So I haven’t really been feeling like I’m on top of the world and this blog is a good place to write my thoughts. Today I had one of the weirdest physical sensations come over me. After viewing my stock ticker and seeing that the TVIX is up to 100, I started getting light headed. This is a volatility play that I recommended at 20 or so 3 months ago (can’t seem to find the documentation) and I actually bought about 7,000 dollars of this at one point. I sold it at around 28. This would have netted me about 25k if I just would have held on to it but like the title suggests, I zagged. I know Chad reads this too and I want to point out that you showing me what this ticker on a regular basis isn’t exactly one of my finer subjects. Now, I can’t really explain it but I started feeling physically ill. I think I came down with a case of ADD where I wasn’t able to pay attention to anything. I was walking around with an IQ level of 50 and feeling like a complete moron. I was bumping into things and crossing the street without looking both ways, I was literally in la-la land. I was trying to think if this could have been a leftover effect from something I did but aside from a coffee earlier in the day, there was nothing. I basically felt like the slow kid in class and if I had to live my life like this consistently, I’d be in trouble. I was concerned that I permanently got stupider.

Fortunately, I went to sleep when I got home and I feel better now. Believe it or not, watching the show Dexter helped me through this. In his monologue he was saying how he endured even his darkest times to get to how wonderful he was feeling today. That sort of helped in the sense that life isn’t always easy and there will be tough patches. This period of time just seems really difficult. The market has been crazy, business isn’t great, there is just an overall sentiment of doom and gloom and I sort of feel like I’m unable to capitalize on anything of any consequence. Basically, everything is just happening with no meaning. And the worst part it, there is really nothing wrong. I’m physically fine and can’t think of one major problem with my entire life. There is no reason I should be feeling down but I feel like I’m just unable to really get a head. The TVIX was just an example of something that I’m able to foresee but unable to capitalize on. It’s zigging when I should be zagging. What that does is just turn you into a boring straight line if you stop zigging or zagging. It’s like the Office Space sentiment “We weren’t meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.” There has got to be an easier way.

So I was writing down a bunch of potential topic ideas on a receipt with a golf pencil in my car while trying to drive at the same time and not honk the horn and not crash. I don’t know where the commas go in that sentence so I’ll just omit them all. Or is that emit. Anyway, I lost the receipt and will have to come up with these ideas from the top of my head.

The main character of war movies never seem to get killed by random henchmen. I’m reading Game of Thrones and they have these huge battle scenes where are the main characters are fighting and with thousands of people fighting at the same time, they seem invincible to everyone but another main character. Omar getting killed by the little boy in the Wire is an exclusion to this even though it wasn’t a wild battle scene. My point is that it would seem easy to sneak up on a main character when he’s distracted and maybe stab him with a long spear in the back.

A raccoon corpse looking huge in the middle of the road gave me this one. This raccoon was huge, like 3 feet or so. I started thinking how big it looked and that made me think of how big other animals would look. That then made me think of how a human corpse would look. Considering I’m 6ft, I think it would look really big.

Forgetting something you tell yourself to remember. This happens to me all the time when I’m driving. A specific example, I’ll have gone on a run earlier in the day and will want to see how long it is by tracking the distance in the car. So I’ll get to the starting point and will remember the mile marker on the dash. I’ll start watching it being like, that’s a half mile, 1 mile, then I just start thinking about something else. By the time I park the car, I’ve completely forgot that I was even keeping track of the miles. This also happens with blog topics. I’ll think of one and be like, “Don’t forget this, just remember to not forget it.” Two minutes later I can’t remember what it was and feel like a tard.

I had other ones but I forgot them.

So I’ve finally stumbled on to a subject that I think is worthwhile to write about. I went to the gym for the first time since running season has officially ended for me. When it’s nice out, I stop going to the gym and just stay in shape by running outside. After the distance run, I start going to the gym and lifting weights to get stronger. It’s nice because it breaks up the monotony of running. Anyway, my arm strength is extremely weak and I’m weighing in at 178. My ideal weight would be closer to 170. I just got really sidetracked but I felt the need to preface this post with the notion that working out can spur ideas because it generally makes you feel better. Plus I need some filler because my idea for this post is really just one thought that I have to turn into an entry.

This paragraph should have started this entry. My brother Jeff is taking a one way flight to New Zealand on October 2nd. He will be traveling there for a year with his girlfriend Nicole. I’ve added the link to their blog (that they haven’t started updating) in my blogroll for future reference. It should be quite an experience and I’m sure there will be tons of good stories. Their blog will focus on their trip but this entry will focus on the title of this post. I won’t get to see Jeff for an entire year. He graduated college over 2 years ago and I just take for granted that we could have hung out whenever we wanted. It’s going to be difficult to hang out when he’s in New Zealand. It makes me wonder why we didn’t hang out more when we had the chance. This isn’t saying that we never see each other because we do. It’s the realization that people come and go and you have to MAKE the time to spend together. I think this is where I didn’t try hard enough. A good way to spend time with someone is to have a weekly routine. Something that’s the same thing every week. When The Rock lived at home, we used to go to trivia every Tuesday night at the same time. This kept our friendship close and it’s how you strengthen relationships. I regret not doing this with my Bro because there was no reason not to. Most of these nights I’m sitting here reading a book or watching TV instead of missing out on the opportunity to hang out with my brother who I won’t see for a year. I’m sure it happens to everyone and it’s really just the way of life.

I also want to mention that I’m not sad that Jeff is going away and I’m not going to miss him. I don’t feel that way about people. He’s doing his own thing and as long as he’s happy, I’m happy for him. But I’m not going to cry when he boards his plane and I won’t see him again for a year. I know that seems sort of cold I’m not really sure what the proper emotion is. There is nothing with his situation that should make me feel sad that he’s leaving. He’s going to a foreign land and will spend a year doing awesome things and having fun. He should be crying for me because I’m stuck in PA. I know my mom will be bawling when he goes. The only thing I’m sad about is looking back on all those days and not spending more time together. That’s what bothers me more than not seeing him for a year, missing the opportunity when it was there.