About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Tom Stortz’s 4 Year Time Spans

I think that people’s lives can be broken down into stages that last 4 years. First you have middle school (3 years, whatever), high school, college, work and then ? Basically your beginning years are just blah. You do whatever grown ups tell you to do and you don’t realize it at the time but these are awesome years because you have no responsibilities and people are constantly taking care of you. Then you hit middle school where the selection process begins. The only point of middle school is to separate the retards, geeks, nubs, goths, jocks, and brains. You begin to find your place in society. Then high school comes and things really aren’t that important yet but your main goal is to get into college and start to know what adult fun it. You do your best not to fuck things up with DUI’s and misconduct so that you can start with a clean slate in college. Where I was brought up most people are able to get into college and start the next 4 year process. College is where the partying begins. No one is there to tell you what to do and you get your first chance to really live on your own. College is supposed to prepare you to get a job but unless you are dedicated, it’s mostly just a time to get wasted regularly. Without realizing it, these are the best years of all the stages. You are young, don’t need much to survive, and are surrounded by people trying to do the same as you. This time passes in a blink of an eye and “I want to go back, go back, cause I’m feeling so much older, but I can’t go back, I know.” ( It’s an eddie money song for all the dolts) And that brings me to the next paragraph.

I have just finished the next stage. I’ve been a working person for 4 years and about 3 months and something just told me I’ve left the next life stage. I started working 1 week out of college and have not taken anything off outside of a one week vacation each year. Sure I take days off or leave early from time to time but it’s been one continuous 4 year loop. At 25, I’m leaving this stage which is probably earlier than most because my parents decided it was good to put me in kindergarten so I could be the runt of the grade. In this time you learn what it takes to be responsible. You make money, which means you can buy nicer things. You learn how to pay for things on your own and spend foolishly. You are still young enough to party at bars without people looking at you funny but I’m noticing that people are looking younger and younger while I’m getting older and “shorter of breath and one day closer to death” (Pink Floyd for the people living in a cave). I’ve still been getting as fucked up as ever but something in my internal clock just told me that it’s time to give it up for the next phase.

The next phase is relationship coupled with a family. This is honestly the most horrifying phase. Some people seem to be so eager to get married and have kids because I guess they figure they don’t know what else to do with themselves. I don’t want responsibility. I like hitting on hot bartenders and acting like a complete goon (going after the bartender is good trick because they can’t escape). Everything changes once you have someone who has a vested interest in your well being and a shot at half your loot. Getting married early is like asking for extra years to consider a divorce. Which completely blows now too because people around me are constantly getting married. It’s not that I don’t like weddings, I think they are what they are. I don’t like getting dressed up, I’m not going to get emotional, I’ll be polite and courteous but I’m going to take advantage of the open bar. I think it’s just the fact that people are relying on me to be somewhere at a certain place at a certain time that bothers me. This next phase is what I’m moving towards with my heels dragging in the dirt.

There really is no stopping time. I look back and think what I would have done differently but really what’s the point, it’s over and done with. I really don’t where I’m supposed to go anymore. My advice to everyone is, don’t take advice from anyone (except me of course). All people, especially professional, all have their own self interests in mind. If you don’t figure it out for yourself then you won’t be happy. And that’s the closest thing I can think of to the meaning of life. That and having little TC’s around.

By |2010-01-25T23:22:07-05:00September 9th, 2009|My Brain|0 Comments

Uhhhh

This may be long winded and cover a cluster fuck of topics so if you aren’t in the mood for irrelevant bs I suggest you stop reading. If it’s right up your alley than by all means continue. Basically I had no plans this labor day weekday. I had a list of things to do that included buying some new clothes and some other easy to accomplish items. The only agenda item of my list to get crossed off was beer. I bought a variety pack of Stoudts which I thought was pretty decent. It was a bit pricey and made my shit really dark but they were quality beers if you like IPA’s. I also purchased a handle of goose and a fifth of aged Jameson. There’s probably no reason to spend this much on alcohol considering I can get just as bombed off a 20 dollar fifth of Captain but I reasoned “my body has grown acquired to the good stuff.” So that’s kind of a lead in to where my weekend was headed on Thursday night.

We played golf on Friday at Neshaminy Valley which was an OK course. Not to pricey but kind of laid out close together. I ended up with a 96 even though I struck the ball what I thought should have got me in the 80’s (this will be proven later on instead of all talk). The greens were unusual I thought and I probably 3 putted at least 9. The wagon beat me too which was obviously wtf.

I got bombed on both Friday and Saturday night. I honestly can’t recall any details from the later parts of the night. Blurs here and there but nothing concrete. I finished reading Tucker Max’s book and I just have to wonder how the hell he can be so descriptive in his drunken stories. My stories would be like “i started pregaming at 5, played some drinking games at 8, did some shots at 10 and then I woke up on the couch in my clothes and contacts at 11 am.” I’m dead serious my book would have to be told by other people. If I had a camera on my head going through the night and I watched it the next morning it would be like a brand new episode instead of a rerun. I used to feel embarrassed cause I probably say and do stupid shit that I couldn’t remember but now after reading Tuckers book I’m not even in the same ballpark of crazy shit. If this guy can wake up each day feeling fine, I’ll continue. I’ve sort of adopted 2 philosophies that won’t make me popular. 1) If I was drunk and don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. 2) I can’t change the past so lets forget it happened and move on.

I’m reading Artie Lange’s book now and I like reading about these fucked up people who I guess you could say made it pretty big. I don’t aspire to be like these guys. These guys are one of kinds who are smart enough to turn their stupidity into a job. I’m not in this category. I fall into the category of drunk, jackass who is lucky enough to have not done anything stupid enough to get him into real trouble. This may be a bit harsh but the booze definitely holds over me. I’m the player and it’s the house, it doesn’t lose. It’s funny because I realize it, but once I get it in my head to get smashed, there’s no stopping until my body forfeits (usually it’s my mind that quits first). I can’t remember if it was in Tucker Max’s book or somewhere else but you have to find the “zone” when your drinking. It’s in between sobriety and retardation. After 10 beers or so, if I just quit altogether and I could maintain some decency to myself. However the zone can be easily pushed through into black out. If someone could create something that shuts off your ability to consume more alcohol after being too loaded, you could become a millionaire.

I couldn’t even bring myself to drink on Sunday night. I shot an 84 at Limekiln playing white-blue which is somewhat legit. I’m driving the ball well and there was a hole I snowmanned which should have been an easy bogey. To say that I was nearing the 70’s may be a stretch as I caught a lucky break here. It’s a shame it’s so late in the season as I think I could throw up a number.

Finally an update on softball to the people on the team who read this post. I told you I wasn’t kidding about throwing the ball. I think I really surprised people with my throwing accuracy of a blind man firing at a target. This is my theory on how this happened. I stopped playing competitive sports when I was 16 or so. Basically when I started running track in high school I stopped all baseball, bball and everything else I played competitively. When I was 16 or so I grew from like 5-3 to 6-0 in one summer. Without really realizing it, there was no transition from the way I used to play sports to how I would have to relearn to play sports. With a new body, I never practiced sports. I never played baseball past 16. In middle school I was a point guard who liked to gun up 3’s. When I grew I was an undersized forward who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn, my shot never redeveloped. It was the same thing with throwing, I never threw a baseball in the past 10 years. So you can try to hide me at first and hope I don’t have to throw home, but don’t get your hopes up. I sort of break it down like, I could be better at these sports if I really wanted to by practicing, but what’s really the point. I don’t care about winning leagues or being the best, all I really care about is not getting hurt. I’m happy to contribute if I can but if you think I’m going to be in tip-top shape at 10:30 on a Saturday morning for Softball, (to quote Tucker) Hahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahaah. Now I know where you got this from Jeff.

I like to end with a good song because I think my taste in music is better than yours.
Re-check the one from the last post as I think that song is majorly overlooked.

By |2010-01-25T23:23:52-05:00September 8th, 2009|Music, My Brain, Sports|0 Comments

Bother Me

Here are some things that annoy me.

I went running down Kelly Drive yesterday and the amount of people who wear the Philadelphia distance run shirts amazes me. I do not believe in free shirts. What do I mean by this? I’ll wear free shirts from time to time if I don’t mind promoting the company (beer, athletics, work related, etc) but I refuse to let myself be a walking advertisement for some company I could give two shits about. I only wear the free shirt if I like the cause and not because a shirts a shirt. Anyway, people who wear the distance run shirt when they run are screaming one thing. “I’m in terrible shape because I’m fat and lazy but if I wear last year’s shirt saying I completed the run, then people will think higher of me.” This really shouldn’t bother me but let me explain. The distance run shirt is just a regular cotton shirt. People go out of their way to pick this particular shirt. There is a thought process behind the act of picking this shirt which bothers me. So to sum it up, you lose all credibility to me when you wear this shirt and your thoughts mean nothing to me.

I don’t like when companies make bottles where the hole is too big. An example is I bought a some body wash at CVS. It was 2 dollars and even thought I usually only buy old spice I go for a deal if it’s too good to pass up. I would use other body washes but I used Ax one time and it made me break out in hives which kind of freaked me out. Back to the topic, every time I try to use this 2 dollar bottle of off brand shit it comes pouring out. I give this bottle a tiny squeeze and I get enough body wash to last a month. I get it to. The fucking manufacturers are sitting behind their giant mahogany desks figuring out ways to bend over the customers and they come up with this brilliant idea to make the substance fly out of the bottle so it gets used quicker and the person has to buy more faster. Same logic applies behind the rinse, wash, repeat. Are those steps really necessary? No Fucking Way.

This one doesn’t bother me so much as it’s an observance. My dad reads a lot of books on improving oneself. So whatever he’s reading he preaches while he’s reading the book. His latest book is called Excuses Begone. I haven’t read the book but I assume it says that an individual can accomplish anything as long as they are persistent and want to succeed. So now at work whenever any problem or situation comes up there aren’t any excuses for if it doesn’t get done. He actually hasn’t finished the book but there will be more to come.

I started reading Tucker Max and all I can say that it’s refreshing to have people get as drunk as I like to get. “If you were drunk and you don’t remember doing it, it didn’t happen.” I haven’t finished it yet but it’s a quick read and I’ll give a better review when I’m done over the weekend. The 5-roper is something I’ll be adding to my vernacular. Is that word used right? What if I was like my dad and I practiced what I read in my book… I’ll keep this updated.

By |2010-01-25T23:20:12-05:00September 3rd, 2009|Music|0 Comments

Recap

I had a tamer weekend this weekend and actually enjoyed it. I saw a Phil’s game on Saturday which got poured on in the 8th. I woke up on Sunday feeling fine. I time trialed a mile and did it in 5:02. I probably could break 5 fairly easily with better shoes and a pacer. I played Limekiln on Sunday as well. Shot 97 which wasn’t very good but I thought I hit the ball well enough to be in the mid 80’s. I know it’s a stretch but the amount of putts I missed and better damage control. could get me there. I was 2 over after 6 and then went +5 on hole 7 and triple on 8 to fuck the round. The season is almost over but I’m hitting the ball really well, just not putting for shit.

Entourage should quit. Let me explain why this show isn’t good anymore breaking down this last shitty episode. The security part was just wasting time. Nothing happens and it’s forced comic relief. E sucks and is breaking it off with the best character in the show. Nothing personal to the Kevin Connolly, I thought he was find on Unhappily Ever After, but I think they made his character grow up too fast and he doesn’t play the part. Plus watching him and the tiny girl is like watching the smallest couple on the planet. The part with Vince and the stalker is so lame, I could honestly care less. Finally, that was entertaining to watch Andrew Kline crash his car in his house but I just don’t care about his character. He’s not entertaining and Gary Cole is just not Entourage material, he’s Office Space material, stick with what you know.

True Blood was finally meh. I usually don’t use faggot internet buzz words but this one fits with a just average episode. Tara and her mom bug the shit out of me. Hoyt and Jessica is whatever. Jason and Andy are funny together I’m actually curious to see how they fuck up whatever is in the season finale. I like that Sam and the vamps are going to work together, they are decent character. Maryann is like WTF? She was summoned by Tara? Now she has to sacrifice an supernatural for some crazy reason. It got kind of far out with some of that reasoning. I think the people with the bug eyes may have taken it a bit too far for me. I’m still entertained but for some strange reason that turned me off a little. Nevertheless I will certainly be tuning in the for end.

By |2010-01-27T19:20:33-05:00August 31st, 2009|Music, Sports|0 Comments

Back on Track

So after crying for a couple of days from the weekend I find myself feeling good again hoping to not repeat. I’m going to use this post to let write about the things that I really like. I’m a simple person. I like what I like and that’s what I like. I don’t like change. I don’t like to try new things. I will try new things, but I don’t like to. When I find something I like, I stick with it. Now let me describe what I’m talking about.

Sausage Egg and Cheese – Easily the best breakfast sandwich, probably get it 3 times a week. The girl at the place now knows what I’m going to order before I have to stay it. This is the feeling of being a reg. It’s a good feeling.

Turkey Club & Jewish Hoagie (just the meat, cheese, and Russian dressing) – My favorite lunch items. I probably will order each at least once a week. You’d think I’d get tired of them but if I space them out enough I don’t really mind too much. In Elementary school my mom would make me plain peanut butter sandwiches, I always had an aversion to Jelly. Still do.

Caesar Salad – I’ll eat others but this is preferred over any. Like a house salad with regular dressing doesn’t appeal to me so I usually will upgrade for the 2 bucks. I even like the Caesar that Wendy’s sells but when those fucking cocksuckers forget the croutons, that’s what really irritates me.

Snicker’s Ice Cream Bar- I don’t really eat ice cream but if I come across one of these bad boys I buys. Frozen snickers are also good but the ice cream bar is a tad bit higher

Goobers – Better than peanut M & M’s, especially good frozen. Just a side note, how to people eat Milky Way’s and 3 Musketeers. There’s just too much chocolate. Also anything with coconut is insta-vomit.

Nantucket Nectars Half and Half – Best tasting drink and won’t lead to kidney stones like ice tea. Seriously I will drink an Ice Tea from time to time but getting a laser in your dick hole won’t be pleasant

Wild Cherry Pepsi – I’m not a big soda drinker because I think it rots your teeth but this type reigns supreme over just regular Pepsi. I used to really like Ginger Ale but I think it just phased out.

Switching from Food:
Regular color shirts – You won’t find me wearing flaming shirts. Bold colors for me. Black, Gray, White, Blue, and Red if I’m feeling lucky. There’s nothing wrong with other colors. If you wear other colors I don’t think you’re weird. I feel weird if I wear something that would make me standout. It’s a completely irrational mindset and makes no sense. However if you read anything I wrote above I have my quirks.

Running – I’m past my prime. I can’t say I’m washed up because I never was. What I can do now at 25 is run around a track or run a certain distance faster than you can. I made a claim that I am in the top 1% of the entire population who can run the times I can run and drink as much as I do. What I can’t do anymore is play sports and be good at them. When I was young I was good at sports. Why was I good? Because I played them often. To be good at something you have to do it often. I had a lot of free time when I was young to practice and get good. Now I spend my time selling roofing tools and contemplating how to make money. Where am I going with this? My friends ask me to be on a softball team. Here’s my thinking “the absolute last time I played any kind of baseball (age 15 or so) I made 3 errors in one game (only played 3 innings) and I have developed a Rube complex from Major League 2. I’ve had catches before I’m completely serious in not being able to hit a target. So if people reading this still want me to play understand if, and it’s a big if, I field the ball and wing it 10 feet over the first baseman’s head, don’t say I didn’t warn you. And just FYI, I was on a competitive travel team that won 30+ games in a row that lasted 1 and half years. That record will likely never again be matched. I was decent then, this is now. My days of even relatively competitive sports is nearing an end. I feel like an old man just trying not to get hurt. Ah the good ol’ days.

By |2010-01-27T19:23:41-05:00August 27th, 2009|My Brain|0 Comments

Footloose

For some reason I get a kick out of watching movies from 20 years ago that people claim are good movies. Movies like Sixteen Candles, the Breakfast Club, and Say Anything come to mind. These aren’t flashy movies but every time I watch one I always think “wow”, movies in the 80’s are so much better than movies today. This is a plain jane movie about an out of town kid who brings “dancing” to a straight shooting small town. I finally can appreciate Bret’s dance from Flight of the Conchords (below). 80’s movies had plots with meaning. The soundtrack actually made me like the song Hurt’s So Good by John Mellancamp. Plus any movie with Foreigner songs is OK by me. Kevin Bacon uses a ridiculous jump kick straight out of a Jackie Chan movie. The fight scene is absurd but that’s what makes it awesome. When I think of the movies today like Transformers and GI Joe, I just can’t find any reason to watch these. A bodacious plot, ridiculous explosions, wild effects, all just to keep kids with ADD entertained. There’s no substance. Whereas I just watched Chris Penn learn how to dance and how to play chicken in a tractor. I’m aware that I’m coming off like a complete faggot saying I thought Footloose is a better movie than practically any new movie I’ve seen in a while but there’s just something in my brain that says, “you just watched a good movie.”

On a side note I also watched Burn After Reading and Role Models. Now I know these aren’t even in the same genre as Footloose but I’ll give my opinion anyhow. Burn After Reading is an OK movie, two star at best. The characters are well acted and the story runs together nicely but there’s no real connection to any of the characters. It’s not like you want Ren to open up Rev Shaw’s thinking. I’m asking myself throughout the movie “am I being entertained?” If I have to ask the question, most likely I’m not. John Malkovich was a good actor in the movie however. It’s like “what is going to happen next?” I don’t really care.

Role Models had some good lines. I actually like Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott. I can tolerate both of them. Rudd’s dryness is comical and well played. Stiffler’s over the top comedy I still find funny. Ronnie or whatever the kids name was was funny too. The plot is stupid as to be expected and there is no point whatsoever where you are like “this is a good movie.” Funny and entertaining, but not a good movie. Movies like this can never get more than 2 stars, 1 star most likely.

By |2013-03-15T16:43:18-04:00August 27th, 2009|Movies|0 Comments

Lack of Updates

I haven’t wrote anything because I’ve been recovering from one of my worst weekends in a while. It literally took 4 full days before I felt like myself again. Basically, I can’t control my binge drinking and I pretty much make out of control decisions at my elderly age of 25. I’ve considered going cold turkey from booze completely but that’s a bit extreme. Nevertheless I have to do something to combat this weekly occurrence of stupidity. I’m not going into it either cause it’s hurts to think about.

I read an article in the Journal today that said avg SAT scores dropped by a point or so. Basically white kids do the best in critical reading and Asians are the best at math and writing. Whites and Asians are top two in all categories followed by hispanics in third and blacks in last (native Americans were in there somewhere too). No point really just an FYI.

I also constantly read about Obama and the dems and their health care program. Just to make this clear to everyone who voted for Obama without knowing why you were voting for him. You voted for someone who wants to take from the 85% of the population who works, and give to the 15% of people who don’t work. Also if you haven’t seen the news, we are going to have a 10 trillion dollar deficit by 2019 if we continue spending as is. I cannot predict what this will do to our current situation but I know it’s better to be owed then to owe. I expect higher interest rates and rampant inflation in the near future. Also for all the people who voted for Obama because he wasn’t going to raise taxes on people making under 250,000. Think again, we will see this in the near term, mark my word. Just another campaign marked with empty promises to deceive the stupid American public.

By |2010-01-27T19:23:07-05:00August 26th, 2009|My Brain|0 Comments

Tipping

Today I thought about how much money I’ve spent in my lifetime on tips. Every time I go to the bar and order 1 drink, I tip a dollar. Say I order 10 drinks a night, which is 20 a weekend and 50 weekends a year. That’s 1,000 dollars a year. 1500 gross paycheck dollars. In one year I guess I tip casino dealers at either the poker table or blackjack close to another 500 dollars. Say I play poker for 6 hours, drag 20 pots and tip between 2-3 dollars, that’s 60 a session, 5 sessions a year and then to count drunk tipping to hot cocktail waitresses. Now I factor in tipping on food which I usually think 20 percent is reasonable. This could total 20 a week, 50 weeks and that’s another grand. So I just estimated 2500 after tax dollars that come directly from me and go directly to someone else. I pay someone 1 dollar to pour some beer and glass and give it to me. 20 percent to write down my order and serve my food and ask if I need a refill. People who work in the service industry always say that’s how they make their money, off tips, so don’t be stingy. I hear people say they need the money more than I do. That may be true but there’s a reason I have money. I don’t go to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week so that I can spend it tipping anyone who is just doing their job. Anyone who reads this that lives off tips will probably think I’m a douche for this opinion but I don’t skimp on tips, ever. Even if the service is terrible I still believe in tipping. However, when I really go over my expenses this is one that I’m not sure people are even in the same arena when it comes to how much I blow. Sorry for no paragraphs, rants tend to not break.

By |2010-01-27T19:21:00-05:00August 17th, 2009|My Brain|0 Comments

Movies and Vick

I watched 2 movies recently that I’ll give my review. I pretty much think that I can determine what a good movie is as good as anyone. Tropic Thunder and No Country for Old Men were the two movies.

Tropic Thunder is not a good movie. It’s plot is stupid. The actors overact. This movie wasn’t going to win an oscar but I look at it like, you either have a good movie with a good plot, or you go for pure comedy where the movie doesn’t need a plot. Dumb and Dumber fits the latter. This wasn’t either. Jack Black is too much. The black Robert Downey doesn’t thrill me. Ben Stiller is just average. The skinny guy from knocked up was the best character. Movies like this are why I don’t pay 10 dollars at the theater. Lots of hype, average movie.

I watched No Country for Old Men. Why is Tommy Lee Jones the star of this movie? He’s in a couple of scenes and is basically lazy as fuck. The psychopath with the bowl cut from 8th grade steals the movie. Without him you really only have a mediocre movie. His character is a badass and it’s entertaining to watch a psychotic badass. I was entertained throughout and would recommend the movie.

I’ll comment on Michael Vick just for kicks. He’s really not that good. The guy couldn’t hit the broad side of barn. Not to be racist but he’s your typical black quarterback that can’t throw accurately. Other examples are Tavaris Jackson and Vince Young. They are extremely athletic but not NFL quarterbacks. I’d take present Joe Montana over him. Let him stand in the pocket and hit receivers like Kurt Warner did last year. Good defenses will pick him apart. I’m not a Vick fan and don’t see much value unless they use him as a running back. Dog fighting aside, I don’t think he’s that good and people get caught up in the hype and his numbers.

By |2010-01-27T19:22:21-05:00August 14th, 2009|Sports|0 Comments
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