We Don't Walk Slow

The Saving Grace

I’ve been watching a decent amount of Pawn Stars lately. I enjoy this show for two reasons: 1) I learn history about a lot of unique items 2) I see what type of valuation they place on these items. Whether these shows are staged or not is another question as I feel I was duped pretty good on Storage Wars. My theory is that the shows start off with a realistic vibe aka Jersey Shore, and as the characters grow into celebrities, the reality gets flushed down the toilet. All that being said there is still one thing that I notice on Pawn Stars which has to be reality, everyone who pawns an item already has the cash spent before it hits their wallet.

Whenever a person gets interviewed about what they are going to do with the money they earned from pawning their answers typically include “I’m going to have a nice meal,” “I’m going to help pay for a wedding,” or “I’m going to buy some new gear.” No one ever says I’m going to put this money into my Roth IRA. Now I have to assume that people in a Pawn shop generally will not be the type of people who are thinking about saving money but this is a universal problem with the United States. Where is this education growing up on how to prepare for your financial future?

In general, people are stupid. They acquire debt without understanding that you have to pay it back or else there is this naughty caveat called interest. I also get the feeling that most people who acquire money feel the need to spend it. It must be human nature. I graduated with a degree in Finance and I can’t think of one class I ever took that stressed the importance of saving and how to do it. It’s part of the reason our economy collapsed. Combine that with the greed of bankers who prey on people who don’t save and we find ourselves in 2008. I know how difficult saving can be because I can’t do it right myself.

I have a better than average job and I can’t save a penny. My expenses deteriorate my ability to save. Most of it is my fault. I have a decent apartment in the city and I drive around in a nice car. I don’t worry about bar tabs or eating out. I spend money on clothes when I feel like it. Sure I’ve saved some cash when I was younger and living at home to be in this position but it certainly hasn’t gotten any easier as I’ve gotten older. My troubles always begin with the thought that I’m not on this Earth to sit and accumulate money. I’m here to try to live and enjoy the time I have. Obviously there is a balance towards this idea but unless you practice the habit of saving, you’re going to lose.

Money is one of the hardest concepts to master while you live on this planet. Everybody around you is trying to figure out how to accumulate it just like you. Learning how to save is essential to a prosperous life. Pay off all debt and live within your means. Sounds boring but it speaks volumes of truth. I can’t advocate constantly saving and never doing because I think that might actually be worse. Finding the balance of being able to save while enjoying everything life has to offer is a goal to strive for. Shit I’m getting old if I’m posting about the importance of saving. A good guide on saving.

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-19T19:11:49-05:00February 19th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

Happy 56th Vanna!

Brookes made me aware of this clip of Vanna White on the Price is Right in 1980. What a beauty at 23. Perfect sun blonde hair, beautiful tan complexion, killer body, it’s no wonder she moved on to better and bigger things. The Get Serious shirt is also fitting. Bob Barker also makes a comment towards the end about her checking herself too often on the monitor. He looks way different 30 years ago as well. I actually watched all 7 minutes of this clip just because and the bidding is absolutely atrocious round after round. She’s one of the worst if you can believe that! Nobody ever bids 1 dollar and they don’t even consider the range of numbers they are getting. Aside from that I’d say she’s suited to turn over letters on Wheel of Fortune. She is noted in the Guinness Book Of World Records as Televisions Most Frequent Clapper. She’s not sky high in my list of hotties but she certainly made a name for herself and has been relevant in the industry for decades.

: Vanna White Milk Mustache

: Vanna in Bikini and Truckers Hat

: See Through Vanna

Her premiere on Wheel of Fortune

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:24:17-04:00February 18th, 2013|Tv|0 Comments

I Want What He’s Having

tongue sticking out

The idea was first brought to my attention years ago by a friend of mine. The idea is simple: kids are straight-up trippin’ balls!

I don’t have any scientific data to support this notion, but the evidence is quite obvious if you simply spend some time around children. I believe that for the vast majority of children, up until around 8 years of age, give or take, because the brain is still developing, they are not yet full human beings. Instead, they are almost-humans, perpetually wacked out of their gourds.

Logic tells me it’s likely brain chemistry and early developmental stages of becoming a full-fledged human being. I don’t know if it’s the juices in the brain still swirling around or the very fact that as children, things are still novel, so everything they do and say is, in a sense, a test. They are testing out the world and their environment, learning from it with each and every move and calculated and un-calculated decision. They are like mini scientists without any guidelines or instructions manual.

They pee on stuff. They make funny faces and sounds. They laugh at seemingly everything and nothing. They scream for no apparent reason. They run around in circles shouting nonsense, as if it’s utterly important; I wonder if their gibberish very well may be gospel if we could only interpret it.

What if they’re tripping because they are still feeling the effects of getting over living a previous life? What if it’s because as the brain develops they have yet to realize how fucked up the world is, so they are untainted by it, just out to have a good time? I obviously don’t have any of these answers but when I see kids, I see how much fun they have and I often think to myself, I wish life were still that much fun and that simple: test and re-test. Remember how great a simple toy was as a child? And how if someone handed it to you now, you’d be like “what the hell, why are you giving me this? Go away I have expense reports to review.” Whatever the reason may be, I think every one of us at one point or another would relish the opportunity to just go balls-out, that is to say, to re-live childhood, or at least the good parts of it.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:33:59-04:00February 18th, 2013|Childhood, My Brain, My Life|2 Comments

The Long Lost Early 90’s

The Early 90’s was when my memory starts kicking in. I get a few memories from Pre-school but nothing major. Once I hit the later years of elementary school, I believe you start to develop a better understanding of what is happening around you. That’s why I remember the early 90’s and some of the products and events that stood out. Here is a list of some random items and topics that I will never forget.

Video Game Consoles – Neo Geo & 3DO

I would assume that most people born before me would never have known these two systems even existed. Throw in Sega CD and these were probably some of the biggest console flops that no one owned. I didn’t even have a friend, aside from the McGrath’s, who owned one of these consoles. I remember the Neo-Geo costing $650 bucks or something ridiculous. Fatal Fury and Metal Slug were the bread winners for series. I have not seen a 3DO in my life. The popular systems were the ones they made games for and that’s what people played. The progression was Atari, then NES, next was Sega Genesis and SNES, then Playstation and N64, then PS2, Xbox 360, Wii. PC picked up steam when a connection fast enough to run the games with no lag was huge to gaming. Many consoles were out there though that didn’t catch on and these are two that come to mind. Lynx is another.

Addams Family Movies

I was a huge fan of the Addams Family movies. I know the TV series ran in the 60’s but these movies were my first introduction to the family. I particularly liked Cousin ITT and Thing. I sort of remember thinking Wednesday, played by Christian Ricci, was hot. Pugsley just got on my nerves and I didn’t even realize Fester was played by Christopher Lloyd years later when I knew who Christopher Lloyd was. Addams Family Values, the sequel, I believe was when Wednesday and Pugsley went to some camp which wasn’t as good as the first one when Uncle Fester came back brainwashed from a Bermuda Triangle incident. I honestly forget but I still remember enjoying these movies tremendously as a kid. I think it was the quirkiness of the characters and the death jokes.

1992 Dream Team

The greatest basketball team ever assembled. They defeated their opponents by an average of almost 44 points a game which I would consider embarrassing the opposition. They took home gold in 92′ and stamped the USA as the most dominant basketball nation existing. Obviously the world has caught up in terms of talent since 92′ but this was a historic team and we will never see this type of annihilation again in history. The committee was not going to include Barkley because of his aggressive personality but he proved it was a wise decision by going 71% from the floor and 7 or 8 from 3 point land in the tournament. I bought a set of Dream Team player cards that I still have today. They aren’t worth anything.

Jansport & Eddie Bauer

There was a pretty funny scene in 21 Jump Street when they are discussing if you should wear one strap vs two that I remember pretty accurately being the case in grade school. What type of bag you had could also bring about some ridicule. A black Eddie Bauer, 2 strap look is what I used to rock. Remember when you’d have 5 big ass text books and it would bulge your bag out? I was like 4 ft tall carrying around 50 lbs of books on my bag, torture. I wish I had some photos of my old backpacks because I don’t think it was until 6th grade that I got a real backpack. I’d have TMNT or GI Joe. I remember taking pride in having a neat and tidy backpack. A pocket to hold #2 Ticonderoga pencils was a must. I swapped to a .07mm lead mechanical pencil in high school and college.

Roller Blades

The move from Abec 1 bearings to Abec 3 was a major change in my life. I always wanted to move onto Abec 5’s but I’m just not that much of a wild man. We even built a two foot ramp that we’d do minor tricks off of. Rollerblades were also essential to roller hockey which I believe we had a decent time playing. It’s a little bit sad to see these lose popularity but I still see some people whizzing by on Kelly Drive with them. I also remember taking some serious spills when your brake got so worn out it would be nothing.

LA Gear

I never owned a pair of LA Gear light up shoes but they were still pretty cool in terms of hype. I suppose people could see you walking around in the dark which must be their greatest advantage. I honestly can’t think of another reason why you’d want your shoes to light up. With a little research though it seems like they sold 100 million pairs throughout time. That is not a typo. They’ve also failed to regain popularity but that shouldn’t be surprising considering their spokesmen were Luke Walton and Ron Artest.

Tandy Computers

Did anyone not have a computer class in middle school? We had these types of machines, I honestly can’t remember if they were Tandy or some 486 stands out in my mind. They tried to teach us spreadsheets and how to type but all I remember is playing arkanoid and Gorilla in QBasic. I think back to those days and do believe that Mrs. DeFranco teaching me how to use the homerow is one of the greatest things I’ve ever learned. Even though I thought she was the worst teacher, she taught me the most useful skill. I also learned a decent amount about DOS which I’m sure kids today have never even heard of.

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-18T12:06:26-05:00February 18th, 2013|Childhood|1 Comment

Frostbite 5 Miler 2013 Experience

The Frostbite 5 Miler is a very well run race hosted by the Ambler running club. Ira Meyers, winner of the 1986 Philadelphia Marathon, is the race director and keeps everyone up to date with info. Supposedly we were going to get some snow and ice last night but luckily everything held off. I slept at my parents house so I wouldn’t have to rush to race. I got there at 8:15 or so and there were already a good number of people. The race started at 9am and was expected to get 1600 runners. I met up with Ck4 and Nikkii and other people looking to recruit runners for the American Odyssey Run come April. We are looking to get 2 teams of 12 runners and are 4 short so if anyone who reads this blog wants to participate in a 200 mile relay run from Gettysburg to DC, let me know. The highlight being you get to spend 24+ hours in a van with me.

Back to the run. The weather was perfect for this run as it is sometimes extremely frigid. I got in behind the first few rows of runners and the race began promptly as scheduled. I had trained entirely indoors this year and this was my first time outside since the fall. Sometimes treadmill training can be deceiving with no hills so I wasn’t sure what to expect. The first mile is a gradual decline and I finished the first mile at 5:15. I read last year’s post and was at 5:30 so I knew I was at a pretty good pace. I still felt good and was running mostly with myself and came across the next mile at 10:50. Still feeling good I started running with this bro for the next mile and we were at low 17 for 3 which I knew would make it difficult to break 29 which I would say is my goal. At this point I still had strength in my legs and was expecting to pick up the pace. Wrong. At 23:15 crossing the 4 mark I knew I was toast. To quote Sam, “I started rigging up.” My stomach was hurting even though I still had strength in my legs, I just couldn’t get a kick going. With 400 a female started coming up on me but even a deathly ill TC can outkick a girl and I finished with a 29:15 or so. I was pretty pleased as I didn’t know what to expect. It was 10 seconds off of last year and I assume I’ll lose 10 seconds every year following.

I talked with Ck4 at the finish line for a while and then jumped in my car and headed off. I had to drive through some runners but they made it out alive without getting hurt. I got a vanilla milkshake from McDonalds like last year and headed back to Philly. I arrived back at 10:30 which should make this one of the first posts in any blog out there about this race.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T02:57:23-04:00February 16th, 2013|Running|0 Comments

10 Funniest Movie Scenes

Here are my choices for the top 10 funniest movie scenes I’ve watched. I’ve watched various comedies from the 80’s like Airplane and Caddyshack and they don’t seem to carry the same humor that I find funny. I could have compiled this entire list with just Step Brothers and Super Troopers but expanded a little bit just because. I’m actually really disappointed that the quality of the scene with the gigantic cotton candy is terrible. I almost waited to post until I could take better footage with a camera of my own. I wasn’t able to find the Green Hornet’s gas gun which Sam knows cracks me up. I’m also sure there are tons I don’t remember but I still think this is a pretty solid list.

Step Brothers – I Smoked Pot With Johnny Hopkins

Super Troopers – Move That Gigantic Cotton Candy

Super Troopers – Liter of Cola

Austin Powers – I Also Like To Live Dangerously

Office Space – People Skills

Bad Santa- Fraggle Stick Car

Superbad – McLovin

Dumb and Dumber – Pets Heads Are Falling Off

Hangover – Rainman was a Retard

Zoolander – Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:28:00-04:00February 15th, 2013|Movies|5 Comments

I Don’t Hate You Anymore, Lebron

First of all, Michael Jordan was and always will be my favorite player of all time. Even now, I probably can’t go more than a week or two without thinking about how I wish I could re-live watching him. I’ve always wanted a DVD (I guess that’s outdated now) set of every one of his college and professional games to come out; I would watch at least a game a day. To me, even if he is a pompous asshole, he can do no wrong. The guy could kill a million babies and I would simply say “but it’s MJ, it’s no big deal.”

Then along came Lebron James. He was the anointed one from the very get-go. I bought into the hype, justifiably so, and loved watching him play. I thought it was cool that he got to play for a team (which was mired in mediocrity, no less) that was a city in the state where he grew up. I couldn’t help but root for him to bring some sort of attention and glory to the state of Ohio, considering I literally don’t know a single thing they are known for.

But after Dan Gilbert failed to bring Lebron any sort of adequate support, year after year, Lebron inevitably and logically grew frustrated and took his talents to South Beach. When he made “The Decision” I was pissed! I was pissed for Ohio and Cleveland, and I was pissed that I didn’t go to Heat games (to watch him) while tickets would still be cheap since he played against them and the Heat weren’t that good. I wanted to see him get his titles for the Cavs because it made the hometown hero story that much better. But most of all, I was pissed at the way he handled departing from Cleveland. He could have forewarned Gilbert and the Cavs rather than embarrassing them in an hour long special which should have been titled “Look At Me, Pay Attention To Me.” I thought it was immature and the ultimate slap in the face to Cleveland and Ohio.

Looking back now, I’ve realized it was just an immature mistake, no more, no less. He could have certainly handled it better. His PR team, assuming he has one, probably realized this too. But it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be in my head. He had a right to try to win a title and Gilbert certainly wasn’t doing anything to help bring him any closer.

Now that he’s been on this ridiculous tear, breaking records, kicking ass and taking names, I can’t help but marvel at what he’s doing. It’s nothing short of incredible, honestly. He’s doing things no one else did, and with ease. He’s truly like a man amongst boys. At this point in his career, I don’t think there’s much he can’t do, if anything. Well, he’s not the greatest free-throw shooter, but it hasn’t seemed to matter all that much anyway.

A player like Dwight Howard and the way he has been such a baby for the last 2+ seasons, holding the city and team of Orlando hostage and now causing a commotion in L.A. has taught me a lesson: what Lebron did wasn’t so bad. He didn’t screw Cleveland over, he just made a decision that was in his best interests. What Dwight did screwed Orlando over, and that city had already been abandoned by their previous number one overall pick and huge center, my main man, Shaq, landing on the same team too, go figure. Dwight didn’t give it his all, complained, and literally held the team hostage, making it impossible for them to really benefit from losing him other than by potentially getting better via the Ewing Theory.

Whereas up until he left, Lebron gave Cleveland everything he had, and it was almost enough, all by himself. “I’m not MJ, I’m LJ,” brought a smile to my face when he tweeted that the other day. His identity has finally come out, and he’s not a bad guy, he’s just having fun playing a game he’s ridiculously gifted at. So Lebron, it wasn’t your title, and it wasn’t your tackle of this guy (although I loved that because it does make it easier to endear to you), it was simply my new-found understanding that I overreacted to “The Decision.” And thus, Lebron, I don’t hate you anymore. In fact, I’m back to loving you, so keep doing what you do big man!

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-15T12:10:32-05:00February 15th, 2013|Sports|2 Comments

The Greatest Console of All Time?

I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing about my childhood and early adolescence video game playing days. My parents got me the original Nintendo for my 7th birthday I believe, I remember I was in 1st grade, so that should be correct. I fuckin’ loved that thing to death. I spent countless hours playing solo and with my childhood friends defeating level after level, boss after boss, throwing touchdown after touchdown, and so on. I loved that hockey game with the skinny, normal and fat guy. Well I loved a lot of games, so I won’t begin to list them (cough, Crystalis, Metroid, Abadox, XEXYZ, all the Megaman’s, sorry I’ll stop). In fact, I still have my original console, the Game Genie, the gun and some classic original games like the first Final Fantasy. I even bought another console (now I’m not even positive which one was my original) with a bunch of games included off of a kid during high school for $20 because he wanted to buy pot. Unfortunately, I gave most of my original games away to a family friend prior to high school, but at least I have that kid’s and a few I still had laying around.

So like I said, I had a true love affair with Nintendo. After Nintendo, I then got a Sega Genesis (sorry Nintendo), and then I traded that in with my dad’s help (we went back and forth to stores for maximum trade-in value, when an old system and games still were worth something) to get Nintendo 64. Before it even came out I was blown away when I saw what the controllers looked like and opted to rekindle my relationship with Nintendo. I couldn’t have been happier. I played Super Mario 64 the way Jimmy Hendrix played his guitar: truly one with the game/guitar. When I was suspended at one point during middle school, I played it like my life depended on it, that is of course, until I heard my mom come home. Needless to say I got all 120 stars. I think that was my favorite game of all time; it’s tough to say, but I can’t recall loving any game more than that one. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina in Time was one of the greatest games I ever played as well. The amount of games for 64 wasn’t overwhelming, but it’s quality over quantity, and that system was not short on quality games. MarioKart 64, Mario Party (any of them), Mario Tennis (God, me and my friends spent endless hours with this one, it never seemed to get old), Super Smash Bros, Starfox 64, Star Wars Shadow of the Empire, Turok (this game is actually what inspired me to write this, as it randomly popped into my head the other day), and let’s not forget the amazing Goldeneye 007.

The list could go on of course, but we don’t want to get bogged down further reminiscing and listing. Plus, I might shed a tear if I continue to think about each game. While I occasionally felt like I was missing out on some games that Playstation had to offer (like Final Fantasy 7, which I later bought when I got the PS2 the day it came out, ditching school to get it and stay home and play it), I did not care because my 64 was all I really needed. The graphics at the time were top-notch, putting Playstation to shame. The games, as I mentioned, were nothing short of incredible. The controller was funny looking and insanely comfortable to hold; the mini-joystick was awesome. Sure, the new systems have internet and play movies and are complete entertainment centers. But all the games nowadays seem like they’re just first person shooters, designed to train kids for war and desensitize them to violence. I bought an Xbox360 about 2 years ago I think, maybe less than that, after taking a Bar exam. I figured I’d get back into video games again, but the allure was gone, I couldn’t get into them. Assassin’s Creed was supposedly a classic, and I put it down after about 4 hours due to utter boredom. The 360 just sits around and collects dust. The most use I got out of it was the year I had Xbox Live and used Netflix (until their selection inevitably dried up, as Netflix selection sucks by the way), and that’s just not worth the cost of a system and the fees.

So, looking back, I cannot think of a greater system than Nintendo 64. In writing this I also realized I subconsciously was pretty loyal to the Nintendo brand, straying less frequently than I initially thought. I loved my Gameboy, and my Gameboy color was great too, I even got the Nintendo DS. I played a fair share of computer games all growing up, and absolutely loved Warcraft 3 during college; played it constantly. But in the end, other than the initial Nintendo, none of them could hold a candle to the great Nintendo 64. All hail Nintendo 64, the greatest console of all time.

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-15T09:36:16-05:00February 14th, 2013|Childhood, My Brain, My Life|2 Comments

Mother Can You Take Me

Think back to your childhood and recall how much you relied on your parents to get you from point A to point B when you were younger. How your parents would get annoyed once you started asking them too often. I remember my mom was always my go to and my dad was always a last resort. When I think back to it I really have to give my mom tons of credit because driving a teenage kid around must be a huge pain in the ass. It’s, stop everything you’re doing and drive your child to where they want to go. What is going on in your life must come to a halt. Plus you’d have some of your friends whose parents would rarely ever drive and it would get into a numbers game. Multiple rides to places in a day would occur to make matters worse. All my kids are riding a bike Jake Schwartz style.

The worst age for a parent had to be when your kids were 15 and they’d want to hang out late and then ask you to pick them up. My mom used to get PISSED when we’d say we had rides figured out, something would change and then we’d call her at midnight, and be like “can I have a ride home?” This obviously stopped once kids got their licenses but these had to be tough times. I remember a year or two before I could drive where we had track practice during the summer and we would break for lunch. Kids moms would actually pick them up at lunch and bring them back every day. I would hang nearby where my mom worked at a nursing home.

While I’m back in my childhood days, did anyone else get really excited just to see a boob (when did youtube start showing nipples?)? I remember movies like Species, Just One of the Guys, Disclosure, Wild Things, The Specialist, Barb Wire, Striptease, and some others that would come to me if I kept thinking about it, were like heaven sent. I probably didn’t even know how to bust a nut but the anticipation of a boob was all I needed. Let’s not forget meticulously searching through Vanity Fair for any semblance of an outlined nipple. Anyone else remember the introduction of the magazine Heavy Metal?

I did a lot of nerdy things too like set up a lan with Evan to play Quake 3. We used to abuse the Electronics Boutique return policy by buying a game and returning it within the 14 days. Why didn’t we just rent the game? The magic trick phase where we practiced magic was hilarious too. That used to piss my mom off more than anything because they had a magic stand at the Montgomeryville Mall that we’d always ask to go to when the Willow Grove mall was 15 minutes closer. Plus once you have more than 1 kid this is times 4 for my family. Ahh the good old days.

As you get older and mature you start to realize what a hassle it is to have kids but I’ll take this post and thank my mom (with slight recognition to my dad) for driving me to and from places to make my childhood a memorable experience. Without them I don’t know how I would have done all these nerdy activities.

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-15T09:35:36-05:00February 14th, 2013|Childhood, My Life|0 Comments

Mario’s – The Barber Experience

Today at Mario’s in Maple Glen, I spent 14 minutes and $20 dollars as I walked out with a fresh new haircut. I couldn’t have been happier. I always have a fear when I’m getting my hair cut that the barber is going to leave too much in front or buzz off the sides. There is a lot that can go wrong in a hair cut and then you have to deal with it for days, if not weeks, with a stupid hair cut. It’s not something that is easily fixed once it goes south. That’s why I still go to the same place that I’ve always gone to since childhood. The staff has hardly changed in the past 20 years and I think that gives a nice comfort level. My personal favorite is Nick and he is who I had today. He’s friendly, tells some decent stories, there aren’t any awkward moments of silence, and he gives a decent hair cut in quick time. He barely even uses scissors which shows his skill strictly with an electric razor. I couldn’t bring myself to trust a girl from Hair Cuttery to cut my hair. I feel like she’d try to style it into something it’s not. Here is what I came out with:

I blog shirtless and have those huge headphones as I listen to Spotify or AltNation on Sirius. I was going to doctor the photo with something comical in the background because I know everyone analyzes pictures looking for something to call someone out on. Not this time but just know that it’s in the back of my mind as something funny to do even though I’ll probably lose all credibility from here on out.

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-13T23:33:58-05:00February 13th, 2013|My Life|6 Comments