The Avalon Bike Catastrophe by Jeff

1607050Stortzfest was in full effect in Avalon, NJ 2007, and I was out of my freshman year of college ready to rage.  Obviously I couldn’t go to the bar with Tom, Wagon, Rock and whoever else was there, so I had make my own fun.  I found a house party to go to about 50 blocks away that was a friend of a friend.  Politely I asked Nancy if I could use her bike to head down there because I knew I would have some drinks…she obliged as always for some reason.

120503052235_shepards-beach-partyThe party was wild…I was bumming over some girl which just fueled my incredible ability to drink myself retarded without puking; then by the end of the night I was basically walking in circles back to my bike to head on home.  About halfway in, riding down a main road in Avalon, I happened to notice an oncoming police car.  I tried my best not to swerve, but I knew that I was a potential target as I wasn’t wearing a helmet and it was 3am.  I glanced back in the road to see if I made a clean getaway, and this is where things went south.  The police car was doing a “U” turn!  PANIC!!!!!!

Understand that I am, and always have been, completely confident in my ability to evade police at all costs.  I’m fast,  athletic, and smart enough to know when to make my move.  I always know where the exit is in any party I attend and I intentionally hang near it depending on the threat level.  I have hidden in thorn bushes, jumped fences that must have been 2 or 3 stories high, and literally laid face down in mud to keep from getting an underage drinking citation in high school.  But back to the story…

Sidewalks_image001PANIC!!!!  Once I saw that “U” turn being made I kicked it as hard as I possibly could to the nearest cross block.  I was flying!  My intention was to fly into a back yard, quietly of course, and to hide out until the cop gave up searching for me.  Instead…..BOOOMMMM! I had no idea what hit me! I literally went from 20 mph entering a sidewalk ramp, to wincing in pain on the ground while my bike laid next to me like a dead steed.  Turns out that the sidewalk entrance ramp was not really a ramp.  Ya know, the kind that just have a curb to step onto because some dumbass was too lazy to make it a slope.  There are probably a total of 5 of these babies in Avalon, and of course I sought out the one when biking drunk into the abyss.  I was hurt.  I was really hurt.  But even more so, I was determined not to end up in the holding cell that night.

bicycle-loma-portal-hit-and-run-063012-31239824_9875_ver1.0_640_480I painfully pulled myself off the ground and grabbed the handlebars in a attempt to salvage the bike in this chase.  The police officer must have had a block or two to drive until he would see this pathetic scene.  I had to ditch the bike….my mother would be so upset tomorrow morning.  The tire was a little mangled, so I just drug the bike into the front lawn of the corner house and left it laying on the rocks as I made my move to the fence to continue my GTA style getaway.  “There’s no time for finding the gate” I thought to myself as I knew I was about to be spotted.  I jumped the fence in a drunken fashion and plopped on the other side.  If my bike wasn’t in this person’s front yard, I might have been safe where I was.  Instead I had to get on with the chase on foot…

My initial foot speed is relatively slow for a collegiate track runner, but I swear, I was like a cheetah trying to run in sandals on these backyard rocks. About 6 steps in it was as if The Big Bossman himself clotheslined me back down on my back.  I know you are thinking that the cop had outsmarted me here, but it’s not the case.  This person literally had a clothesline in their backyard, and I ran fullspeed, neck first into it.  I got up slowly this time.  My injuries were adding up and I wasn’t sure that I could, or should, try to continue this torturous attempt to beat the law.  I started a sad limp-jog type movement toward the back fence to get on with my quest when, what do ya know, I was clotheslined again.  WHO NEEDS THAT MANY LINES OF CLOTHES TO DRY IN ONE TINY HOUSE!  Buy a god damn dryer!  I kinda remember thinking that I ought to just stop and bury myself in the rocks and maybe he won’t find me.  Instead I crawled to the back fence in agony and pulled myself over like a fat kid trying to get over a gate.  On the other side I had to walk through a neighbor’s yard and took refuge in a bush.  This is where I called my trusty brother and his hero of a friend Chad to come pick me up.  Chad claims I was crying when I made that call.  I can assure you I was not.