Right on Target

So just as I was about to sit down and write a “real” post I went to take a piss. I don’t really consider anything from the last couple days real because there’s no real thought put into the post, it’s just me recapping me being a retard. Anyway, I go to piss and when guys piss they have two streams that meet up together to form one single ray. I know to girls this is probably a well kept secret but I think, and with no science behind this, a guy has two streams so he when he busts a nut into a girl, the sperm form a “V” so it goes up the girls tubes and reaches the egg. When I went to piss just a minute ago the one hit the back right of the toilet bowl and the other hit my left sock (I was wearing sandals). When you realize this is happening you just have to push a bit harder and the streams align but I was completely caught off guard and figured I’d share just so if it ever happens to you, you won’t feel left out. I also want to point out that even though I write about disgusting things from time to time I’m really a cleanly person and after this incident I took a shower because the urine insta-soaked against my foot.

On to life. My battle wounds are healing nicely and I expect to be able to display to the public my mug come Thursday night. I want to add that this past weekend was an absolutely awful weekend. The open bar from 8-10 left me black out drunk by 11 and injured and asleep by 12, sporting no fun along the way. So when Wagon is wondering why I’m not chomping at the bit to go to the same open bar from 8-10 this week, there’s the obvious reason. I’m well aware that getting too drunk leads to no fun. It’s been noted before but there is a level of drunkness labeled “the zone” which is always trying to be achieved but very rarely found. It’s when you have all your motor skills, you lost your inhibitions, and you can dance, not well, even if you’re white. Too sober and you can’t find the fun in anything and too drunk makes everything too fun until you have to pass out and do something humiliating. Sadly after 8 years of binge drinking I still have not found the secret.

This weekend proved something to me. I sometimes wonder why people read my blog. Sure you may know me a bit and have some connection but aside from the people I see often, I probably don’t see that many of you. However one thing I offer, that the large majority of the population can’t, is the ability to produce a picture in the post below. Let’s face it, how many of you come back home after a night of drinking looking like Glass Joe after a fight with Little Mac (I was gonna use Apollo Creed but he died so that didn’t work exactly). Now I don’t do this every weekend but the sheer chance of doing something wild must have some entertainment value to my readers. Some girl this weekend saw my face and said “it’s ok, it happens to the best of us.” Let me say that this happens to me far more than the to the best of us. I’ve gone a long while without significant injuries or arrests and I think in New Orleans I jinxed myself over dinner with my Mom when I told her I was on a good role and I think I’ve grown out of that phase. I was wrong, sorry mom. So another weekend is looming and I vow to do a better job and try to find “the zone” instead of blasting by it into oblivion where no one is safe. I have good intentions, I really do, but my arch enemy alcohol has my number dialed in.

To just finish this post with some final thoughts. I went to Barnes and Noble today to buy some books and I just wanted to share with everyone what I bought so you can see what I’m interested in:

  • Get anyone to do anything (not a sex book, a psych book)
  • Enough. True measures of Money, Business, and Life by John Bogle (CEO of Vanguard)
  • Getting back to even by Jim Cramer (Mad Money)
  • Mental Floss presents: Condensed Knowledge (bathroom reading)
  • Gonzo (the life of Hunter S. Thompson)
    I do know how to read and I’ve been bored lately because I haven’t been gambling and there’s not too much on TV and I’ve watched the good movies on demand.

    I also found some great deals at Target where I bought new boxers, new plain T’s (blue and white), a new wallet, and some novelty shirts for St Patrick’s day. I also just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall for the first time and I would never forget Kristen Bell for anything. Jason Segal seemed kind of dopey, I thought Mila played a good role, and my favorite character was Alvis or whatever. The movie wasn’t really so much funny as I thought people claimed a ways back. I thought the story was decent but everyone’s parts added up together just made it sort of so so.