We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Like a Glove

This gif is from a story of a 90 year old man going through a car wash at warp speed where he confused the brake and gas. I thought it was funny (he survived and no one was hurt) when I read about it a few days ago but not blog-worthy. However, the geniuses of Reddit merged it with the Ace Ventura “like a glove” and it becomes infinitely funnier. “Have an A1 day…?”

Which one is the brake?

Reddit Comment
I have no clue how people can confuse the pedals. “Whoops, this is not the brake pedal. Better floor it in case it turns out to be the brake pedal after all”.

Where he parked is great.

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-03T15:07:47-04:00January 22nd, 2015|Videos|0 Comments

Who Still Likes the New England Deflatriots?

The report is that 11 or 12 PATRIOT game balls were under-inflated during the AFC championship game. This was checked at halftime and found to be true. Whether or not it was rectified in the 2nd half is unclear. If it was, they blew out the Colts even worse in the 2nd half with normal balls.

Underinflated balls are easier to catch and was noticed when a Colts player intercepted the ball in the first half. In bizzare manner, Patriots staff would have had to take air out of the balls after they were checked 2 hours before the game in some super sneaky way that no cameras caught anything. This is probably easier than you’d think.

Did it alter the outcome of this game? Most likely not. Is it strange? Absolutely. If you are Bill Belichick you have to be shaking your head and asking how did we get caught? The game was 50 degrees so there is no excuse that balls under inflate in the cold. Once again the Patriots test the limits of gamesmanship and will not come out unscathed. I’m still going to bet on them in the SuperBowl.

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-21T13:54:58-05:00January 21st, 2015|Sports|3 Comments

The Plaza Pizza Purge

I rarely get sick. I didn’t miss a day of school from Kindergarten until 12th grade. I got a shitty plaque that said “perfect attendance” which technically could be considered my biggest accomplishment to date. So I’m not a pussy when it comes to illness. That is until I met Plaza Pizza pizza.

I was coming off a non-drinking weekend and feeling good for a Monday. I eat 4 slices of Plaza pizza and left work at 2pm to do some errands. As I was driving in my car I kind of felt a weird feeling in my stomach but didn’t think too much of it. I met CK4 and Nikkii for 1 beer which I drank because that’s what you do when you meet at a bar. I sort of nursed the beer and knew I wasn’t feeling great but still wasn’t sure what was happening.

I drove to my parents and had a case of the runs and that’s when my body went full evacuation. I threw up 5 disgusting heaves of what had to be every morsel or liquid that I’d consumed in the past 12 hours. I felt better after but that was just the start. When I got home I was completely shivering and tried unsuccessfully to sleep. I was woken up in the night a few times for more evacuation until there couldn’t have been any bit of anything in my system.

This brings me to 36 hours past the experience and I’m finally feeling normal again and can intake food. It’s really debilitating when you feel like shit. I could hardly concentrate on anything at work and I understand when people feel ill why life sucks. Either way my body was a full purge and it was a feeling of a system reset which I rarely do.

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-20T21:12:42-05:00January 20th, 2015|My Life|0 Comments

Mike McCarthy Front Runner For Pussy of the Year

Watch Aaron Rodgers post game interview and his mood and answers say all you need to know. “A missed opportunity we’ll probably think about for the rest of our careers.”

It’s only 19 days into the new year and Mike McCarthy, coach of the Green Bay Packers, is feeling supreme heat. Brandon Bostick is the ultimate scapegoat in a situation that was not entirely his fault. 6 plays to rule them all.

How to Lose the Game

With 7 minutes left in the game and the score 19-7, The Packers did this:

(6:53) 44-J.Starks right end to GB 14 for 1 yard
(6:09) 44-J.Starks up the middle to GB 19 for 5 yards
(5:26) 12-A.Rodgers pass incomplete short right to 81-A.Quarless
(5:22) 8-T.Masthay punts 37 yards to SEA 44

On the first play of the next possession Russell Wilson throws an interception. The Packers do this on the ensuing drive:

(5:04) 27-E.Lacy left tackle to GB 39 for -4 yards
(4:57) 27-E.Lacy left tackle to GB 37 for -2 yards
(4:50) 27-E.Lacy up the middle to GB 39 for 2 yards
(4:00) 8-T.Masthay punts 30 yards to SEA 31, Center-61-B.Goode, out of bounds.

When the reporter asked what he thought of this Aaron said, “Not very good.”

Oops.

Notice the shitty punts which didn’t help. This lead to Russell Wilson driving the team down to score quickly with 2:13 left on the clock. Obviously Seattle recovers the onside kick (the one Brandon Bostick botched) and scoring thereafter to take the lead and convert an ABSURD 2 point conversion. Green Bay forced OT but lost on the first possession.

Many horrible events had to take place for this is happen. I don’t even think mentioning the 2 fourth and 1 opportunities in the beginning of the game were that big of a deal. You could argue that Seattle has the best D in the league and they could have stuffed them twice. That was not the focal point of Green Bay’s loss.

Mike McCarthy deserves the blame for the 2 series above. No reason to be this conservative when you have the best offense in the league. One more huge observation: WHY AREN’T YOU THROWING AT RICHARD SHERMAN WHO WAS PLAYING WITH ONE ARM!!!!!!!

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-19T09:53:38-05:00January 19th, 2015|Sports|0 Comments

A Moment of Patriot Triumph

“You are a punk bitch”

This is one of those posts that I write where I’m not complaining or losing. I was effectively sober the entire weekend. It led me to go 2-0 in the football games for a profit of $387. This gives me $687 dollars to bet on the Super Bowl.

$587 of this money is profit. This is what I intend to spend on the Super Bowl. The Patriots are playing the Seahawks and I think it could be the easiest game to pick out of any of the playoffs. Richard Sherman has a broken arm and Brady and crew looked the good sick. Seattle barely squeaked out a win and has to be asking some questions. The mistake of Brandon Bostick, who is on suicide watch, nursed them into the Super Bowl. The Patriots are thirsty for the ring. Easy game.

Did me being effectively sober the entire weekend have something to do with this outcome? More often than not I’m nursing hangovers and whining about poor bets so I suppose there is some possibility. I have much to write about forthcoming but for now we’ll leave on a high note.

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-18T22:23:18-05:00January 18th, 2015|Sports|2 Comments

The New Interactive World

Here is a picture of a celebrity. Can you guess who?

Easy right? Pat yourself on the back. Now can you guess this different female celebrity?

I’d guess 95% of you couldn’t. Not only is the celeb more obscure (she was on 24) but I blurred her 5 more points.

You probably felt good knowing who 1 was and then thought the second one was stupid or a waste of time. PEOPLE LIKE TO FEEL SMART. Most of us don’t want to be challenged. Now the feeling of accomplishment for something difficult is far greater than an easier task. So if you got my 2nd picture, you’d be asking for a 3rd picture of someone even harder. This is the new interactive world.

The Interactive Experience

A long time ago, pre internet, advertising was mainly get your name and product available and people would buy it. There just weren’t that many alternatives and information was scarce. Now, everyone has the internet at their fingertips and just because you put a product in their face doesn’t mean they will by it. Today’s world involves CHALLENGING and INTERACTING.

This idea relates to the first part of this post because interacting and testing a person is the best way to connect. Money is secondary.

Here is an example of first class interaction to achieve perfect harmony. Did you know that the CIA tweets out codes as recruiting methods? They will tweet difficult puzzles and the people who break them get the information to join.

This is much different from interviewing potential recruits because the test is the interview process. This an updated method in the new world. The people on the other end are feeling tested and get the sense of accomplishment when the code is broken. It’s almost tricking them into joining a department they would otherwise never attempt. It’s magic though because it aligns both parties without the old fashioned “job interview” because the recruit is immediately qualified AND INTERESTED.

Practically every line of work has to do with interacting with people. Asking yourself how do I connect with the people I’m involved with should be your #1 question. Challenge them. Educate them. Play with them. Don’t sell them.

Write who this is in the comment section and the first person who answers correctly I will write a check to them for $100 dollars. Reverse image search won’t work.

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-17T11:19:10-05:00January 17th, 2015|My Brain|4 Comments

Mr. Toilet Accessory

My dad is a sales person’s dream. He can be convinced very easily that he needs something and doesn’t think twice about spending money. Amazingly, he is actually his own best salesperson.

Here are pictures of the our bathroom at work. Each day I went in the bathroom there was a new item.

Who wouldn’t need two plungers?

New formula to unclog the drain.

Those are 2 air fresheners and 2 toilet bowl cleaners.

Is this normal? It seems excessive to me. I would think 1 of everything would suffice for a bathroom. I understand multiple rolls of TP because they are usually bought in packs but I’m fairly certain plungers are not sold in duplicates. This translates to far more than just bathroom accessories as well. It’s everything.

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-16T09:24:35-05:00January 16th, 2015|My Brain|1 Comment

Restoring Order

I had a few minor issues with my life over the past few days that needed to be corrected. On Monday night I removed my phone from its charger and fumbled it. The world started moving in slow motion as I started to panic and grab for the descending piece of equipment. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be and it landed straight on the screen. I was praying as I turned it over hoping for no crack but it cracked in about 1,000 spots. I’d take a picture but taking a picture of a phone with the same phone proves challenging.

Last week I wrote a post about my elbow cyst and today was the day I get it checked out. The appointment was at 9:30 so I decided to turn the day into a sales trip for our line of paint scrapers. I was up at 6am and visited 5 stores before I arrived for my appointment. I’ll get more into this in the future but we’ve designed a covering for a scraper that will help it sell at the store level which is actually a talking point when I visit these stores.

The appointment was scheduled with a babe doctor. I whipped out my…elbow and she stuck a needle in it and drained out the fluid. It was only about half drained and the sample was sent to a lab for further review. It was fairly gross.

After getting the elbow looked at I ventured to the mall and found 2 places that would repair the screen. One for $120 and the other for $180. I thought to myself I could negotiate a better deal with Verizon. I had already accomplished this months earlier but I don’t expect this situation to be run of the mill because I have no insurance and they have me in a tough spot with my upgrade being in 2016.

I was also there to replace the jacket that I wear everyday that was lost on Saturday night. I’m a weird person in that I have to have a jacket that I like but won’t pay $300 dollars for. The only one I’ve found is a Jos. A Bank black coat that’s a hundred bucks and nice. I will buy a 3rd same style coat in 2 years.

After all of today I’m still down a coat and have a cracked screen on my phone but have game plans for both. I hate writing posts like this that document my life but they are easy to write and I haven’t had the time to post in a while so this buys me some time.

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-14T20:25:45-05:00January 14th, 2015|My Life|1 Comment

Playoff Pandemonium

After going 4-0 on the first round of NFL Playoff games, I was feeling pretty confident. My $100 dollars made me $250 and I was ready to come out firing. I put $150 down on the Ravens at +7 which won without too much of a worry. Next was the Seattle game and I convinced myself that 13 points was too many which proved incorrect. Fortunately I only put $60 on it so I was ahead for the day.

The next game was the Packers which I was incorrect on for a $75 dollar wager. I bombed back on the Colts for a C-note to put me in the black for 2 straight days. I also should add that the Shee gave me a Terps pick in college bball which covered me for $45. This has me up $390 going into the NCAA championship game. I put $90 on Oregon -7 but I got it at +105. I know nothing about NCAAF so this is a complete dart throw.

The weekend was mildly tame as I didn’t go nuts on Friday. This allowed me to wake up early on Saturday, work out, and feel good for the games. A highlight was after the Shee put his ball 2 ft from the hole on playoff hole #2, I dropped a hole in one. This is Mario Golf mind you. I should have some good posts throughout the week but I’m a little foggy mentally. It will clear up tomorrow.

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-12T20:25:36-05:00January 12th, 2015|My Life|0 Comments

Serenity Now!

I can only think of a few times in my life where I was in perfect harmony. I was in a place of total relaxation and the environment was the cause of the peace of mind. This rarely occurs because it can never happen when I’m working or have the thought of having to work. Also the place is important because it usually won’t happen within your routine.

Key West
This was 2 years ago when my friend, the Rock, and I drove to Key West. I remember waking up on a Saturday morning and heading to the hotel pool. I was lying on a raft in the middle of the pool starring up at the sun. It was a perfect 80 degrees and thought it was paradise. This was prior to getting on a motor scooter for the first time and gripping the accelerator blasting forward into a stop sign.

Roxborough High School Track
Fitting that another time happened on a track considering how many pointless miles have been run without going anywhere. Anyway, it was a snowy day and I decided to go for a run. I was living in Manayunk and the track was only 3/4 of a mile away. When I arrived there was no one on the track and the stadium lights were on. The track had a thin layer of snow and I can’t remember exactly what I did but I’m sure I ran some laps. When I was finished I laid down on my back and looked up at the sky. There was a light snow coming down and I laid there not hot or cold and just felt perfect.

Austrian Alps
This time was on a trip to Austria. I was scared to death to go skiing because I suck and the Alps aren’t a place to learn. At least that’s what I thought. Once I got going it wasn’t so bad and this picture was taken at the top of one of the mountains. It was a perfect day and I felt great being in an atmosphere that some people never get the opportunity to have. It makes me want to go back.

By Tom Stortz|2015-01-10T09:55:21-05:00January 10th, 2015|My Life|0 Comments