn’t list any New Wave artist as my favorite but as a category it’s the bees knees. For my money, I don’t know if it gets any better than when the Cure sing, “Just Like Heaven.” I certainly can’t name every song by every artist which doesn’t put me in the top 1% of fans but hanging out I would never decline The Smiths, New Order, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Talking Heads, or Tears for Fears. I’m pretty hip to all music and would probably slide Classic Rock into these top 3 categories but this is my #1 genre. Shout out to the Saturday Night Safety Dance hosted by DJ Bueller.
Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, check out this chick. HBO, ShowTime, and AMC produce the best TV series. It isn’t even close. If you are a network TV watcher and never get a chance to check out real TV, I feel sorry for you. Cursing, nudity, violence, and epic storylines bring TV to a level that has never been seen before. You can read about a battle in a book but these networks bring these ideas to a screen to be witnessed. My personal favorite shows are The Wire, Sopranos, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, and True Detective. Flight of the Conchords, Silicon Valley, and Curb Your Enthusiasm also show well for comedies.
I like waking up under the comforter on cold days. This feeling is ruined more often than not by 2 things: having to work or being hungover. When I wake up in the morning and can only enjoy this warmth for a few minutes before getting up, it sucks. When I wake up on weekends anytime I want, my head is slamming into itself. On very select days I’ll be able to wake up feeling like a million bucks and not have to get out of bed. I then like flipping on the TV to watch some ridiculous sitcom or movie like Mr. Ed or Blue Streak. Nothing better.
People hate running on a treadmill but I love it. Controlling my speed and forcing myself to run is exhilarating. Plus it’s always consistent which means that I can compare myself to myself every single time I’m on it. This gives a good base of what shape I’m in. Also when babes start running next to me I just jack the machine up the 12 mph and hope to god I don’t fall off. High risk maneuver. Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?
I rarely eat junk food. That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life, Tom. It may take me a 2 months to eat a bag of Chips Ahoy. I can never finish a whole bag of anything unless it’s a 99 cent bag of Smartfood. The taste of the food doesn’t offset the unhealthiness of it for me. However, I do like Oreo Blizzards from Dairy Queen. Because I have no concerns about my weight, anytime I’m in the mood for a DQ blizzard, I’ll get it. I also like BBQ sunflower seeds.

By Tom Stortz|2014-11-25T16:46:23-05:00November 25th, 2014|Movies, Music|0 Comments