A Non Shitty Ranking of Black Mirror Episodes

Black Mirror is a worthwhile show. Probably not as good as people rave, but gripping and unique. Each episode is unto itself which is nice because you can jump right in at anytime. The best part of the show is the realistic approach to the future. Without a doubt, the tech they bring into the show is a glimpse into the future the same way the Jetson’s were. Seeing where we are going and the problems that most likely will arrive is what makes even shitty episodes ok.

I didn’t like every episode, and some I thought were awesome, so here is my ranking of the 19 episodes.

Black Mirror Episode Rankings (Worst to First)

19. Arkangel – Jodie Foster directed this dumpster fire. The granddad was the only likable character and he died half way through. The mom was a bitch. The girl was annoying. The point was asinine. Total chick episode that sucked.

18. Be Right Back – Best part was watching Hayley Atwell’s huge boobs being squeezed when she was getting ready to bang a robot. Complete snoozer because the idea of loving a robot and expecting him to be the same is stupid. Attic man should have jumped.

17. Crocodile – What a bad episode. The only neat idea was being able to get a visualization of memories and this episode shows why it would suck for that to happen. The murdering spree seems like a poor solution to an odd problem.

Black Mirror S1 EP5-6

16. Playtest – I liked the video game angle behind this, but it fell short. Not calling his mom seemed irrelevant. The girl story line had nothing to do with it. The episode seemed a smattering of ideas that failed. The chip delving into Cooper’s brain to formulate horrific memories was pretty cool.

15. Men Against Fire – When it seemed like the army was killing “roaches”, I wanted to know why they were roaches. Then you find out the army is using software to make them seem like “roaches”, and my brain rejected the idea. The camera for that first attack sequence gave me a seizure. The butch chick was whack and the ending was stupid. More could have been done, as such, I didn’t care for this episode.

14. The Waldo Moment – The relationship angle between Waldo and the girl had some traction and than it fell flat. Use this relationship rather than crushing it would have made it better. Showing how the people would rather vote for a cartoon who goes against typical politicians is a strike on society. I was entertained throughout, however, I didn’t care about the outcome.

13. San Junipero – When they played the song “Girlfriend in a Coma” by the Smiths, it dawned on me what was happening. I see some people rave that this was the best episode of the series and unless you like 2 time traveling lesbians, I’ll pass.

12. The National Anthem – Pig fucker. The situation is far out, but the hypothetical seems like this would be an earnest way for it to play out. Too off the wall in my opinion which made it not my favorite episode, but still had its merits.

11. Shut Up and Dance – Hard for me to diss an episode with Bronn in it, but how did the kid beat the guy at the end? Pretty much ruins it for me. Using the meme face is funny and I like how you go through the episode feeling bad for the kid only to nail him for kiddie porn at the end. Kind of long and drawn out. This was the kid from The End of the Fucking World which had also didn’t wow me.

10.White Bear – Same concept as the episode above. You go the episode feeling bad and then realize what was going on. The premise of the episode is neat, and so is the execution, but I didn’t buy the whole performance and why would you waste 30 days doing that to one person? The masks of the hunters were badass and I expected much more.

9. Nosedive – Holy shit, Alice Eve is hot in this. The whole social ranking system is a tremendous idea that made me feel satisfied that I care so little about it. Wonderfully done in this episode. Amazing really. I should probably rate this higher just for that. If you watch this episode and come away thinking you aren’t like this, good for you. Unfortunately, we are heading this direction. I loved the end when they were yelling at each other in the jail cell because the pent up honesty was shining through. I thought the conversation with the truck driver was great as well.

8. Hang the DJ – Another episode using a Smith’s song which gets bonus points in my book. The simulation was neat and the dating app being 99.8% correct was rewarding. I’m not sure I get exactly how the simulation occurs without them remembering what happened in previous relationships. My favorite part was when the guy looked at the timer and it had to start re-calibrating because he’s a distrustful douchebag. Without knowing what was going on, I liked that. Sort of floundered the ending in my mind.

7. Black Museum – Torn a bit on this episode. The Black Museum curator was tremendously played. I thought the 2 short medical stories leading up the climax were very well told. Especially the pain doctor. Not sure why I enjoyed that so much. The ending was blah to me. Seemed dumb because it’s like, “we’ll make this girl her daughter out of nowhere.” The water part was once again, dumb.

6. USS Callister – Same great concept of feeling bad for an asshole. I loved that fat Matt Damon (Jesse Plemons) got it coming to him at the end. This was one of the earlier episodes I watched and the acting was tremendous. The whole pizza scene at the end was bogus, but bitch don’t kill my vibe. Plemons acting out his fantasy in the ship was compelling. Psycho.

5. White Christmas – A cool episode. You could feel the episode building as Jon Hamm’s story kept progressing. I didn’t see the ending of his story coming. Then moving into the other guy’s, it was like the build just getting bigger. I thought the finale was awesome and liked the censorship towards the end. Great episode.

4. Hated in the Nation – I had this episode at 2 at one point and it kept sliding up and I’ll reveal why at the end. The villian teaching a lesson to society with the #deathto seems like a great idea to me. How he leads that hottie, Blue, through some traps led me to think she was in on it. Then the Asian police officer couldn’t do any part of his job right. The bees were a little much, but I like the idea of underestimating technology. Kind of a feeling that society has it coming to it by being dumb asses.

3. The Entire History of You – Liam was the best alcoholic I’ve seen acted. He had me cracking up time and time again. “I didn’t say you were a bitch, I said you were being a bitch.” Plus what kind of a name is Fee? She was slamming though. “What kind of a name is Jonas? What a knob.” He was awesome. And right. This made me feel like it would be reality if we could rewind, and view, our entire lives which is what I’m always looking for.

2. Fifteen Million Merits – Perfect depiction of where our society is heading. Loved, loved, loved this episode. Bing’s glass to throat speech was as good as it gets. The acting was first rate. If this guy didn’t win an award, he should. I don’t think they tied the singing girl’s role in enough. I get it, but it disappeared.  Plus they could have used the other jealous girl and the hilarious asshole more. Other than that, this concept could have been a series itself. Loved it.

 

1. Metalhead – I’m not even sure why I liked this episode so much because I didn’t even know what was going on. It had to be how bad ass those dogs were. It felt like Resident Evil avoiding the dogs through the window. The throwing stones at the dog to waste the energy (where did the stones comes from?) was brilliant. Then again with the paint idea. Then again with giving up once she got a tracker in her jugular. Loved the black and white and the darkened state they were in looking for a goddamn teddy bear. This to me felt like an apocalyptic reality where humans created machines that they couldn’t control. The black and white was fucking awesome and I loved every second of the dog overcoming obstacles. Driving cars. Opening doors. Blowing people’s heads off. Tracking like a blood hound. GREAT GREAT GREAT.

Final Thoughts

I looked at the IMDB ratings and Metalhead was ranked #19 out of 19. For some reason this gives me joy. I wasn’t too far off with my other rankings compared to other users. White Christmas tops the list which I understand. Hang the DJ got the 2 spot which is too high. San Junipero was 3 and that is so totally a chick flick. How Metalhead got last makes me think that people are either 1) girls 2) not smart enough to realize this is what happens when you build machines that are too smart

By | 2018-04-25T23:15:18+00:00 April 25th, 2018|Tv|4 Comments

4 Comments

  1. Wevs April 25, 2018 at 11:16 pm

    I was telling Sam this the other night – but they missed a HUGE opportunity in the Entire History of You. They should have had Liam kill his wife in the very last snapshop of memories that flashed when he pulled his tracker, and made the viewers rewind to see it happen. I actually did it a few times to see if he did – but no dice.

  2. Sam Stortz April 26, 2018 at 8:34 am

    I haven’t seen them all but agree that Entire History of You and White Christmas were very good. I liked 15 Million Merits but not as much as those two.

    It’s funny you say the bit about Metalhead being ranked 19/19 (I haven’t seen it) because a friend of mine and I were talking about Black Mirror and she told me to watch Arkangel because it was amazing.

    I think you know a show or a band or whatever is good when everyone agrees it’s good but for different reasons. People will always disagree on what Beatles songs are good and bad (with some exceptions), but everyone agrees the Beatles as a whole are great. When 10 people can rank the episodes and have them entirely different, yet everyone likes the show, it’s a really good show.

  3. Tom Stortz April 26, 2018 at 8:58 am

    Humble brag about talking to a girl.

    What I look for is how realistic would the people act if presented in the defined scenario? Is the scenario plausible? Do I care about the scenario presented? Arkangel was the perfect example of a shit box that left few questions to ask at the end. “Was is a good idea to overprotect my child with some new technology?” BORING. This episode is created for self loathing females who grew up with over protective mothers. Leave the bubble and join the real world.

  4. Brookes April 28, 2018 at 12:36 pm

    Is this show on Netflix?

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