We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Pondering

You don’t ponder the answer to questions that have fact answers. If someone asks you how big a t-rex is, you don’t ponder for the answer, you think about it. You do ponder events that are incalculable. Things that pertain to the future like new ideas or other opportunities. College is a good time to do your pondering. You don’t have many expenses and you are learning things that are supposed to interest you. Plus you are young enough that if things don’t feel right, you can just change your path. At 26, there is no more pondering. I am in it at this point, neck deep. I didn’t spend 5 years learning the family business to sketch out and try something else. If I don’t like it or selling the product doesn’t interest me, too bad. However, even though realistically it is difficult for me to change courses, I still do brainstorm ways of making a living through different business ventures and today I will give a couple examples (some I’ve probably written about before but just skip it if you’ve read it)

This is by far my favorite but I like the idea of a beer distributor with scantily clad females to lure in the overweight drunkard men. This works on so many levels. First off, I would import hundreds of different labels from different breweries. Then I’d get to sample them all and form opinions on each one. I could document this in a database and it would become the bible of the store. You could categorize different selling points (price, type, brewer) of the beer, have the customers enter preferences and it could pick a beer that would work to their needs. I know beer and I would be a great salesman for it and the girls wearing nothing would be the main attraction. They could take shifts between standing on a platform and working the register. I could charge a mark up on the beer too because people wouldn’t mind coming to my place because it’s first class. Probably have some big screens there too so when people go to get more beer during halftime, they don’t miss anything. I would also compliment it with an illegal fireworks line. I’d call it “boobs, beers, and blasts.”

Next idea is a driving range bar.

Whenever I go to the range I feel like I just speed through a bucket and then leave. I want to go to a place where I can get a drink, watch the game, and then hit a few balls in between commercials. The best part is the set up of the range. I’d have moving targets moving back and forth between the range and anytime someone hit it they’d get a free drink. I’d set up a mini golf course that had contests going off every hour or two. Drunk people love to gamble and people would be challenging each other to mini golf all the time. My plan for the mini golf would be an 18 story building with a hole on each level. People love heights and you could make some seriously wild holes if you had a level for each hole. Once they get up 18 stories they have get to zip line down to the ground level. It’d be called the bar on the range.

I want one utensil. One. I would like to say it self cleans but you’d probably have to manually clean it after each use. It would sort of be a spork but longer and be able to perform all three things that spoons, forks and knives do. Here’s a picture:

I named it the tri-eat because it does 3 things and it would be such a treat to have. I’m sure some are concerned about the serrated moving blades that cut right through steak but it’s made with the latest nano technologies and can sense when they are going to enter your mouth. This is a pretty nifty and sophisticated device, I feel that is pretty evident from the intricate detail of the drawing. If you want one just let me know and I’ll put together some pricing depending on what demand I’m looking at.

I could come up with ideas all day and night. How many of them are actually plausible is a different story. I tend to violate laws of physics and codes of conduct when I brainstorm. If any of these ideas come to fruition, I want a piece.

By Tom Stortz|2010-04-09T08:16:06-04:00April 8th, 2010|My Brain|0 Comments

Title change

So the randomness of me has been altered. Essentially when I searched for the randomness of me my site came up 3rd. Now I know not one person has ever searched for the randomness of me and to come up 3rd with such lame keywords was a bit disheartening. I read the two blogs ahead of me and the one hadn’t posted in months and the other crazed loon was photo shopping Jon and Kait. I knew that if I couldn’t top these two then I might as well add my moniker and then a funny word after it. Here are some synonyms for unhinged – bananas, batty, berserk, bonkers, confused, crazed, crazy, deranged, disturbed, insane, loopy, lunatic, mad, maniac, manic, mental, out of one’s mind, out to lunch, touched, unbalanced. We’ve been using the word bonkers for whenever someone passes the over the line of being normal. Meaning one too many mind erasers could drive you to that state or even a 38 dollar check from bodog. I’m not necessarily sure I’m going to keep it but it’ll have to work for now. I also altered the theme to keep things lively.

I’ve been pretty busy at work lately which is a good thing. I have a sales trip scheduled in a week or two that I’ll be doing by myself. I had too many good stories when I went with my dad so I know it’s not going to be as entertaining. There’s some apprehension about entering businesses and trying to sell them your goods but once I rationalize it like they are only people and they really can’t do anything to negatively impact you, so what the fuck. The webpage has been filled with the content and now it’s just time to add some extra features like payment processing and making sure everything is working. Hopefully this will bump business.

I’ve also been learning about option trading and have actually begun experimenting with it a bit. At 26 it’s such a good time to learn about the different financial vehicles out there because you’ll have the rest of your life to play with them. Plus it actually interests me which I can’t say about a lot of things. Maybe I’ll write about some of the moves I make in this blog to give people ideas of what goes through my head and how I think situations out (flawed perhaps but I always appreciate input even though I always rip any comments made in the blog). I’ve been gung ho on Sirius radio for a long time and it would only be just at this point if the stock went on a tear to the moon and I would profit in big ways through call options. Keep your fingers crossed.

I watched Black Hawk Down for the first time and I really don’t see what Hurt Locker had over this movie. It was made almost 10 years ago and I thought that point was barely noticeable. I thought the cast was great, no actors played their parts poorly. The mission was realistic and seemingly as accurate as you can make it. How they killed 1,000 skinnies and only lost 19 men is beyond me. That is really some amazing commandment. I’m sort of hurting for things to do again. I still have money in my poker account but haven’t been running so hot lately. The on demand for movies contains only the “i have to be extremely bored to watch this.” I might actually spend some more time reviewing more financial tactics just for kicks. I’ve wrote it before but if I went to college now after 5 years of work experience, I would have cared and learned so much more than when I went through it the first time. Concepts that they teach you in college are so foreign without real life experience that they just get forgotten as you get older.

I wanted to put out a contest to see how many people know what I’m talking about. There is a song that has an opening lyric that is burning and smells bad. That is the only clue and I think that this should be pretty hard but we’ll see. 10 dollars for the first person who emails tom@stortz.com the answer.

By Tom Stortz|2010-04-08T01:17:31-04:00April 8th, 2010|My Life|1 Comment

Tired

I’m tired of the way they put too much cream cheese on my bagel. I’m a neat person and they make me get all these napkins and it starts to ooze out the side. They do it with my sausage, egg and cheese too. Ketchup just gets poured on and then it starts leaking and potentially getting on my shirt and even if it’s not fault of theirs I would boycott an establishment if they ruined my shirt because I was messy due to them.

I’m tired of the bird’s shitting on my car. It forces me to get a car wash and then the second I park the car again, they shit on it again. Lose lose scenario.

I’m tired of Yahoo bringing me to their search engine instead of letting me type in the url. I don’t know if this happens to anyone else but it frustrates me to no end. It will bring you back to it’s search 4 times before it lets you type in the URL. If it continues trying to trick people to search on its site, Google will win the war.

I’m tired of Imania. Seriously, Apple and it’s fanboys are taking over. Evan said that Apple is entering into the market of ads on their Iphones which becomes a direct competitor to his company. If everyone keeps buying their stuff they are only going to become more powerful and continue to dominate with their mobile porn devices. Little companies are going to become a thing of the past because the ability to compete with big boys due to economies of scale and the capital that backs them is too difficult to overcome.

I’m tired of bills that are endless. Honestly, I would like to negotiate all my bills ahead of time so I could just pay them in yearly increments at a better negotiated rate. This month to month is bullshit because it constantly reminds you that you are getting fucked. I pay 30 something a month for the gym and now that it’s nice out, I will go there only when it’s raining. So that comes out to be a couple of times a month but if I cancel my membership it’s 10 bucks a visit. And my phone is a hundred a month for an unlimited data plan where I hardly even have a use for the internet from my phone aside for email but I think that’s separate anyhow. I use 1/3 of my allotted minutes but my plan is so basic that that’s just what it is. It’s another screw job.

I’m tired of the Jersey Shore. I don’t really understand how you can do the show again with the same people but just in a different location. When they were doing it in Jersey it was all new and they were themselves. Now they move them to Miami with all the hype around it and they just won’t act the same. Evan thinks all reality television is set up which I only half believe. I’ve seen some things on reality shows that if people were actually acting, they should be academy award winners instead of a prop in a masterplanned staging.

I’m tired of “free” goods. Let me explain why something is free, it’s because you run out of it and then you have to buy it again because you’re hooked. I hear ads for free sex pills. They give you the pills as a try, you try them, have ridiculous sex because you’ve taken a placebo and next you know these pills are the reason and you have to have them so you get suckered into buying them. Same thing with products that help you quit smoking. Sure it’s free because they don’t want you addicted to cigarettes, they want you addicted to their product. Nothing in life is free, there is always a reason why it’s free.

I’m tired of Muse and Phoenix. No doubt they produce some good music but talk about overplayed. If I have to hear 1901, Listomania, or Resistance again I’m going to freak. If you still like all these songs you are what I call the public. These songs have been playing for such a long time that if you listen to the radio they have to make you sick. They were playing Listomania at the end of last season’s Entourage, how can it still be popular? Also please please check out Animal by Neon Trees, I assure you this is a good song.

I’m not tired of this but all my t-shirts have become dark colored alcohol related t-shirts. Growing up I would use to have a lot of multi colored sports shirts. As a little kid you’d acquire shirts from sports camps and clothes your mom bought and the colors never matter either. Now it’s either Guinness, Jameson, or some rock band. I miss the good old days where I used to wear shorts everyday from March to November. I’m actually wearing jeans today and I have no idea why. Just sort of happened. I think I’m getting tired of growing up. Getting older is one of those things that you don’t realize how old you are until you get old. While you’re young and living there’s never a thought to youth ending but as mine comes to an end (or has ended), there is really nothing you can do but look forward.

Also if you didn’t watch the series “how to make it in america” on hbo, I would highly recommend it. It’s only 7 episodes and it’s not a reality show but if feels real. I wouldn’t waste your time if I didn’t think it was good. They had a good line from “shitbreak” who is a hedge fund manager that said that it’s not good to acquire wealth all of a sudden, it’s an accumulation process that takes time and therefore you appreciate it more. They also have the 2nd season of the wire on demand too which is obviously worth checking out.

By Tom Stortz|2010-04-07T09:02:03-04:00April 7th, 2010|My Brain|1 Comment

Topical post

I don’t do too many topical posts but I came across a few things today that I thought were worth mentioning. First off Josyln James was on Howard Stern today and talked about the 3 year affair with Tiger. I assume not to many people listen to Howard and I want to fill in some details. I didn’t get to listen to the whole interview but she came off as pretty honest about the whole thing. When they banged they wouldn’t use protection and she had one miscarriage and aborted the baby the 2nd time. I’d think you’d want to keep Tiger’s baby but what do I know. She said Tiger was an ass man and everything was fair game (anal, salad tossing, crazy positions) you name it. I’m actually starting to get tired of the whole thing but to think of Tiger in that light is I’m sure what the sponsors were afraid of. I placed a bet on Thursday that Tiger would come out in a black hat so keep your fingers crossed.

I watched most of the NCAA Championship game and with no action on the game and no chance to win any pool, this was by far the most excited I was for a sporting event in years. Watching a small school like Butler claw their way with 2 chances to beat the powerhouse of Duke was really tremendous. They had that hillbilly with the stupid mustache and Gordon leading the charge and I was just really impressed with the play of that team. They didn’t have a high powered offense but they just hung tough and won basketball games. I thought this game was far superior to any professional title game I’ve seen in such a long time. Drew Brees'(s) (do I apostrophe here even if it end in an s) super bowl win didn’t even come close. The Phillies getting to the World Series isn’t even a blip on my radar. All these Phillie fanboys come out now that Philadelphia has a good team again. I was actually surprised that they’ve had winning seasons since 2003. I really don’t have a vendetta against pro baseball but I just find the whole sport slow and dull and could find something better to watch on VH1.

Stop reading if you watch 24 and didn’t see the last episode because I will spoil in a sentence. Where is the show going now that all the terrorists are dead and there is no more Hassan? I haven’t really felt the gravity of the situation at any point in this season. I’m entertained an hour at a time but the big picture is stupid.

By Tom Stortz|2010-04-06T01:21:13-04:00April 6th, 2010|Sports|0 Comments

Part 2 follow up

So I just had a nice think session while smoking a stogy and drinking a few beers. I rarely smoke tobacco and it gives me a different buzz than I’m used to so I do see why people get hooked. I’ve never smoked cigarettes but the occasional cigar from time to time is well worth it. While I was outside with my cigar and beers, Jill commented that I look like her grandpop. As I’ve gotten older, I find the television less entertaining and sitting outside by myself more productive. I honestly think a chair, a cigar, some beers, and a radio could keep me busy for hours on end. I think this puts you in old man status.

I just read a couple chapters from a book that gives some thoughts on interacting with humans which I think correlates well to what I posted earlier today. A couple of tidbits that I took out of the book that I’ll share with whoever reads this even though I’d prefer to not give away anything as it can damage my moves. The chapter is titled “Get anyone to like you.”

Like attracts like. When you speak to this person, talk about what you both enjoy and what you have in commonI’ll try to use an example. The hot bartender likes to ride horses. I don’t know jack shit other than win, place, and show. If we ever got together, I’d be attending events watching horses jump fences. Not really my cup of tea. I do think it’s going to be difficult though to find a girl who wants to bet on sports games and drink beer for hours on end. My like might be tougher to find.

You can spend all day trying to get her to like you and to think well of you, but it’s how you make her feel when she is around you that makes the difference I think this is a pretty good point and probably illustrates the downfalls of my approach. When I use my flattery technique at the bar it just comes off as a lame attempt at a complement. Whether I’m actually being sincere or not is another story. Generally my flattery approach is well intended. I don’t just spew false complements, I actually mean them when I say them (meaning if I tell a girl she’s pretty, I’m not lying but the ultimate goal probably over shadows the words). So this book is telling me to actually empathize and get on the girls level so you can understand them better. Now we have a problem. I’m not going to the bar to make friends, I’m going to have a good time. Conversation at this level is unattainable and detrimental to one night stands.

When you want to be seen as more likable, do something embarrassing and smile at yourself. If you read my brothers blog he actually touched on this and I fully agree. I’m not a machine and I do stupid things and the ability to realize them, shrug them off and move on is a good trait to have. I think this concept probably doesn’t have the same meaning as getting black out drunk and doing stupid things.

Look directly into the other person’s eyes when speaking and listening. This one is certainly not my forte. I’m going to make a Calvin and Hobbes reference here (I was searching for the exact comic strip but couldn’t find it on first look so this is how I remember it.) You stare directly at the space between their eyes, you give a few head nods, put your hand to your chin like they are saying something important and that’s all there is to it. I’ve never seen the merit of eye contact. I’ve wrote before that it kind of creeps me out. You stare directly at them, them at you like they are trying to enter your mind. I will do my best to experiment with this but no guarantees.

I know this book sounds like a complete homo book but it’s called “Get anyone to do anything” so it’s not like I went to the book store to buy a book on picking up girls or relationships. My intentions were to manipulate the people around me so I would always win. That’s not exactly true but more so on the latter than what I just commented on. I also hope people don’t read this and take it as my precise word. I’m pretty honest in this blog but I have to write things to make them interesting and not just plain jane boring bs. I think that this point gets misconstrued often and probably a reason there aren’t more blogs out there. This is done for entertainment and I’m certainly not the messiah. You’d be better off doing the opposite of what I write.

By Tom Stortz|2010-04-08T15:14:18-04:00April 5th, 2010|My Brain|0 Comments

2 or 4 door

I forgot that I was supposed to post this. On Friday we were going to drive to the driving range. So it was Chad, his brother Jon and myself. They both have black Nissan Altimas. So Jon was going to drive and I went to get into the back seat. I open the front door and pull the lever back but the seat is only sliding forward. So Jon’s in the front seat looking at me like I’m a retard and I’m staring right back at him like he’s retarded because his car is retarded. Turns out his is a sedan w/ doors and Chad’s is a coupe. So after some humiliation and them laughing at me because I was a sped, live moves on.

Just cruising topics. Now that’s it’s nice out, people start to run outside more. Understand I am completely for any and all exercise. I don’t care if your fat, stumpy, fugly, it doesn’t really matter the effort of actually doing it is what really counts. That being said, why do I see so many out of shape people. I just can’t understand how people let themselves go like that. It really isn’t that hard. I can’t imagine everyone is so busy that they can’t find one hour a day to put in some cardio and some lifting. You only have one body so you should pretty much take care of it. I abuse the hell out of with alcohol but I put in my time on the weekdays. There is a balance to everything.

By Tom Stortz|2010-08-11T16:08:33-04:00April 5th, 2010|My Life|1 Comment

Hard to say

I think I’m going to stop writing about what I do so much and more about what I think. I just don’t think I’m doing anything that extraordinary that anyone really cares. I could write about my golf round of 104 or my bar experiences but there’s just not much different from the usual.

What I do want to write about is conversing. When you are out socializing with people, it’s imperative to not be a stick and the mud and make attempt to bring something to the table. Conversations work when two people are involved. There’s something important that I think people seem to miss fairly often. If I’m talking to you and I ask you a question, I think you should answer the question and then add something else to the conversation. For example, “Are you going to so and so…?” “Yes, I am. I’m leaving on this date and going with this person.” It’s not that complicated but I find ineptitude from people who like stopping conversations with short answers. I like to ask questions but if I can’t get answers to keep me asking questions, then shit stops. I also don’t like when people talk too much about themselves, but this is far better than trying to pry information out of the person. What’s been happening recently to me is that my question asking is getting me in trouble because I have a couple of key topics I like to hit on but if I’ve seen the person before there’s a good chance I already asked them those questions but I don’t remember doing it, then I look like the retard. This happens plenty of times that at this point I don’t even get embarrassed. I asked some girl her name and she was like “i’ve been over your apt multiple times and met you on all those occasions.” I guess you’re not a keeper…

My plan of attack is pretty simple really for random girl strangers. First I give them a compliment on their hair or eyes or the one wagon said I used “I think you look really pretty.” Then I ask them where they are from. Then I ask what they like to do. The last question sometimes stymies people because some people have no clue what they like to do and I catch them completely off guard. Generally these conversations will last a few minutes before I run out of things to say or I get tired of working the conversation. What never happens though, is girls never ask what I do. Seriously, it’s like their world and they could care less about yours.

I actually think I’ve been doing a good job working some game recently but I am just clueless on how to advance anything. Conversation isn’t the problem for me anymore where I think I faltered in earlier years. I can talk to girls fine and I get the feeling that they like me back (sometimes) but my ability to ask for numbers or make something happen is just not there. I think I just get distracted or bored. Jkash and I were discussing that if you go up to a girl and she’s dancing with you and everything is going fine, that it should take no longer than one song for her to make up her mind if she’d sleep with you or not. I can’t be dancing the night away with some girl who at the end of the night her friend is going to pull her away. They should really make it easier on everyone where they have rooms for people who are looking to get some and then rooms for boyfriends and girlfriends where it’s not worth wasting time. Separate rooms for people not looking to have fun should be included as well.

I am by no means the standard for socializing at the bar. I over think everything and am generally too drunk to function anyhow. I still find it better than staying in and doing something normal like watching a movie or playing a game. I think this summer has a lot of potential for creeping. My roommates are gone for the weekend so if girls want to line up and schedule 30 minute time slots, I will be happy to be like Tiger Woods.

By Tom Stortz|2010-04-08T15:11:57-04:00April 5th, 2010|My Brain|2 Comments

Rare Saturday Entry

I scheduled a dentist appointment for 11am on Saturday. Obviously I knew that this could be problematic. However, I woke up at 10:21, drove over there successfully only to have she devil pick at my gums until they bled dry. Yes I know I don’t floss often enough but I brush twice every day and it’s still not enough. Funny thing was though, I slept in my clothes and didn’t change before going over there so I probably reeked of alcohol and bar smell. I actually like the person who cleans my teeth though, she’s nice and every time I apologize for not flossing enough she quickly dismisses it. Here’s the thing with flossing, appointments are scheduled every 6 months. That is a lot of time to make up for. If I don’t floss for 5 months straight and then floss every day for a month I’d be golden. Problem is that I just treat that last month like the first 5. I would like to say though that I do go to the dentist. People around me are saying they don’t go and I must say that they are asking for trouble. Mouth work is not fun but critical to maintaining yourself.

Golf today. Probably not running because my insides aren’t working properly.

By Tom Stortz|2010-04-08T15:13:24-04:00April 3rd, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

Due to my lack of ineptitude

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-03T15:24:47-04:00April 1st, 2010|Videos|0 Comments

What do you think

I just have a couple of topics to harp on. We played Monopoly last night, the two Cohens, Wagon, and myself. 4 people is a good amount for board game playing. You can’t play with 2, 3 seems like it’s forced but with 4 people you can get a solid game in. And the more people that play the more fun board games become. Anyway we got to the midgame with all of us without any natural monopolies. I had the most properties but no money and everyone else had cash. So we begin negotiations and I say something to the effect that I need money. So what happens is I get both Evan and Adam willing to fork over some cash for some monopolies. I tell Evan I’ll trade him park place for all his money, and then Adam comes up with the deal that he’ll give me North Carolina (I only have one green) and about 1,500 dollars for my two yellows which would give him a monopoly. I gladly accept Evan who now has no money but a monopoly and can mortgage for a couple hundred bucks and Adam who has the yellow monopoly and a couple hundred bucks. So I’m sitting there with 3,500 dollars and then I make a deal with Chad for the 3rd green and give up my light blue and purple which give him monopolies. Obviously I wouldn’t be telling this story unless I dominated the rest of the game due to my business savvy. There were some outside forces that went along with this game but I wouldn’t be hiring the Cohen’s to look after your money because the real estate market and the potential of hotels will make them bonkers.

I have another insight on the free t-shirt. Free t-shirts are perfectly acceptable. I actually wear these green b&b t-shirts that I got at some convention nearly everyday. But understand, free t-shirts are garbage t-shirts. You shouldn’t get attached to them and should be apt to throw them away at the first sign of shrinkage or tear. There is something about a free t-shirt that says that I’m a cheap piece of shit and unworthy to be shown in public except under work, sports, or hanging around circumstances. Personally I have 2 separate t-shirt drawers, one pile (which I appropriately store on the floor) are my freebies which I work and sweat in, and another pile that I probably paid for an will wear out in public if I go anywhere. If you have a free t-shirt for over 5 years, it’s time to lay it to rest. I’m sure people take pride in having t shirts for a lengthy period of time but let me explain that this is more disgusting than Roseanne’s snatch.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of fun at stop signs. I like to see how timid people are. So when I come to a 4 way stop sign and the person to my left gets there ahead of me. I like to hit the accelerator and act like I’m going to go through just to see if they hit their brakes and let me. I see weak drivers all the time and just like to bully them. Same thing when people get stuck behind a stopped vehicle like a bus or someone broken down and they have their signal on to move over. I try to be nice and stop and let them turn into the open lane but when people are too bad of a driver to notice me doing this and just sit their because they are inept at using their mirrors, I just nix the idea and plow ahead. I could write columns on driving but it gets me too infuriated just sitting here.

My final observation is that I have a ton of socks. At least 25 pair of socks. The funny thing is I want more. The lifeline of a sock isn’t really that long. New socks have this nice feeling about them. They come right out of the bag all soft and new and you actually look forward to wearing a new sock. However, what I have now is 25 pairs of socks that are worn and just not new. I don’t like to toss a sock unless it has a hole in it which is why I have so many pair. Maybe I’ll donate all my socks to the homeless and just start fresh with packets and packets of new socks.

Prediction for the day, I will use the word “intrepid’ in conversation today.
Intrepid – Fearless; bold; brave; undaunted; courageous; as, an intrepid soldier; intrepid spirit.

I didn’t proof read either so…

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-02T00:01:55-04:00March 31st, 2010|My Life|0 Comments