We Don't Walk Slow

22 Nov, 2015

My First Time Firing a Gun

By Tom Stortz|2015-12-04T01:05:09-05:00November 22nd, 2015|My Life|0 Comments

It was Friday afternoon and Alex invited me to the shooting range. I’ve never fired a weapon before and thought that it was an activity that I should have at least experienced once.

I had no idea what to expect. I envisioned individual booths with bullet proof glass surrounding it so everyone was safe. Not exactly.

When I met Alex and his buddies I wouldn’t say I was nervous but I also wasn’t completely calm. They ask if you’ve ever shot a weapon in which I sheepishly said I hadn’t. The guide said that an instructor has to go over some instructions before you fire it. He said to never put your finger on the trigger unless you are prepared to shoot. Never point the gun in a direction you shouldn’t. He also said if you do that, he fires back. Guns make a situation real.

He went through the motions of loading the weapon and set it up for me. When all was ready, he said to fire. I aimed the laser sight on the board and pulled the trigger. What a feeling. Firing a weapon that has such lethal power is empowering. You can’t truly understand the damage a bullet would do to you without firing it.

We took turns firing his assault rifle and hand gun and it’s not an activity that you are immediately good at. As you can tell from my shooting…

Shooting gives an understanding of what it’s like to be in legitimate danger. I was a little bit nerved that anyone in the shooting range can turn a weapon and fire away. I know my friends aren’t going to do anything crazy but how do I know that older gentlemen 3 booths down isn’t some nut case. As much as I thought it was cool firing a weapon, I don’t see it becoming an activity I will do on the reg.

20 Nov, 2015

What I’ve Googled

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-20T09:35:06-05:00November 20th, 2015|My Brain|5 Comments

Riiight.

Why doesn’t sia show her face?

“I don’t want to be famous, or recognizable. I don’t want to be critiqued about the way that I look on the internet.”

What does Bae stand for?

“Bae,” Urban Dictionary says, is an acronym that stands for “before anyone else,” or a shortened version of baby or babe, another word for sweetie, and, mostly unrelated, poop in Danish.

What is Stan’s street warrior poster in South Park from?

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

How to turn off Facebook birthday notifications?

To configure them, open the settings and tap Notifications. Turn them off. DURRRR.

Was the hot girl in We’re the Millers Emma Roberts?

Yes.

I sort of knew I’ve seen her from somewhere but I’ve been noticing her a lot more because she’s on a bus sign for Aeropostale or some other clothing. I also see her in every horror TV show.

What’s the Drake song that people are talking about his dancing?

Hotline Bling.

Why can’t I win in Draftkings?

You can’t.

19 Nov, 2015

Klosterman Inverviews Brady

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-30T11:12:18-05:00November 19th, 2015|Sports|0 Comments

Chuck Klosterman / Tom Brady

First things first, I’m a bigger Chuck Klosterman fan than Tom Brady fan. Klosterman is witty, a huge sports nut, and his popular culture references are always spot on. Tom Brady is a fine QB who is leading my fantasy team to a 7-3 record and in 1st place for the league. For this I like him. For his team winning games, I’m indifferent.

This interview with Klosterman and Brady is a gold mine. It’s filled with nuggets of why I love Klosterman and why I still will never truly care for Tom Brady.

Without re-copying all of the interview, Tom Brady will not answer the question whether he was “generally aware” of the deflated balls. He won’t answer yes or no. He quite simply says he won’t talk about it.

Klosterman accurately attempts to explain this with:

Deny, Deny, Deny

I strongly suspect the real reason Brady did not want to answer a question about his “general awareness” of Deflategate is pretty uncomplicated: He doesn’t want to keep saying something that isn’t true, nor does he want to directly contradict what he said in the past. I realize that seems like a negative thing to conclude about someone I don’t know. It seems like I’m suggesting that he both cheated and lied, and technically I am.

It’s hard to come up with any other reason for why Brady will not answer the question. I particularly liked this question that Klosterman never got a chance to ask, “Do you now concede some of the balls might have been below the legal limit, even if you had no idea this was happening? Or was the whole thing a total fiction?”

Dude. You did it. You freaking did. You would have 100% said you didn’t have any awareness in this interview if you honestly didn’t have any general awareness. You can’t answer the question because it digs at you deep inside to lie by answering no. Now, do I really care? Not really.

I personally loved the way Klosterman categorized a cheater. “A deficiency of character adds character, somehow. It proves that the cheater cared.” “It’s also what makes Brady different from normal people, and from other quarterbacks: He will do whatever it takes to win, regardless of what that win represents”

People like Brady are playing a different game. They have physical abilities that are superior than ours and they have the gall to work every single angle that’s available for an edge. They are just different.

19 Nov, 2015

People Are Bad, MmmKay

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-19T10:27:15-05:00November 19th, 2015|My Life|2 Comments

I quickly shopped a bullet hole in his head. He had no blood.

Abdelhamid Abaaoud was killed today which should make the world a bit safer.

In other news, I squeezed into a parking spot last night and was a foot away from the curb which was a lot. The spot was so tight though that going back and forth 20 times wasn’t worth it at 11pm considering I only was going to be there for 8 hours. It’s a one way street too so there should be no problem with spacing on the road.

When I went to my car this morning, there was a puddle of liquid under my car. It did not rain last night.

These two events are pointing out horrible people in this world. Obviously you are only reading this with one side of the story. If you asked Abdelhamid who the horrible people are, I’m sure he wouldn’t say himself. If you asked the shithead who let his animal pee next to / on my car, he’d say it was the idiot who made the park job.

This is why I’m starting to dislike people. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s better to go through this world happy and full of cheer. However, when 128 INNOCENT people are getting killed, cheer is not what I feel. My gut feeling is that 20% of the world are good people and the rest are shitheads. They don’t know that they are shitheads but going through life with such anger towards other human beings is not the way to go. Even man who let his dog pee on my car, what’s your problem? I’m doing nothing that affects you whatsoever. Let it be. Let it be.

17 Nov, 2015

Is Jennifer Lawrence Happy?

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-17T22:34:38-05:00November 17th, 2015|Celeb|0 Comments

I’m out of my world on this post so just stay with me.

Mockingjay 2 comes out this Friday to much fanfare. I am not one of them. This series has been a huge draw in the last 3 years looking to bring in about 1.5 billion dollars. See for yourself.

This post wonders how much Jennifer Lawrence cares about Mockingjay Part 2.

Fact: She Doesn’t

Running Man was ahead of its time in 1989. Nice idea steal Suzanne Collins

How do I know this? I’ve read the books and know that Mockingjay sucks. The plot was so bad that I couldn’t even finish it. The first Hunger Games was a quality book with a modern day Running Man feel to it. I then read the 2nd which was an exact replica of the first book but with different characters. The 3rd book is where shit got stupid and Katniss and her makeshift army attacked the capital. Halfway through the book I realized I didn’t care any longer and put the book down forever.

Totally not shopped

I haven’t watched one Hunger Games movie so I shouldn’t be writing this post but I feel like it will still be relevant. There is no possible way that Part 2 of Mockingjay will be any good because the producers are stretching 1 shitty book into 2 shitty movies which can never be a good idea. You can see the box office for Mockingjay Part 1 was nearly 100 million dollars less than the first 2 and I’m predicting part 2 will do even worse. Where does Jennifer Lawrence come in?

Imagine the last 3+ years of her life. She was probably so pumped to partake in a huge book like the Hunger Games as the lead role, Katniss Everdeen. Every teenage girl looked up to her and she would be a solid role model for teenagers all over. The first movie is a smash hit. The sequel does even better than the first and the stage is set for the finale. Except one problem, the allure of the series has worn off and they are breaking it down into 2 movies instead of what should be 1. Now she’s starring in some washed out movie that I imagine no one wants to see. Do you think she understood the ramifications of signing on to this series? Does she care?

Solid Photoshop by professionals

Maybe she does. Maybe the money makes all ok. I know if it were me I’d be pissed off that I had to work on a shitty movie not just once, but twice. I suppose the only reason I’m writing this post is because I know how horrible a book Mockingjay was. To see it be cut up into two parts and released in order to maximize box office revenue and to capitalize on the series success makes me sick. Jennifer Lawrence is just a bystander who must do as they say. I feel bad for her. I probably shouldn’t.

17 Nov, 2015

Fargo – Rhinoceros

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-17T17:50:38-05:00November 17th, 2015|Tv|1 Comment

This fucker started it all.

My apologies to anyone anxiously anticipating my review of the Rhinoceros episode. I’ve had technical difficulties and still haven’t gotten up to snuff.

Just so you know that my reviews are 10x better than the competition, here is Yahoo’s lame opinion on why you should be watching Fargo. It’s the most boiler plate, filled with lame overviews, and has no details whatsoever about the show. This is actually a good review by IGN.

[dropcap background=”yes” color=”#333333″]”There was a cleaver in the man’s head, son”[/dropcap]

Rhinoceros must stand for the episode running the viewer over with action. Let’s start with the non-action though and work through. The more the Peggy and Ed situation carries on, the more I enjoy it. Kirsten Dunst is delusional about the current state of affairs and finally came to in this episode. Hank asking, “you’re a little touched” was pretty funny because she was out there with her new life talk. The jail scene with Ed and his denial just makes you want him to get it more and more.

Near the beginning when Bear attacks Dodd for sending Charlie to make the hit showed Hanzee’s allegiance to Dodd and makes you wonder if he has any feelings whatsoever after Bear thanked him for his service. I’m thinking he’s strictly a murderer / tracker with no conscience whatsoever and does as Dodd says. I like Bear more and more with each episode because of his more logical rationale which was displayed in his reasoning with lawyer Karl Weathers near the end. Bear talking to Otto in the beginning and talking about his oldest son Elron? was a clue to the past.

Shit.

Dodd’s reaction to shooting his own guy was fantastic. How did Peggy hit the guy over the head with a sink? Also where was she in those stacks of book cases and how many fucking magazines has she collected? She mentions they are beauty and travel. She must get seriously addicted to magazines.

Not the guys you want to see outside your house.

I also didn’t mind when Simone tipped off Mike Milligan and he ended up coming straight to the compound and shot up the house. Simone is a dumb bitch and Dodd was hilarious calling a whore’s life a half a cigarette. I wouldn’t mind if she took one in the head which she almost did. Did you know the mom’s name is Floyd. Floyd. That’s a man’s name. I also never watch through the credits and there are scenes…

16 Nov, 2015

Back to Blogging Basics

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:44:16-04:00November 16th, 2015|My Life|0 Comments

This was a background I was working with.

So I’m pretty pissed off right now because I’ve spent the last few hours trying to upgrade to a new theme, only to break it, then revert back to my old theme losing information along the way. I purchased a new theme that looked great in the preview and then when I try to install it, it looks like a piece of shit. That being said, I’m 3 days off from blogging and unable to put up my Fargo recap as my mind is blown. I’ll try to get on track. In the meantime I did place a wager on Holly Holm and picked the Texans outright.

13 Nov, 2015

In Sam’s Abscence

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-13T09:51:43-05:00November 13th, 2015|My Life|0 Comments

Sam took a trip to Denver to ski high mountains and eat in high places. I do not believe he will have the time to blog so I’ll have to hold down the fort while he’s gone. You can see my Photoshop efforts are paying off.

I have no premise for this post. It’s more of a sit here and write down a few ideas. I wrote 3 posts yesterday which isn’t a realistic goal on a daily basis. I also ran 29:02 on a treadmill for 5 miles. This probably sounds egotistical but I’m not keeping a running log anymore so this helps me document what shape I’m in on what date.

I had dinner with my mom last night at the Iron Hill Brewery in Chestnut Hill. She called the back dining area “stuffy”. I thought to myself that I rarely hear the word stuffy. Then I thought that was an accurate description. This gave me the idea that you should always be trying to use the best word to describe a situation. This would be displaying intelligence. It’s why I never try to use the word thing when I write. The word thing is a cop out for non thinking.

I also booked a trip to Europe which will be fun. I’m flying into Amsterdam on February 1st and staying for 9 days and flying out of Vienna, Austria. There is a roofing show in Stuttgart on the 3rd and 4th but aside from that my mission becomes to get from Stuttgart to Austria in 5 days. I’ll have some help along the way.

12 Nov, 2015

An Actual Draftking Analysis

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-12T12:20:37-05:00November 12th, 2015|My Life|0 Comments

I downloaded my Draftkings History to get a better idea of how much I’ve lost. I also think I put together solid squads in the Million and keep getting screwed out of more money.

Start date: 7/16/2015

#of Entries: 47 (36 NFL, 9 PGA, 1 MLB, 1 NBA)

Entry Fees: $835

Winnings: $419

Net Loss: $416

I’ve played 18 NFL Millionaire makers which are the biggest tournaments available on Draftkings. My average score for the 18 contests is 153.49. My high being 207.68 and low 99.12. The most money I’ve ever won is $30.00 on any single entry and highest place being 12,654. I’ve lost exactly $155 from these tournaments.

The average participants has been decreasing with every passing week. The first week had 520,448 players. Last week’s was 322,236. The total prize pool has moved from 10 million to 6 million. This is not what you want to see as a “growth” company.

Unfortunately the professionals have taken the fun out of the game. I’m not sure what the maximum amount of entries it is per person but it obviously is killing the flow to the normal player. I’m fairly knowledgeable about football but to crack the top 10k and actually make significant money is proving challenging.

12 Nov, 2015

Brett Brown May Suck

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-12T09:17:33-05:00November 12th, 2015|Sports|0 Comments

The Sixers Suck

Trust me, we can’t get worse.

The talent is anemic. It’s inappropriate to even use the word talent. This team is a dumpster fire right now with 0 chance of improving this year. The Sixers are putting out the worst product in the NBA and this is for the 3rd straight year. Enough is enough, the fans NEED to start protesting.

Is it possible Brett Brown is the problem? His career record is 37-135 for a 20% win percentage. Brian Winters (the coach of the expansion Vancouver Grizzlies in 1995) is the only coach IN NBA HISTORY worse needing 184 games to win 36 games in 3 seasons. To be fair to Brett Brown, over his 3 years, I can only think of 3 players who would start on opposing teams (MCW, Nerlens, and Okafor). Needless to say, this team is a joke.

There comes a time where you have to start winning ball games. The future is just as uncertain as the present. The #3 pick has a foot injury that may never heal. Saric may never play and even if he does, who’s to say he’s any good. This year, he’s averaging 9 points, 6 rebounds, and 2 assists after 6 games playing 28 minutes in a EURO League!!! There is no talent that is going to blossom on the current team. Stauskas is a poor man’s Korver. Wroten and Covington are nice players but they aren’t starters. TJ MCconnell is who is getting hype and he’s a 6-2 WHITE GUY! I’m sorry but what Hinkie is doing isn’t working. I hope that this post gets brought back up to me sometime in the near future and people say, “see, he knows what he’s doing.” I can’t see it though and when a team puts out a shitty product, people shouldn’t buy it.