About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Funny to Extremes

I don’t consider myself a funny person. I have a good sense of humor but I’m not a joke teller and my zings zag out more often than they connect. However, I don’t get offended by much and I think a few topics are typically funny which I’ll share with you today. More often than not, extremes are funny.

Pooping

everybody-poopsThere is a humor to poop that is undeniable. I don’t necessarily know why I find it hilarious but it’s the #1 go to humor joke to the every day man. Someone taking a dump when they aren’t supposed to is the genus of humor. If you’re shitting in any place that isn’t the toilet, there is a sense of taboo associated with it which is why it’s funny. It’s also disgusting which adds the grossness factor. For instance, if I was getting ready to roll a ball in bowling and crapped myself on the approach, people would laugh. I think it’s because your not supposed to do it which is why it’s always funny. Farting is the lesser humor but still always funny.

Death

Death_87e949_2975976There’s a reason becoming an hero is funny and it’s because there is no more extreme consequence than death. Wishing a disease on someone is low but wishing someone dead is bottom of the barrel. This is why it can be used as a joke more often than not. A few examples:

  • When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandpa did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
  • I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”
  • Two Red Army soldiers in World War II, Jewish and Russian, are buddies. The Jewish soldier is very badly wounded.
    “Finish me off, Ivan; I cannot suffer anymore.”
    “I cannot do it, Abram: I am out of bullets.”
    “Then buy some from me.”

Little Kids Getting Hurt

It’s funny to laugh at someone who is not you. Especially when they are little.

By |2016-04-14T11:20:09-04:00April 14th, 2016|My Brain|1 Comment

Science!

For some reason I thought Gourlay would enjoy the line, “I definitely can see a whole lot of science.”
5OFkMa1

 

By |2016-04-12T16:42:35-04:00April 12th, 2016|My Brain|2 Comments

Billions – The Best Show on TV?!

billionsBillions was incredible. You are hearing it from me first immediately after the close of season 1. I don’t need 5 seasons of the Wire before I claim “it’s the best show on TV”. The acting and character development was 5 star. Damian Lewis and Paul Giamatti were next level. To close the first season with a stand off discussion between the two was brilliant. “The biggest enemy to a person with unlimited resources is going up against someone who has nothing to lose” was masterful. If I were serious about blogging I’d re-watch the entire season and analyze each character because they all stood for a various set of beliefs. That being said, I was surprised Wendy cared about money which I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t.

Sinister

By |2016-04-11T23:12:46-04:00April 11th, 2016|Tv|0 Comments

Another Mundane Bowling Score

I’m sure my bowling life will lose the appeal but for now it’s here to stay. With 4 weeks left in our playoff push, I’ve been rolling better than ever and believe our team is set up perfect to hoist a championship. We’ve all been steadily improving and aside from this season, it will never happen like this again. We started as beginners to the league to set our average where as other teams were already established. This means we are constantly on the up-climb until eventually we hit our peak…which we haven’t yet.

This game was a bit of misnomer as I rolled 5 strikes on one lane and then switched to another due to mechanical failure, which has to be viewed as a disadvantage. The 4 in the 10th was a real bonehead roll which I’m not even sure how it happened but crazy shit occurs when you’re inexperienced in these higher scored arenas. Alex gets 0 points for creativity.
* Rob Kelley bowls the way I throw dice, back handed and awkward. He did man up to do a shot of Old Crow though which is never an easy task.

20160409_143815

*Edit
bowling2

By |2016-10-28T15:45:27-04:00April 11th, 2016|My Life|2 Comments

A Hinkie Thought Continued

6a017d3bd5738f970c01b7c7a5157f970bI want to be clear that I don’t think Sam Hinkie was a complete buffoon. He was given a horrible position to play from and decided that stock piling as many high draft picks, by losing as many games as possible, was his best chance to win. I can’t argue that I think that this is a bad strategy. I do think that doing it for 3 consecutive years is excessive and most team’s don’t do this because drafting picks can be, well, as easy as hitting the lottery.

A real team

A real team

Let’s go back to the ’96-’97 season when the Spurs went 20-62 and what is incorrectly referred to as “tanking”. The Spurs were already a good basketball team making it to the playoffs the last 7 years without once making it to the finals. David Robinson started the season out with a back injury and the team went 3-15. Bob Hill was fired and Gregg Popovich, vice president of operations, named himself head coach. A columnist wrote about this taking place, “Popovich’s ego may overflow, but don’t look for him to coach beyond this season.” David Robinson came back the day Hill was fired (coincidence stated Popovich) and the team went 3-3 before Robinson broke his foot and was out for the rest of the season. The team finished ahead of the Grizzlies and Celtics, but the luck of the draw rewarded them with the first pick which was used to select Tim Duncan and the rest is history. A further breakdown of that season.

Lakers vs Sixers 2025

Lakers vs Sixers 2025

I researched this because people use this example as why “tanking” is a great strategy. The Spurs already had a good team and Duncan allowed them to become a great team with a winning record in the last 19 seasons and 5 championships.

The Sixers were 35-31 in the ’11-’12 season and got past the Bulls in the 1st round of the playoffs before losing to the Celtics. The team was lead by Andre Igoudala, Jrue Holiday, and Evan Turner. Young players Lou Williams, Nik Vucevic, and Thaddeus Young rounded out the roster.

A 20-10 guy last season

A 20-10 guy last season

The following year the Sixers used their first round draft picks on Arnett Moultrie and Moe Harkless and traded Vucevic and Iggy for Andrew Bynum in a multi-way deal. They finished the season with a 34-48 record and trending downward. Let’s not forget the team also had the infamous Kwame Brown. Kobe’s take on Kwame (funniest video ever if you’ve never seen it).  Sam Hinkie and Brett Brown were brought in.

We need to lose...to win.

We need to lose…to win.

The 2013 draft was a way to shake things up in the Sixers organization. Jrue Holiday and a 1st round pick was traded for Nerlens Noel in the 2013 draft, knowing he would not be healthy for the entire season. Michael Carter Williams was selected by the Sixers with the 11th pick and proceeded to win Rookie of the Year. The 2014 draft brought the Sixers Joel Embiid and Dario Saric, both of which were not available for the 2014 season. MCW was then traded for the Lakers 1st round pick in a multi way deal midway through the 2014-15 season.  The 2014-15 season ended with a 18-64 record.

150626005812-jahlil-okafor-post-draft-shoot.1200x672The 2015 draft brought the Sixers Jahlil Okafor. Other key moves this past season were getting shooter Nick Stauskas and Ish Smith. I’m LOL’ing if you couldn’t tell. The team finished with a horrendous 10-72 (the season isn’t over but I can predict) record. This will leave the Sixers with a nice chance at the top pick in this years draft. They also have many chances at various picks that is honestly too confusing for me to understand but you can see for yourself here.

Thon Maker

Thon Maker

As bluntly as possible, the current team has 4 NBA players in Nerlens Noel, Jahlil Okafor, and presumably Joel Embiid & Dario Saric. There are young players on team who could potentially develop but I can’t see other teams saying that they would trade anything of value. They have draft picks to get players like Ben Simmons, Brandon Ingram, Dragan Bender, or Thon Maker. Your guess is as good as mine on which will pan out.

76b88c1009c443d97d9bb69bb088191fWhere does that leave the 76ers? I honestly can’t say in a good place and neither can you. No they aren’t middle of the pack anymore which is a bad place to be. They have the ability to draft young players which is not an easy task. Lebron’s and Curry’s don’t fall from the sky. The current culture is sad as the fans don’t watch the team and for the last 3 years, they’ve only learned how to lose. Sam Hinkie will tell you that these moves take time and players need to develop which is undeniably true. To be happy to have the worst 3 year record in NBA history is tough to stomach. No shit, when you win 10 games that there is only one direction to move so it’s going to get better. Honestly though, how far away is this team from winning a championship? I hope I eat my words and they make the playoffs next year. I don’t see the current roster with tons of talent though after 3 years of tanking. I will say though, at least we are talking about them. I’ll close with this poll to get an idea of a high draft pick.

Will Nerlens Noel ever be an NBA All-Star?

View Results

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By |2016-04-09T10:13:04-04:00April 9th, 2016|Sports|0 Comments

My Opinion on the Hinkie Letter

Sam Hinkie’s Letter

You're not a bad player, you're just not as good as Hinkie thinks you are.

You’re not a bad player, you’re just not as good as Hinkie thinks you are.

After reading the 13 page Hinkie Letter, I get a better feeling for what he was going for but I certainly don’t have much sympathy for the man. He is living in his twisted, contrarian mindset that no one else wants to emulate because it’s so far fetched that only he understands it. I feel like he thinks that having high draft picks and plenty of salary cap room is more important than the ability to predict who good players are going to be. His biggest mistakes, as he put it, were not getting Robert Covington the first chance he could and letting Joel Anthony slip through his hands. Wat? Let’s look deeper into a few of the highlights of his letter.

 

Can’t Argue With This Shitty Position

In May of 2013 when I spoke with several of you—and even when we first met in the summer of 2012—the situation was clear. Your crops had been eaten. A team that clawed its way to a disappointing 34 wins in 2012-13 had a few handfuls of those wins walking out the door (Dorell Wright, Nick Young, Damien Wilkins, Royal Ivey) and a player that drove a bit more who had just undergone a surgery and was expected to be out for the season (Jason Richardson). That left the club with expected wins in the low 20s before replacing anyone. The young players on rookie-scale deals numbered two: Evan Turner & Arnett Moultrie. Two future first round picks were gone as was the recent youth pipeline of Nik Vučević & Moe Harkless. Gulp

On Drafting and Int’l Players

Would I rather have TJ McConnell or Chris Paul as my PG? Let me think...

Would I rather have TJ McConnell or Chris Paul as my PG? Let me think…

We have had the good fortune of drafting relatively early, giving us access to some especially talented players, including Jahlil Okafor (#3), Joel Embiid (#3), and Nerlens Noel (#6). Many in our office tried to set a line of when Jahlil would see his first double team in this league. Those with the under looked smart by the end of opening night, where he went for 26 points and 7 rebounds.

We also put ourselves into position to draft in the second round, where we found two 22-year-old gems to date, including Jerami Grant (#39) and Richaun Holmes (#37). Outside of the top 60 selections delivered two more players with real NBA futures in 24-year-old T.J. McConnell and 25-year-old Robert Covington.

On Young Players

This story underscores what our players, particularly our best players, are in greatest need of—time. The gap between driving wins today and driving wins tomorrow will be heavily influenced by a bunch of factors, but the biggest one is time. For players like Jahlil, Nerlens, and Jerami, getting much nearer the middle of their new NBA cohort will go a long way toward letting their talents shine through, just as it has their whole basketball lives when they were nearer the middle of those cohorts. Get down the experience curve, the faster the better. They are 20, 21, and 22 years old.

On Dario Saric

saricAs of now, we hold three players on this list, highlighted by the 21-year-old Dario Šarić. Dario is a 6-10 forward with a guard’s skills and a big’s toughness. Twice voted as FIBA European Young Player of the Year, we were in position to draft him in part because he required something you’ve had in ample supply: one part courage, two parts patience. He will look great in Sixers blue.

The venerable San Antonio Spurs don’t have three rights-held players playing internationally like we now do, they have thirteen. Most of their names are hard for many fans to pronounce. Ginobili used to be, too.

On the Sixers Draft Picks

#1 picks are no brainers!

#1 picks are no brainers!

In the upcoming May draft lottery, we have what will likely be the best ever odds to get the #1 overall pick (nearly 30%), a roughly 50/50 chance at a top-2 pick (the highest ever), and a roughly 50/50 chance at two top-5 picks, which would be the best lottery night haul ever. That same bounce of a ping pong ball (almost a flip of a coin) will determine if we have three first round picks this year (unusual) or four (unprecedented). That’s this year. Or this quarter, if you will. If you were to estimate the value of those firsts and the ones to follow, from this point forward we have essentially two NBA teams’ worth of first round pick value plus the third most second round picks in the league.

On Salary Cap

Our salary cap position going forward is easily the NBA’s best. The most room, the most flexibility, providing the widest available set of options in free agency or trade of any club.

 

My Thoughts on the 76ers

  • This is what 3 years of Hinkie has produced

    This is what 3 years of Hinkie has produced

    Nerlens, Okafor, and Joel Embiid (we hope) all get marks for being decent basketball players. I actually like Covington too.

  • Ish Smith is ranked 112 out of 116 players in fg% – 40.6%
  • Nik Stauskas, brought in for his shooting, is shooting 33.6% from 3pt land, good for 114th out of 147 players. Kristaps Porzingas is directly behind him.
  • Elton Brand is 37 years old but I’m sure his locker room aura is creating a wealth of positive energy around the team.
  • The 32 year old Carl Landry was receiving chants of MVP at the latest Sixers game. Oh boy.

Sam,

You had 3 years to build a team. At the end of the that time you have young players and a bunch of misfits with promises of high draft picks. Agreed, it’s a strategy that no one else is utilizing in the NBA. You most certainly are a contrarian. At this point, there are no signs that what you put into motion after 3 years will work. Your eye for talent is questionable at best when you think TJ McConnel is suitable as an NBA point guard. Good day sir.

By |2016-04-08T14:54:12-04:00April 8th, 2016|Sports|5 Comments

Ariel Winter in the Summer

Ariel Winter, Alex Dunphy from Modern Family, turned 18 on January 28, 1988. She is now fresh meat for the paparazzi. I think she’s moderately attractive and her body type is unlike the sticks who are generally the hottest actresses which is why she is drawing heavy attention. Also her g-string is flossing her ass. I also think if her character wasn’t a nerd on Modern Family, no one would care.

By |2016-10-28T15:28:50-04:00April 7th, 2016|Celeb|0 Comments

The Unlikely Turkey

bowlingstats

Sam’s 12.86 is leading the league for most improved bowler.

If you’re reading both Sam and my blogs, you’ll know we’ve gotten pretty into bowling. We’ve really upped our games at South Bowl (Sam is now 181 avg, and I’m 180) but my Wednesday league at Hi-Spots is a different story. The highest average in the league is 184 and it’s coming from a 206 bowler at other lanes. Bowling at Hi-Spots is about a 20 pin difference. The main difference is the amount of oil on the lanes which is consistent at South Bowl and always different at Hi-Spots. I’ll share the details of the Wednesday league.

oWe are currently out of the playoffs (17-19) and then there are 5 teams who have in between 22 and 19 wins. We desperately need wins with 3 weeks left in the league. Last night was a battle. We lost the first game by 15 pins with their 4th bowler getting a turkey in the 10th to virtually seal it. We won the 2nd game by 25 pins with our entire team closing out the 10th with marks. This lead to an interesting final game.

turkey-bowlingIf you read how I only needed 1 pin to get a victory for our team 2 weeks and failed, you’ll know my confidence was a bit shaky as the anchor. We started out the 3rd game hot and built an early lead. They stormed back and got it close in the 10th but we had the advantage. 2 of our 4 bowlers went open in the 10th which left the door open. I was coming off a strike in the 9th and my opponent was open in a tight game. A strike would seal it. I rolled a ball that missed the pocket right and left me with the 5 pin. My opponent rolled a strike. I hit the spare. My opponent needed a strike or else it was over…and did. On the last ball, the other team was up 1 pin. I rolled first and came up clutch with a strike. Opponent needed a strike to win and anything else ties or loses…….he got it. We lost by a single pin and split the match 2-2. Tough to swallow. The close did boost my confidence though and I’m back to feeling comfortable in the anchor role which is good. My scores were 148, 168, 178 which is a huge improvement compared to what I’ve been bowling.  Big week next week against Living on a Spare.

By |2016-04-07T11:04:20-04:00April 7th, 2016|My Life|0 Comments

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