We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Lord I Was Born a Gambling Man

Which type of gambler are you?

The Chalk Man

The Money Man will win without getting touched.

You chose Kentucky to win the National Championship. You know Floyd Mayweather (-210) is going to beat Pacquiao. The Cavs are going to win it all (21/10) even though Golden State is actually the favorite (9/5). Either way, you stay with the grain and follow the sharp’s lines because speaking of probability, that’s what is most likely to happen. This method is by far the safest measure of gambling but most likely won’t yield the highest returns. You’re essentially fighting the juice and I tip my cap if you can make money this way.

The Long Shot

“I swear he’s fast.”

You just put $10 dollars on the 5 horse to win at 50-1. The Sixers are going to win the title in ’16, you can just feel it. When you have a strong instinctual feeling on an event, you want to get paid in a big way. Of course this rarely happens but when it does it’s glorious. You also tend to see more in individuals or teams than what really appears. It’s a feeling of accomplishment when you predict an occurrence that is unlikely to happen.

The Opposite of the Public

You’re taking the Clippers

It doesn’t matter what the event is, you want to be on the opposite side against the public. This tends to happen more often than you think when a line opens and the public pounds one side because it looks to good to be true. You know what they say, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. It’s like when the Pats are playing the Jaguar’s and you see a 10 point line and your eyes jump out of your head. 10 points!!! The Pats are going to win by 50! Everyone else believes this and high fiving commences at how easy this money will be. When the game gets played the Jags inevitably play over their heads and lose by 9 and the public wails in defeat.

The Casino Junkie

You’re down $600 but you know that it’s all about to turn. If that dealer didn’t hit a 6 card 21 when you doubled down on a 10 to get 20, everything would be peaches. It’s just a matter of time before your luck turns. Casino games are just about 50/50 you just have to play the odds. This person has experienced the worst feeling in the world when you go to the ATM and get rejected because you’ve overdrawn your limit. Day after casino losses are some of the worst days on Earth. If you are shaking your head yes, this is you. A final requisite is that you’ve seen Passenger 57 and you know you always bet on black.

The Best Bettor of Them All

You don’t.

By Tom Stortz|2015-04-23T10:49:02-04:00April 23rd, 2015|Sports|0 Comments

A Letter From a Dunkin Customer

Dear Dunkin Donuts (I’ve posted this on their Google Reviews Page),

The line can get very long on mornings and I understand that this causes a rush scenario. It doesn’t help that employee turnover at your location is high and this creates a list of people who have no idea what they’re doing. I have one major gripe though that cannot go unnoticed any longer: My bagel does not get toasted.

The precise amount of toasting.

When you ask me what I want and I say a TOASTED sesame seed bagel with cream cheese my expectations of toasted are seeing some noticeable color change on the bagel. I personally have no problem if the bagel gets toasted up until the point of “burnt”. I’d even accept a hint of brown as being toasted. However, you seem to think that “toasted” means “taken for a ride on a conveyor”. As much as the bagel appreciates going for a ride on a machine before it enters my stomach, this is not doing the job.

Considering I’ve been to other Dunkin establishments, I know this problem is not universal. I actually think other Dunkin bagels that get toasted are delicious. In an effort to speed up the line, this franchise has an unacceptable toasting protocol. This can be rectified by purchasing a new toaster which I believe may be an issue because the dial is actually turned to high. I’ve probably eaten hundreds of bagels from your establishment over the years so this isn’t a fly by night critique. If your coffee wasn’t so addicting I probably would never eat there at all.

Your 2.2 rating with 12 reviews on Google is an indication that you are doing a poor job and this is because of the lack of attention to detail. I personally think you are a solid 3 with room to move to a 4 if you start toasting my bagel. As a shareholder of the company, I hope this comes with peace and love and not me being an asshole.

Written with subjective criticism,

Thomas Stortz

By Tom Stortz|2015-04-22T08:33:28-04:00April 22nd, 2015|My Brain|4 Comments

Igloo Desserts Heats Up

Ice cold in the Igloo

Igloo Desserts on Gray’s Ferry here in Philly gets my stamp of approval. With 2,100 likes on Facebook at a 4.6 rating through 69 reviews, I suppose I’m not the only one who approves.

Now normally I wouldn’t go out of my way to express my support but the business model of this frozen yogurt establishment is rock solid. My suspicion is that this shop is set up like thousands of other yogurt shops but dessert is a rarity for me so I’m out of touch. My observations when I compare it to Dairy Queen which I’ve enjoyed in the past:

Self Serve machines in the back

Yogurt is served out of self help machines instead of by an employee. Brilliant. More people can serve themselves at a time thus creating more revenue.
Only a few employees (maybe one), a cashier and a person who makes sure the machines produce, are needed.
The customer makes the dessert better than an employee would. I could be stretching a bit here because I’m downplaying the ice cream “professional” but I know the exact way I want to make my ice cream and I know it’ll be the way I like it. Empower the consumer.
Price is done by weight. No complaints as I got my fill of yogurt for under $5 bucks.
I was skeptical because my impression is that yogurt sucks. However, I could hardly tell the difference and left feeling satisfied and fulfilled with the experience.

I consulted with this bro before I wrote this.

The website is professional and they keep up with social media. I noticed also that with only 2 locations it’s not a chain with no human touch and customers support small business. I can’t speak to how healthy it really is when I put 5 scoops of crushed up snickers bar on my dish but apparently it’s a push against “ice cream”. This approach to serving dessert is a home run in my mind. From someone who generally finds reasons he doesn’t like something before he does, I enjoyed it.

By Tom Stortz|2015-05-04T14:50:13-04:00April 21st, 2015|My Life|1 Comment

You Don’t Care

The older I get the more I recognize that you don’t care. Understand that you isn’t actually you. When I use “you”, i’m referring to the audience. When you read “you”, you think of yourself you selfish bastard. Herein lies the discovery.

Obligatory cat picture.

I was at a few meetings over the weekend that involved a group of about 50. I was in a private conversation with a member of a panel who was presenting in front of the entire group. He said to me, “there are times when I’m speaking when I ask myself am I interesting enough or am I talking too much? When I try to answer that question, I realize that the only one asking those questions are myself, no one else really cares what I think.” Now this person is well respected and although what he says is not entirely true, it did register within me how this world is all YOU driven.

Now this point is taken from my world. If I were Mark Cuban, I wouldn’t be making this post because people DO care about what he has to say. He has influence. For 99.9% of us though, most people we talk to have little to no interest in our life. This should not come as a shock. Most people care mostly about themselves. You see life through your eyes, the person next to you sees it their way. My actions should be molded to fit this idea. I start acting to work with your best interests in mind. Relationships become a two way street. I know this isn’t a new idea but people don’t understand this. They go through life with a me attitude. Me attitudes fail. Cooperation will prevail.

By Tom Stortz|2015-04-19T11:39:41-04:00April 19th, 2015|My Brain|0 Comments

Kevin “The Black Hole” McHale

Kevin McHale was a bad dude.

McHale, who spent his first four seasons as a great sixth man, was nicknamed the Black Hole by Bird and Ainge for his reluctance to pass the ball, even out of double teams.

Welcome to the NBA

Kevin McHale was second fiddle to Larry Bird for most of career and that just isn’t fair. Although known as one of the best power forwards ever, he will always be in the Legend’s shadow. Not for this post.

This is Game 6 of the 1980 NBA Eastern Conference finals with the Sixers up 3-2 on their home court. McHale was a rookie.

Not a bad start to a career. The Celtics disposed of the Sixers despite being down 3-1 and then went on to win the championship against the Rockets in the finals.

In ’82-83, his 3rd year, Kevin McHale signed a contract for a million dollars a year making him the 4th highest paid athlete at the time. This lead to McHales next defining moment of his career.

This foul was done in game 4 of the finals with the series at 2-1 in favor of the Lakers. It signified Boston’s physical play and they came back to win this game and then the series which was the franchise’s fifteenth championship.

The real Big 3

Kevin McHale stories don’t stop there. On March 3rd, 1985 he drops 56 against the Pistons. This was the Celtics all-time record at the time. 4 days later, Larry Bird went for 60. I wonder if there was a competitive nature to that team? The 1985-86 Celtics teams is considered one of the greatest of all time and won the championship that year.

McHale had one of the best statistical seasons of all time the following year scoring 26 points a game, 9.9 rebounds, shot 60% from the floor, and 83% from the foul line (only time ever in NBA history). “When I was healthy, I always felt I could score,” McHale once told reporters. “When it went into what I called ‘The torture chamber,’ I knew it was in.

His latter career, although incredible for most, was not nearly as impressive as when he was in his prime. He was hampered with injuries (along with Larry Bird) and made the playoffs year after year but wasn’t what he once was. In one of the most forgotten aspects of his career, McHale made the all-defense first or second team six times. He is now the head coach of the Houston Rockets.

The Kevin McHale Story

Here’s a story told by Larry Bird to Bill Simmons about Kevin McHale

Bird: Kevin McHale, one time, did one of the dirtiest things anybody can do to an opposing player. He told his buddy, a college friend, a teammate (at one point) at the end of the game in Golden State we were up pretty big — and we were just getting ready to go out of the game — and Kevin told him when he came in, he said, “When you get the ball in the low post, you just turn and shoot it over me, and I’ll just act like I’m defending you.” Sure enough, they threw it in there, he turned and Kevin batted the shot about six rows up into the stands. And I mean I felt so bad for the guy, and the guy was pissed. And I went over to (Celtics coach) K.C. Jones and I said, “Get me out of here. This kid’s out of control, this kid’s out of control.” It was the worst thing I’d ever seen on the basketball court, but that’s why I remember it to this day. You don’t do that to your friend (laughs).”

Chris Engler was the victim of this:

Engler: “The first time I got into a game against the Celtics, they were up by 20 points in the fourth quarter. Kevin and I were coming upcourt, and he whispered to me: ‘When you get the ball, just move in close and shoot a jumper. I won’t even block it. I want to make you look good.”

“I thought it was nice of him. So the first time I got the ball, I took my time and went up for my shot. Next thing I knew, Kevin was slapping the ball off my forehead.”

“He smiled and said, ‘Sorry, I lied.’ ”

McHale’s Torture Chamber

By Tom Stortz|2015-04-14T21:49:17-04:00April 14th, 2015|Sports|1 Comment

Head Spinning

Of course the best blog in the world has nothing more than text as its first impression.

Gourlay’s blog returns and my life is once again complete.

Not so much actually. My life has been a whirlwind of activity that I can’t even keep hold of. I have so many activities planned that I’m in need of a planner. At no other time in my life have I felt the need of a daily planner but I think I’ve reached full adult.

In complete display of being an idiot, I double booked a weekend with two trips. 6 months ago I committed to an annual team relay from Gettysburg to DC (last year’s write up). Without realizing it, I also told Adam and Evan that I’d go to Punta Cana on the same weekend. The latter trip was booked on Friday and I felt sick to my stomach on Monday once I realized what I did. What to do…

I knew I could back out of the AOR but it would have been the wrong choice as a responsible human being. I ended up calling Expedia and getting a full refund on the hotel no problem but I had to incur $300 of fees to get vouchers to American Airline. They wanted to charge $600 but it was a “courtesy” for me being an idiot. How airlines make money 101.

I wish it ended there. I have a bowling league on Wednesday and a basketball league on Thursday. This Wednesday there is an AOR meeting which I have to choose between and then I have a trip to Baltimore for work related business that will have me missing basketball.

Not to mention that the new Stortz website launched today and it is accompanied with ordering issues and failing re-directs all over the place. I’m thinking of walking in the Duplicator:

I’m sort of a fly by night kind of guy where I make plans and then just make it happen. Lately though this isn’t possible because I’m learning that different locations make regular events problematic. Without a doubt I’ve been traveling more lately and it does involve some lifestyle alterations. All is good though now that Goodies is back. Whew!

By Tom Stortz|2015-04-14T16:24:14-04:00April 14th, 2015|My Life|2 Comments

Evan Gattis Welcomes Me to Fantasy Baseball

I joined a fantasy baseball league having minimal fantasy baseball knowledge. I used my resources and had Brookes and Bud draft my team for me because I would have done an awful job. At the end of the day I had a team put together for week 1 which completed on Sunday. I lost 206 – 188 but had one stinging position from the man below.

My catcher went 0-20 with 12 strike outs and 1 walk for a total of -11 points. To think that a person who didn’t swing at any pitch would have been better than Evan is painful. His pitiful performance aside, it only took a week to get a better understanding of what type of a team will win.

Relief pitchers who don’t get saves are shit. Brookes is a big Ken Giles fan but 2.5 points once in a while isn’t going to cut it.
Hitters who don’t hit home runs are shit. 6 pts per dinger. If I guy goes 2-20 and his two homers count for 12 whereas another guy goes 12-20 on all singles, they are scoring the same total. Hypothetical obviously but it demonstrates the power of the HR.
Gotta Stream. Evan told me a story of how someone in his league was pissed he was streaming pitchers. LOL. I’m hardly a good owner but I should have been hawking Sunday starters on Wednesday. To lose a game by 18 and knowing I wasn’t even prepared with a stream is noob city.
A starting pitcher who is also a reliever! Jackpot!
I find myself looking to pick up players who I’ve heard of and this usually leads to aging athletes. I picked up A-Rod (against Brookes request but power is key) and Ubaldo Jimenez who I know was good in 2010 and that was about it. It’s difficult for me to pick up rookies or young players because I’ve never heard of them and have no idea their potential.

Does fantasy baseball make me like watching baseball more? No, it doesn’t. However, I like being competitive and this is another means of testing wits. With past fantasy football success, I think I’ll be able to overcome the struggles of having no idea what I’m doing to climbing the ranks. I feel like the Cleveland Indians in Major League.

By Tom Stortz|2015-04-13T09:04:59-04:00April 13th, 2015|My Life|2 Comments

Tom Stortz Doppelganger

When I first looked at this picture my first thought was I don’t remember this. Was I black out drunk working out?

On closer inspection it’s just a bro who looks exactly like me. After just watching Primer and talking about time travel, I’m pretty sure this is just a copy of me who went off into another location. It’s good to know the other Tom Stortz maintains his fitness.

Not Quite

By Tom Stortz|2015-04-10T10:49:12-04:00April 10th, 2015|My Life|2 Comments

Drop the Selfie Stick

Best Youtube comment:
I was a hoping a boat would hit her.

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-03T15:07:47-04:00April 10th, 2015|Videos|0 Comments

Primer Thoughts from the Present

Brookes lent me the movie Primer. If you’ve never seen it, which I’m sure you haven’t, it’s an 87 minute flick created on a $7,000 budget that uses time travel as its main theme. As always, other people have wrote much more profound thoughts on this subject than I can, most notably Chuck Klosterman in section 3 of the PDF. Even still, without going into details of the movie, the ability to travel in time is by far the most complex thought process to wrap your mind about and this hold true after watching Primer.

As Primer demonstrates, once you have a machine that can go back in time, you can keep going further back in time. This starts to spiral out of control because you keep going back in time and your copies are still…???? I hold no belief that time travel is possible but as I’ve learned from thousands of years of history, nothing is impossible. People think nuclear war would end humanity, I’d put my money on time traveling.

In the Klosterman PDF (an excerpt from Eating the Dinosaur) he poses the question what would you tell your past self if you only had 15 seconds on the phone with him or her. Read the passage if you want to know more about the context of this question but I’ll answer it after giving it some thought. My unrealistic, idealistic present self would tell my past self never to touch a drop of alcohol. However, if I know me, my past self would start laughing and say “some nerd just told me never to drink alcohol.” With more thought on the actuality of the situation, knowing past self would only hear a voice claiming to be me (which I’d have to waste precious time saying), I’d tell myself to not play so many video games. Learn a language, play outdoors, go on dates, do SOMETHING. I didn’t learn this until 24. If I could combine the two tidbits, I think I would be where I’m at now at 27 instead of 31.

By Tom Stortz|2015-04-09T22:44:16-04:00April 9th, 2015|My Brain|1 Comment