We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Typing Ability

I notice people who have jobs that involve using a keyboard and I shake my head at how awful some people type. Typing is not an optional skill to have, it’s a requirement. Typing allows you to produce a hard copy of your ideas. Using the number pad effectively separates dolts from accountants. Someone who can type at 100 words a minute compared to someone who types at 50 should constitute the difference of thousands of dollars of pay. The person who can type quickly and efficiently doesn’t waste their time typing. They can spend their time on more productive tasks. If you don’t use the home row to type, you aren’t an efficient typist. There are not many greater skills to have in this day in age compared to typing. I wouldn’t hire someone if they were slow at typing because the aggravation of them wasting time typing would drive me mad.

I took this test to give you an idea of my typing ability. I did it one time and I don’t think the idea is to perfect the test. It’s to get a general idea of how proficient you are. If you fall below 300 KPM, get help. Post your fastest KPM and I’ll dedicate a post in your honor.

Keystrokes Per Minute (KPM): 460
Words Per Minute (WPM): 92
Time (seconds): 90
Errors: 37 (5.36%)
Your average speed is 460 KPM.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:24:57-04:00April 13th, 2013|My Brain|3 Comments

Biden Chinces Charity

Daily Finance – The Bidens also filed a joint federal tax return, as well as a combined Delaware income tax return. In addition, Dr. Biden filed a separate non-resident Virginia tax return. The Vice President and his wife reported adjusted gross income of $385,072 and paid $87,851 in federal tax. They also paid $13,531 and $3,593 in state income tax to Delaware and Virginia, respectively, and gave $7,190 to charity.

This is the Vice President of the US, his gross income is nearing 400k, he is given practically everything, and all he can afford to give to charity is $7,190!!!!! He is supposed to be setting an example with this number. If I were to sit down with Biden I’m sure there are plenty of reasons (excuses) for why this number is the way it is but don’t you think that out of all the smart people surrounding him that they might consider what the public would think about this lowly number? I have to imagine that this number is low because he compensates it with how much money he raises for other organizations. Nevertheless, if Biden can only give 1.8% of his gross income away, I don’t feel so bad with what I gave.

By Tom Stortz|2013-04-13T07:27:53-04:00April 13th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

Origins of Sports Titles

I was watching the Masters today and the leaderboard had about 4 Americans out of the top 7. This got me thinking, why are 3 of the 4 majors hosted in the United States, why are mostly Americans on the leaderboard, and when did this start? It was only in 1776 that the US declared independence and now our sports leagues and athletes hold extreme clout worldwide. With this post I’ve decided to research when a few esteemed events began and how they’ve evolved throughout time.

The Masters – 1934

A golf tournament tradition since 34′ always held at Augusta National Golf Club. This tournament differs from other majors because it is invitation only. The field is usually around 90 players and includes several amateurs. This year, 2013, 14 year old Guan Tianlang was the youngest player to ever make the cut in history. Known for the green jacket delivered to its champion, the winner becomes an honorary member of Augusta. Past Master’s champions are also invited to the other majors for the next 5 years and have a lifetime invitation to the Masters. Nicklaus holds the record with 6 Masters titles but Woods is close behind with 4. Someone from the US has been a winner 8 of the last 12 years.

Wimbledon – 1877

Wimbledon is the oldest tennis tournament in the world, and widely considered to be the biggest and the most prestigious. It has been held at the All England Club in Wimbledon, London since 1877. Wimbledon traditions include a strict dress code for competitors (all white), the eating of strawberries and cream by the spectators, and Royal patronage. In the championship games, ball boys and girls, known as BBGs, play a crucial role in the smooth running of the tournament, with a brief that a good BBG “should not be seen”. They should blend into the background and get on with their jobs quietly. Sampras and Federer both have 7 Wimbledon titles setting the high mark. Martina Navratilova holds 9 for the women.

World Cup – 1930

The current format of the tournament involves 32 teams competing for the title at venues within the host nations over a period of about a month; this phase is often called the World Cup Finals. The 19 World Cup tournaments have been won by eight different national teams. Brazil have won five times, and they are the only team to have played in every tournament. The other World Cup winners are Italy, with four titles; Germany, with three titles; Argentina and inaugural winners Uruguay, with two titles each; and England, France, and Spain, with one title each. Let’s note the US has 0. The World Cup is the world’s most widely viewed sporting event; an estimated 715.1 million people watched the final match of the 2006 FIFA World Cup held in Germany.

World Series – 1903

The winner of the World Series championship is determined through a best-of-seven playoff and the winning team is awarded the Commissioner’s Trophy. As the series is played in October, which falls during autumn in North America, MLB also refers to it as the Fall Classic. The New York Yankees purchased Babe Ruth from the Boston Red Sox after the 1919 season, appeared in their first World Series two years later in 1921, and became frequent participants thereafter. Over a period of 45 years from 1920 to 1964, the Yankees played in 29 World Series championships, winning 20. The Cardinals are the next closet team with 11 World Series wins.

By Tom Stortz|2013-04-13T07:31:54-04:00April 12th, 2013|Sports|0 Comments

Lingerie Football Coach Tirade

I always credit barstool when I find a story by them just so you know I don’t steal anything without telling you. I liked this because the actual story was that it was wrong of him to ask if the girls were “fucking retarded”. I think we can all agree that this guy deserves accolades for caring enough about the LFL (Legends Football League) to get this psyched. You have to watch the full video to get the understanding of why he’s so angry. With 4 ticks left the “bitch” (hilarious terminology by the coach) chucks one deep in the end zone to a wide open receiver for a last second score. I fully expected to girls to start crying just like a League of Their Own but I guess there is no crying in Lingerie Football. I do believe this video has a bigger purpose though than calling girls retarded which is the given in any proof. I also know some girls probably read this and have to have a little sense of humor about this post.

When a coach takes this much of an attitude over a play like this in a league as unknown as the LFL, it only brings a competitive edge to the league which is needed for any sport to be taken seriously. Isn’t this why football reigns supreme and 13,000 fans show up to see the Marlins? With only 16 games in the regular season, the players (at least most of them) give it their utmost every single week. A baseball season has 162 games and you can skirt by at 80% without anyone saying a word. This is why, at least for me, I will always prefer football or college basketball over everything else. I even started to like rugby and soccer a bit because there is an intensity about the game. I promise you that when these girls started the 3rd quarter, they had a fire lit under their behinds. *FYI — Coach Michaelson’s offensive speech seemed to work … because the Mist dominated the Chill in the 2nd half to win the game 55-36. *Laura Creel looks nice to me as a further reason to watch the LFL.

What this maniac did in the locker room is far superior than any other way to handle a bumbling team. It makes fans care about what’s going on because they know the coach cares. It’s not an original thought that when management cares about their product, not only will the players play harder but the fans will care. It’s why Philly can’t stand the Sixers. They dicked us on Bynum and we won’t forget it quickly. Chris Michaelson should be commended, not punished. He called his girls retarded, big deal. There’s the right way to handle situations and then there is this guy’s in your face approach. He got results from this tirade and I think it’s important to note how someone like me felt compelled to re-tell this story because I think there’s a message behind it. Does this work all the time? Did Mike Rice get the same results? I’m not sure this works 100% of the time but I do believe it’s a better than an apathetic approach.

By Tom Stortz|2013-04-12T18:10:10-04:00April 12th, 2013|Sports|0 Comments

I’m a Real Boy!

I was away on business the last two days and haven’t had time to post. Things should be back to normal come the weekend. Sorry for the lack of material but things will start flowing shortly.

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-03T15:33:29-04:00April 11th, 2013|Videos|0 Comments

Don’t Get Scroogled!

Today was the first time I’ve ever come across the don’t get scroogled. What a great job by the marketing department to incorporate screwing in Google without it looking too off handed. Apparently Microsoft will keep up the campaign for a while which if I were them, makes a lot of sense. I think their real problem is that no one uses bing and even if they are getting “scroogled”, people won’t stop using Google. I personally am happy that google doesn’t give fair searches on Google Shopping because our company uses Google Adwords. No real point to this post other than a huge company attacking another huge company which makes me happy. It’s pretty much smart people going after smart people. I’m hoping Google comes back with something along the lines of “not staying hard, go soft.”

By Tom Stortz|2013-04-09T11:25:47-04:00April 9th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

I’ll Have Another Round

This was a pretty fun weekend. Ck4 came down on Friday afternoon to hang out because he had to catch a plane on Saturday morning and we are close to the airport. We taxied to Xfinity Live to watch the Phillies home opener. We met up with some people and it was an enjoyable experience. I will add that after securing a table after a ballgame, it was a bad idea to get up and leave because there is no returning. The night was fairly standard with us going out in Philly although sending CK4 to the Stortz building without the alarm code was moronic by me. Alcohol and planning don’t go together.

I woke up on Saturday feeling pretty out of it. Jeff and a few others were looking to play basketball at noon which was too early and I passed on that opportunity. The rest of the day was spent playing N64 and watching the basketball games with Shee and Evan. Jkash spent the night and I’m sure he’ll read this with approval because the only time he says I write a good entry is when his name appears. I woke up on Sunday and drove him back and slept for 2 more hours until Jeff and Steve got back. Pat showed up later and we were preparing for our golf round which proved to be the highlight of the weekend.

Jeff booked a tee time for 3:09 at Riverwinds which is only 20 minutes away from where we live and probably the nearest, best, public course. None of us had hit a golf ball this season so we wanted to arrive early and shag a few balls. There was no driving range so we hit a few balls into a net and wearily made out way to the first tee box. The wind was pretty severe and the first hole is a long par 5 that was intimidating to say the least. I rocketed one down the middle, Pat shanked one left, Steve hit a missile which shocked everyone, and Jeff duck hooked one in the drink. I think we were all pretty pleased for at least making contact. The odd thing about the day is that neither Jeff or Steve had eaten anything all day and I only had a bowl of chicken noodle soup. The cart girl ran out of hot dogs and we didn’t see her for the entire round. Even with everyone not feeling great physically, we trudged through the round and had a good time. By 18 we were complete spent and eagerly anticipated a luxurious meal at the Riverwinds restaurant. We were a bit out of place in the restaurant but it hit the spot and that concluded our Sunday.

I know most people don’t care but here is my review of The Riverwinds course. First of all, it didn’t look like this which was to be expected in early April.

The course was really dry when we played and the wind was absolutely noticeable. We played from the whites and I found it to be relatively short under the conditions. I was going driver, high iron most of the time into the greens but from the blues I’m sure this would be different. I hit the ball pretty good all day but even my bad drives were making it able to get the green in regulation. The greens were slick but ran true. I putted extremely well for the first round out and only gave away 2 strokes on short putts. I lost a total of 3 balls which should give some indication of how open the course is. Hole 17 is a tricky little hole that was marked at 115. It is downhill and the wind was really gusting in our face. I assumed the downhill would compensate for the wind so I hit my sand wedge and it popped up in the air and probably went a total of 60 yards plopping into the shit. I think this course would be much nicer once it flushes out because the ball was rolling like crazy in this condition. All in all I think the course played well. I’d give it a 7 out of 10.

By Tom Stortz|2013-04-09T11:26:13-04:00April 8th, 2013|Golf Course Reviews|0 Comments

The Twitter Problem

Brookes showed me this video and I’m well aware it’s a joke, but this is 100% the truth.

Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

I’ve had my link on this blog to Facebook and Twitter for well over a year now and not 1 person has either become my friend or followed me on Twitter from it. I still have 30 followers on Twitter and haven’t added a friend since the T-rex roamed the Earth. I’ve mentioned before but people are going to stop caring about Facebook. They’ve gotten so desperate that they have created a Facebook home for mobile which the laggards to technology might like. Mobile is going to be the next tech word if it isn’t already (or has been for years). I personally enjoy viewing Twitter from my phone and love the idea that I can tweet to my followers instantly but if only 30 people are reading it, I have much less incentive. So unless I go whoring myself out, which I refuse to do, I don’t see how I can become more popular on Twitter. I suppose I need to create funny or interesting tweets that people retweet but that requires thinking. Notice I’m whining without trying. Even with video hits of Sad Dog Face and the Arrested Development clip which will bring in more viewers than anything I’ve ever posted before, I’m still swimming in the abyss. Popularity comes with a price, but so does the alternative.

By Tom Stortz|2013-04-05T14:18:38-04:00April 5th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

Words to Use

Ultra – going beyond others or beyond due limit : extreme. A rare word that should be substituted for extreme. Powerthirst (worth the 2 minutes for the bear blasting) would be an example of an ultra energy drink. An ultra marathon is anything over a marathon, usually 50 or 100 miles. Ultravox (vox is latin for voice) is a band that is mostly synth and has a futuristic sound. Ultra HD is marketing-speak for 4K or 8K resolution TVs. Ultrapure water refers to water with high purity that has been made as close as possible to H2O by integrating all elemental technologies for water purification. Ultraviolet (UV) light is electromagnetic radiation with a wavelength shorter than that of visible light.

Tight – I find myself using this word more and more. Not usually to describe a lid being on too tight but if I’m finished everything and there is nothing else to do, things are tight. Or what’s your relationship with this person, we’re tight. You want to have a tight butthole (definitely worth watching if you’re a noob). If I told a girl I had a huge scholong and she came back to my room to see… I’d be in a tight spot (tight not meaning good…but without much wiggle room). Those pants are tight! Tight not tight. Plus the word is spelled and pronounced really funny when you look at it.

Neat – An incredible word to mean more than tidy. This definition “marked by ingenuity and skill; adroit” makes this a great adjective to describe other people’s work. If someone wants your opinion on something, say it’s neat. You are saying they are smart when you use neat and people eat it up. We all know (* I know) that when you order drinks “neat” that you are getting them without ice. Plus don’t forget to add the “o” to the end and turn things into NEAT-O!

Brutal – You don’t hear this word much anymore but brutal means ruthless or cruel. Beatings can be brutal. Blowouts in sports can be brutal. Anything that is bad can be brutal. Of course there were also Brutality’s from the Mortal Kombat Series. Police brutality hits the news quite often. Finally, we can’t forget Brutus the Barber Beefcake.

Tweak – Copying from Barstool but Kevin Ware tweaked his ankle. Or you did too much coke and now your really tweaking. Or I need to tweak with a naked lady (or man for Gourlay’s sake) so somebody actually reads this last line.

By Tom Stortz|2013-04-05T12:08:25-04:00April 4th, 2013|My Brain|1 Comment

The Good Old Days

I’m hoping that some people out there found the videos below to be pretty entertaining. I think the idea of recording your kids is such a stupid idea in the present, but an amazing one 25 years later. First I have to give my dad credit for having the foresight of transferring the tapes to DVD’s so that I had the ability to upload them to YouTube. I have to imagine I’m in the 1% of the population who has childhood tapes from the 90’s on YouTube.

What really excites me the most is that I can see how I was as a child. My mind’s interpretation of how I acted like a kid was way different than I actually was as a kid. I remember swishing 3’s, fielding ground balls, scoring goals, and basically being a boss. When my 30 year old self (I’m actually 29 but I don’t see any reason to not say I’m 30, I’ve already prepared myself mentally) looks back I can see I was just a little schmagwap. And I was one of the better athletes! Just imagine how all the other kids turned out. It’s hilarious when I’m rooting for myself to score baskets and I’m chucking up airballs. You don’t perceive yourself like that but when someone documents it and you can look back on it years later, it’s a real eye opener. It almost gives me more insight to who I’ve become as a person. How I acted then and how I was comparatively to other little kids, it’s just more info that helps me grow as a person. I have to believe most families in the 90’s didn’t own a camcorder and certainly didn’t turn them into DVD’s. Most people can’t share with everyone else what life was like back then. Who would have known Jeff was getting owned by Laura when he was 4 (by far my favorite video)!

Most people are always trying to move forward and not remembering the past. I usually try to be this way because you can never change what has already happened. However, when footage like this comes back in front of you, its hard not to be effected by it. What kind of a kid you were (from my generation) is usually not readily available. I’m sure people who have only known me in the past 10 years think what a cute kid I was and how did I possibly become an immature alcoholic with odd music taste. This will be the last I post about the old days and remembering things so enjoy it while it lasted because this will just be another memory.

By Tom Stortz|2013-04-04T16:12:56-04:00April 4th, 2013|Childhood|0 Comments