We Don't Walk Slow

Concrete Laws of the World

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law– As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:28:49-04:00February 13th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

I’m Glad I’ll Probably Be Dead Before 2084

When I was in high school, which was mostly during the late 90’s, for whatever reason rather than have us read books like 1984, we had to read The Joy Luck Club. Seriously. Not hating on mahjong or Chinese culture, but I personally felt like there were probably better books for us to read. But I digress.

Now all these years later I’m finally reading 1984 and I’m almost finished with it. As I near the end, I can’t help but notice the similarities to the terrifying dystopian world Orwell vividly painted. I lament on what the future may have in store for us, say, 100 years after the year he had his book take place: 2084.

We don’t have “telescreens” in our walls that are required to be kept on at all times which can monitor us at every waking moment, but it’s drawing near (It’s only 2013 and here’s a what Sony already has to offer: Intelligent Presence Sensor). For some reason people feel compelled to glue themselves to their TV’s to watch crap like Honey Boo Boo and 16 and Pregnant rather than read a book like 1984 (hell, most kids have probably never even heard of the book at this point). I really can’t even believe shows like that are even allowed to exist, for shame society, for shame. When Survivor first came out, I prayed (and the only God I worship is me) that reality TV wouldn’t last. But much to my chagrin, it’s pretty much only damn thing on TV these days.

We’re living in an Orwellian world whether we choose to recognize it or not. In fact, some things even Orwell didn’t foresee: drones for the purpose of both killing and spying, weather modification (yep, bet you didn’t know that), and of course the internet, just to name a few. If the world we live in today already has this type of technology, I fear what it will have by 2084. In fact we don’t even need to look beyond these next few upcoming years to get a glimpse:

Imagine a stay-at-home mother who lives in a state where pot is still illegal. She just had a long morning preparing the kids for school and dealing with the family bills so she decides to unwind in the backyard by lighting up a lil’ fatty. But what’s that in the distance? It’s a spy drone that just flew by about 30 feet above her yard. Was this a trespass, since up to a point, the air space above your property is also considered part of your property? Will it matter when the drone reports instant feedback to the cops about her “criminal” activity? It will be both interesting and likely demoralizing to one day find this out.

Our privacy is quickly fading. President Obama just signed an Executive Order for cyber crimes, making it that much easier for Big Brother to spy on you. The drones are next. Chris Dorner, the former cop who has been on the loose since last Wednesday, who had reportedly been burned to death in a cabin yesterday (it is yet to be confirmed as of this publication). So he became and I guess still is the first US citizen, on US soil, who has been authorized to be killed by a drone. Think about it: no due process, which is to say, no trial, something every US citizen is supposedly afforded thanks to the US Constitution. While we’re on the subject, there’s also the immensely powerful and imposing NDAA, which allows for INDEFINITE DETENTION, once again without due process, for anyone “suspected of terrorism.” Let’s play the what-if game again:

Imagine a teenager is hanging out with his friends in his neighborhood. They’re just shootin’ the shit outside, and our little buddy says he thinks the newest President is a “douche” and he wishes aloud “if only there was a way to get rid of him/her.” But what was that up in the sky? Why of course another spy drone; and although he did not see or hear it, it heard him. Perhaps he only meant he wished there was a way to impeach the President or somehow kick him/her out of office. Remember, he’s only a teenager. But, the drone heard: “This new President is a douche and I wish there was a way to get rid of him/her.” Two minutes later, a van pulls up, the Thought-Police snatch up our dear little buddy and he is gone, never to be heard from again. He never had a fighting chance in hell because he never got a trial to defend himself.

Just imagine, this is only the beginning and this all could be possible within the next 5-10 years, maybe sooner. Now imagine what our ever increasing police state could look like in another 71 years! I shudder just thinking about it; and that is why I hope I die before turning 101, because I don’t want to live to see that day.

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-01T23:23:12-04:00February 13th, 2013|My Brain|2 Comments

The City Of Brotherly Fuck You

The city of Philadelphia isn’t here to win friends. This city will rape your children, eat your food, spend your money and tell you that it is only raising taxes 1% this year. My gripes are probably minor but considering I work and live directly in the city, I feel all the effects of some of their bogus practices like the Water Revenue Department and PPA. A few other oddball questions pertain to the barely used Convention Center and who is getting rich off of the newly built stadiums paid for by the taxpayers? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to be in any other city in the world but the citizens can only take so much before they revolt.

Let’s start with the Water Revenue Department. Our family has owned the same buildings in the city for over 150 years. There are 6 buildings that all occupy seemingly one building. However, according the the Water REVENUE Department, each building needs to be charged a storm water charge. A storm water charge is basically your sewer and they tax you by the building area. Each building gets a stormwater charge of 14 dollars a month. 14 x 6 = 84 x 12 months = $1008 a year. That isn’t even the water bill, just to pay for the use of a sewer. Oh and let’s not forget this little nugget, “To lessen the burden on customers who will see an increase in their bill, we are phasing in the new charge over a period of four years. Well isn’t that thoughtful! Our bill was 4 dollars a month for one building 4 years ago.

The PPA is so notorious they made a show about it called Parking Wars. An incident I saw today actually sparked this post. A man whose truck was too big to fit in a completely active and crowded parking lot parked along side the road to make a delivery of soda. While inside, a PPA agent cited him for being their for under 1 minute in a no park zone. The guy threw a fit when he came out and saw this a-hole speed writing him up to avoid confrontation. This city should be trying to promote commerce, not penalizing it. Our UPS driver routinely gets 5 tickets a day from the PPA. I wouldn’t park anywhere “for a few minutes” because there are 100 minions roaming the streets at all times. Let’s of course not forget the routine process where members of the traffic court give preferential treatment to their friends on a regular basis. It’s nice to see them being indicted.

I think we can all agree that Mayor Nutter has a much better reputation than the corrupt John Street. I do wonder though what the 700 million dollar expansion of the convention center did. I live in the city and rarely ever see anything other than the Auto show and Flower show being held there. I certainly don’t feel huge traffic from whatever shows are happening making me think nothing is. The convention center also feels sort of wasted. I suppose when tourists come it’s something to see but where are the fun things to do other than learn? Our stadium area is great but big businesses are profiting from that. I think the city needs to invest in something that people actually want to go to like a huge ass roller-coaster.

Just so I’m not completely bashing this city let’s jut make a list of things we’re known for and that are awesome: unruly sports fans, Reading Terminal Market, Love Park, Franklin Institute, Art and Barnes Museum, Xfinity Live, Kelly Drive, the Kimmel Center, Betsy Ross House, Broad St Run, Wing Bowl, John’s Roast Pork, Made in America last year, Rittenhouse, Philly Zoo, Sugarhouse and Camden Aquarium (ha).

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-12T23:08:53-05:00February 12th, 2013|My Brain|2 Comments

Men Are From Mars

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-12T09:12:55-05:00February 12th, 2013|My Life|1 Comment

A Competitive World With Few People

I had watched seasons 1 & 2 of the Walking Dead a few months ago on Netflix and yesterday was my first chance to DVR season 3. I didn’t get completely caught up but finished 6 of the first 8 episodes of the first half of season 3. For anyone who hasn’t seen the show, you aren’t going to be out of the loop on this entry as it will pertain to something completely hypothetical. After the zombies had decimated the human population, there is a small “town” run by the governor with a population of what I thought they said was 73. In one scene with the governor, they showed him hitting golf balls off of a mat into nothing. This got me thinking, would I still want to compete in various sports if there was no one to compete against? Is the only reason I like doing activities for the thrill of competition? This in no way coincides with the governor hitting golf balls as I assume he was just relaxing rather than trying to lower his handicap.

The great thing about this world is that there is almost always someone better at something than you are. It sort of goes hand in hand with the idea that it’s difficult to come up with an original thought anymore. There’s no possible way I’d enjoy playing golf as much if there were only 73 people in the population. I’d still love the game but without the idea that there are people out there better than you, the drive for competing is minimal. Which is somewhat funny because I don’t consider myself a hyper competitive person. Don’t get me wrong, I like to win, but I also can accept losing. I’m not built like MJ who could never be satisfied with losing. The main idea behind this post is that people push other people to succeed. You see it all the time with teammates pushing other teammates to reach goals they never would have before. If you eliminate people, you eliminate competition, and thus reduce results.

Just to come full circle with the popularity of the Walking Dead, it aired to another Series-high rating. Sunday night’s midseason return of the AMC zombie drama delivered 12.3 million viewers and a 6.1 adults 18-49 rating — its biggest yet in both measurements. I was a late bloomer to the show but I’ve always found it easier to watch series in one continuous motion opposed to a week to week basis. Plus I get to read reviews on whether it is worth watching or a waste of time. The show isn’t great, but it’s different good.

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-11T21:53:04-05:00February 11th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

Katy Perry’s Cleavage Green Dress at the Grammy’s

How great is this dress? Especially when the Grammy’s were asking to hide some skin and keep the affair as PG as possible, Katy busts out with a skin tight, cleavage baring, show stopping dress. I hardly watched any of the Grammy’s but when the camera panned the crowd she stood out like a firework. I was wide awake any time she appeared on screen almost like she was a part of me. Enough displaying my teen girl knowledge of Katy’s catalog. I think she blows away all female starlet competition with her bazookas. I still can’t figure out her man situation. Russell Brand is an English womanizer who liked to have wheelchair sex with her and John Mayer is such a sweet sounding Nancy that it just isn’t going to work out. She needs a normal guy who can run 6 minute miles and feed off of her success. After viewing this picture, I’m pretty sure it’s clear where to vote on the poll to the right.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:24:08-04:00February 11th, 2013|Boobs|1 Comment

People Helping People

Unlike the individualistic Howard Roark from Ayn Rand’s the Fountainhead, people need the help of other people to succeed. I’m obviously commenting on the post that was written below by one of my friends who I grew up with. I’ve been maintaining this blog for 3+ years now and have never taken a real leap into what I would consider a successful blog. With that thought in mind I decided to do something different and ask someone who I thought could aid me in this goal of success. There are certainly advantages to seeking out help and why it seems to me an important step in the right direction.

The first thing adding someone new does is it expands the audience. Instead of reaching only the people I know, the blog reaches people we know. More eyes on this website lead to more potential opportunity. Another crucial element is the addition of maintaining high standards. As the sole owner, I can do whatever I please with no one telling me how to run the site. With someone else involved I have a newly added responsibility to not slack off and make sure my posts are to the best of my ability. The other obvious addition is the material. A new mind creating work gives my readers a break from my same old thought process that I’m sure you’ve all grown bored of by now. Plus more content means that readers will check in more often. More people = more content. A final note, RedRocket promotes my blog over these past two days more than I ever would.

With all of these benefits being offered, I hope to give a clear understanding of the power of people helping people. Of course with more people involved, it leads to more managing. I do believe though that I’d be a way better manager than writer. I was terrible in English class throughout school and my verbal SATS were a joke. My only attribute is observing and thinking of ideas and getting them down on wordpress. Guest authors would be phenomenal and help grow this site. Obviously I can’t offer much but I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not doing this for financial gain. I wanted to use this post to express my gratitude for my buddy to take his own personal time and write an entry that I thought was a particularly worthwhile read. I hope you all enjoyed it too and that we can use this synergy as an example of what can be achieved when people work together. Also calling out anyone who wants to write something and utilize the guest author widget that took me an hour to figure out how to use properly.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T02:58:23-04:00February 10th, 2013|My Life|0 Comments

Breaking Tubes Off a Trampoline – World Record Attempt

Start by watching the video and then you can understand where this criticism comes from. I have multiple questions. How is this being authorized by the Guinness Book of World Records as a world record? How is this woman the competitor? How does she shatter (pun) the record by 5 tubes? How does the organization allow this to be shown on television without realizing that it makes a complete mockery of their world records?

I remember being in elementary school and being fascinated by the Guinness Book of World Records. Tallest and shortest, skinniest and fattest, slowest and fastest were all substantiated records. Even whacky things like longest fingernails, most tattooed woman, and biggest bagel at least have an understandable target. The above clip is stupid. The record makes absolutely no sense. Who is jumping off trampolines and breaking bulbs? How about highest jump off a trampoline for the record? WHY ON EARTH IS THIS WOMAN THE COMPETITOR? Who was the non-athletic loser before her who set the record at 15? You’d really think that Guinness would be asking themselves these questions before they let this air.

Unless I’m missing their goal which may be to make more common people think they can break their records, I would think this would dumb down the brand Guinness and it makes me think like any twerp can set a record. I believe it’s important to maintain a high degree of integrity when you are establishing so called “world records”. This does not hold true for the breaking tubes off of a trampoline. Can anyone else tell me how lousy that jump was? Classic scream at the end.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T02:58:29-04:00February 10th, 2013|Tv|1 Comment

Blogging From My Soapbox

As I left my apartment for work this morning, I thought I kept feeling the familiar buzzing sensation against my left quadriceps (yes, I’m a lefty), as if my phone were going off in my pocket, although it wasn’t. All the while and simultaneously, I found myself wondering: why don’t people pay more attention to their surroundings anymore? The answer of course was obvious, as my phone, or really my quadriceps, was steering me to the answer before it was even asked.

Years ago, when the Blackberry was still popular, I read an article in which it discussed people who tend to feel like their phone is going off in their pocket even when it is not, or perhaps not even in their pocket at all. To me this is nothing short of addiction, and I would be remiss to classify it as anything but. This is because we’re too hardwired into our electronic devices and now the social media aspects of them as well.

Because of this addiction, we seem to pay far less attention to the world that’s around us and our surrounding reality. I see people staring at their phones while driving on a daily basis, for example. People are more concerned with their status updates on Twitter or Facebook, which maybe 10 of their hundreds of real-life friends will even see or read. And on Twitter, they may be projecting their useless comments and tidbits of information out to hundreds, if not thousands of complete strangers. But, for what purpose? Why do we feel so compelled to make our voices heard, even if we have no point to make or if we know the point will merely fall on deaf ears?

I believe in this day and age, unfortunately, everyone just wants to make a point but nobody knows what the point is or why they’re making it. It’s some new, indomitable desire to have our voices heard, even if it only appears that someone is actually listening. We now live in a society dominated by self gratification and simulated intellectual masturbation where people feel it’s more important to say what they want rather than to listen to what is said or observe what goes on around them.

I think a prime example of this would be drone warfare. Up until the other day it was as if no one knew what the hell was going on with drones, but suddenly it entered our mainstream media and now everyone’s talking about it as if they’re experts on the matter. Where were these people yesterday or last week? Likely posting updates and Tweeting about the previous hot topic in “current events,” whether it was regarding the NDAA (many of you likely don’t even know what this is yet, but more on this subject will be forthcoming in later posts) or the much more important offer made to Gronkowski to be featured in a porn. Perhaps they were just reminding us all what they had for dinner or when they’re going to the gym or what kind of agenda they have set for this week, I know I was on the edge of my seat waiting for these updates most of all! I know, that last bit probably sounded rather hackneyed at this point, deal with it.

The advent of smart phones and social media was supposed to somehow make the world smaller and bring us all closer together. (That’s hackneyed and cliché too, in case you are keeping tabs.) But in reality it appears to be driving us further and further apart as we all strive to make our own voices heard more and more, louder and louder.

So what should we take from all of this? My advice: disconnect from the matrix, at least sometimes, and get back getting to knowing your inner self, your friends and your family. Rather than go on Facebook to see what your friends are up to, give them a call, or if they live nearby, make some plans to see them. Give your mom a call; you’re crazy if you don’t think she’s not wondering what you’re up to right now, and now, and now. Try yoga or meditation, cook with a loved one, paint a picture, or go bat-shit crazy and maybe even read a book. Turn off the damn TV and stop allowing mainstream media to make decisions for you and instead make them for yourself.

As the saying goes, I think, you are the master of your own destiny. So choose your destiny, choose your path, and for fuck-sake, don’t let it be chosen for you. If you see injustice in the world do something about it, don’t just bitch about it online. Progression and change can only occur if we want them to and make a conscious effort to make them happen. So please, I implore, encourage and admonish you: get off your soapbox, your podium, or whatever you want to refer to it as and go do something. Take a page from my book for example, as I am going to post this blog on my computer and sit and wait to see how well it is received…

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:34:21-04:00February 8th, 2013|My Brain|1 Comment

Names That Fit A Profession

A name can say a lot about a person. It can describe your nationality, your location, your upbringing, and most notably your profession. A guy named Tex is probably growing up a bit differently than a guy named Ashley. Would Kobe still be Kobe if his name was Ted? Could Erik Everhard be anything other than a pornstar? When a name fits a profession though, you stand a better chance of achieving success. Here are a few professional names that I find particularly fitting.

Chris Moneymaker

His last name is actually Moneymaker. His ancestors made coins from gold and silver and adopted the name. He became an accountant. Who wouldn’t want their accountant having a name like Moneymaker? His name makes you think of profits, cheesy or not. He is differentiating himself with a name this direct and wild. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he happened to win the WSOP in 2003 with a name like that.

Dr. Jeffry Life

Dr. Jeffry Life is 73 and his body looks like that of a 20 year old. His mission is to sell you a program that promotes a healthy “life”. Makes sense that this would be his last name. A hidden gem about him that I noticed while watching CNN just a few days ago was that Dr. Life is a user of HGH. No wonder this guy is jacked up like no other 70 year old. It’s hard for me to say much about his program knowing so little about it but at least his name gives off the perception of living. If I was 70 and some guy was telling me I could look like this and extend my life, I’d absolutely be interested. Cha-ching for Dr. Life and a great target market. Everyone knows old people have all the money. Everyone also knows Shaq made all his money in college too.

Tiger Woods

Are we really surprised that a guy with the last name Woods is mighty at handling his wood? Makes perfect sense in every facet. The wood is a fundamental club in golf and Tiger just happens to be a master. I’m aware this one is a bit of a stretch but I still think it has to be included. You don’t get too many professionals whose last names jive with the sport equipment they are using. Bat? Ball?

Amy Winehouse

Is it really a surprise she died of alcohol poisoning? If my last name was Beerroom I’m pretty sure I’d be dead by now as well. She lived up to the expectations of her last name. I’m sure if she’d been names Amy Sweetsound she’d still be around singing today.

Usain Bolt

He’s fast. He’s fast as lightning. He’s a bolt of lightning. Sometimes you have to save the best for last and he takes the cake. He’s the fastest man who has ever lived and his last name just happens to be something that’s electric fast. You think he’d be able to attain this title with a name like turtle? No offense to Lisa but I don’t think she had what it took for track. Usain Bolt, you hold the best name in sports.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T02:58:41-04:00February 8th, 2013|Celeb, My Brain|3 Comments