We Don't Walk Slow

31 Jul, 2013

Leaving the Scene of a Car Accident

By Tom Stortz|2013-08-12T12:46:10-04:00July 31st, 2013|My Life|0 Comments

Is it illegal to leave the scene of a car accident if you weren’t involved and no one was hurt?

It is illegal to leave the scene of an accident without providing full and accurate contact information. If the police are called, you need to wait for them to allow you to leave. Leaving can result in criminal charges.

For a minor accident, with no injuries and no damage other than to the cars themselves, you can exchange information and agree with the other driver to file a police report.

I’m leaving my apartment ready to get something to eat from WaWa (the turkey club is delicious) and I decide to drive through 4th street and pick up Delaware Ave on Race instead of making a U turn to get to Spring Garden and hitting it there which is my norm. That decision turned out to be costly. I get up to 4th and Callowhill and there is a small green car next to me that guns it while the light is still red (it turns green momentarily). He’s driving way too fast for this road and I’m trailing behind him when all of a sudden there is a blind cross street that from past experience I know is dangerous. The black wagon starts creeping up (he can’t see fully down the one way street) and finally decides to drive straight across 4th where Maniac McGee is flying. Maniac sees the black car but by then it was too late as he slams on his brakes and I’m watching from behind maybe 20 feet. Green car’s brakes don’t stop on a dime and he t-bones the wagon. Considering I haven’t seen many accidents I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of casualties of war.

Both airbags went off and I was the first person at the scene of the accident. The green car guy gets out and I ask if he’s OK and he was fine. He seemed like a foreigner but it’s hard to tell. As we approach the wagon I can see both air bags are deployed and the driver was making an effort to open his crunched door. A female gets out of the passenger side and appears to be alright. The driver soon gets out and has a stream of blood coming from what I thought was his nose but might have been a cut on his forehead. I run into the restaurant and get the guy some napkins. He didn’t say much and neither did anyone else. I could tell he was pissed but he didn’t erupt. More people started crowding around and I wasn’t sure what to do. Everyone was relatively fine, the cars had some damage and the authorities had been called. I wasn’t sure if I should have stayed or left.

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30 Jul, 2013

Gone in a Flash

By Tom Stortz|2013-08-12T12:47:36-04:00July 30th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

I was hit by two products today that will go by the way side in the future. It’s weird because you know it’s happening but you don’t see it happening unless you look at it from this perspective. 25 years from now the children won’t know what digital cameras and cars that run on gas are.

Stand Alone Camera

Do you children even know what a Polaroid is?

Do you people even know what a Polaroid is?

The smart phone has killed the digital camera. Why buy a completely separate camera when your phone takes pictures that are just as good? The completely specialized 1,000,000x zoom Nikon’s will always have a place in the professional world but the common folk who want a picture are satisfied with a still from their phone. Technology will continue to enhance this process making files smaller and pictures clearer. The worst part about it is that the visual technology doesn’t last more than a year or two before it becomes obsolete. Your phone takes good pictures for 2013 but won’t for 2015. It’s a constant nut shot. In 2025, I wouldn’t be surprised if we start blinking and taking pictures.

Just to add a little caveat to this section, I can’t stand people at concerts who hold their phones up to take pictures constantly. You’re at the concert, enjoy the concert. The fact that you want to take a picture to show your friends that you were at the concert proves how much of a phony you are. If you do this, you have been warned that it’s not a good look. A few are fine, recording a 3 hour concert is crossing the line.

Electric Car

Kids in 2025 will think we are dinosaurs with the way we got around off of gas. Since 2008, a renaissance in electric vehicle manufacturing has occurred due to advances in battery and power management technologies, concerns about increasing oil prices, and the need to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. Main drawbacks include the cost of electric vehicles, the lack of recharging infrastructure (other than home charging) and the driver’s fear of the batteries running out of energy before reaching their destination (range anxiety) due to the limited range of most existing electric cars. As of now, the higher initial cost of an electric car is not enough to offset the gas savings. This will change though as mass production of cars and batteries begins to counter this set back. It’s only a matter of time before gas stations become charging units. Oil companies will lobby extensively against this but it’s inevitable.

A few other examples:

: Drive in – Easy pussy

: Tape Recorder – Overwriting was a drag.

: VHS – Who remembers Beta?

: Catapult – Freaking Gunpowder

29 Jul, 2013

Jennifer Aniston Sucks

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:23:53-04:00July 29th, 2013|Celeb|1 Comment

Truth.

Jennifer Aniston obviously has good qualities like perfect hair, gorgeous face, and smoking body but she still completely sucks. I can’t quite lay my finger on it but I think it’s that she gets all these great roles and is borderline average time after time. She was fine in Friends because she didn’t have the lead and that role fit her better because she was out of the way. She steals the show as a side piece and makes you want to jump out of a building when she’s constantly getting the attention and talking. All the press on her personal life also makes me dislike her more. I really don’t care whoever she’s banging and if she wasn’t so damn pretty the rest of the world wouldn’t either. Producers should use her as they did with Jessica Simpson in Employee of the Month. If you’ve seen that movie you’ll know that they limited her speaking roles as much as possible.

: Staring contest initiated.

: Prettiest hair alive

: Sexy glasses

: Love the tie.

So it doesn’t seem like I’m just making a post to knock Aniston and find a reason to make a gallery with her hottest photos, I’m going to list the movies of her’s that I’ve seen and throw the grade down next to each movie. The first letter will be the grade of the movie and the second her acting in it. My thought is that she lacks emotion and I never come out of her movies like she was trying. She was great in Horrible Bosses as a slut and I think that must be the role she was born to play. See trailer below to back up this point.

Office Space – A, C
The Good Girl – B, B
Bruce Almighty – B-, C
Along Came Polly – C, D
The Break-up – D, E
Horrible Bosses – D, A

This upcoming movie looks even worse than anything she’s ever done. That stripping scene though probably is worth the cost of admission.

26 Jul, 2013

Offensive NFL All-Con Team

By Tom Stortz|2013-07-26T17:41:55-04:00July 26th, 2013|Sports|2 Comments

You don’t make this list on talent alone. Just because you got pulled over one time and you’re All Pro isn’t going to qualify you because that’s far too easy to compile. This list considers the degree of talent AS WELL AS how stupid and how many times you’ve been stupid. With that, I present to you the NFL’s All Con Team. All info I receive is from the website Wikipedia which I assume will save me from all copyright issues. I hope not to land on this list…

QB – Michael Vick

It’s surprising but not many QB’s get into much trouble. Vick will lead this team because I didn’t think Dante Culpepper’s incident with the Minnesota Viking Party Boat compared to the dog fighting scandal. He’s not that great of a QB considering he’s only thrown for 3,000 yards twice in his career and is known more for his legs and losing in the playoffs. If we opened this up to his brother Marcus Vick, I’m sure we’d have much more dirt than a dog fighting scandal.

RB – Cedric Benson –

Cedie has had 3 1,000 yard seasons as a RB but his arrests allow him to make this team. We’ll move to list format for these because they are hilarious.
– Before the start of the 2008 season, Benson was arrested for allegedly operating a boat while intoxicated and resisting arrest. “I’m not handcuffed. I’m not under arrest. I’m not threatening him. I’m not pushing him. I’m not touching him. And he sprays me right in the eye.”
– Benson was arrested for driving while intoxicated in Austin on June 7, 2008. Benson has denied the police officers’ allegations, and insisted that he ‘aced’ the field test
– On June 29, 2010, Benson was arrested for assault with injury after reportedly punching a bartender in the face
– On July 17, 2011, Benson was arrested in Austin, Texas for a misdemeanor charge of assault causing bodily injury to a family member.
– On January 23, 2013 it was disclosed that Benson was charged with having animals run without control, and ticketed in December 2012 and again in January 2013 by Manitowoc County, WI authorities. Court appearances will happen in January and February 2013. Benson was also cited for driving 41 miles over the speed limit on January 1, 2013

RB – Marshawn Lynch

Marshawn has given new meaning to the term “beast mode” and has one of the most amazing runs in NFL playoff history. He has an affinity for Skittles, grills (the mouth kind) and Applebee’s. Let’s also not forget DUI’s, guns, and car accidents. Back to list mode.
– 5/31/2008, his 2008 Porsche Cayenne SUV hit a 27-year-old woman and kept going. The woman suffered a bruised hip and cut on her thigh requiring seven stitches. Charges was dropped because the female was dancing in the street and was not seriously injured.
– 2/11/2009, Arrested on felony gun charge in Culver City, Calif., after police discovered his loaded firearm in vehicle.
– 7/14/2012, Arrested on suspicion of DUI in Alameda County in Northern California.

RB – OJ Simpson

Everyone is familiar with the murdering he’s gotten away with so let’s actually focus on football for a change.
At USC, Simpson led the nation in rushing in 1967 when he ran for 1,451 yards and scored 11 touchdowns. He also led the nation in rushing the next year with 355 carries for 1,709 yards. In 1968, he rushed for 1,709 yards and 22 touchdowns, earning the Heisman Trophy, the Maxwell Award, and the Walter Camp Award that year. His pro career was just as impressive as he gained 11,236 rushing yards, placing him 2nd on the NFL’s all-time rushing list when he retired; he now stands at 18th. He was named NFL Player of the Year in 1973, and played in six Pro Bowls. He was the only player in NFL history to rush for over 2,000 yards in a 14 game season and he’s the only player to rush for over 200 yards in six different games in his career. Simpson was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1985, his first year of eligibility.

WR – Plaxico Burress

Plax is an above average WR but the way he found himself in jail is what sets him apart. On November 28, 2008, Burress suffered an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound to the right thigh in the New York City nightclub LQ in the Lexington in NYC owned by GM Jim Marino when his Glock pistol, tucked in the waistband of his sweatpants, began sliding down his leg; apparently in reaching for the gun he inadvertently depressed the trigger, causing the gun to fire. Can someone please explain how you get into a club wearing sweatpants?

WR – Kenny Britt

Kenny is a good player that never plays. Whether it be injuries or run ins with the law, he has a far greater reputation as a bad boy than he does with his skills. He makes this team strictly for his arrests, which are many. “I’ll be the first to admit I got caught in some difficult circumstances, and made some bad decisions in my past, but all that changed me as a person, and I learned from it and got stronger from it.” 2011 was a rough year but look on the bright side, nothing in 2013. I’m expecting big things from my man Kenny who holds great value in late rounds of fantasy drafts.
– 1/15/2010, Arrested on three outstanding traffic warrants after being pulled over in Glen Ridge, N.J.
– 8/4/2010, misdemeanor citation in Nashville for driving on a revoked license. He was pulled over for having the window tinting too dark on his Chevy Camaro.
– 2/9/2011, Criminal complaint filed against him alleging theft by deception. He allegedly failed his pledge to pay two bail bonds companies for friend arrested in January 2010.
– 4/12/2011, Arrested in New Jersey after car chase with police. Charged with felony: eluding an officer.
– 6/8/2011, Arrested in New Jersey on two counts of resisting arrest. He allegedly tried to conceal a marijuana cigar from police, just a day after pleading guilty to careless driving in April.
– 7/20/2012, Arrested and charged with DUI as he attempted to pass through a security gate at the Fort Campbell Army base, Fort Campbell, Ky.

TE – Aaron Hernandez

This ongoing investigation for the murder of Odin Lloyd will find Aaron Hernandez guilty of murder on multiple accounts. HE’S HOLDING A GUN! I have a made previous posts about this here and here and he definitely did it. He was actually a very good tight end in his short lived career. Oddly, TE’s are fairly well behaved and he tops the list for being current. He’s also being looked at for a 2012 double homicide that he’s linked to and also a 2013 Florida shooting where he shot someone’s eye out. In 2007, while at Flordia College, he was also in a bar fight where he was underage and left without paying the check. The bouncer disputed the check and Hernandez punched him in the back of the head. Not a good guy here.

K – Sebastian Janikowski

The Oakland Raiders are the team to play on if you have legal troubles. They were NWA’s favorite team and Al Davis was notorious for wanting the meanest, baddest players who have the most trouble abiding by the rules. C-Bass fits in as the strongest legged kicker in the game. I’ll always take him on my fantasy team.
– 9/20/2003, arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor assault, misdemeanor vandalism and public drunkenness after an altercation at a Walnut Creek nightclub.
– 10/2/2002, charged with one count of felony possession of a controlled substance after being found with a designer drug during a police sweep.
– 6/21/2000, cited for two misdemeanor counts of drunken driving in Oakland.

So there you have it. I’ll have a defensive list coming in the next few days. A few people I missed were Julian Edelman, Brandon Marshall, Michael Irvin, Randy Moss, Terry Glenn, Vincent Jackson, and Ricky Williams… Who’d you like to see?

26 Jul, 2013

OJ Is Always Relevant

By Tom Stortz|2013-07-26T12:01:48-04:00July 26th, 2013|Celeb|1 Comment

Fox News – OJ has spent the last 5 years in a correctional facility for his attempted “theft” of sports memorabilia. His charges were criminal conspiracy, kidnapping, assault, robbery, and using a deadly weapon. On December 5, 2008, Simpson was sentenced to a total of thirty-three years in prison with the possibility of parole after about nine years, in 2017. This news story was 5 years after the incident and OJ expressing regret constitutes front page news. I particularly loved that he is described as an “upstanding inmate who earns pennies an hour keeping gym equipment sanitized and umpiring and coaching games in the prison yard.” I feel for OJ.

I read the book called, IF I Did It, which is a hypothetical confession. The rights were given to the Goldman family but it was written by OJ and supposedly the truth. The foreword by the Goldman family was boring and unnecessary. The following chapters, written by OJ, were the meat and potatoes and a page turning affair. He obviously described himself as a caring husband who did nothing but golf (it’s ridiculous how much golf he played) and Nicole as a drug crazed, psychotic woman. I found this to be honest. The description of the murder was detailed, except for the actual murdering, as he invented a second character called Eddie and used the “I blacked out” during what happened excuse. I concluded that it must have been Eddie that did the murders from this books viewpoint except that OJ never even draws that conclusion at any point. The book is basically a confession because I’m fairly certain Eddie didn’t exist. The description of the Bronco chase was interesting too because he had planned to kill himself at some point and was so enraged with what the media was reporting about him that he changed his mind because they were all lies. He was heavily on medication during that time period and basically lived the aftermath of the murders on drugs. It was a captivating read, at least OJ’s story told by him. Everything else was unreadable.

I thought the book was a realistic, truthful representation of the way OJ felt things unfolded. I believe that 95% of what he wrote in that book was legit and he did make it seem like Nicole was a screwball on drugs such as coke. Obviously I couldn’t ever say that she should be killed for being a woman on drugs but OJ was dealing with an emotional, unstable female – his description. He made it quite apparent how many times she went back and forth on whether they should be together or apart. They divorced at one point and then were making efforts trying to get back together constantly which was odd. She’d call him at all hours talking about her boyfriends and other nonsensical issues. How it got to the point of killing 2 people is where the OJ fascination lies. He should have been found guilty at that trial because he definitely did it. As so, he should still be, and is, behind bars but his side of the story makes him come off as a guy who made one itsy bitsy mistake, killing 2 people. We can all relate, no?

25 Jul, 2013

Televangelists Lie, Cheat, and Steal

By Tom Stortz|2013-07-25T11:12:33-04:00July 25th, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

Evan sent me this video which is pretty humorous. It makes me think how even though the preachers are insane, the people who believe them are even nuttier. A sadder thought is that all of these evangelists are bad people. Wikipedia has 33 references to evangelist scandals. They are the scum of the Earth.

I was watching a program called “80’s – The Decade That Made Us”, and it had a story about televangelists Jim and Tammy Bakker, who used the donations from their followers to build a theme park and village which was completely extravagant and over the top. They had the biggest religious based TV network and following at the time. Their controversy arises when another evangelist, Jimmy Swaggert, found out that Jim had an affair with Jessica Hahn (adultery is a no-no) and this caused his world to come crashing down. To add extra buzz to the story, it was found out that Swaggert had hired prostitutes which is also frowned upon. Here are some great quotes from both parties.

Jim Bakker – “The more I studied the Bible, however, I had to admit that the prosperity message did not line up with the tenor of Scripture. My heart was crushed to think that I led so many people astray. I was appalled that I could have been so wrong, and I was deeply grateful that God had not struck me dead as a false prophet.”

Jim Swaggert – “I have sinned against You, my Lord, and I would ask that Your Precious Blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgetfulness, not to be remembered against me anymore.” Clip of him crying.

Stories like these are what make me question everything that has to do with religion. These televangelists preach themselves as people of god, but they are really slimy, underhanded, lying, cheating, individuals who make a lot of money for themselves off of the stupidity of their followers. It’s hard enough in this world as it is, people acting like good people and taking advantage of loyalty should be punishable by death. That’s all we need, truth.

23 Jul, 2013

Stigma, Stages, and Steroids

By Tom Stortz|2013-07-23T14:00:34-04:00July 23rd, 2013|Celeb, Sports|2 Comments

Rudy Gay Can’t See

Yahoo Sports – This great story comes from Rudy Gay who has a phobia of putting things in his eyes and swallowing pills. This off season he got Lasik to correct a stigma in his left eye. I don’t know if I’m relieved that Gay can see again or mesmerized that he was as good as he was with bad eye sight. Rudy Gay on his vision problems: ‘It was terrible. I could hardly get my license’. You shoot 3 pointers for a living and you can’t see the rim? He is going to make 37 million dollars over the next two years and he got that contract with the inability to see properly. Unbelievable. He’s not a sniper by any means shooting 45% from the floor and a mediocre 34% from downtown for his career but this is remarkable considering this story. Who else wants to bet Rudy becomes a top 10 player next year?

Zimmerman Stages Becoming a Hero

USA Today – George Zimmerman helped rescue a family from an overturned SUV four days after the verdict, the Seminole County Sheriff’s Office said in a statement Monday. I knew this guy was a hero! How on Earth does this happen? A man whose reputation will forever be tarnished has all of a sudden AGAIN taking on the role of a hero. I swear this wasn’t by accident. Zimmerman has probably been scheming of ways to fall back into society’s good graces and this is just the start. I expect him to start saving children from disease, erecting shelters, and feeding all of Africa. Anyone else believe this news story?

Ryan Braun Made a Huge Mistake

Roids?

USA Today – Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun has been suspended without pay for the rest of the season, a 65-game ban announced Monday by Major League Baseball in what appears to be the first salvo in the league’s fight against players allegedly tied to the Biogenesis lab. One thing should not be forgotten and this is if you cheat, you will get caught. Even if you don’t get caught, you won’t be able to live with cheating. Ryan Braun should be kicked out of baseball. He did the #1 thing that you shouldn’t do once you get caught and that is lie. People forgive you if you tell the truth, they hate you if you lie. Liars don’t deserve a second chance because it’s actually their 3rd chance. The first chance is not cheating, the 2nd is coming clean when you get caught. Stories like this and Lance, Gay, Bonds, and the rest of them are sad for sports and sadder for mankind. You are a disappointing role model and you should be whisked away into oblivion never to be heard of again.

22 Jul, 2013

Old Time Ads

By Tom Stortz|2013-07-23T15:42:55-04:00July 22nd, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

I really would have liked to be around for these days. Now it’s all about equality and fairness. How has America gotten to be such a pussy nation?

Back to the kitchen!

Doubling meaning?

What ad agency thought this was smart?

I can’t believe it either!

22 Jul, 2013

Kenny G Spotify

By Tom Stortz|2013-07-22T08:56:44-04:00July 22nd, 2013|My Life|1 Comment

I don’t have much cooking for this post other than the creative title. I always think to myself that I shouldn’t have to mention that this isn’t going to be a good post but without this sentence there would hardly be any content. I played two rounds of golf this weekend and the Friday round was about as good as it gets. I was in recovery from two days of drinking on the Sunday round and that isn’t ideal. Saturday was also a fun day that started early and finished late which is why Sunday wasn’t tip top. All of this combines to not much blog posting and my brain not producing many interesting topics to write about. This however won’t last and I should be back on my game starting tomorrow. Possibly even tonight.

18 Jul, 2013

The American Dream – You Have To Be Asleep To Believe It

By Tom Stortz|2013-07-18T16:32:02-04:00July 18th, 2013|Celeb, Videos|0 Comments

George Carlin told it how it is and I couldn’t agree more. Sadly, with my limited experience, other places on this globe are way worse off. I feel the way that George Carlin feels but I also fall into the category that I”m stupid enough to be content with everything. Am I supposed to start a crusade against big business? Join the Occupy Wall Street protest? The rich get richer and the poor keep taking it up the ass. That’s how it works and it won’t change during our lifetime. How can you possibly justify a CEO of a company making 25 million dollars? How does Victor Cruz complain that he should be paid more than his 41 million dollars over 4 years? He’s not even the guy making the big bucks?! The owners and company’s involved are the people making the money. It is an unfair world we live in where work doesn’t equate to a standardized wage. There is no equality whatsoever in America yet that’s what our country preaches. Don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining.