We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

The Deflating Goal That Prevented a Riot

Baby, You’re a Rich Man was blasting through my internal speakers before this travesty happened. With the US leading 2-1, the bar was super charged and the US only had to get through penalty time. The table was prematurely celebrating which felt like the right thing to do at the time. Sam, Hurricane, and myself all had some money on the game with Sam and I getting 3 to 1 on our action and Hurricane getting 8-1. Dollar signs were blinding our vision obviously. Super good looking Ronaldo crosses to an African guy from Europe and souls were crushed.

The plan was to storm out of the bar and start rioting with the amped up crowd at Fado. As such, we went home dejected and not even Rita’s could lift the spirits. At the start of the game if you would say that we would have tied Portugal, everyone would have taken it. In actuality, this was the USA’s game to win.

Overall the environment was charged up and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a good time. For a Sunday Evening, it was definitely different. After the game I went home and slept from 9pm until 7:30 because I was beat from the weekend. Playing 4 or 5 games of basketball while hungover was near death. My body is achy today and I just want it to be Friday again.

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-01T23:19:50-04:00June 23rd, 2014|Sports|2 Comments

Stortz Tool Mural

This is done on Photoshop obviously. We were approached by an artist who wants to make this happen, do you like it?

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:07:44-04:00June 20th, 2014|My Brain|2 Comments

Defend Soccer’s Red Card. You Can’t.

This World Cup week is the most soccer I’ve watched over my entire life. I’m hardly an expert but I have a major gripe…red cards. Red cards are too powerful and they are given out like candy at Halloween. In hockey, when you commit a penalty, you spend up to 5 minutes in the penalty box and your team is at a man disadvantage for that period of time. Major penalty’s can last 1/12 of the entire game and this is a MAJOR penalty. Red cards leave your team an entire man down for the duration of the game. If you get a red card in the first minute of the game your team plays a man down for 99% of the game. There isn’t even a rule where the other team scores and you get your man back. Oh wait, and he can’t even play in the team’s next game!

A rule is a rule, I understand that, but refs are throwing out these red cards on fouls that aren’t even fouls! Watch these two clips from 2 games over the past 2 days. Remember, there have only been 6 games and this happened in two of them!

Now naturally I wouldn’t have that much of a stance on this other than it’s ridiculous but this is costing me money. When you bet on a game and this absurdity happens and your team is down a man for the rest of the game, you know you are fucked. This feeling in me when I see 10 v 11 is how I know this red card shit is what makes me hate soccer. Aside from the constant flopping to draw fouls, the refs hand out cards for virtually nothing. I would be fine if a red card was given for tackling someone who is on a breakaway scoring opportunity. Or a headbutt when someone wasn’t looking. Song’s elbow was red card worthy except HE FAILED TO EVEN MAKE CONTACT! Sure he was trying to be a dick but he didn’t even do it properly. Yellow card him but don’t ruin the game over it.

I know there are die hard soccer fans out there and I hope they read this post because if you want an opinion on why soccer isn’t nearly as good as you think it is, there’s one.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:10:35-04:00June 20th, 2014|Sports|5 Comments

Horrible Songs You Shouldn’t Listen To

Ahh, the power of a title. If I put “awesome songs I know you want to listen to”, no one would listen to them. At least this way maybe you won’t even read this text and skip straight to songs which I think are worth listens. I should also point out that I don’t claim to be on the cutting edge because I hear these songs on the radio and if they get them, they aren’t cutting edge.

Future Islands – Seasons (Waiting On You) – The sole purpose I made this post. It may be 4 months old but it’s the first I’m hearing of it. The singer’s voice is awesome.

Maroon 5 – Maps – This was premiered 2 days ago. I’m not a huge Maroon 5 fan but the song is worth a listen

Regina Spektor – You’ve Got Time – I started watching Orange is the New Black and this is the title song. Came out a year ago but it’s not bad.

Wolfgang – Black River – A band that gets overlooked. Consistently putting out quality.

Wild Cub – Colour – The follow up to Thunder Clatter.

Panama Wedding – Uma – This song is growing on me.

By Tom Stortz|2014-06-19T08:04:57-04:00June 19th, 2014|Music|0 Comments

Does Anyone Care What Kim Kardashian Does?

These are some nice pictures of Kim K in Mexico on a recent Honeymoon with Kanye. I don’t know the details of the relationship aside from they had a baby, then got married, and are now looking to have another baby. I know the general public thinks that she has no talent and doesn’t deserve any fame but lets give her some serious credit, she is working hard to get that body in banging shape. These pictures are 8 months after having a baby. Let’s think about the thought process of these pictures.

She knows she looks good. There isn’t even anyone else at the pool. She’s getting snapped looking like she has no idea she is being photographed. How high quality are these pictures for some random paparazzi? She is capturing her moment of brilliance while all eyes are on her. She won’t always look like this and that is why this is the perfect time to strike. The idea behind pictures like this is sneaky good.

How many eyes are going to see these pictures? That Imgur gallery just went up 700 people in the last 5 minutes. 700 people don’t come to my blog a year. There is some serious power in that huge, well rounded ass. What a life. The people who diss her are only jealous of her ability to do nothing and earn millions of dollars. Where is this plotted pic coming from?

Kanye! This marriage only happened at the end of May. He locked that shit up before he started bringing out the money making guns. He makes his living by using his brain in business and he just planned into his biggest asset. (I was going to use moneymaker but both are good choices). Look at that fucking picture!!!! It’s perfect. I know virtually nothing about Kim Kardashian but this was one of the few times my brain landed on a picture of her and made my mind start spinning.

This is business at its finest and Kanye has everything to do with these photos. Give the man his props. “My life is dope and I do dope shit” – Kanye

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:26:48-04:00June 18th, 2014|Celeb|0 Comments

Being a Trendsetter

This homeless man has style. I saw this man wearing 3 layers of pants (khakis, gym pants, and mesh shorts) and sporting golf shoes. A woman gave him a dollar outside of D&D and he immediately went inside and bought a small coffee. After he got the coffee he was pretty happy and bee-bopping some ridiculous rhyme and obviously mentally handicapped. Where does he get those fresh golf shoes?

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:09:48-04:00June 18th, 2014|My Life|4 Comments

Celebs Leaving Room for Imagination

I was floored by Kendall Jenner’s two split dress. I think it’s better than if she was completely naked. There’s something about the not seeing that’s better than the actual seeing. The idea that the filthy slut wouldn’t wear any underwear (I’m sure she did) under that dress is mind blowing. We are seeing the evolution of fashion with this dress.

I’ve compiled a few other pictures of celebs that I think rival Kendall’s smut show. This post is probably not safe for your work.

The Going to be Infamous Kendall Jenner Dress

Kim trying to rival Kendall and failing miserably.

Kate Upton using the wet look.

That Ass of Sofia Vergera

Anna Kendrick dropping bombs

Big Bang Theory girls

Jennette McCurdy from ICarly

Jennifer Love Hewitt Corset has to go

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:26:44-04:00June 17th, 2014|Celeb|0 Comments

Subway Rides Above

The list of world class athletes Subway hires is telling. They moved away from common man Jared losing weight by eating Subway, to being endorsed by the best of the best. Here’s a list of people who have done Subway ads: Michael Phelps, Pele, Megatron, RG3, Ryan Howard, Apollo Ohno, Nastia Lukin, Russell Westbrook, and Blake Griffin.

Why spend so much money to get these people to promote? The answer is simple, if Subway is good enough for these people, Subway is good enough for you. It doesn’t matter if they actually eat Subway or not, your brain is conditioned to associate Subway with Michael Phelps. Phelps is the greatest Olympian of all time. This association is powerful.

Do you know what the biggest restaurant chain is? Subway. There are 41,000+ stores over 106 countries. Do you think their advertising campaign might have something to do with it?

I like to take advertising one step further though because any of these athletes can just say they eat Subway. I agree that using people who are “the best” at their sport is a great way to get points across. What they should actually endorse though is products they use. Michael Phelps should be spokesmen for whatever goggles, bathing suits, and training equipment he uses. When I purchase items for a sport and I know that these are worn by an Olympic athlete when he competes, I’m sold that they are good enough for me.

I like watching golf and seeing what golf balls the pros are using. Duff daddy hits Pro V’s and I’ll continue playing Pro V’s because of this validation. Do you see Top-Flights being played by anybody? Would you think differently about the brand if pro’s played Top Flights?

The aforementioned point about golf balls is the most effective advertising the way I see it. If I can see a pro using equipment, I will buy it. Now when I watch an athlete eat a sandwich it doesn’t pull me as much but I can see how it may affect others. This is a lesson in advertising and how effective using well known celebrities is. It’s why celebrities are celebrities. They can have a major effect on the population. You think the producers of this dress paid Kendall Jenner to wear it?

Kendall Jenner with a dual split that is causing boners everywhere.

By Tom Stortz|2014-06-17T08:27:15-04:00June 17th, 2014|Celeb, Sports|0 Comments

I am a Real American

Aside from a few drunk Saturday mornings, I don’t watch soccer. I find the game slow and the acting for penalties difficult to stomach. However, I felt the urgency to watch a game that the USA only plays every 4 years…because it’s a game to bet on. I’ve been riding some Bovada money and have a a few shekels to throw around. So I think to myself, USA or Ghana in a pick em?

On Friday night I took a cab home at 1:30 and had a cab driver who was from Ghana. I knew that Ghana knocked the US out of the last world cup and that they had the US’s number in past games. The cab driver and I discussed the match and he wasn’t overly confident that Ghana would take down the US. Today I decided to make a wager. I knew I was planning on watching the game with a crowd and also know that it is in bad taste to bet against the USA. So I did what an American does, I bet on US.

If you watched the game, you know this proved amazing. An early goal brought elation to be followed 80 minutes later by a goal from Ghana. Knowing how hard it is to score goals, especially with 9 minutes left, I was chalking it up as a loss. Pony tail man’s corner was perfectly placed and John Brooks, Jr. headed it in a few minutes later. USA didn’t deserve to win that game but they pulled it out.

When I asked Gourlay where the smart money was he told me to lay off it. His heart said USA and brain said Ghana. This proved to be exactly right as Ghana “won” the game, but the US scored more goals. I will say though, and I’ve done this in the past but have learned my lesson, betting against the home team is a scummy move. There will always be another game. USA! USA! USA! Ok I’m off the bandwagon until next game.

By Tom Stortz|2014-06-16T22:32:56-04:00June 16th, 2014|Sports|1 Comment

A Day in the Life of a Witty Spammer

I get tons of spam comments that get blocked and put in the trash. I get the opportunity to look in the spam folder and see what has gotten blocked. After a quick look through, spammers put more thought than you’d think to get people to read their comments. Almost every one links to a Viagra website so it’s not hard to tell which is which but I want to pick out a few of the better ones that I would have been able to tell without any other clues.

I just hope whoever writes these keeps writing more! – Nobody has ever said this to me. Ever.

Always refreshing to hear a rational answer. – Doubt it.

Wham bam thank you, ma’am, my questions are answered! – David Bowie reads the bl0g?

You mean I don’t have to pay for expert advice like this anymore?! – You can if you want.

Wow I must confess you make some very trenchant points. – Is that good?

This “free sharing” of information seems too good to be true. Like communism. – Is this a reverse comment?

Until I found this I thought I’d have to spend the day inside. – It definitely wasn’t on my latest post where I almost killed someone golfing.

I bow down humbly in the presence of such greatness. – Rnningfool for king!

By Tom Stortz|2014-06-16T08:08:10-04:00June 16th, 2014|My Life|1 Comment