I hear the same thing from person after person. “You have to set a limit on how much you drink,” “You live and learn,” “At least you are honest with yourself about having a problem.” All of this is fine and good but none of it really solves anything. I actually think the most realistic things people have said are to stay away from hard alcohol and this most likely won’t be an issue. What I think people don’t understand is that when they say it’s easy to say ‘I’m only going to have 6 drinks tonight and then quit’, this works fine for someone who doesn’t have the disease of alcoholism. When I start drinking, there’s no light-bulb that flashes and says “I’ve had enough.” My mind gets overrun by the alcohol and I’m not making decisions anymore. Most people don’t have this issue because at a certain point their body says no more. Last week when a Dr. asked me how much I had to drink over the weekend because I told him I wasn’t able to eat the next day from drinking so much, I honestly replied I think I probably had the equivalent of 50 drinks in 3 days, which I think is still probably an understatement. So when people give me their advice on what I have to change, I know they are saying what they think is best but the reality is that they are telling me this in their shoes. Yes I am honest with myself and know that I’m pretty much fucking up and there’s no one else to blame but myself. I love the “live and learn” quote because I’ve been binge drinking for almost 10 years now and I am still doing the same stupid shit I’ve done throughout each previous year. There are 12 questions on an AA website that I read and it says if you answer 4 of them with a yes, you probably have a problem. I think I answered 10 of 12 yes and the two I gave as no were probably wishy washy no’s.
So why am I writing this post. If you’re coming to this web address, I assume you have some interest in me. You either like something about the way I operate or you look to me as an interesting human being with unique view points. I write honestly in this blog and I give away inside information about myself because I’m not embarrassed about anything and I like the idea of documenting my life. This past weekend I had to get 13 stitches in my upper lip and some teeth repaired after face planting on the sidewalk from being blackout drunk. I’m going to make 100% recovery aside for some new teeth and some damage to my wallet. I have a problem with alcohol that if I put out in the open, it will probably make me try harder to rectify the issue. I’m not going to write that I’m never going to drink again because that would be a lie. But I will say that I will try to do a better job respecting the drug and overcoming some of my shortcomings. Since I see there’s not a huge amount of people who read this, I assume that most people know who I am on a personal level some way or another. You don’t have to feel bad for me or frown if you ever see me having a drink. I’m a work in progress and will try my best to do a better job. If that means going to the bar with mouth guards and a leash on me, we’ll see what has to be done. So next time you think you are having a bad day, just know that people out there have done some pretty stupid things and that you are not alone. If I didn’t have anyone who was concerned about me, I probably wouldn’t feel the regret I do, but knowing that I’m letting my mom down and not realizing my full potential does get to me. So I share this not to create gossip or to get sympathy but to let everyone know that I’m self aware and will move forward with my greatest effort. I thank everyone who stands by me no matter how much of a tard I can be.