We Don't Walk Slow

Superb Youth Coaching

Tell me those lines in my hair weren’t baller. This also isn’t the right year.

1995 was a good year for baseball. I was 11 years old and was on the Upper Dublin travel baseball team. Bill Schmidt was the coach along with Joe Perry. This was our first year of travel baseball and no one had any idea what the expectations should be but this season started a run unlike any other.

Our very first game was against Glenside which was saved by a Dave Krieg triple in the last inning to get us off to a 1-0 record. The next game we played Warminster and managed a paltry 1 run while giving up 10. Mr Schmidt made the comment that we would never be as good as Warminster that year. Or so he thought.

Our Fans

After 14 games the team was 7-6-1. We won the next 4 games getting us into the 4th playoff spot. We squared off directly against Lower South who had beaten us 10-7 and who we tied earlier in the season. Damien on the mound (I can’t remember if he pitched 1 or 2) was a scary fireballer but we managed to win game 1 12-6. In game 2, our ace Bud Schmidt held them scoreless through 4 innings on our way to a 12-2 romp. Southampton was next up for the championship.

Stud Pitcher

Against Southampton, we won game 1 8-4 and were down 14-1 (I’m guessing here) in game 2 before it was called for darkness or rain. We played the next day to finish the 2nd game and scored a few runs in that second game but still lost 14-9. The momentum was there though and we blanked them in game 3 13-0 for our first championship. Bud finished the season with an 11-2 record and a 2.02 ERA. Year 1 batting stats.

We were about this good.

This was the start of a team that would not know how to lose from here on out. The ’96 season brought a 20-0 record and a 2nd straight championship against the same competition as the previous year. The ’97 season started with 9 more wins and then the Chestnut Hill rivalry started . The first time we played them ended with our first loss in 29 games losing narrowly 4-3. We won 2 more games before having to play Chestnut Hill again and got beat convincingly 16-8. We had met our match. We won the next 5 games and played, you guessed it, Chestnut Hill in the first round of a single elimination tournament game at their home field. This is where the title of this post begins and my fondest childhood baseball memory.

My memory is not that pristine and I don’t have the actual stat book so maybe Bill Schmidt can comment more clearly, but I believe it was the 2nd inning and I was batting 7th. Not known as a power hitter, I crushed a ball over the left fielder’s head for a double. Ashlock hit a triple behind me which got the momentum for the team churning. In my next at bat, knowing that there was about a 0% chance I hit another ball to outfield (and knowing that Chestnut Hill might think I had some new found power), Mr Schmidt told me to lay down a bunt down the 3rd base line. Bunting was probably the only skill that I was actually very good at. I plopped down a perfect bunt down the 3rd base line and beat it out for a single. We ended up winning the game 10-9 and then winning the championship against Warminster 17-4. Another hilarious tidbit from that game was the final out. I was playing 2nd and Dave Krieg was playing shortstop. I remember praying to god that they wouldn’t hit it to me because I wasn’t the surest glove (or the surest arm). As luck had it, they hit a ball to Dave and he threw them out for the final out. Year 3 batting stats.

We played a final season the next year in a league with older kids and didn’t fare to well going 7-13. I made 12 errors total to lead the team. 10 of them came in the final 7 games. I specifically remember making my 3rd error against Wissahickon on a slow hit ball, I’m talking barely moving towards me, and it went through my legs. You could say my confidence was shot and pitchers were getting bigger and I still hadn’t hit puberty.

I look back at these times and chuckle at these stats because we were a really good baseball team for that age group. We practiced a lot. Bud went on to pitch for Susquehanna and we had another player who played college but it’s funny to think that at the time, we were the best team in Montgomery County which seems like the world when you are 11. I hope Bill Schmidt comments on my accuracy.

By Tom Stortz|2016-04-22T09:00:37-04:00April 19th, 2016|Childhood, My Life|8 Comments

Tomb Raider Evolution – 18 Years Later

Real talk for a minute, I never beat Tomb Raider. I remember the T-Rex chase but I think the game was too hard at the time. In high school you were either into Resident Evil 1 or Tomb Raider, it couldn’t be both. My goal was to finish off the Tyrant with the rocket launcher, on the Helipad, in under 3 hours. I don’t believe I ever did. I also hated finishing the game with Chris because of his goddamn 6 inventory slots. Why the fuck did Jill get 8? Back to Lara and the evolution of video games in a mere 18 years.

How is it that we live in a time period where we were playing pong in the 70’s and a mere 50 years later we are advancing into a virtual reality? There were literally 0 video games for centuries of time and now it’s evolving at an insane pace. I personally stopped playing video games because I spent too much time as a youth and wanted to develop some other skills (of which I barely have). Either way, I thought this picture was telling and it gave me an opportunity to blog about video games which are the easiest for me to write about.

Best Comment About the Picture:
This is why I can’t ever finish Tomb Raider every time I start it up I end up jerking off

Was this supposed to be Lara Croft?
“My cock is lost in the jungle and it’s up to you to find it.”

For those who want some nostalgia.
My favorite part of this ending sequence was always the flare. I’d be charging through the halls, the alarms blasting, the zombies roaming, Tyrant roaring, the intensity rising, and then in the quiet outside, I set off the flare, and…PfffffFFFFFFFFFFF…the head trailing it and the crossed arm wait. Laughed every single time!

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:33:54-04:00April 15th, 2016|Childhood|2 Comments

A Christmas Evolution

The Christmas gift begins to lose value as you age. When you’re 10 years old and you are working on a $6 dollar a week allowance, you don’t have a ton of spending cash. When you get older and start working, you begin to create wealth which you can then spend on yourself making gifts from other people less appealing.

I tried hard to find the exact one I had but a 20 year old cash center was not internet available.

At around 7, a gift that sticks out to me was when my mom bought me a bank. It had a slot for all the coins and it counted up the money as it was deposited. The front of it would lock but the back could always be opened up which made it not very secure. This gift taught me how to count money and how to save. Even though it lacked the bells and whistles of today’s technology, I will never forget this thoughtful gift.

When I hit middle school it was all about video games. Clothes were boring. Books sucked. CD’s were nice but video games were always the best. New consoles. Controllers. Memory cards. Games. You name it and if I didn’t have to spend my own money on it, that was great. Zero educational value as I pass the time with a screen as my best friend.

In high school you hit a phase in your life where you have a better understanding of the value of money but your stuck in your own world of what’s “in”. I used to have jeans that would expand 3x the size of my ankles. I was still playing video games but was into track and probably thought I was WAY WAY WAY cooler than I really was.

College life turns 180 where you only care about beer and partying. Friends start getting into drugs and you start figuring out what suits you the best. Holiday breaks are more important because you get a break from school and you have free time to do whatever you want. Christmas time is just the mandatory time with your family between doing activities with your friends.

Wrong kind of learning.

Which brings me to post-college life. I have money to spend and have no problem giving gifts. I tend to donate small sums to organizations that I use regularly (wikipedia and friends fundraisers). I spend my money more on education instead of alcohol. Lynda.com for Photoshop education and paying Adobe to use it. I’m not into material items so much except for what I need. If I want to look nice I’ll buy new clothes. If my sneakers have a hole in them I’ll buy new shoes. Mostly though Christmas is about getting together and spending time with family.

Unless you stop and make it happen, you realize that life doesn’t stop and it’s easy to get caught in the rat race of working and trying to make money. Family time gets overlooked for various reasons but it’s important. Material items come and go but family is always there until it’s not. The cliche you don’t know what you have until it’s gone rings true. So ring in this holiday season with your family and tell them how much they mean to you. There is no greater gift.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-24T13:29:32-05:00December 24th, 2014|Childhood, My Life|0 Comments

The Avalon Bike Catastrophe by Jeff

Stortzfest was in full effect in Avalon, NJ 2007, and I was out of my freshman year of college ready to rage. Obviously I couldn’t go to the bar with Tom, Wagon, Rock and whoever else was there, so I had make my own fun. I found a house party to go to about 50 blocks away that was a friend of a friend. Politely I asked Nancy if I could use her bike to head down there because I knew I would have some drinks…she obliged as always for some reason.

The party was wild…I was bumming over some girl which just fueled my incredible ability to drink myself retarded without puking; then by the end of the night I was basically walking in circles back to my bike to head on home. About halfway in, riding down a main road in Avalon, I happened to notice an oncoming police car. I tried my best not to swerve, but I knew that I was a potential target as I wasn’t wearing a helmet and it was 3am. I glanced back in the road to see if I made a clean getaway, and this is where things went south. The police car was doing a “U” turn! PANIC!!!!!!

Understand that I am, and always have been, completely confident in my ability to evade police at all costs. I’m fast, athletic, and smart enough to know when to make my move. I always know where the exit is in any party I attend and I intentionally hang near it depending on the threat level. I have hidden in thorn bushes, jumped fences that must have been 2 or 3 stories high, and literally laid face down in mud to keep from getting an underage drinking citation in high school. But back to the story…

PANIC!!!! Once I saw that “U” turn being made I kicked it as hard as I possibly could to the nearest cross block. I was flying! My intention was to fly into a back yard, quietly of course, and to hide out until the cop gave up searching for me. Instead…..BOOOMMMM! I had no idea what hit me! I literally went from 20 mph entering a sidewalk ramp, to wincing in pain on the ground while my bike laid next to me like a dead steed. Turns out that the sidewalk entrance ramp was not really a ramp. Ya know, the kind that just have a curb to step onto because some dumbass was too lazy to make it a slope. There are probably a total of 5 of these babies in Avalon, and of course I sought out the one when biking drunk into the abyss. I was hurt. I was really hurt. But even more so, I was determined not to end up in the holding cell that night.

I painfully pulled myself off the ground and grabbed the handlebars in a attempt to salvage the bike in this chase. The police officer must have had a block or two to drive until he would see this pathetic scene. I had to ditch the bike….my mother would be so upset tomorrow morning. The tire was a little mangled, so I just drug the bike into the front lawn of the corner house and left it laying on the rocks as I made my move to the fence to continue my GTA style getaway. “There’s no time for finding the gate” I thought to myself as I knew I was about to be spotted. I jumped the fence in a drunken fashion and plopped on the other side. If my bike wasn’t in this person’s front yard, I might have been safe where I was. Instead I had to get on with the chase on foot…

My initial foot speed is relatively slow for a collegiate track runner, but I swear, I was like a cheetah trying to run in sandals on these backyard rocks. About 6 steps in it was as if The Big Bossman himself clotheslined me back down on my back. I know you are thinking that the cop had outsmarted me here, but it’s not the case. This person literally had a clothesline in their backyard, and I ran fullspeed, neck first into it. I got up slowly this time. My injuries were adding up and I wasn’t sure that I could, or should, try to continue this torturous attempt to beat the law. I started a sad limp-jog type movement toward the back fence to get on with my quest when, what do ya know, I was clotheslined again. WHO NEEDS THAT MANY LINES OF CLOTHES TO DRY IN ONE TINY HOUSE! Buy a god damn dryer! I kinda remember thinking that I ought to just stop and bury myself in the rocks and maybe he won’t find me. Instead I crawled to the back fence in agony and pulled myself over like a fat kid trying to get over a gate. On the other side I had to walk through a neighbor’s yard and took refuge in a bush. This is where I called my trusty brother and his hero of a friend Chad to come pick me up. Chad claims I was crying when I made that call. I can assure you I was not.

By Tom Stortz|2014-08-28T17:24:55-04:00August 28th, 2014|Childhood|1 Comment

Four Eyes – Childhood Trauma

I’ve needed glasses since the 3rd grade. I didn’t wear contacts until 10th grade. For those 7 years, I was too embarrassed to wear my glasses in school. This became quite problematic when you can’t see the board. I someone how managed without wearing my glasses consistently until 8th grade, Mr, Sieger, algebra.

Mr. Sieger was a no BS math teacher. After every quiz or test he’d post your score outside his classroom by your Student ID and it was nerve racking starting from the top and scanning towards the bottom which is where I usually was. The reason I hated this class so much was that he used the projector to post every quiz. Naturally the seating chart had me sitting in the back and this didn’t bode well for seeing his chicken scratch math equations.

I always carried my glasses around in my book bag but I would never use them. One day Mr. Sieger had his standard quiz on the projector and I couldn’t make out any of the writing. I had to suck it up and wear my glasses. After putting them on and clearly seeing the projector, Chung Lee, who was in the row beside me looked at me and started laughing hysterically. It’s one of those moments where you know why you don’t where glasses. This was probably for the best because after that day I didn’t have a problem wearing the glasses.

This tale makes me laugh because I was so scared of fitting in that I essentially walked around life with no clarity. As I look back, how did I play sports well? I couldn’t see the ball. I used to be mortified to bat in travel baseball when the game started getting too dark to see the ball. It’s funny because I didn’t tell the coach or anything, I just would get up to the plate and hope to hit the fuzzy ball with my bat. This is probably why I batted .250.

Finally in 10th grade I got contacts and life was wonderfully better. Why I didn’t wear my glasses is certainly questionable because it wasn’t like I was a cool kid or anything. I was already a nerd playing video games and Magic the gathering, I’m not sure what I was trying to preserve. Life sure was different as a kid.

By Tom Stortz|2014-08-24T12:38:33-04:00August 24th, 2014|Childhood, My Life|2 Comments

What I Loved as a Stupid Kid

I re-read the Advanced Genius book which is hilarious and insightful at the same time. It’s a book that promotes finding ways to like something instead of looking for ways to hate it. This made me think about things that I truly enjoyed and this brought me back to my childhood which is when I demonstrated a feeling that was more natural than today. This is tougher to explain but I think as you get older it’s harder to “love” something. This brings me to this list of childhood joys.

Jim Fenerty – Head Coach of GA Basketball

Germantown Academy Basketball Camp

For 3 weeks in the Summer a private school hosted a basketball camp M-F. GA has a great basketball reputation and put on a premier camp. Coaches from local colleges would give demonstrations and their current players would act as the instructors. They even brought Kobe in one week but he had “car troubles”. Rasheed Wallace threw a basketball at my head.

There were 3 leagues depending on your age group and you’d spend the whole day going through drills and playing games. It’s possible now that I look back at it that this was the most fun time in my entire life. One key memory I had was when I played Bud in a 1v1 game for the best one on one player of the league which was determined in a tournament structure. I think my career record vs Bud is pristine which I’m sure he would remember better than me. There was also a scenario called a lightning game when the game would start with a tie score and there would be 2 minutes on the clock to play out. With 3 seconds left, down by 2, I got the ball and hoisted a shot from (in my memory) way beyond mid court and swished it. That got me camper of the day. Not only was this camp incredibly fun, but it made me a better basketball player which never left me.

ManHunt & Capture the Flag

This is kind of a weird one but I loved the game Manhunt and Capture the Flag. During summer nights a group of us would get together at Pishy’s house and use his yard and the Herman’s to play. The game entailed hiding and running which is about as basic as it gets but I think the element of out smarting the people trying to catch you was the allure. “They’ll never find me hiding 50 feet up in this tree.” No shit. The all time thrill was hiding in the actual base where prisoners were kept and tagging them out as they came in. Capture the flag was equally fun. I’m sure if I was slower these games wouldn’t be as satisfying.

Complex, best multiplayer level. No question.

Goldeneye

When I first played Goldeneye I was blown away by the multiplayer. You’re telling me that 4 people can play at the same time?!?! I went home and told JC that I had to get the new console and that’s exactly what I did. This was perhaps the best multiplayer game of all time in relation to when it was out. This was before killing was fragging and screen looking was a major factor. Once you mastered this game, you could have incredible multiplayer action. 2v2 was also a huge hit. Anyone who knows anything about this game knew that paintball mode, licensed to kill, with pistols was the best multiplayer set up. I could say without a doubt that I loved this game. “No OddJob”. I was always Mishkin. SOF would eventually replace this but I’ll get into that later.

By Tom Stortz|2014-08-21T14:06:50-04:00August 21st, 2014|Childhood, My Life|2 Comments

Childhood Summer Days

While sitting in my cube for the 27th straight work day, I thought back to my carefree childhood summer days and how I spent my time. For the record I don’t work in a cube and this my 3rd straight work day but I probably haven’t taken a day off since that Center City Sips Wednesday where I got too wasted and couldn’t make it in which was June 12th. Back on topic, when you are that young you don’t realize how good you have it and how you’ll never have it again unless you become a multi-millionaire and you know the answer to that, you can’t. Here is how I spent my days:

Maple Manor Swim Club – I think the pool used to open at 10am and we’d get there early and spend the days playing tether ball, eating frozen Snickers, passing the band test to use the diving tank, and other normal outdoor activities. This was the hub of all childhood activity. We could ride our bikes there and it was open the entire day which led to many visits.

WWF – This is easily one of my weirder memories but I remember leaving the pool early on days to watch the WWF. These were the glory days with Hulk, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man, Jake the Snake, and Rick Rude. Jeff used to love the Big Boss Man. In one of my oddest childhood crushes, I liked Sherri Martell who use to go around with Ted DiBiase and the Macho Man.

Cartoons – I used to love Cartoons. Looney Tunes when I was young was my favorite but for this specific time period I remember Animaniacs and Tiny Toons which I loved, Talespin and Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers which I thought were average, and Doug and Hey Arnold on Nick which weren’t on at that time but still classics.

I could add the normal things like Nintendo, bike riding, manhunt, and other normal thing people do but I don’t have much to add.

By Tom Stortz|2014-07-16T08:55:07-04:00July 16th, 2014|Childhood|2 Comments

My Herb Kohl Story

Herb

Herbert H. “Herb” Kohl (born February 7, 1935) is an American businessman and politician. He is a former United States Senator from Wisconsin and a member of the Democratic Party. He is also a philanthropist and the former owner of the Milwaukee Bucks of the National Basketball Association.

In April of this year, he sold the Milwaukee Bucks for $550 million dollars after buying them for $18 million in 1985. He hit the news recently by giving former employees of the Bucks checks that range from $500 – $100,000 dollars. My story goes back about 25 years.

Groovin’

When I was a little guy, my dad had season tickets to the Sixers. We sat in row G by the half court line and the opposing team would have seats for their fans in 2 of the nearby rows. My parents would tell me to “be little” and I’d act like a baby going through the line to get in for free. I don’t know the exact date, probably close to 1985, when Herb bought the team so I was 3 or 4. I must have charmed his pants off with my little kid swagger because he asked my parents for their address. A few weeks later an autographed ball with every Milwaukee Bucks player arrived as a gift from Mr. Herb Kohl.

I think I was a moron and ended up playing with the ball as the years went on but I remember the ball vividly. To think how a team owner would go out of his way to send a Sixers fan’s child an autographed ball was an awesome gesture. Hell, I’m blogging about it 25 years later. These are the type of people that the world needs more of. Herb Kohl is an generous, kind person. I wonder how many other little kids he’s touched. Scratch that last sentence.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:01:04-04:00July 10th, 2014|Childhood, My Life|1 Comment

Rad 80’s Games

If you grew up as a child in the 80’s, you’d remember picking up the landline, dialing 7 numbers, and asking if your friend could “come over to play.” Times were different back then. Video games were just getting started and mobile devices were decades away. Passing time had to be done using something other than a computer. Here are some of the games that were played.

TAG

0 chance of catching this kid.

Tag, TV Tag, and Freeze Tag were staples. Tag was actually quite dumb because the faster kids would never get caught. TV tag was when you could name a TV show and that would get you immunity from getting caught for some period of time. Freeze Tag was when you got tagged you were frozen and other kids would have to unfreeze you. These games developed into Capture the Flat and Manhunt as you got older.

Bike Riding

I know you are but what am I?

Riding bikes around every inch of your neighborhood also seemed commonplace. I pretty much knew every single street within a 10 block radius. I’d never leave the side streets and once you got close to a busy road you’d just turn around or find a back route. Riding to the pharmacy, which was probably about a mile away, seemed like a Pee Wee’s big adventure.

Skip It

Who remembers Skip-it?. The counter on this toy sucked but for some reason it fascinated me. It went to 999 and reset but it’s accuracy was definitely questionable. Over time, the ball would always slam against the concrete so eventually it would get beat up. Either way I enjoyed playing with this simple, stupid device. The song from the commercial below would 100% get stuck in your head so major props to that ad agency. I also had a crush on the girl at 23 seconds.

Pencil Fights

Pencil fights were when I was in Elementary School which places them in the late 80’s – Early 90’s. This game eventually would get banned by the school. I imagine myself as the Principal of the school and hearing, “kids are taking #2 Ticondaroga’s and slamming them against each other and trying to see which would break first.” Wat? Mark Gomberg actively sought out a piece of wood that he carved into a pencil and was virtually unbreakable. The key was in the torque of the pencil. More pencils would break from bending them back than actually hitting the other pencil.

GI Joe – “Got to get tough, Yo Joe”

I came across this picture on Reddit and it brought me back. GI Joe was one of my favorite cartoons growing up. The animated series aired in the mid to late 80’s so I was quite the young lad watching the show. These action figures were my livelihood when I was young.

I used to own what seemed like hundreds of these action figures but it was probably closer to 100. Everyone’s legs and bodies were attached by this elastic string that would sometimes break and then your guys would be dismembered as seen in the front. It’s funny because I look at these characters and recognize a few but it was so long ago that I pretty much forget everything. My mom sold all of them at a garage sale which destroyed some childhood nostalgia for a few measly dollars.

I owned what I think was this Command Center but there were a few others when I searched for it. This was a pretty sick toy at the time and hours were spent defending this base. The guns would fire a missile which was obviously awesome. Any projectile at the time was immediately placed as the best toy.

Let’s not forget the GI Joe PSA’s

Crossbows and Catapults

Crossbows and Catapults was a popular game

If you were a kid in this era there was this sweet mid-evil game called Crossbows and Catapults. It may have been 90’s, I get lost when I go back this far. The objective of the game was to knock down your opponents castle. As you can see from the pic, blocks make up the castle and those discs are your weapons. You use the brown weapons (crossbow and catapult) to fire the discs across the room at your opponent’s castle. I can’t remember what the guys did but I don’t suspect much. The catapult was the most fun to use but the crossbow was deadly. The last castle standing won.

By Tom Stortz|2014-05-12T17:28:20-04:00May 12th, 2014|Childhood|2 Comments

My Sports Card Collection is Worth Pennies

Sports Cards Were Not Investments

1986 Fleer Michael Jordan Rookie Card

As a young child I loved sports cards, specifically basketball. I had more cards than I had space in the house. One of my best memories would be when JC would go to the 7-11 and buy me packs of cards from the 1986 Fleer basketball set. Aside from this being one of the more valuable sets of all time, there was a stick of rock hard gum that came with every pack that I looked forward to. I also used to memorize tons of info about players. Who else would know that Mark West’s birthday was 1 day away from mine? Nance and I also thought John Bagley had the best name in the league.

As I progressed more into card collecting I’d make sure I purchased Beckett which would provide some idea of valuation for these cards. At the time players like MJ and Magic cards would actually be worth money. By today’s standards, these cards didn’t appreciate into anything worth talking about which is disappointing because card collecting was frickin’ awesome.

The most valuable sports card of all time – 2.8 million

I remember stories of my dad being a card collector and how his parents threw out all of his cards. I think this happened to me except it happened gradually over time and I was OK with it. I’m sure there were some valuable cards that were trashed because I specifically remember having almost every card of the 1986 Fleer set. Remember though that I was 4-5 years old collecting these and even if I did have them they were likely to have pen or a full crease through them. I also collected Magic cards which are worth even less than basketball cards. Here are a few cards that actually remained as part of my collection.

My Sports Cards

1986 Fleer – Michael Jordan

You’d think this card would hold some value but it didn’t.

$10-$15 Mint

1972 Topps – Oscar Robertson

I card I bought from a dealer. Great player but too late in his career to be worth anything. Incredible stats though.

$35.00

1986 Fleer – James Worthy

My last card from the aforementioned 1986-87 Fleer set. I’m a bit confused on why this set produced MJ’s rookie card because his draft year was 84′. Either way, other rookie stars included Hakeem and Barkley not to mention studs like Ewing, Magic, Bird, and Isiah. I wish I would have kept better care of these cards.

$30 to $130 in near mint. Mine isn’t.

1991 Skybox – Michael Jordan

One of my favorite sets. It’s bizarre they used the same picture as the 86′ card above. I thought the backgrounds were awesome as a kid.

$2.00

1991 Donruss – Randy Johnson

I didn’t collect much baseball but stumbled upon a young Randy Johnson. “Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword… And you’re not gonna not get Randy Johnson’s autograph, Right?”