We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Kingpin (1996)

Roy Munson

“Munsoned”? What the hell is that?”
“You know. Munsoned. To be up a creek without a paddle.
To have the world in the palm of your hand and then blow it.”

My #1 favorite line in the movie – “Oh, creepy!”

Kingpin is the #2 bowling movie created behind the Big Lebowski. If you’ve seen the movie you know the scene above is why Big Ern is in the running of best character of all time. He dominates this performance by being the typical asshole and it’s hilarious how the media loves him. The next scene is Big Ernie McCracken being Big Ernie McCracken at his finest.

A few comments on this scene and the greatness of Big Ern’s character:
1) Calling yourself a giant
2) “Was I talking out loud” is a great cover up to not admitting wrongdoing
3) The timing of “good luck” is the epitome of sportsmanship
4) Big Ern’s exit deserves recognition

“Supplemental Income”

It doesn’t stop there though. This movie is funny throughout and it’s almost 20 years old! A classic line from Big Ern when ordering his drink in the diner is, “Tanqueray and Tab. Keep ’em coming, sweets. l got a long drive.”

Roy is called Captain Hook in this movie! A great running joke throughout is when he shows people his bowling ring and they confuse the situation thinking he’s showing them his hand.

The way Big Ern acts in every scene is laugh out loud funny. This scene delivers the Kingpin knockout blow. On the floor spin is a move not utilized enough.

I’m a big Woody Harrelson fan as well and he does a great job as Roy. Vanessa Angel, Claudia, is nice eye candy and the nip scene will forever be embedded in my teenage memory. What a babe. I always wondered, why in a million dollar house does the host have Busch beer in the fridge?

The soundtrack is also wonderful with Save it for Later by The English Beat, She Came On by Super Deluxe, Bad Reputation by Freedy Johnston, and Superman by Goldfinger This movie delivers a strike.

And who can ever forget the “pump and dump”.

By Tom Stortz|2015-02-15T14:17:55-05:00February 15th, 2015|Movies|1 Comment

The 258 Special

The Dude abides. Here are our text messages before a career game.

That set up 3 person bowling at Facenda Whitaker. I brought my shammy cloth to wipe off the oil of the house ball.

Farva: What’s this?
[playing with cloth]
Rabbit: A chamois cloth.
Farva: Ha. Lucky guess. I just lost a buck. To myself.

Big Wevs came out of retirement throwing the dice ball and won the first game. The Dude took game 2 rolling a 225. I even added the pic on Instagram using the caption “rolling a casual 225 on a Thursday night”. I was pretty proud of myself besting my old high of 214.

Wevs took game 3 by ousting the Wads with 2 strikes in the 10th. This set up the magical 4th game. The Dude opened frame 1. Hardly ridden with negative feelings that the game was lost, the Dude rolled 8 straight strikes. Wevs has the video which I’ll try to get. I spared the 10 and striked my final ball for a 258. Career high and admiration from the entire alley. Especially the HIGH school stoners next to us.

The party ensued afterward and now I sit waiting for my next opportunity for a perfect game. Hilarious text after it happened.

The 258 is a bit below an ace in golf but still a decent accomplishment. I had a few Jersey’s in the run so it was hardly ideal but I’ll take it. I finished 6 games with a 185 avg, the Wads was 173, and the Wevs dropped to a 155 after barely breaking 100 his last game due to thumb concerns. Also noted was Wads losing the first 5 games and being down 30 bucks and coming through in the final game with a 200+ to break even.

By Tom Stortz|2015-02-13T11:52:11-05:00February 13th, 2015|Sports|3 Comments

Never a Dull Moment

The Stortz Paint Scraper Display

Where to start. Last Friday I was in Doylestown trying to sell paint scrapers. Yesterday I was in Lancaster making the same efforts. To the right is what our new scraper set up looks like. It used to be a blade on a stick so it’s a vast improvement.

A power surge blew out the power at our work and 2/3rd of the building has no juice. This means life has been in the dark at work as we do the best we can to get by. One of the downsides of working out of a building that is 200 years old.

Whenever I get in crunch for time I tend to write about what I’ve been doing rather than a real post. I made a valiant attempt at that soccer post. That probably took me near 3 hours but it’s fun to write and I learn so I’m not complaining. The Brookes comment was classic too. TLDR means too long, didn’t read. I actually read the whole comment and I agree completely in the promotion and relegation. Loved the Sixers analogy because it hits close to home.

Shee and I also bowled last night in a 6 game sprint. It cost 13 bucks and we finished in an hour and 15 minutes. He averaged a 165 and I was 155. I learned a valuable lesson though that I never knew so exact. The lane is 60 feet and the first 42-45 feet are oiled. This allows the ball to spin in the oil without gripping the lane. Once it grips, it starts hooking harder. This means that after you bowl a few games, your ball starts getting oily and you track oil closer to the pins which reduces the cut into the pocket. Hence, why I will be bringing a towel next time I play.

I don’t have the time to accomplish the tasks I’d like to. I started Jobs the biography. I’m still working my Photoshop with lynda.com. This study makes me want to buy a camera and work with my own original images. German has been put on hold even though I’m moving another visit up on my list and I have to do a better job with the communication. I’d also recommend Better Call Saul and Togetherness as TV shows.

I’ve been listening to the Smiths a lot. If you’ve never heard the song below I suggest listening to it and giving me a song that’s better and I’ll thumbs up or down it. This is another idea I have in the works is grading songs. For instance, Stairway to Heaven might be a top 50 song. Wonderwall might be a top 10,000 song. Stay by Lisa Loeb is a top 10. It’s a fun way to critique.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T12:39:26-04:00February 11th, 2015|My Life|7 Comments

How Do I Become a Soccer Fan?

[dropcap background=”yes” color=”#333333″]S[/dropcap]occer season is upon us. I watched Harry Kane score 2 goals on Saturday and actually cheered with excitement. Wait. Did I just write that?

I can already see it happening. Soccer in the USA is gaining in popularity and the soccer snobs will start complaining that average fans are infiltrating their passion.

“Soccer Snobs aren’t using their high soccer IQ’s or passion to grow the game by embracing fans of all types. Instead they choose to spread vitriol aimed at scaring the casual fan away.” – TheShinGuardian

With limited knowledge of “football”, I’ll attempt to describe what it’s like being a die hard NFL fan attempting to spend some time enjoying another sport.

International Leagues

European Champions League

By far the most interesting aspect of the sport is its broad appeal. 240 million people play soccer in over 200 countries. National pride for excellence helps propel the sport as seen by the World Cup every 4 years. There are also national leagues throughout England, Germany, Spain… and even the USA that are played annually. The Champions league is one of the most prestigious competitions that combines the best teams throughout Europe and gets remarkable TV ratings.

This leads to the MLS and the USA national team. I watched the USA in the World Cup in 2014 and they did great to make it out of their group only to lose in the next round. How does a country of 316 million people lose to a country of 11.2 million people (Belgium) in the World Cup?

The MLS has only been active since 1996. Germany’s Bundesliga, the football league with the highest average stadium attendance worldwide, was founded in 1962.
Eldrick “Tiger” Woods at a young age.

Lack of USA soccer role models certainly plays a part. Landon who?
Other options for sports. Basketball, baseball, and football are other popular options for young athletes. These leagues in the USA are far more lucrative than the paltry salaries offered by the MLS.
The USA does not dominate the sport.
Where the hell are the riots we hear about in Europe?
The sport itself.

The Weakness of Soccer

Soccer fans will never admit that their sport is boring. Tactical play. Strategy. WANTING TO TIE! All of this turns high level intelligence into a snooze fest. Many games end with one team scoring one time. Heaven forbid you have to watch a game that ends 0-0. If this wasn’t enough to turn you off, there’s more:

Flopping. Constantly throughout games players flop to get calls and are rewarded for being good at being sneaky. As a sports fan rewarding bad behavior is bad for the sport.
45 minutes followed by 45 more uninterrupted minutes. If you aren’t bored after watching for 5 straight minutes you have to watch for 9x that to get through a half. Worst part is if you get up to take a leak during that time span you might miss the only few seconds of excitement.
The leagues are unbalanced. Teams that have the most money get the best players. No salary cap means that teams the top teams usually stay the top teams. Hard to get excited as a Leicester City fan.

The Verdict

I’m a sports betting fan. I like the idea behind putting my money on a sporting event and watching it. It gives me rooting interest and I genuinely enjoy sports. Plus the games air at 7:45am on a Saturday morning which means morning drinking which is better than day drinking!

I’ve never given soccer a chance though because I find the game slow. I watched a USA – Panama friendly match on Sunday and it was watching paint dry. I can’t imagine I’d get more excited watching a MLS game without money behind it.

The English Premier league interests me strictly because of the rivalry’s involved. The idea of a Champions league where Bayern Munich can play Real Madrid excites me further (they lost 5-0 last year). I want the best of the best. Don’t tell me the CONCACAF is coming to Philly and we aren’t sleeping until it arrives. Just a joke Gourlay.

Let’s not forget Alex Morgan.

Thanks @karakeoughboz for this hilarious vid. Had to share since I had no idea she was filming! #houstonfun

A video posted by Alex Morgan (@alexmorgan13) on May 13, 2014 at 7:33pm PDT

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T12:38:03-04:00February 9th, 2015|Sports|4 Comments

A Day’s Work

Credit the Shee for another nice golf pick. Obviously I would have liked to put more than 15 bucks on Jason Day but a c-note is nothing to sneeze at.

The account has juiced up to almost a K since an 11-3 NFL playoff run starting from $100. This is mostly profit as my fantasy winnings ($+400) canceled by FanDuel losses (~$600).

I also rolled a few decent bowling games this weekend – 175, 170, 190 (leaving out the first 139). I’m still enjoying it and contemplating buying a ball.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T12:38:17-04:00February 9th, 2015|Fantasy|1 Comment

Do You Bet on a Winning (Spurs) Team?

I woke up at 7:30 am to watch Spurs play Arsenal. Since I like to gamble and football is finished, soccer fits the bill. Yes, I just used the word since. To make life interesting I put $75 on Spurs to win $125. The pick em’ and moneyline for soccer still confuse me if anyone wants to explain.

Harry Kane

Harry Kane is a player to watch. The only goal (2) scorer on Spurs from the one game I’ve ever watched. Spurs dominated the game and pulled off a 2-1 victory to move to 4 in the standings. Harry Kane is in the right place at the right time. Tremendous game today to win me $125 dollars. He earned pride more valuable than money.

The key to take away from this game is that the underdog won.

If you can FIND the underdog, you can win a lot money.

So you must ask yourself, who do I root for?

I look to the Sixers as guidance. Why would I root for them? Because they can’t get any worse and it’s the floor of celebration? Rooting for talented teams that win when they are not supposed to is the answer for sports. Sixers are still years away from serious competition but Spurs could be the real deal.

Nerlens and MCW

By Tom Stortz|2015-02-07T11:43:19-05:00February 7th, 2015|Sports|1 Comment

The Details of Life

I had just cleaned my shower with Scrubbing Bubbles and a sponge. I usually hate the sponge because after a single use it gets gross. One of the worst feelings is touching a sponge and it lingering its bacteria all over your hands. Anyway, the scrubbing bubbles residue was still in the shower so I figured I should shower. I turned on the shower and felt a half poop coming on. You never want to poop after the shower because “what’s the point?”

Now I had the shower running and was eliminating waste but the process was stuck at the midway point. I couldn’t stand up and turn the shower off so I had to continue to waste water while people in India were drinking out of the dirty stream they all poop in. Fortunately all was resolved and I washed up in my clean shower.

I keep my watch in the shower because after I run it gets clogged with sweat and stinks. You can see the sponge sitting in the corner and my shower products on the ground. I bought a shampoo and conditioner from Sam’s club and I’ve had them for a year and they are still half full.

I know this is fascinating.

I’m also back on the Photoshop train so expect more pictures. Here’s an enhanced Ruby.

By Tom Stortz|2015-02-05T23:05:37-05:00February 5th, 2015|My Life|1 Comment

A Jenna Marbles Follow

I mainly use my Twitter for posting near nude pictures of female celebrities. I do this because it appears on this blog’s twitter feed and creates material in an instant. I also do it to attract people on Twitter because people love near naked women. These tweets reach about 20 people but today they actually produced a follow by Jenna Marbles.

I posted some pictures that I presumed were new but were actually old which you can still see on the right side. Whether she actually followed me or just some person she hires to maintain her Twitter account is irrelevant. She has 3 million followers. That’s about 3 million more than I have.

I have to make this post because most likely she’ll unfollow me and I’ll return to a lifeless Twitter account.

By Tom Stortz|2015-02-04T18:03:30-05:00February 4th, 2015|My Life|0 Comments

Do You Know Freddie Mercury?

Could you pick him out of this line up? I’m not tricking you. This is Queen.

* It goes 1 left, 2 is top middle, 3 is bottom middle, 4 is right

Loading ...

By Tom Stortz|2015-02-04T15:10:29-05:00February 4th, 2015|Music|2 Comments

My 5 Favorite Movie Assholes

5 Movie Assholes

A few of my favorite movies contain characters who are complete assholes. It’s much more fun watching assholes than being one. This list comprises 5 of my favorite assholes.

Guy Trilby from Bad Words
Aside from Arrested Development, it’s safe to say this is Jason Bateman’s most likable role. Guy Trilby is a dick. He sets out to accomplish one task and says fuck you to anyone else along the way. He befriends a young boy (a theme in this post) and they have a hot and cold relationship. I’d hardly say the movie was 4 stars but it’s one that you could pick up anywhere and find a few laughs. One of my favorite scenes below.

Chaitainya Chopra: What was the word you spelt to win your regional to get here?
Guy Trilby: I don’t fucking remember. Do you see my eyes closed?
Chaitainya Chopra: Mine was inteligencia.
Guy Trilby: Awesome.
Chaitainya Chopra: Come on, try. How could you forget? It such a special word.
Guy Trilby: It was autofellatio. Okay?
Chaitainya Chopra: Yeah.
Chaitainya Chopra: I’ve never heard of that word. What’s its origin?
Guy Trilby: Loneliness. If you don’t point that curry-hole that way and sit your fucking ass down on that seat, I’m gonna tell the Captain that your bag’s ticking.

Willie Stokes from Bad Santa
An obvious pick on this list and Billy Bob’s finest role. A thieving alcoholic stows away with Thurman Murman for a wild ride that ends with a pink elephant. Willie was big on fornicating with heavy set women in the Big and Tall but that barely nicks the surface of his character. Let’s not forget this dime.

Kid: What are their names?
Willie: Who?
Kid: The Elves.
Willie: Shit, I can’t remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there’s a Dopey…
Kid: That’s the seven dwarfs!
Willie: You’re shittin’ me? I thought… I was thinking there was a… I don’t know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them… I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys.
Willie: What the FUCK is wrong with you? I can’t remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
Kid: How old are they?

Sack Lodge from Wedding Crashers
Bradley Cooper’s name is actually Sack Lodge in this movie. Although not a huge role in this, he made the most of what he was given. Another movie where Vince Vaughn is referred to as a “big tree”.

“I hunt quail, Jeremy. They’re overpopulated in this region and they’re decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that? “

Army Ranger Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade from Scent of a Woman
Hoo-AH!!! Al Pacino plays a blind ex-ranger who befriends a high school boy to take him on a “last” trip. His abrasive attitude gave off an asshole vibe but he shines through in the end. Who lets a blind man drive a Ferrari!

By Tom Stortz|2015-02-04T08:31:02-05:00February 3rd, 2015|Movies|2 Comments