We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Twilight

This is going to be a different entry. It’s 2:14 and I’m deciding to write a blog entry. I went out with Jkash to Mad River and I was in control all of the night. I even paid a taxi driver 10 bucks because it could potentially cost me 3k. Mad River was decent and we got some reasonably good deals on drinks. Jkash wound up finding some female at 1 or so and I decided to bounce because I was trying to not make any mistakes and came back here. I finished watching the first Twilight movie and I was pretty satisfied. I feel like there is a lot of hate justified to this series but after watching the movie I thought it was pretty entertaining. If I didn’t know there were sequels after watching the first movies I would have totally felt ripped off. I know I completely missed the boat on this series but that was because it seemed like such a homo series. However, I asked the Jtrain what he thought of Twilight and this 19 year old male answered that he thought it was really good. Unprovoked I got a straight answer and I will also concur with this opinion. I thought the prolonged kiss with Edward was well played and how they drew it out with him spending time with her (yeah right). The fight scene was pretty hokey and it sort of came out of left field which I thought was weak but I thought Kristen Stewart was fine for the role and I had little problem with any other acting. I even thought the dialogue was really good.

When I hear Sam say that he thought Adventueland was really good and then for it to be confirmed by Palmisano (a Princeton undergraduate) I just have to make sure I have my head screwed on. When I asked Sam what he liked about the movie he couldn’t give a good answer and Palm said that he liked the romantic love interest. I completely disagree with the assessment as I thought the entire movie was bland and I couldn’t connect on any levels with the characters. The Ryan Reynolds part was out there and the Kim P (I can’t remember exactly) was just plain dumb and meaningless. It was just not a good movie. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Twilight was interesting and I thought the movie was well done in pretty much every sense. When Edward and Bella are on that tree spending time together and she says something cheesy and he response with something cheesy, I thought it was a job well done on setting the mood. Now don’t’ get me wrong here, I thought the prom dancing scene was reasonable for a series with sequels but the ending was borderline terrible. Watch the show True Blood and then you’ll know how to end an episode. Seriously that show does it every single week. If I don’t get Hbo this week in OCMD, first thing I’ll do is OnDemand True Blood. I still have to watch Treme before I head off but I plan to do that at 9am tomorrow before I head out. I’m also sure that I’ll take some heat for this flaming post but I’m not ashamed to admit what I think. I think the show Glee is good and I also find the Twilight series entertaining. Sorry.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T17:21:39-04:00June 26th, 2010|Movies|0 Comments

Peeling

By Tom Stortz|2010-07-08T00:58:26-04:00June 24th, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

Winding down

Wagon and I played a round of golf in under 3 hours. I was 91 and he was 92. We have some minor controversy because my ball on hole 5 got buried in the sand trap and I dislodged it without taking a stroke. I drove the ball awesome all day though and should have been in the mid 80’s but I made a few mistakes on holes 9-12. I was 42 on the front and then hit a perfect 3 iron on 10 but ended with an 8 on the card because I over hit the green and it hit the cart path and landed 40 yards past the green. The bottom line is that I’m crushing the ball and am playing the best golf of the season so far.

We had a really nice dinner at a place in Avalon called the Rock and Chair. 9 of us went and we did it as a minor celebration for the Wagon’s birthday. I ordered a king cut of prime rib and it was dynamite. We capped the dinner off with some car bombs that the Wagon moronically declined. We ended up going to the Princeton which was decent for a Wednesday night. So far everything has been going well and I’ve had no mistakes. I went for a run today and after I finished I had sweat being trapped in bubbles on my skin. I’m peeling completely at this point so I look a bit like a mutant but it will get better in no time.

We still haven’t caught a fish but today is going to be the day. We didn’t go on the Ms Avalon because they don’t get enough people for the 1pm trip and we don’t wake up early enough for the 8am. This vacation is coming to a close because I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 12:30 that I have to attend. Days go by really fast down here when you have nothing to do.

By Tom Stortz|2010-06-24T12:39:31-04:00June 24th, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

Vacation Pics

We bought blood worms and sardines and fish off the dock. Still without a fish.

I look like a tard

Notice all the females and how attentive the J-train is.

I own at catchphrase

By Tom Stortz|2010-07-08T00:59:08-04:00June 22nd, 2010|My Life|2 Comments

Teach me how to dougie

So I ended up in Jeff and Mael’s friends swimming pool last night in my boxers. We went to the Princeton which is much more low key on a Monday night. Catchphrase was a hit pre-bar. I was under control again which is becoming probably my longest streak of non-blackout nights in ages. I’m also well aware that these sentences aren’t at all relevant to one another. We are going on a boat in about one hour to go fishing where we are guaranteed to catch something. We had planned to go golfing early this morning but that never happened because I woke up at 10am. I’m still looking like a lobster and the sun burn is killing my shoulders so that makes normal activities difficult. Chad’s birthday is on Thursday so tomorrow night should be off the hook. Which means that tonight will hopefully be mild but I make no guarantees. It’s already Tuesday and the week is coming and going fast. I’ll have a Ms. Avalon update tomorrow but other than that not too much is going on. I’m also learning how to dougie.

By Tom Stortz|2010-07-08T00:58:59-04:00June 22nd, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

Vaca

So after some nice dental work on Friday, I begun my vacation. My tooth space was bleeding for about 5 hours after the work and my entire face was numb from 4 novacane shots but all in all I came out of it incredibly well. I was able to play softball on Saturday where our team got creamed. I use the analogy of an intramural bball team who brings their 5 best players to play the whole game, playing against a team of 9 guys where everyone has to play at least 2 quarters. After that I went to the shore where we are staying at a beautiful house on the bay in Avalon. We went to the Princeton on Sat night and I was under control the entire time which led to minimal amounts of fun but it was for the best. I discussed with Jkash that the problem with being pretty much sober at the bar is that you can identify the girls who are either too big or not pretty enough which leads to nothing, and the girls who are too hot, I’m too sober and can’t find the balls to make any moves. It’s quite the conundrum. It’s going to be something I have to get used to though because I’ve been feeling really good physically without much alcohol in my system.

I woke up on Sunday and went for a 5 mile run in the heat. Avalon is supposed to be cooler by a mile but in my estimation it feels hotter than hell. We went to the beach where we were ogling some 17 year old girls. No age was actually confirmed but Jkash overhead the one girl saying that she only goes out with older guys, “Bobby’s a senior, and Jimmy just graduated…” so we were pretty sure they were jail bait. I got burnt to a crisp at the beach because I didn’t put any suntan lotion on and I’m feeling the effects today. Mael and I met Evan at the Borgata later in the night to play some cards. It was my sole intention to not get hammered and just play poker. I probably had about 6 beers on the night and played 1-2 from about 10pm till 3am. I ended up 65 dollars to the plus side with very little variance. I play a really solid game and people tend to just stay away from me. Plus the fact that I’m not drinking gives me very little imagination at the table. We came back at 10am today and I went for another 5 mile run this morning. It really is amazing at what I can accomplish without drinking so much. We had another beach day and just for the bragging rights, I won the race to the boat and back which was probably a little under a half mile. Sam the Ursinus athlete got creamed by Tc the 26 year old aging alchy. I’m pretty pumped about the rest of the week as we have golf lined up one day this week and we are going to take Ms. Avalon out for a fishing trip. We are still o-fer for the trip of catching fish but I’m sure we will make this the year we catch something. Wagon and I got some bait and we casted a line in the bay and something ate the blood worm but our rod wasn’t reeling in and we are using a huge hook that is meant to catch marlins. I am determined to make it happen though. I also foresee another trip to the Borgata for some more card action but I have a ways to go before I even start to dent the beat down from my dental work. I say this sweet Hugo Boss suit that I said I would buy if I won 500 bucks. If I get it I will take a picture of how bad ass I will look. I might buy it anyway just to humor myself.

I’m not really sure how much I’ll post either. My brother has his laptop down here which is what I’m working from now but these are all pretty rudimentary events and I don’t really find them that exciting to write about. I’m still feeling really good though and I expect it to continue for a while. I have this entire week off and then the next entire week off in Ocean City, MD, followed by July 4th which I also plan on spending by the beach. This is going to be some serious sun and I’m loving every minute of it. I truly apologize if you are reading this at work because I am living so much better than you right now. I’m sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away, OHHHHHH, just sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time.
Hate Comments appreciated for my assholeness of uploading the pictures.

By Tom Stortz|2010-06-21T15:32:44-04:00June 21st, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

Overrated Celebs

I would like to think that I’m a pretty harsh critic and I 100% like dishing it out when I know that the person has comeback possible (in this case because I’m a meaningless spec on their radar). These people have all obtained celebrity status and are living the good life somewhere on an island they probably purchased. I’m here to write why they suck.

Cameron Diaz

Aside from the Mask, where she was actually sssssmokin, I can’t think of any films that I think she was good in. The only reason she was good in the Mask is because she had limited speaking parts and she was 22 at the time. Her fame cums from putting Ben Stillers jizz in her hair. When I look at that picture I think that she was just beamed down from a UFO and is doing her best to fit in. Charlie’s Angels was probably the worst series of movies I’ve never seen. Her best role ever was the voice of the Princess in Shrek and that’s just because she didn’t have to appear on screen. I have absolutely no desire to see her new movie with Tom Cruise even if the critics say it’s the best movie on the planet (i’m sure they won’t). I can’t even explain my disdain for her but I just find her completely overrated and overpaid.

Drew Barrymore

When I look at this picture all I see is a nice rack. Her face does absolutely nothing for me and this pose makes me want to vomit. What the hell is on her ass? It looks like a telephone pole with a falcon hugging it. She has this high, nasally, whiny voice that makes her sound like a 4 year old. Some of her shittier roles were The Wedding Singer where I’m completely wondering why Adam Sandler isn’t falling for Christine Taylor instead. In 50 first dates she was a ra-tard and I found myself wondering why would anyone want to waste their time with a 3 who can’t remember anything. Never Been Kissed seemed pretty much on point. Another whore from the lamented Charlie’s Angels series. I just can’t understand how she keeps pulling these big roles. She must give some amazing head to have made it in the industry this long with no good looks and a first name that’s a guys.

Justin Long

All these people seem to be related one way or another and I didn’t intentionally plan that. This guy gets me the most irritated out of all of them. For being such a weasly, whiny, loser and pulling some of the hottest ass out there is beyond me. Now I’m well aware that these are just the movies but they set this a-hole up with the most beautiful girls on the planet. Not surprising he can only pull Drew Barrymore in real life. If you’ve seen Accepted, you’d wonder how on earth he’s the love interest of Blake Lively. This pathetic wimp somehow landed a role in a Die Hard movie which is a complete oxymoron to the most manly of all men John McClaine. I’ve never seen Herbie but I assume he got to hook up with Lindsay Lohan pre-meltdown, which I might add she looked pretty awesome in Mean Girls back in the day. Being the smooth operator in He’s Just Not That Into You must have irked the directors because they probably had to retake every scene once they realized he’s a real putz. His best role was in dodge ball where he played a character like himself, a geek. The fact that this guy has made so much money makes me want to put my head in a garbage disposal.

David Spade

I want to start this by saying I thought he was absolutely perfect as a counter part to Chris Farley. The scenes in Tommy Boy have become classics by this point. He played the part perfectly as a poindexter who accepted the role as a supporting actor. So what happened. He was attacked by the same disease that got Justin Long, giant headitis. These guys get these huge egos because they played a good role in a movie one time and then all of a sudden they think they are superstars. Joe Dirt is such a piece of shit movie that it makes me cringe even to write it in this post. If you’ve seen it, the girl Brandy is one fine, fine piece of ass and she deserved an Oscar for her role in pretending to like this numnuts. Dickie Roberts was another terrible idea and an even worse idea to make this guy the lead. I honestly have never seen one episode of anything he’s ever done on TV but I can only imagine he plays someone who’s way cooler than he should be. He’s gone out with the likes of Heather Locklear (and absolute bombshell) and has a daughter with a Playboy Playmate!?! I guess money does make the world go round. I think what happens with me is that I see an actor play a type of role really well and I just always expect that guy to play that role again. I don’t want to see them branch out and put on a display of their exquisite acting expertise (they can’t).

If I took more time on this I’m sure I could find plenty of people to break down and explain why I think they are awful. Just to give some examples of some people who I actually think do a really good job and deserve everything – Jonah Hill ( I read a cool article about him in Rolling Stone), Leonardo DiCaprio (doesn’t make bad movies), and Bradley Cooper (as much as I want to hate him, I can’t find any reason to).

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:54:12-04:00June 17th, 2010|Celeb|1 Comment

Tc’s Theory of Understanding

My readership has been picking up as of late so I’m happy to see that my misfortune is found fascinating by the public. It reminds me of Don Henley’s song Dirty Laundry, “People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry.” I don’t really mean that because I’m the one whose playing around with the incident. The bottom line though is that this has become an expensive mistake. I take you back to 07′ at the Univ of Pitt when I faceplanted on a sidewalk and chipped by front two teeth. This was on a Friday and I spent that night and the next day drinking while I had two tiny little baby teeth up front. It wasn’t until Tuesday that I got them fixed and this was to a tune of 1,100 dollars. Spring ahead to what just happened recently and my dental bill was 600 and I found out today that an implant for the tooth I broke is 2,200. My insurance will cover some but in the end this was about a 3k mistake. So why am I telling you about how stupid and costly this was and why I’m perfectly fine with paying every dime.

I wrote in the last post that I don’t have a religious bone in my body. What I didn’t write was that I have a theory on why things happen as they do. Everyone always talks about fate and how things happen for a reason. I think most people would usually attribute a higher power to this because there really isn’t too much better of an explanation. I don’t really believe that it’s a god that does these things but it’s more like the game of life testing your character and trying to make you better for it. That’s why I wrote I’m perfectly fine paying this outrageous sum because I deserve it. Life tried to teach me 3 years ago by slapping me on the wrist for a k. Now 3 years later I’m still up to the same shenanigans and now it’s beating me over the head with 3k in damages. I would also say that this time was worse in the sense of physical damage as well. I’m being punished 3x worse because I didn’t learn my lesson the first time and this time life is hitting me harder hoping that the severity of what I’m doing to myself will kick in. I honestly need it and accept the fact. Bad things happen to people who get out of line and sometimes they need a rude awakening to let them know they have been wrong. At this point in time I feel like I have something to prove and hopefully will learn from this life lesson because if I don’t, life is going to hit with a 9 bagger and it’s not going to be pretty. I don’t want to know what it’s going to be but if my theory holds any validity (it probably doesn’t) I’m going to be in some serious shit. I can’t remember a time where I’ve felt more optimistic about moving forward then I do now. Bad things don’t usually happen to good people unless it’s some sort of freak accident. Bad things happen to bad people and they usually do it to themselves. I think it’s time for me to start trying to be good. I also want to point out that I know I’m not a bad person but I do stupid things that deserve to get me in trouble probably more often than they do. I honestly and one of the luckiest people I know. I’ve been through so many close calls and every time I get out fine. From my point of view, the futures so bright, I gotta wear shades. It’s a song by Timbuk 3.

I’ll post some before and after pictures once I fully heal.

By Tom Stortz|2010-07-08T00:59:59-04:00June 17th, 2010|My Brain|0 Comments

Blessing in disguise

It’s 1am and I’m having problems going to sleep so i thought I would write an entry. I think I’m on somewhat of a life high as of late. I know it seems counter-intuitive considering the mess I made of myself but the self realization that came along with it has me more optimistic lately than I’ve ever been. First off, I realized that all girls aren’t whores. On Saturday morning when I woke up with my face mangled, I had my friends looking after me and then Jill was nice enough to take multiple hours our of her life to drive me to the hospital and then sit there and wait for me while they re-attached my lip. Ck4 would have been out the door the first sign of a needle or a drop of blood. The genuine concern from the female gender was a bit different than what I’m used to. So this revelation that I can’t group all girls into the slut category is a step in the right direction despite what Jka$h (from his signature I was previously missing out on the Kesha $ sign) might think. I also think that I have a new found respect for alcohol. Now I know this comment will draw some “yeah rights”. The Sheee is very skeptical about this and thinks that I’m underplaying what happened but like I told him tonight, “just give me a chance and we’ll see if I can do a better job.” I’m not going to go as far as to say I’ve been reborn because I don’t have a religious bone in my body but I think I’m being offered another chance to make right. You can bring up countless times in my history where this feeling should have struck me before and I’m completely putting myself out there with this post but I’m going to talk the talk and by doing so, hopefully walk the walk. I really feel like I’m putting the pieces together from a personal sense and I think this has led me to do some soul searching within myself for what I should make of the opportunities presented to me.

This is going to be a difficult task these next two weeks as I have time off to do whatever I want and that usually leads to day drinking binges into the night and unreal stories. Just to give a few examples;

The brawl the Rock and I started (he started) by calling some girl a cunt and then we had 10 bros surrounding us looking to fight (the number increases by 1 each year) and we had some hero out of the blue say “it’s too late for pizza” (the rock offered pizza to the dbags as a symbol of piece (see what I did there)) and he created a huge distraction by knocking the pizza out of the rocks hands and then attacking our assaulter. The cops got there a minute later and broke it up while in the meantime the Rock and I escaped the brawl and went inside the pizza place to hit on the two 19 years olds inside.

The time at the Princeton when I gave Jeff my real ID and he tried to get in but they didn’t let him because we didn’t look enough alike and then 5 minutes later I tried to get in claiming that they had my ID. This brought major suspicion amongst the bouncers and they ended up calling the cops. The cops interrogated me asking me what happened and they were saying my brother stole my ID and they were asking me if I talked to him to which I famously replied “of course I talk to him, he’s my brother.” The Wagon was right by my side acting as my lawyer as he claimed. They were completely baffled because I was over 21 and ended up letting me go but not before they wanted to search Jeff’s friend when the Wagon interjected by asking the cop to show him his search warrant which sent him on their way.

I can’t remember if this was the same night as the above story but Jeff rode Nance’s bike into a grouping of trees while fleeing some 50. I think he ended up hiding in the bushes while I picked him up to a disgruntled po-po but this was obviously a no-no because everyone involved would have been in some trouble.

I honestly could go on with me getting booted from the house next door last year, the Wagon and the boys of summer will never die, I had a nosebleed at Jack’s place that lasted forever and it resulted in me running down the street kicking over trash cans, sadly none of these are ending in me getting my d wet but you get the point of what is about to take place.

Which leaves me here today feeling good and anticipating what is in store for the future. I know what is upcoming and I am prepared to make the best of it. I know what I’ve done in my past and I can only look forward. I do strive to be better and even though I know I’m all talk at this point, I intend to make good on these words.

By Tom Stortz|2010-07-08T01:00:09-04:00June 16th, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

Blood Test

Last time I went off bragging about myself I ended up in a bloody mess but, alas I will try again. The Sunday before my blood test I wound up drinking from 10am till 8pm without really eating a whole lot in between. They tell you to fast from 12am till the time you take it which was at 9 or so. I did the fasting part fine but I had some concern that the test might be a bit skewed. Nevertheless all my blood counts were normal. I had normal sugar levels, normal electrolytes, normal kidney tests, and get this NORMAL LIVER TESTS. Everyone single one fell into the range of a normal functioning liver. My high density lipoprotein (this is the good cholesterol: the higher the number the better; aerobic exercise can increase this) was 82 and a good number for a normal human is 40. I’m twice as good physically as a normal human. I actually came in with a low density lipoprotein (this is the bad cholesterol: the lower the number the better; this is the type that deposits in the blood vessel walls; decreasing saturated fats or medication can decrease this) of 106 and it says <100 is a good number meaning that my diet is too fatty and I should probably decreases the fats and increase the fruits and veggies. Unbelievably though I'm a healthy human being. I may be stupid but at least I'm stupid and healthy. I'm actually in really good spirits for what has transpired and I'm maintaining a positive attitude through the next weeks.

By Tom Stortz|2010-07-08T01:00:18-04:00June 15th, 2010|My Life|0 Comments