Seann William Scott talking to Breckin Meyer’s penis.

(Squeaky voice)
– It ain’t easy being Josh’s penis. We’ve been here two months, and I feel like I’m in a coma.
– Stop it.
– I wish I was your dick, EL.


A Tipping Dick

negativetipThe Road Trip reference also has absolutely nothing to do with this post other than it was the first thing I thought of when I started with the title, “I Wish I Were a Dick”.  I decided to throw in a keyword to make the post more SEO compliant but this sort of turned it completely unrelated to Road Trip.  That’s ok, one man talking to another man’s penis is always funny,

I am way too nice of a person specifically to people who are in the service industry and I’ve never met before and will never see again.  Here are some examples of my generosity.

  • I gave Anthony, the bebopping homeless guy that I see everyday, a $5 dollar bill.  My logic was that it was Thanksgiving and I wanted to be nice.  The idea that this may fend off further attempts for asking me for money also struck my brain.  However, once he forgets about that $5 in the next few days, he’ll return again asking me to buy him a Coffee Croissant at Dunkin Donuts.
  • I was playing poker over the weekend and I tip on every pot i win even if it’s only 3 dollars.  I’ll tip multiple dollars if the pot gets sizable.  I see players scoop hundreds of dollar pots and never give more than a buck.  I have no idea why I feel compelled to give more money than necessary.
  • In an even worse scenario at 2am playing a table game called Pai Gow, I was giving a dealer $5 for my wins of $60 and I ended up getting felted by night’s end.  I probably gave the dealer 50 bucks and I lost hundreds.
  • After losing hundreds, I took a $7 dollar cab ride and gave the driver $15 and said keep the change.  100% tip?!?!
  • I routinely tip over 20% at meals.  I don’t even think of giving less than 20% and always err to the high side.  The guy could spit in my food and call me an asshole and I’d feel bad if I didn’t give him his “deserved” 20%.

poortipMy only explanation for why I do these things (and drinking could be one but I do this sober too) is that I feel that I’m much better off than the people who I’m giving the money to.  The idea that I want them to like me makes no sense because I’ll never see them again.  Why I feel this urge to tip ridiculously well is bordering on stupidity.  Maybe since I give very few of my dollars to charity I feel this is giving back.  I honestly have no idea.  Anyone else far too generous?