We Don't Walk Slow

The Greatest Console of All Time?

I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing about my childhood and early adolescence video game playing days. My parents got me the original Nintendo for my 7th birthday I believe, I remember I was in 1st grade, so that should be correct. I fuckin’ loved that thing to death. I spent countless hours playing solo and with my childhood friends defeating level after level, boss after boss, throwing touchdown after touchdown, and so on. I loved that hockey game with the skinny, normal and fat guy. Well I loved a lot of games, so I won’t begin to list them (cough, Crystalis, Metroid, Abadox, XEXYZ, all the Megaman’s, sorry I’ll stop). In fact, I still have my original console, the Game Genie, the gun and some classic original games like the first Final Fantasy. I even bought another console (now I’m not even positive which one was my original) with a bunch of games included off of a kid during high school for $20 because he wanted to buy pot. Unfortunately, I gave most of my original games away to a family friend prior to high school, but at least I have that kid’s and a few I still had laying around.

So like I said, I had a true love affair with Nintendo. After Nintendo, I then got a Sega Genesis (sorry Nintendo), and then I traded that in with my dad’s help (we went back and forth to stores for maximum trade-in value, when an old system and games still were worth something) to get Nintendo 64. Before it even came out I was blown away when I saw what the controllers looked like and opted to rekindle my relationship with Nintendo. I couldn’t have been happier. I played Super Mario 64 the way Jimmy Hendrix played his guitar: truly one with the game/guitar. When I was suspended at one point during middle school, I played it like my life depended on it, that is of course, until I heard my mom come home. Needless to say I got all 120 stars. I think that was my favorite game of all time; it’s tough to say, but I can’t recall loving any game more than that one. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina in Time was one of the greatest games I ever played as well. The amount of games for 64 wasn’t overwhelming, but it’s quality over quantity, and that system was not short on quality games. MarioKart 64, Mario Party (any of them), Mario Tennis (God, me and my friends spent endless hours with this one, it never seemed to get old), Super Smash Bros, Starfox 64, Star Wars Shadow of the Empire, Turok (this game is actually what inspired me to write this, as it randomly popped into my head the other day), and let’s not forget the amazing Goldeneye 007.

The list could go on of course, but we don’t want to get bogged down further reminiscing and listing. Plus, I might shed a tear if I continue to think about each game. While I occasionally felt like I was missing out on some games that Playstation had to offer (like Final Fantasy 7, which I later bought when I got the PS2 the day it came out, ditching school to get it and stay home and play it), I did not care because my 64 was all I really needed. The graphics at the time were top-notch, putting Playstation to shame. The games, as I mentioned, were nothing short of incredible. The controller was funny looking and insanely comfortable to hold; the mini-joystick was awesome. Sure, the new systems have internet and play movies and are complete entertainment centers. But all the games nowadays seem like they’re just first person shooters, designed to train kids for war and desensitize them to violence. I bought an Xbox360 about 2 years ago I think, maybe less than that, after taking a Bar exam. I figured I’d get back into video games again, but the allure was gone, I couldn’t get into them. Assassin’s Creed was supposedly a classic, and I put it down after about 4 hours due to utter boredom. The 360 just sits around and collects dust. The most use I got out of it was the year I had Xbox Live and used Netflix (until their selection inevitably dried up, as Netflix selection sucks by the way), and that’s just not worth the cost of a system and the fees.

So, looking back, I cannot think of a greater system than Nintendo 64. In writing this I also realized I subconsciously was pretty loyal to the Nintendo brand, straying less frequently than I initially thought. I loved my Gameboy, and my Gameboy color was great too, I even got the Nintendo DS. I played a fair share of computer games all growing up, and absolutely loved Warcraft 3 during college; played it constantly. But in the end, other than the initial Nintendo, none of them could hold a candle to the great Nintendo 64. All hail Nintendo 64, the greatest console of all time.

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-15T09:36:16-05:00February 14th, 2013|Childhood, My Brain, My Life|2 Comments

Mother Can You Take Me

Think back to your childhood and recall how much you relied on your parents to get you from point A to point B when you were younger. How your parents would get annoyed once you started asking them too often. I remember my mom was always my go to and my dad was always a last resort. When I think back to it I really have to give my mom tons of credit because driving a teenage kid around must be a huge pain in the ass. It’s, stop everything you’re doing and drive your child to where they want to go. What is going on in your life must come to a halt. Plus you’d have some of your friends whose parents would rarely ever drive and it would get into a numbers game. Multiple rides to places in a day would occur to make matters worse. All my kids are riding a bike Jake Schwartz style.

The worst age for a parent had to be when your kids were 15 and they’d want to hang out late and then ask you to pick them up. My mom used to get PISSED when we’d say we had rides figured out, something would change and then we’d call her at midnight, and be like “can I have a ride home?” This obviously stopped once kids got their licenses but these had to be tough times. I remember a year or two before I could drive where we had track practice during the summer and we would break for lunch. Kids moms would actually pick them up at lunch and bring them back every day. I would hang nearby where my mom worked at a nursing home.

While I’m back in my childhood days, did anyone else get really excited just to see a boob (when did youtube start showing nipples?)? I remember movies like Species, Just One of the Guys, Disclosure, Wild Things, The Specialist, Barb Wire, Striptease, and some others that would come to me if I kept thinking about it, were like heaven sent. I probably didn’t even know how to bust a nut but the anticipation of a boob was all I needed. Let’s not forget meticulously searching through Vanity Fair for any semblance of an outlined nipple. Anyone else remember the introduction of the magazine Heavy Metal?

I did a lot of nerdy things too like set up a lan with Evan to play Quake 3. We used to abuse the Electronics Boutique return policy by buying a game and returning it within the 14 days. Why didn’t we just rent the game? The magic trick phase where we practiced magic was hilarious too. That used to piss my mom off more than anything because they had a magic stand at the Montgomeryville Mall that we’d always ask to go to when the Willow Grove mall was 15 minutes closer. Plus once you have more than 1 kid this is times 4 for my family. Ahh the good old days.

As you get older and mature you start to realize what a hassle it is to have kids but I’ll take this post and thank my mom (with slight recognition to my dad) for driving me to and from places to make my childhood a memorable experience. Without them I don’t know how I would have done all these nerdy activities.

By Tom Stortz|2013-02-15T09:35:36-05:00February 14th, 2013|Childhood, My Life|0 Comments

Intramural Championship

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T03:05:49-04:00December 7th, 2012|Childhood, Sports|1 Comment

Jeff Learning to Ride a Bike

A couple of classic things in this video. The look on Jeff’s face at :33 seconds is priceless. A few seconds later when he is about to fall, it’s pretty obvious he’s practiced that foot out landing technique multiple times. JC’s attire is fantastic as well. Talk about a guy lounging around.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T03:05:58-04:00December 7th, 2012|Childhood, Videos|0 Comments

Blast from the past

I’m sure Laura will love me for putting up this video but I thought shots of us all as little kids would be a hilarious video. Sam’s head filled with brains! JC’s camera work at the end is pretty typical.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T03:06:25-04:00December 6th, 2012|Childhood, Videos|3 Comments

Blast from the Past

I stumbled upon this after looking through my 09′ December archives. It’s a PTA MEETING!

By Tom Stortz|2016-11-03T15:33:11-04:00November 19th, 2012|Childhood|1 Comment

Childhood TV

Like the Styx song, I have too much time on my hands. This is a rare double entry and I’ve immediately followed my last one with another childhood theme. I was skipping around the TV Guide and watched the last 5 minutes of Dancing with the Stars to see Bristol Palin advance past Brandy. Bristol is a dog but I would vote off anybody whose partner spells his name Maks. This is literally one of the first times I’ve tuned into Dancing but there is all this hoopla about Bristol that I figured I’d see what was up. Nothing special in my eyes. The show that is. To leave this irrelevant topic and move onto something more worthwhile, I wanted to make a list of my favorite TV shows as a kid. I was born in 83′ so any younger audience may have no clue what I’m talking about. I’m going to start with the shows I remember when I was really young and then move on through time. I’m not going to mention the most popular ones that I obviously watched to death like Full House, Saved By the Bell, and the Simpsons.

Perfect Strangers was a show that stuck in my head as a show I probably had no idea what was happening but found it entertaining. Larry and Balki were the main characters and I just remember liking Balki. Apparently Harriet and Carl were characters in Perfect Strangers and Family Matters was a spin off of this show. I honestly couldn’t tell you one thing about an episode.

I used to find Small Wonder so fascinating. Jamie was such a little bitch and Vicki was a robot. I look back and wonder how I was so entertained. I remember running back from school to catch reruns of this show. Maybe the plot was good.

Beavis and Butthead was such a stupid show but I thought it was the funniest. The music clips were obviously annoying but I used to get a kick out of the mini-stories. Nance used to find this show hilarious too and I’m surprised she used to let me stay up and watch it. Whenever they would argue or hurt each other I would crack up. Their laughs and slow talking also did me in. I found this show to be awesome.

Nance and I used to watch this show every Thursday Night. I remember them as Williams and Torres and it’s funny because LaGuerta was in the show too who is now in Dexter. I used to look forward to this show so much and I’m sure if I watched it now I’d think, mediocre. I read the Wikipedia on it and apparently it was a big draw on Thursdays amongst the Black community.

TGIF growing up was a big thing. I can’t remember the order exactly but some shows were Family Matters and Step By Step. I used to love Al growing up on Step by Step and hate Dana. I think they also used to have Boy Meet’s world as part of that line up. A quick sidenote, I remember Laura used to get all these Teen mags and the covers would be filled with JTT, Devon Sawa, Rider Strong, and Zachary Ty Bryan. I also used to watch Home Improvment w/ Binford Tools.

It’s annoying to find pictures and then put them in and then space it so I’m just going to write about a few more. Different World goes way back but Dwayne Wayne was easily my favorite character in the 80’s growing up. I used to have like Blossom and obviously thought it was hysterical when Joey said “Whoa.” Mark Cooper from Hangin with Mr. Cooper was a big role model. Not to forget Marlon from the Wayans Brothers on WB. 7th Heaven was also on the WB and I’m sure I watched my share of that. Unhappily Ever After with Senator Edge and the always bangin Nikki Cox was one of my faves. Larisa Olyenik from Alex Mack was a huge crush of mine pre spank days. I used to watch the X-Files and was pretty much got hooked on the show. I also watched my fair share of Kevin Arnold and the Wonder years. Winny writes math books.

By Tom Stortz|2013-03-15T03:42:29-04:00November 16th, 2010|Childhood|3 Comments

Nineties TV shows and Video Games

I wanted to make a post about growing up in the nineties. I can’t really remember anything about the eighties because I was only alive in them for 6 years. This will be a nostalgia post and I will hopefully bring up everything that was grand during that time period.

I watched a lot of TV growing up. I watched Nickelodeon like it was my job. Doug (there was something about this show), Hey arnold (lost its allure when Geralds voice changed), Salute your Shorts (I remember Ugh, butnick, donkeylips, tele, the geek and beauty queen dina I think), Wild and Crazy Kids (I used to really like to this show), Hey Dude (I loved Melody or melanie and I’m pretty sure it’s Ben Stiller’s wife now), Guts (mona was hot although I didn’t realize it), and there was some arcade show on at 6 in the morning which I used to really like but would hardly ever get to watch. I also had a ridiculous crush on Alex Mack from the Secret world of Alex Mack.

Then there were those classic shows like Saved by the Bell and Full House which I must have watched every episode multiple times because they played 2 episodes of both every day for probably ten years straight. I was obsessed with GI Joes and had all the figures and the fortress and vehicles and everything. Voltron was my favorite but I never really got into the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers but I’m sure I’ve seen my share of episodes.

I also played way too many video games. I’ll start with Nintendo and work from there. We played Tecmo Super Bowl, Baseball Stars, Battletoads, Olympic Summer games, honestly I played so many games I can’t even think of them all. Then I got Genesis where I spent time playing games I can’t remember. Then Playstation where I played all the Resident Evils and Crash Bandicoots and tons of other games. I used to import games from Japan which were all in their foreign language and try to play them by holding the button in the back left of the Playstation down with tape. Electronics Boutique had to change their policies on returning games because we would by the games play them for a month or 10 days and then return them for a new game. We treated EB like a blockbuster. Why we didn’t go to blockbuster and just rent them was beyond me but I think there was coolness factor of going to the mall by yourself when you were in middle school. Then Dreamcast where I had Virtual Tennis and NBA 2k. Then I bought a 64 specifically for Bond. I played this game a ridiculous amount and we would play the complex, 4 way, for hours on end. Perfect Dark was better than Bond I don’t really care what anyone says, there really is no argument. I know I missed out on so many bad ass games but I will edit it when they come to my mind.

It’s pretty pathetic that all I can remember from the nineties are television shows and video games but aside from intramural sports and school I’m pretty sure that’s all I really did.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-27T22:28:15-04:00April 28th, 2009|Childhood|0 Comments