We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Baseball and Cycling (and Doping)

Lance Armstrong is the latest dope. Throw in Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon and we’re having a dope party. Does anyone else think that this ruins these sports? Jeff was saying how Lance Armstrong has passed hundreds of drug tests and believes he could be clean. I don’t understand how anyone with true, pure innocence would ever back down, so in my view, he’s guilty. The baseball players are just as bad. They need the juice to be major league players. It skews the game for anyone not using the juice. It’s really not that hard of a choice, use the juice (chance getting caught) and be a major leaguer, or be a Joe Schmoe off of the roster. It’s really that simple.

The problem is the game is completely compromised and in my mind sucks. If you are going to let them juice, let them juice. Let’s see beefed up pitchers and jacked bros cranking dingers. Why the hell not, that’s basically what baseball has become. At least we’d have an even playing field. If you don’t understand that sports are about fulfilling your natural potential and how you compete at that state is what it’s all about, you just don’t get it. Watching 50% of the talented baseball players compete against 50% of the cheaters is horrific and I would never support that ridiculous circumstance. Cycling is even worse because it’s a one person sport. There aren’t nine guys who some of which may be cheating, it’s just you. Cheating makes casual fans hate the sport and enthusiasts make excuses.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T03:22:33-04:00August 27th, 2012|Sports|4 Comments

Emails on the Chain

Who doesn’t read previous text in an email? For instance, I start an email with a friend and we are discussing some event in the future. There is some back and forth and the idea comes along to invite another person. I’ll then put that person on the email chain. Once that person gets that email, they have all the correspondence previously that I guarantee they read 100% of the time and are completely fascinated. Reading information of how other people write to each other is engrossing. It’s like you are being invited to a secret appointment at the pentagon. You’re always thinking in the back of your head that there is some secret information in the previous text that isn’t meant for your eyes.

Now that you know how much people loving reading past text, the best trick is to mess with them. Send some chain about something stupid and then completely forge the would be previous emails. Write how you just banged their girlfriend and how you can’t tell them under any circumstance. There are literally hundreds of ways to fuck with people. I actually never do what I’m writing about but I’ve certainly thought about it. Adam never likes if I just add people to an email chain because he doesn’t like that they can read what he wrote. It’s like an invasion of privacy to him. I think it’s hilarious.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T03:22:40-04:00August 27th, 2012|My Brain|0 Comments

Blog Update

I haven’t had a post in about a week and I think that’s a good thing. I’ve spent some time thinking of different posts that I think are way, way better than the bs I usually write about. For all those that tune in daily, I’m curious to know how the human brain works and why you continue to check back. How long would it take of no posts before you stop checking? My intentions though are to spend some time this weekend and just bust out about 5 entries and unleash them all at the same time. That way you get bombarded by my material and hopefully come out of that experience saying “those were pretty good.”

By Tom Stortz|2012-08-24T11:09:02-04:00August 24th, 2012|My Life|0 Comments

Nothing Doing Part 2

Another night of doing virtually nothing, (aside from watching the pilot of Twin Peaks which I found entertaining and will continue to watch the series) (I also find it funny that the sentence about Twin Peaks could be a clause with commas after nothing and after the last word rather than a parentheses but it seems much easier to just parentheses any thought process I have. I was never taught that this was a correct way of writing but just decided this on my own) I came to the conclusion that people do crazy things out of boredom. How many nights can you just wake up, work, play some basketball, and then bro out. Eventually you’re going to say “I’m tired of this, lets go bong 10 beers and then light piles of shit on Ian McGrath’s parents house.” Doing nothing isn’t satisfying. Doing nothing isn’t living. It’s just wasting time. The sun is the same, in a relative way, but you’re older. Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death. Boredom is perhaps the main reason people do stupid shit. Starvation and drugs probably top the list but boredom can’t be that far behind. Tonight however will be different.

By Tom Stortz|2012-08-17T09:52:18-04:00August 17th, 2012|My Brain|1 Comment

Nothing Doing

There’s honestly nothing going on right now to write about. Jeff returned from New Zealand which is somewhat newsworthy for people inside my family but not for my blog. I’ve been playing basketball a fair amount which isn’t exciting. I haven’t really been doing a whole lot aside from the normal day to day work, play, sleep. My mind isn’t coming up with interesting blog topics because I’m not devoting anytime to thinking about it. Normally things just pop in my head but that hasn’t been happening. It’s a server dry spell and I don’t even care. Readership might be dropping but I don’t think many people read it anyway. If I drop from 8 people reading to 7, I think it’ll be alright.

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-01T23:21:27-04:00August 16th, 2012|My Life|2 Comments

Teddy the Cat

I’m sure everyone has seen this by now but can it really this easy to get over a million views in 2 days! A cat knocks something off a bureau, then yawns, and you refer to him as an asshole? That’s the secret to youtube success. Plus giving an animal a stupid, human name like Teddy is what makes this all the better. If it’s name was nighthawk, there would be no youtube success.

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-03T15:32:17-04:00August 15th, 2012|Videos|0 Comments

Freddie Mercury is Dead!

In a classic question by my Dad while reading a section on Tribute bands in the USA Today Life section, “which one of these guys is Freddie Mercury?” “Freddie Mercury has been dead for 20 years.” “He has?” Now for me this seems like pretty general knowledge that the lead singer from one of the top 25 rock bands of all time died from Aids. How you could have been alive since 1991 and not have had this little tidbit come up is astounding. After thinking about it for a few more moments, I began to think that maybe to someone who has no interest in music this could slip by. If you quizzed me on whether random politicians were dead or alive, I’m sure I’d look like a fool. Ted Kennedy? Yassar Arafat? It’s the same type of perception deal that comes along with most things. Just because you think it’s obvious because you know, doesn’t mean that everyone knows. JC couldn’t give one iota about music. I used iota, which is a very small quantity, because we were playing golf and the word jiffy was used, which is a very short time. To me it’s just one of those things that one of your goals in life is to gather (and retain) as much information as possible. In a sense you could say this post was used to call out my dad, but in reality it’s to point out that we’re all human beings and know things we care about.

By Tom Stortz|2012-08-13T09:19:05-04:00August 13th, 2012|My Life|0 Comments

Come On

This phrase has been sweeping the Stortz household by storm.. I think it actually has moved above Hey Brother in popularity. The great part about it is that you can pretty much use it anytime. Bad ping-pong shots. When the cat doesn’t clean up it’s own poop. Virtually anything. The volume of the come on can also be switched which makes it even funnier. It’s just a fantastic phrase that I can’t really see ever dying.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T03:22:59-04:00August 10th, 2012|My Brain|0 Comments

Seeking a Soulmate

So I found something of extreme interest (at least to me) last night. I was listening to channel 32 the Bridge on Sirius / XM which is a station that generally plays soft rock. The first song I heard was Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce. I recalled that this was the song that Chou was singing in the elevator with Alan which made me laugh a bit. The very next song that The Bridge played was Allentown by Billy Joel. This should ring a bell that this was the song that inspired Stu as he wrote AlanTown for the Hangover 2. After coming to this realization and that there is no way that this could be a coincidence, I wondered how many other people in the world made this connection and how the DJ’s on the Bridge are probably hysterical. After some calculations of listening to the Bridge at that exact moment, having seen the Hangover 2, and then making that oddball connection, it must be single digits, if not me being the only one. This got me thinking that another person in this world who made this connection could be my soul mate. This sort of crazy, screwball logic is what I’m looking for in a female. Someone who can hear back to back songs, on the Bridge mind you, and realize that they were the two songs in the Hangover 2. Forget everything else, that’s my criteria. Finding the obscure among movies and songs and the intricate details that make things awesome.

In further note, Sam made the connection that Shine on You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd was the background music for the Romanian gymnast Sandra Izbasa. At the time I thought this was a pretty good find but as it turns out, tons of other people made the connection as well. The more obscure, the better.

By Tom Stortz|2012-08-08T09:02:48-04:00August 8th, 2012|Music|0 Comments

Tigers and Pandas and Bison OH MY!

Latest Chinese Dog Craze

A new trend has EXPLODED in China’s upper class where people are
transforming their pets into miniature versions of animals or just dye them in
crazy colors. Pandas seem to be a big hit and are obviously their favorite.
This has become a huge industry and people are spending THOUSANDS on
professional hair dyes, salon cuts, accessories… you name it!