We Don't Walk Slow

About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Upper Dublin – Home Sweet Home

This is now the 17th day since I arrived on my 27 day stint in UD. That opening line makes it seem like I’m in rehab in the area but I’m only home until I settle on my house in the city. Being at the house where I grew up has it’s pluses and minuses like any other place. The quiet neighborhood is quite nice and the peaceful nature makes for excellent running at any time of the day. The hour commute to the city is bothersome but not horrific for a mere 27 days (although certainly one of the worst parts). It’s a great place to live if you are looking to settle down, avoid all action, and raise a family. With that being said, I want to give a few specific examples I’ve seen.

I’m going to pull a few lines from Urban Dictionary’s definition of Upper Dublin so outsiders get a clear picture of the stereotype.

Upper Dublin –
A small suburb outside of Philadelphia that’s very estranged from the rest of civilized society. The Jews are rich as hell and get drugs and alcohol to get drunk or high everyday or on the weekends with their parents money. The Asians, all of who are Korean, are just as rich as the whites but they don’t associate with anyone else except for other Asians. All the girls here are either dumb as shit and slutty or ugly and smart as balls and have no personality. There’s lots of drugs. The po9 are always out in full force, but they have no clue. You want zannies? perkaset? weed? hash? pcp? meth? coke? You got it! Come to good ole’ Upper Dublin, home of the flying Cardinals. Ever wonder why it’s the flying cardinals? That’s right-they’re high…

Snippets from Urban Dictionary probably isn’t the most accurate so I’m going to give a few more well thought out observations.

There are far too many police for the amount of crimes committed. I understand that the amount of police negate the crimes but the only action cops get are from people going through a traffic light or high school kids partying.

I’ve never seen a place that has more pointless signs. Anywhere you go will have a sign that explains what is happening or warns you what you should be aware of. It’s like the township has a sign budget that it has to spend so it is constantly looking for new areas to bombard with “don’t txt and drive” signs.

This township has far too much money. The brand new High-School, Police Station, and Fire Station assure that everything is first class. If you had a fire in your backyard, I bet they’s send 9 brand new fire engines and a helicopter to put it out. In the 10 years I’ve been gone, there have been probably hundreds of millions of dollars of tax payers money spent on upgrades to every nook and cranny. They are probably running out of things to spend it on.

Everything else is pretty much the way I remember it. Clean everything and limited action. Miller’s is a nice touch in Hatboro and Mad Mex seems to be a popular spot but it’s nothing wild and crazy. Probably for the best. It’s a good, low key area to stay out of trouble.

By Tom Stortz|2013-09-17T17:55:00-04:00September 17th, 2013|Childhood, My Life|1 Comment

Big Boobed British Bombshells

I’ve stumbled across a type of female who I believe are the hottest on the planet, the big boobed British bombshell. I’ve never been a fan of the rail thin, Victorian Secret, supermodel types even though critics deem them the best looking in the world. After some Barstool pics and some of my own “research”, I’m going to deliver a post that will contain pictures of British models who are the finest females on the planet.

Alice Goodwin – 32E-24-34 – 27 year old glamour model from Stoke-on-Trent, England.

: Bob and weave in the ring.

: Not getting much work done today.

: The underboob is one of the best shots known to man.

: Yeah, I’m done already.

Kelley Hazell – 32F-24-36 – 26 year old English glamour model, former Page Three girl and actress.

: Hard to cover those up

: Disheveled look. Must have gotten run train on.

: A better Britney perhaps?

: Holy airbrush

Jennifer Ellison – 32DD-25-33 – 30 year old English actress, glamour model, television personality, dancer and singer.

: Sultry, Slut Pose

: I’m not sure these dimensions are human

: Corset is pushing those puppies up nicely

: Nothing wrong here

Gemma Atkinson – 36E-24-36 – 28 year old is an English actress, television personality and glamour and lingerie model.

: Finished before it started

: That’s a tight body

: Top Heavy

: That blue bikini is hogging all the fun

Lucy Pinder – 32G-26-34 – 29 year old English model, with natural breasts, known for her appearances in men’s magazines such as Nuts.

: Hot even with clothes on

: Lying on her back takes the weight off

: Words can’t describe

: I’d last under a second

Thank me later.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:23:18-04:00September 16th, 2013|Boobs|0 Comments

Sometimes a Fantasy

Week 2 of fantasy football has come and gone and I’m sitting precisely average. If AJ Green goes off tonight I lose one game but win the other. I’d prefer him to get decapitated on the first play of the game which would mean Chad beats me but I’d take a needed win in Evan’s league. I started last season 1-4 though so 0-2 is nothing to cry about. The hardest thing about fantasy is knowing when you have a guy who’s injured but his reputation makes you want to play him (Fitzgerald). I also went 2-2 on my betting for the weekend which netted -$2.38. Yesterday I didn’t move out of the couch for 9 straight hours. I did watch Breaking Bad and Dexter though.

The weekend was fairly standard with a reasonably tame Friday night that started with terrible service at Mad Mex. Team Primetime dominated another co-ed football game with Bake having a line that was 300 yards, 8 tds and no picks. Saturday was the Floyd Mayweather fight and that proved to be anti-climatic as he just out-boxed Alvarez. I had 30 bucks on Garcia and he was going off at +200 so that proved to be a decent bet. I also played my first game of Can Jam which wasn’t too bad. I stayed up real late on Saturday and wasted all of Sunday. C’est la vie. Rough Monday morning post but it’s something.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:19:04-04:00September 16th, 2013|My Life|0 Comments

Miley’s Definitely a Wrecking Ball

How could I not blog about the new Miley Cryus Video? The video set a new record with 44 million views in a 24 hour period on Youtube. Not to mention the 72 million views it’s acquired in a 4 day period. To make matters better/worse, it has 600,000 likes to 300,000 dislikes which has to be close to a record of dislikes for a video. The video itself also symbolizes everything that is right/wrong with our society.

I think a good comparison to this video is Katy Perry’s Roar which was released a mere 8 days ago.

Katy has “only” had 55 million views but a remarkable 668,000 likes compared to only 38,000 dislikes. The two videos are remarkably different and the results will speak for themselves. In one corner you have Miley slutting it up in Wrecking Ball compared to a gorgeous, inspiring Perry singing a mediocre song. Two complete polar opposites competing for market share. After the whorish VMA performance , she followed up with an equally whorish video of licking a sledge hammer and straddling a wrecking ball wearing virtually nothing at all. Katy used her pristine, uplifting image to produce another hit and well produced video to add to her arsenal. What do we make of all this?

All things considered, Miley’s video wouldn’t even have made it to the airwaves 10 years ago so to see a naked 20 year old hanging from a wrecking ball singing is a bit shocking. She comments on the video, “if people can take their minds off the obvious and go into their imagination and see what the video really means, it is so vulnerable. … If you look at my eyes, I look more sad than actually my voice sounds on the record. It was a lot harder to actually do the video than it was to even record the song. It was much more of an emotional experience.” Right. Please click the right link for full effect.

I’m sorry but any time you perform dressed as a whore, people are going to treat you like one. There are no messages that come out of a whore’s mouth other than how to stay away from STD’s. She has gone off the deep end with this video and it does seem like a cry for attention which has been whisked away due to being forced into a demographic that has a mind that can comprehend something other than a Disney skit. Even so, Miley made “the Climb” to the fastest/most viewed video of all time and that is a GRAND GRAND GRAND accomplishment. There is no sarcasm whatsoever in that last statement because that task is nearly impossible for the average person. What she’s done is concentrated on negative/wacky antics that create publicity and people actually care if she were to take a shit. She’s grown to a height that is unapproachable to nearly everyone. Whether that is her goal, I’m not sure but it’s still pretty impressive. Lesson to take out of it, America loves a slut.

I’m not even sure it’s worth going into Roar as I think it’s secondary but she looks damn good from 2:15 on. The video probably cost a fortune to produce but I’m sure it was well spent.

Miley getting used to hanging balls.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:23:37-04:00September 13th, 2013|Music|4 Comments

Getting Pissed Over Misleading Information

We do some business overseas and I have to pay in Euros about 3 times a month. This has me watching the USD / EUR exchange rate with a decent amount of frequency. I asked my broker what his outlook was on the dollar. He responded with this:

“The dollar did get a bounce when the President announced he wanted to strike Syria but now that this Russian disarmament plan seems to be gathering some momentum, the dollar has started to slip back. The next few weeks will be crucial for where the dollar goes for the rest of the year. There will be much debate in Congress about the budget and debt ceiling again which will likely weaken the dollar’s position. Tough to know where this is headed but I’d encourage you to pay sooner rather than later. Wish I could be more definitive with the outlook but given all the variables it is nearly impossible to know where this is heading.”

The reason I title this post the way I did is because I could easily take his word for gospel and hold him to it. He’s saying the dollar will weaken over time and it’s best to pay now before it goes up. If the reverse happens, I can act like a total a-hole and bitch and moan about how he gave me bad advice. This is why so many companies are told to never give out any type of persuasive guidance. It only gets them in trouble. I understand this and won’t ever hold a person responsible for bad information because I still have the chance to make the decision to follow it.

There are plenty of people in this world who take people at their word and then get upset when it doesn’t happen that way. A key to life is being able to adapt and understand when a circumstance doesn’t have one exact right answer. That nobody has a crystal ball and can predict the future. Even sure things sometimes aren’t sure. When the bartender at Fireside said the song “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin was in Dirty Dancing, she said she knew the answer. The answer was Top Gun. When I say that Cam Newton is a better fantasy player than Peyton Manning and then Manning goes off for 7 TD’s, I look like an idiot. Knowing when recommended information is right and wrong is usually not an exact science and smart people are able to know when to trust what they hear and when to go against the grain. Getting upset at someone for giving you wrong information makes you a dick because you were dumb enough to follow it.

By Tom Stortz|2013-09-12T16:20:19-04:00September 12th, 2013|My Brain|3 Comments

The Iphone 5C and 5S Failure

“If Apple and Samsung had swapped product lines, but everything else was the same, would anyone buy the upgraded iPhone?” – Derek Woods

What a turd sandwich looks like.

I read an article today in the Journal that described the new Apple 5S and 5C.

“The company’s new flagship iPhone, the 5S, includes a faster processor and a new fingerprint scanner, but retains the same basic form as previous models. In a first, Apple added a second model to its lineup called the 5C—priced at $99 with a service contract—that repackages much of the technology in its previous-generation iPhone 5 in a new colorful polycarbonate case.”

This is an especially tenuous time for Apple because after the death of Steve Jobs 2 years ago, they have been losing market share to rivals. They decided that a new color scheme was a significant upgrade.

“Once the world’s top smartphone maker by unit shipments, the iPhone’s sales now account for 19% of the market, while Samsung represents nearly 32%, according to Gartner research.”

I dislike Apple for varying reasons but this upgrade has me shaking my head.

“The iPhone 5C is effectively last year’s iPhone with a larger battery and an array of new plastic casings, instead of the aluminum casings of its predecessor. The 5C will come in five colors—green, white, blue, pink and yellow—and have a 4-inch display. Mr. Schiller, the keeper of Apple’s high-end brand positioning, avoided calling the iPhone cheap or inexpensive, and didn’t say what the “C” stood for. Apple’s website offered a possible hint, saying the 5C is “for the colorful.”

What idiot buys a new phone because of the color? Apple rubs me the wrong way for a few reasons. My feeling is that people who use Apple become fanboys and then laugh at anyone else who doesn’t use Apple products. Windows users are neanderthals and if you don’t have an Iphone you live in the stone age. There’s no doubt about it that the Iphone pioneered the smartphone but times have changed. I believe Apple is the only company that uses the iOS platform whereas there are many developers that use Android. Here’s a graph of global sales of platforms that smartphones run off of.

Android users are the majority in a global environment

Note to iOS users, there are more people doing more things with Android phones. In my personal life everything that I use I’m comfortable with and it involves no Apple products. Windows caters to my simplistic needs of internet, business software, and word processing. My music plays cheaply on Spotify without the choppiest interface I’ve ever used in Itunes. My Galaxy 3 is equivalent to an Iphone. I feel no need to support the biggest company in the world because it feeds off of convincing people that they need upgrades. To add to the money hungry, do people seriously still pay $1.29 per song on Itunes?

Google lets me search for free and allows me to gain any information I want at my fingertips. This excites me and enhances my life. I want to give back to something I like. Using Google on an Iphone is like a slap in the face. All Apple asks for is money in order to give expensive access to cheesy games and nauseating communication functions. With this latest mistake from Apple and their overpriced 5S, I hope that we start to see a slow death spiral of Apple. Let’s see how fast people jump ship once it’s not the “hot” phone to own.

Apples shares dipped 5% after this post was published.

By Tom Stortz|2013-09-11T22:23:41-04:00September 11th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

Chip and Andy

Blubber vs Brains

I was delighted last night watching the Eagles game. It was a breath of fresh air to see an offense actually score the ball compared to what Birds fans were accustomed to over the past 2 years. It’s exciting for not just Eagles fans but the entire NFL. I think it’s fair to say this style isn’t exactly foolproof considering how flat they were for the 2nd half but the bottom line is that the offense worked better than anything I’ve ever seen with Andy Reid. They were almost Patriot effective. Every play seemingly went for yards and it looked unstoppable. Shady, DeSean, and Vick are going to be tough to stop and Chip Kelly is the madman behind this experiment.

On the other side of the coin, Big Red held the Jags to a deuce and methodically beat a piss poor team with quality defense and spurts of offense. I think Alex Smith will fit Andy’s coaching because the cautious, boring approach appeals to both of them. Alex Smith averaged 8 yards per pass and Jamaal only got 16 carries for the game. This is typical Andy only giving your best player 16 chances to run the ball. Shady had 31 in case you weren’t counting. Dwayne Bowe, the Chiefs best wide out, was bored with 4 catches and 30 yards which is also typical Andy stats. Andy can win football games if you buy into his game plan and the Eagles stopped doing so the last two years. Will Andy be successful with the Chiefs? They already are only 1 win behind their total wins of last year so I’d say that’s a start.

Is it fair to compare Andy and Chip? No, it’s not. Chip has 1 game under his belt and even though it looked like something the league hasn’t seen, they will develop strategies to slow it down. The simple fake of the injury the Redskins were pulling was the best quick thought approach last night and it was effective in slowing down the game. You can be sure other teams will do better once they decide how they want to combat it. Chip’s style surprised the Skins and they were caught off guard the entire first half. Andy’s style proved successful due to all of those years with the Birds and he knows what it’s like to win football games. I think his method is tired (and tried) and true whereas Chips is explosive and volatile. Nevertheless, going from one to the next is like night and day. Should be a fun 2013 Eagles season and I’m sure the Chiefs will be better too.

By Tom Stortz|2013-09-10T16:24:44-04:00September 10th, 2013|Sports|3 Comments

Ylvis – What the Fox Say

I came across this video from a friend who shared it on Facebook and thought it was post worthy. I don’t think I find what other people find interesting about this video though. My initial thought is that people will find the video funny because “what the hell does a fox say” is an interesting thought. They’ll get comedic value out of all the odd sounds and funny dances for what a fox may say. For me it’s more along the lines of, “why are guys from Norway, making a song in English, with high production value about the sound that a fox makes.” Obviously America is the biggest opportunity in terms of benefiting financially from something unique. I get that, but the term “selling out” strikes me as something Europeans wouldn’t exactly be proud of. Plus the name of the group (or guy) is Ylvis which I have to think is pronounced similar to Elvis. Which makes the whole Americanization thing maybe a joke in itself. Which would mean we are getting completely mocked and he is trying to show how stupid Americans are and considering it’s gotten 14 million views, I’d say he’s right.

By Tom Stortz|2013-09-10T08:40:02-04:00September 10th, 2013|Music|0 Comments

A Roaring Applause – Gaga vs Katy

Along with Taylor Swift and Rihanna, there are not 2 more popular pop stars than Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. Being perfectly honest, I have no problem with either of their music. I’m sure your typical adult macho male would say you play for the other team if you enjoy their music. My thoughts are that not only are they talented but they work with some of the strongest people in the industry and if they can’t produce decent music with that team, there is something wrong. I’ll fully admit the lyrics of these songs are borderline bad but simple lends itself to the people. The masses need a catchy hook and lyrics that they can relate to. Both of these artists do this wonderfully. I think it’s worth a look to break down the latest singles from each artist and give my opinion.

Applause and Roar both came out the same week and serve as a good comparison. To date, Applause has 44 million views on youtube compared to 34 million for Roar. The official videos haven’t been released but those stats are from the 1st search result. Gaga’s applause has 8 million listens on Spotify and Roar has gotten 9 million. Perry has about 1 million more followers on Spotify. I’d say that it’s difficult to pick a clear cut winner of the two comparing listens. Even their Twitter stats are remarkably close with Gaga having 42 million and Perry with 40. Taylor Swift has amassed 33 while Rhianna has 30 to put things in perspective of how big these two women are. Judging by the stats, this battle is too close to call. The more important indicator is how good is the actual song.

The one separator for me is how long it takes me to get sick of the song. For me this is easy, I give Applause a clear nod. The beat is better and I find the lyrics to be clever. I like the idea of “I live on the applause” because it gets the fans feeling good about what they are doing. Perry’s Roar is a Sara Bareilles knock off of Brave. I don’t detract this from her song but I’m tired of the empowerment schtick. “I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR.” Same shit as Firework. I think I listened to it total of 3 times and have no interest to hear it again. The beat dropping on Applause makes the song head and shoulders above Roar. It’s more upbeat and a better song in whole. In a close battle between two mega stars, Gaga wins this round.

I think we have to give Katy a big advantage in the sex appeal though. 2 big reasons specifically. I actually don’t like black hair woman but I’m enamored with Katy. Gaga does absolutely nothing for me. I do find her eccentric behavior refreshing though because she knows exactly what’s she doing by being so bizarre.

Gaga and Katy W/O Makeup

Solid 6

Touched Up

Makeup makes a difference.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:23:33-04:00September 6th, 2013|Music|0 Comments

McKayla Maroney Should Represent All That’s Right In America

My jaw dropped when I saw this picture of McKayla Maroney. I tried to embed the tweet but it wouldn’t let me so I took a screen shot it and posted it which I’m sure is completely illegal. I know this girl is only 17 (4 months to go) but what a fine fox. You’re telling me that not only is she this damn attractive but she’s also THE 2ND BEST VAULTER IN THE WORLD! Looks and talent oozing out of her. She was a god send to this obese and pathetic society of Americans. She should represent our country in every single international matter. We are bombing Syria? Let McKayla inform them. I’d listen to anything she said intently. She is owning Twitter, Instagram, and Keek (like I watch her videos…) right now. I’m well aware this is probably creep status but at this point I don’t even care. This post has my best chance of getting views because this girl is on another level. Barstool refers to her as “bitchface” and I’ve considered boycotting the site because it’s so offensive to something so awesome. If she ran for office, I’d vote for her even if her policies were to exterminate all human beings. Mr & Mrs. Maroney, please have more children.

By Tom Stortz|2013-09-05T13:34:24-04:00September 5th, 2013|Sports|0 Comments