We Don't Walk Slow

9 Jun, 2013

This one’s for you CK4

By Tom Stortz|2013-06-09T18:56:11-04:00June 9th, 2013|My Life|1 Comment

I humor myself sometimes with when I choose to share some posts. Last Monday Ck4 and I played in a golf scramble for charity that overall was a fun time. At one of the holes there was a putting contest where you had to make a 12 foot putt to be put into the next round. The prize was an Orlando vacation. Everyone from our foursome made the putt on the first try which was unbelievable. In the final round there were about 15 participants putting a 40 footer that had some major break to it. Ck4 ousted the field putting it within 18 inches and taking home the vacation. I know he was eagerly awaiting my blog post about this story because Ck4 loves posts about Ck4. Since I know how much he enjoys these posts, I just toy with him and delayed that story for a week. It was well worth it though because I have more Ck4 content due to waiting.

On Saturday, Nikkii had set up a surprise birthday party for Chad about two weeks prior to his birthday to guarantee a surprise. My job was to keep him distracted for the day and have him show up to the party at the appropriate time. I decided golf would be a good way to spend some time so I booked a round at Talamore for the two of us. We played from a back tee box and the course proved mightier than the players (I did par the #1 handicap hole). We were able to see some wildlife in a deer with a bad leg, a baby deer, 2 swans, and a snake in the grass.

Bambi at Talamore

A few highlights include on the 17th hole there is a row of houses on the right of the fairway. I’m standing behind Chad and see that he’s aimed directly at the houses for some unknown reason. Thinking that his swing will make the ball travel in another direction I didn’t say anything and what do you know, he hits a BB right at the houses and it 100% hit something. Then on 18 he was about 150 yards out and for absolutely no reason other than entertainment, decides to hit a yellow range ball as a practice approach shot. He ends up sailing one way off to the right where the member area and pool is and I couldn’t stop laughing at how absurd it is that 2 jokers on a trial membership are causing so much havoc at the hoity toity Talamore club. Bulls in a china shop. We ended up leaving at 5pm and headed to a bar to grab a bite to eat and have a few drinks. We killed the couple of hours and headed off to the party location.

When we got there no one was upstairs and I legitimately think Chad had no idea a party was coming his way. Once the surprise hit we enjoyed a nice evening playing various games and enjoying everyone’s company. It was a swell time. I like that word swell. If you ever want to hear any jingles from back in the day, ask Mr. Helmstetter. The kegerator was a nice touch as well. I think Sam retired as the corn-hole champ (jokes welcomed). It really ended up being a great day and what life is all about. There you go Ck4, you’re the star of the blog.

7 Jun, 2013

#YouAreRetarded

By Tom Stortz|2013-06-07T12:09:21-04:00June 7th, 2013|My Brain|2 Comments

The hashtag has lived its life. It was short lived but I’m fully committed to killing it. This is a good description of the hashtag which was popularized with Twitter. Here is also a guide on how to use it.

“In Twitter, the number sign is called a “hashtag” and it’s used as a way of grouping or categorizing tweets, as Twitter does not have that functionality included. This allows you to go to Twitter Search, search for the hashtag and then follow all comments that include it. So in real time, you can follow the comments and respond to them, creating a conversation about a given topic.”

What’s happened is that people have overused the hash tag and annoyed virtually anyone who scans twitter (or facebook). If this idea were only used for categorizing tweets, that would be great. Problem is that people nowadays just hashtag anything that they want to describe. This creates a headache because most people are stupid and not funny or creative. So now the masses are killing something by overusing it and their overall witless nature is burying it.

I like the idea of a descriptive hashtag to describe something. People can be concise and humorous at the same time which is a win win. I don’t like when idiots use 5 different hash tags to describe the same thing. #beautiful isn’t a good hashtag. I wrote a tweet that said “Jennifer Love Hewitt got engaged. Unless her tits are out, nobody cares.” (Can you copy and paste tweets?) I should have went #titsorGTFO. I personally think that is moderately funny and worth the hashtag. I believe there is a place for the hashtag but it’s not for everyone and shouldn’t be used without thought. #Greatpost #AwesomeBlog #rnningfoolformayor

5 Jun, 2013

A Hoagie in Philly!

By Tom Stortz|2013-06-05T21:36:51-04:00June 5th, 2013|My Brain|1 Comment

We call it a hoagie!

This map clearly shows that the only place a hoagie is called a hoagie is the Philadelphia region. Everyone else knows a hoagie as a sub. This never even dawned on me that I am from the only place that uses the term hoagie. I remember college in Pittsburgh thinking it was weird that a hoagie was a sub or hero and obviously these Yinzers were way off the mark in their categorizing. We all know rubber bands aren’t gum-bands, and it’s slippery not slippy. After seeing this map, I have a bit more perspective that I was the odd man out. I think this is a great thing though because it stamps the fact that Philly has it’s own uniqueness in the sandwiches we create. There’s a reason it’s a PHILLY cheese steak and why we are the only people who know what a hoagie is. Things are created and perfected in Philly, something to be proud of. Why other places can’t nail down a cheese steak is almost comical because it’s such a simple sandwich. There is something special about a hoagie from Wawa.

The other map I enjoy is the soda / pop / coke map. Let’s be completely biased here and see exactly who calls it soda. The Northeast, Southwest, Milwaukee / St. Louis, and Florida. The full name is called Soda Pop. The noun is the first word. Smart people call things nouns. Pop is a descriptive feature of soda. The carbonation is the pop, not the drink. Pop is the sound a balloon makes when it breaks, not a drink. You’d also never call something by a brand name as it’s preferred choice. I no doubt have ordered a soda as “coke” before but that’s because I wanted coke. If I order a coke in the South is it possible to get a ginger ale?

Here are 22 other maps of areas that pronounce and use words various ways. I noticed that I said the words in the way my region did almost every time. It’s funny how easy it is to take the position that however you grew up and how words are pronounced and described around you is the right way. These should offer a larger perspective that just because you think one way, doesn’t mean a different person thinks another way and you both can be right. Being open minded is critical.

4 Jun, 2013

Dentist Drill

By Tom Stortz|2013-06-04T23:46:17-04:00June 4th, 2013|My Life|2 Comments

I went to the dentist today for a cleaning and I’m beginning to think it’s a scam. I regularly go every 6 months for them to clean my teeth and tell me that I don’t floss enough. Today the woman cleaning my teeth was poking around with a sharp pointed object and telling me there’s blood. No shit. Then she stumbled across some air pocket that she needed the actual dentist to check out. He looked at it and said that it was only an air pocket and no big deal. I tell this story because he could have told me I needed thousands of dollars of dental work when that air pocket was ready to explode. I would be clueless on whether any of it was necessary. I feel like the business of a dentist can never be bad because you can create work for yourself. What are you supposed to say if he tells you that you need to come back to get a cavity filled? You come back. People with full dental benefits couldn’t care less but when you pay for your own visits, you begin to question what hell is actually happening.

I don’t think anyone likes going to the dentist but there are way worse repercussions from not going compared to the minimal amount of money it takes to go. For the past 20 times I’ve gone to the dentist, they tell me the exact same thing, “you don’t floss enough”. I probably floss 4 times a week, they would want 14. My teeth don’t bother me in any regard whatsoever. However, the threat of future problems is another ploy they have in their back pocket. Once they get you in the chair (which is what they should focus on to be successful), they have you by the short hairs. If they gave me a hot dental hygienist, I probably wouldn’t complain, but that hasn’t been the case one time in my entire life. The Jennifer Aniston dentist fantasy definitely exists.

2 Jun, 2013

Best Debut Albums

By Tom Stortz|2013-06-02T23:41:42-04:00June 2nd, 2013|Music|1 Comment

While listening to Twenty One Pilots today, a thought hit me that an artist’s debut album is sometimes their best album. At the time I wasn’t aware that Vessel was their third album but after reading the info on Wikipedia, it’s clear why this album is finding radio play. “They worked with Greg Wells, producer of Adele and Katy Perry, on their first full-length album on Fueled by Ramen, Vessel.” Working with the right people can bring about success that unfortunately buries my argument but I’ll continue. I particularly like Holding on to You because the line “Holding On To You” is screamed in a way that makes it sincere.

I deduced that a brand new artist has no pressure, all the time in the world to perfect their music, and the ability to have a fresh sound without any interference. My idea is that a talented artist or group comes up with music that the public starts to dig, they work hard to produce their first album, then after success of their first album, they get put on a deadline by management to produce a second album. Thus subsequent albums are usually not as good and the success of the debut album is never lived up to. I’m going to provide 5 examples of debut albums that were far and away the pinnacle of their music. Not of their career, the actual music.

Panic At The Disco – A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out

Released in 2005, A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out put Panic on the map. “The hit single “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” received massive airplay, and Panic! at the Disco’s success came to a high-point when they won “Video of the Year” on the annual MTV Video Music Awards in 2006.” Camisado, Time to Dance, and Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off has got to be one of the best upbeat trio of songs in a row for this music genre. Their next CD’s produced hits such as Nine in the Afternoon, Ballad of Mona Lisa, and Ready to Go (used in a Coke commercial) but weren’t nearly as tight as their first CD.

Gaslight Anthem – The 59′ Sound

The 59 Sound was released in 2008 and rocks hard and croons soft and everywhere in between. “In December 2008, eMusic named The ’59 Sound the best album of 2008.” Each song deserves a listen which is something you don’t find much on full albums. I’ve probably listened to this album a hundred times through and it never gets old. Brian Fallon, who I’m sure no one knows about, is terrific and has a unique sound that people compare to Bruce but I don’t hear it. He’s his own Bruce. Great Expectations, 59 Sound, Old White Lincoln, The Patient Ferris Wheel, and Even Cowgirls Get The Blues are my favorite. Amazingly the follow up albums missed the mark. Hits such as American Slang, Boxer, 45, and Mulholland Drive were all good songs but I think their style got redundant. It’s not like they were bad, just no where as good as the 59 sound.

The Killers – Hot Fuss

Hot Fuss starts with 5 songs that STILL get radio airplay all the time, Jenny Was a Friend, Mr Brightside, Smile Like You Mean It, Somebody Told Me, and All These Things That I’ve Done. Most bands get lucky to have a song off an album that gets play 9 years later. Hot Fuss introduced the Killers like an 8 on the Richter scale. It is estimated to have sold more than 7 million copies worldwide, including more than 3 million in the United States and more than 2 million in the UK, where it has been certified six-times platinum. The rest of their albums haven’t ever come close to the success of Hot Fuss. Sam’s Town produced crap like When You Were Young, Read My Mind, and Bones. Sawdust had Shadowplay… I actually liked all of Day and Age but not many hits beside Human, Spaceman, and Dustland Fairytale. I even liked most of the new album Battleborn but it got completely overlooked. This is one of the main problems with hitting a home run with your first at bat, not living up to expectations.

Weezer – The Blue Album

All ten songs on the Blue Album should be listened to. You can never go wrong playing this album with a group of people unless they are completely lame. You know an album is good when the most popular song, Buddy Holly, is your least favorite. Surf Wax America, In the Garage, and Only in Dreams are my personal faves. To be perfectly honest, I never got into Weezer after this album. I heard their hits on the radio and never wanted to hear anything more. Island in the Sun was a good song… but everything else is worth only one listen to. Nothing Weezer has done after the Blue Album has been as good.

50 Cent – Get Rich Or Die Tryin’

I used to listen to rap in my early college years and this CD was played everywhere. Eminem’s verse on Patiently Waiting is still one of the best around. In Da Club is another song that will never die. Less known songs that owned were Heat, Back Down, and If I Can’t. Wanksta was on here too… As of January 2011, it has sold eight million copies in the US, making it the fourth best-selling hip hop album in the US. 50 tried to ride the wave but it crashed early. Candy Shop, Ayo Technology, and Baby By Me were some of his hits after but it was clear that 50 let fame get to his head and lost his drive towards creating. I probably would do if I made a hundred million of dollars endorsing vitamin water.

2 Jun, 2013

Finish it Lebron

By Tom Stortz|2013-06-02T10:32:20-04:00June 2nd, 2013|Sports|0 Comments

I’m not a huge NBA fan but the last thing I want to happen is for the Pacers to beat the Heat in game 7. Talk about a huge let down. A great thing has happened with the veteran Spurs, arguably the most consistent team in recent history, sweeping the Grizzlies and setting up an NBA championship WITH THE 2 BEST REMAINING TEAMS. The one thing that is stopping that is the Pacers.

The Heat have Lebron and he’s the best player in the NBA. No question about it. His supporting cast has been shaky and he is going to be the reason if the Heat win or lose this series. What I’ve noticed is that Lebron doesn’t have much chemistry with his teammates. Bron and Wade are so far apart that it’s weird even thinking of them as teammates because they haven’t been using each other whatsoever. When Ray Allen and Bosh disappear from the game, the Heat are a bunch of role players. I don’t think that will happen in Game 7 though back in Miami.

The Pacers had home court in game 6 and played a hell of a game even with Lebron making an effort to take over in the 4th. This play in particular is going to set up an exciting game 7 because this was the nail in the coffin of game 6. I don’t understand the charge call for what it’s worth. How strong is Lebron to get this ball up to the basket?

I think Lebron has turned into such a charismatic, humble, determined individual that I love watching him play the game of basketball. Once he stops selling the flops (which he only does to win the game which I understand), I’ll boost him up even higher.

Watch this post game interview and tell me that he doesn’t say all the right things.

Hibbert is playing like a beast and he can say and do whatever he wants at this point.

I will be tuned in for Game 7 and expect the Heat to take it home.

31 May, 2013

Proper Chainsaw Use

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:26:26-04:00May 31st, 2013|My Brain|0 Comments

I know, I saw it right away too.
No safety glasses!
No hearing protection!

And I caught something else that is really important:
He has no gloves on.

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

30 May, 2013

Vampire Weekend and The National Hit Spotify

By Tom Stortz|2013-05-30T13:35:15-04:00May 30th, 2013|Music|0 Comments

I’ve been checking in with Spotify every couple of days and this is the first time I noticed these two CD’s are now listenable. If you don’t have Spotify, get a clue. Reviews to follow or I may just update the post.

The National – Trouble Will Find Me

Trouble Will Find Me

I obviously haven’t listened to the entire CD yet but Don’t Swallow the Cap was a great first single. This CD was released on May 17th.

Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City

Modern Vampires of the City

I thought Diane Young was a bit poppy for my tastes but the Rolling Stone RARELY gives out 5 star reviews so I’m pretty pumped to listen all the way through. This CD was released May 14th.

29 May, 2013

Roundabout

By Tom Stortz|2013-05-29T22:47:46-04:00May 29th, 2013|Sports|0 Comments

My life posts are usually the weakest but every so often I do something that most people don’t get the opportunity to do. I woke at 5:30 today and drove up to Elizabethville (population 1,100) which is on the way to Penn State but you get off about an hour early at the Halifax exit. I was meeting a specialist in sash (window) restoration and was there to film some content for our line of paint scrapers in use. We spent the first part of the day going over his shop and capabilities and then discussed some product improvements that I would never have thought of myself. After some lunch we filmed about 13 minutes of content that will get edited down into an “advertisement” on youtube for our scrapers. I’m pretty excited to see what type of reaction we get to the video. That’s the great thing about having your own business, when you do something different like this, you get to see the benefit from the work put into the project. Days like these are what separate a person who goes to work everyday and someone who is making something happen. It also is a chance to get to spend time with someone who is an expert in their field and learn anything and everything you can.

2″ Stortz Paint Scraper

I finished up at 3pm and knew I had a long ride on the turnpike home so I decided to play a round of golf at a course I haven’t thought of for a long time, Royal Oaks. I used to go there with the Schmidt’s for a golf outing when we were about 13 and haven’t even considered playing there ever again. I didn’t bring shorts so I needed to purchase a pair in Lebanon which proved a funny story. I put shopping in my GPS and 3 miles from the course was my savior, a Kmart. I walked in and had to drop the kids off at the pool quickly because I hadn’t since the night before. I then purchased a non-cargo pair of Wranglers in a size 32 and they only cost $14! This stop couldn’t have gone better. I proudly put on the shorts and drove to the nearby Royal Oaks and got prepared to play a round.

Their twilight rate was $24 bucks cart included!!! Oddly enough, Gatorade was $3.00 and I stole a ball mark that was being sold for .10. Pricing isn’t their strong point perhaps. I asked if anyone had teed off ahead of me and he said not for an hour. Perfect. The first hole was an intimidating dogleg left Par 5 and I decided that for this round I was going to play 2 balls per hole and keep track of both scores. I didn’t take a single practice swing and thought the back tees would be fine (6747 yards) and I ripped one down the middle. The second ball was a tad right but in play and I was off. I’ll expand on the round but first want to detail the course. 10/10 for value, 8.5/10 for the course. Awesome condition, greens were slick and fair, actually required some shot making, and general overall enjoyment throughout the round. I used a 3 wood 4 times off the tee because driver would drive straight into trouble. Lots of water and the pins were well guarded. I thought it was very well laid out as none of the holes were on top of each other.

I won’t bog down the detail with every shot and score but I’ll give my impression of playing two balls per hole. My one self beat my other by 5 strokes (92, 97) which I gather isn’t too surprising. If I took best score on each hole I’d shoot an 82 which is probably what I can shoot when I play my best. Out of the 13 driving holes (26 drives), I had 6 that I would consider “very bad” drives. Meaning I basically missed the ball and it went nowhere. When you hit that many more drives, it starts to show how consistent you are off the tee and these 6 bad drives led to double and triple bogeys. I also hit 2 straight 6 iron shots in the water on the challenging, 192 yard, hole 16 par 3, which blew my mind because each shot was identical. I had an eagle attempt on the 501 par 5 13th when I was on in 2. I got a par. I think I lost a total of 5 balls which I don’t think was horrible. I started getting tired towards the end but I think that was mostly because of lack of water on the course (only downside) and the fact I was up early. I totally enjoyed the round and finished in under 2 and half hours which is unheard of for 36 holes. Tremendous idea by me.

Hole 4, Par 4 468 Yards

Royal Oaks Scorecard

28 May, 2013

This is Why Isla Fisher is Hot

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:24:01-04:00May 28th, 2013|Celeb|0 Comments

We all recognize Isla Fisher as the nympho psychopath Gloria in Wedding Crashers.

I kind of knew she was hot but I don’t think I ever fully appreciated how hot she really is. I dismissed her because she was so short compared to Vince Vaughn and had a secondary role in the movie. She then did about 10-15 movies of which I’ve never heard of (chick flicks) and then she popped up in Arrested Development as (Rebel Alley) and when I saw her I didn’t even recognize it was Isla Fisher. I thought to myself, “holy shit, who’s the total babe with a killer rack and beautiful face?” After some discussion with Sam, we confirmed it was Isla Fisher and she’s now 37! I swear she looks better at 37 than she did 7 years ago in Wedding Crashers. Now I have a feeling she may have had some work done but I thought enough of her to dedicate an entire blog post. Plus she’s married to Sacha Baron Cohen, converted to Judaism, and seems like a hilarious person to be around. I bet they throw the best dinner parties. A look at the transgression of Isla through her film years. Doesn’t she get hotter?

Scooby Doo (2002)