We Don't Walk Slow

Fargo – “Fear and Trembling”

I know Alex will appreciate this post and that’s good enough for me.

Dodd and Charlie shooting.

Episode 4 of Fargo was not as intense as prior episodes. Like always though, there are great lines and scenes to enjoy. The opening scene with Otto and Dodd was pretty badass and just confirms Dodd’s take no shit upbringing. He’ll be one to watch out for in future episodes. He also produced my favorite line when talking to Bear’s son Charlie – “Ok, Wild Bill, how’s this work.” Charlie proceeds to shoot all the bullets failing to address the reloading aspect in the heat of battle. I was equally amused when Charlie was punching the henchmen with one arm and ordered an old fashioned doughnut.

Hanzi noticing the bleach smell.

Hanzi is a modern day Indian tracker who rarely speaks and is a character you can’t take your eyes off of because he’s capable of who the hell knows what. I enjoyed him walking, instead of panicking, when the Lou arrived at the house.

My main man Mike Milligan (how’s that for an alliteration) had a pretty decent scene with Dodd’s daughter. By far the best part –

“You surprised me there at the end, your finger.”

“You like that?”

“Didn’t say I liked it, I said you surprised me”

He’s cool as a cucumber as always, especially in the scene with Otto. Blocking the car in was smooth and the silent assassins are growing on me a bit. How they were both playing solitaire in the hotel room was a riot. Back to that Otto scene, I’m an Otto fan. I want him to snap out of it and start leading the Gerhardt’s to war.

Peggy and Ed being morons.

The most boring characters are Kirsten Dunst-cap and Todd from Breaking Bad. Peggy and Ed seem to accomplish the least and get the most amount of screen time. Although vital to the story, I find myself checking out when they talk. I did particularly like the scene with Lou telling them to turn themselves in. I wanted to shake the shit out of Peggy and tell her to stop being a dumb bitch while simultaneously kicking Ed and telling him to confess. They’ll get theirs.

By Tom Stortz|2015-11-02T23:41:07-05:00November 2nd, 2015|Tv|1 Comment

Fargo is the Best Show on TV – OK THEN!

Mike MIlligan

Great, great episode tonight. Constant drama. Mike Milligan (Bokeem Woodbine) is evolving as my favorite character with Dodd Gerhardt a close second. I’ve asked multiple of my friends and people I encounter and no one seems to be watching it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

A bit of a showdown.

Season 1 was phenomenal with Billy Bob playing a badass. The larger lady cop wasn’t nearly as compelling as Patrick Wilson (State Trooper Solverson) this season. I’m completely hooked and I have a simple reason of knowing when a show is better than others, I never check my phone during the show. I pay attention to every detail because that’s how important every detail is to the creators the of show. It’s what separates the best from the rest. It’s on regular cable, FX, no excuses.

By Tom Stortz|2015-10-26T23:33:02-04:00October 26th, 2015|Tv|2 Comments

Max on 2 Broke Girls

[dropcap background=”yes” color=”#333333″]2[/dropcap] Broke Girls is now being prominently shown on TBS using Kat Dennings breasts as magnets. There is an actual commercial that focuses strictly on her boobs. Like, up close. Full zoom. I’m pretty sure it’s intentional. There should also be a study to see if they have their own gravitational pull.

This is hardly newsworthy except I’ve found myself checking in to 2 Broke Girls even the show itself is not very good. The laugh track is unbearable and the jokes are too PG for my humor. Even though I know I don’t like the show, I still subconsciously look for snippets of what I can only believe are Kat Dennings breasts.

2 Broke Girls is the anti-porn. With internet porn being readily available for well over a decade, people are open to new ideas such as clothed breasts. Hiring actors with big breasts is hardly new (Sofia Vergara on Modern Family, Kaley Cuoco in Big Bang, Rachel in Friends ((her’s might not have been overly big but they were accentuated at every moment)), but this show is embracing and promoting it. Jokes are structured around her boobs.

I’ve seen hundreds of boobs but her’s are magical because they have never been exposed and the show keeps them hidden behind that uniform. My brain keeps trying to picture them and it truly racks the mind. It’s the brilliance behind this show. Her character on the show is also a bitch which may also upgrade her. Her co-star is undoubtedly the hotter actress but doesn’t contain as much sex appeal (although her legs are killer).

My mom watches this show and enjoys it for different reasons than myself. She actually thinks it’s a good show (which it very well may be) but I just watched Fargo last night and we’re in different stratospheres of what makes a good show. My belief is this show only exists, and does well, because of Kat’s boobs. Not her face. Not her acting. Just her boobs. They steal the show.

Kat Dennings Gallery

: Can you make your elbows touch?

: Kat Dennings in the 40 Year Old Virgin

: Curvy Kat Dennings

: Glasses are good.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:27:53-04:00October 20th, 2015|Tv|2 Comments

Brian From Family Guy Acting Like a Dog

I’m a Family Guy fan. I’ve been watching the show since I’ve been in college and I think I’ve seen almost every episode. Earlier episodes were funnier than latter years because Seth MacFarlane was more involved in the creation process. Even still, I still watch the new episodes and it’s the perfect show to pick up in the middle if you are looking for a laugh.

I do have a favorite part of the show and that’s when Brian acts like a real dog. He’s a sophisticated character (he went to Brown) who dabbles in writing novels and intellectual political discussions. However, there are times when he still acts like a real dog and those are my favorite scenes.

By Tom Stortz|2015-03-16T11:01:50-04:00March 16th, 2015|Tv|1 Comment

Workaholics Trailer is Tight Butthole

Workaholics Trailer

The new, uncensored Workaholics Trailer (there are boobs and blood) for the upcoming season premiering January 14th has been released. Workaholics is the best show on Comedy Central and it’s quite apparent that the crew has been given enough money to do whatever they want.

These guys are great. I love how they made a trailer that has nothing to do with the season. It’s basically saying, we know you know what we do so we are going to have fun doing it. A few observations.

A little manscaping wouldn’t hurt.

Did you see Montez’ pubic hair in the trailer?
The special effects on the Karl shooting is a bit off.
Anyone think Alice is hot? I actually don’t but I know people do.
Volvo sales have Tripled.

Wayman is a must for every show.
I missed the VO the first time I watched it.

What people overlook is the cleverness of the dialogue in this show. It’s more than gross out humor which it has tons of. What Blake, Ders, and Adam find funny is a smarter version of what you and your friends find funny.

The song by Vanessa Carlton is in the background intro is money and this clip defines their personalities if you’ve never seen the show.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-11T12:45:57-05:00December 11th, 2014|Tv|0 Comments

A 2014 look at 1960’s Batman

The show Batman, produced in 1966 through 1968, is hilarious. The dialogue is clever and it gives a clear feeling of 60’s television. The special effects are lame by today’s standards but that’s what makes it enjoyable to watch.

Watch Batman and Robin climb a wall and imagine them doing it standing upright with the camera sideways. I can’t say for certainty that’s the way it was done but I would have to think so.

The phrases used to described when Batman and Robin got into fights were great too. Sock! Crack! KaPow! What is even more incredible is how one man and a boy (Robin is like 18) can beat multiple foes with nothing but they’re normal skills. Batman’ s utility belt is viewed as the greatest invention since sliced bread and all it does is emit some gas and has a grappling hook.

In this episode Joker was playing baseball and got launched over the jail wall by a huge spring.

By far though my favorite part to watch is the villains and how incompetent they are while seemingly being smart. Joker in particular is moronic. He likes to give clues to Batman to ensure that he gets caught. In an episode he says, he laughs last laughs good. The following dialogue takes place:

Alfred: The sentence was grammatically incorrect. One does not laugh good, sir. One laughs well

Batman: Why, that’s it, Alfred! Laughs well! Laughwell! Professor James J. Laughwell!

Then Batman arrives at the scene and the Joker is surprised! Adam West is wonderful though and it make you appreciate the Family Guy reference. The show produced 120 episodes over 3 years so there isn’t much behind each episode except for the same story line being used episode after episode. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

By Tom Stortz|2014-11-24T21:27:52-05:00November 21st, 2014|Tv|2 Comments

These TV Shows and Movies Shouldn’t Have Been Made

Good series and movies should be forced to end once they have decreased in quality and start to bring down the name. It’s commonplace for execs to try to squeeze every last penny out of an idea because it is so difficult to have something become a mega hit. Fans are much more realistic at pinpointing when enough is enough. The Wire and Breaking Bad are good examples of TV series called off at the right time. Soprano’s and Dexter are examples of series running too long. Lord of the Rings and Star Wars are great examples of high quality trilogy’s that should have stayed as trilogy’s. Hangover and Austin Powers are good examples of movies that just kept getting worse. Here are a few upcoming bad ideas.

24 – Live Another Day

Jack is back. 24 is an incredible idea for a show. Have one super character play out an hour per episode of one action packed day. I was hooked the first time I started to watch the show. Jack saving the city from nuclear weapons and from viruses was compelling because it had never been done like that before. As the seasons dragged on, there were 8, the reasons Jack was saving the world got weaker and weaker.

Character development also took a hit. I always found it odd when Jack would have romantic relationships with characters in the show because there is no way a human being like him could carry a relationship. Plus who could forget Nina and Tony Almeida. I never liked how CTU seemed to always have a mole roaming around which got incredibly old after while.

The idea of creating a new Jack is bad. He’s already a Chuck Norris like figure, just let him fade off into the sunset. No one likes Chloe and the whole series is already watered down at this point. Lay it to rest. Fox just picks a new location and will let Jack run loose killing bad guys with outrageous weapons. I’ll probably watch it anyway and make fun it the entire time. This show jumped the shark when Kim got attacked by the mountain lion.

22 Jump Street

Huh? The first movie wasn’t that great, why make a sequel? The first half of the movie was entertaining and the next hour completely sucked. Very similar to This is the End which I can only hope a This is the End 2 doesn’t come along. I’m not sure how movies like this get made. I’m even more surprised that they pick up 4 stars on the Comcast review.

Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum aren’t bad but the movie is guaranteed to have no plot. It’s a straight up comedy that is going to suck and try way too hard. Trying too hard is the worst type of comedy. I’m sure there fun to make and people will pay money to see it because of the name, but the movie is going to be worse than the first one and that’s saying a lot. Think Anchorman 2.

Star Wars: Episode VII

Why is this being created after the disasters that were 1-3? Disney brings back the original cast, who are all wearing depends at this point, and decides to make an episode 7 to follow up the originals. Nothing good can come out of this. JJ Abrams has to be the biggest moron on the planet to undertake this challenge. Now obviously he is getting paid handsomely but there is no way the Star Wars geeks are going to gravitate to an updated Star Wars. People don’t like change. They like the idea of Star Wars and what it meant to them 30 years ago. New is bad in this case. I’m flabbergasted that the original cast wants to undertake this project. I hope the project gets annihilated by the Deathstar. This atrocity is set to open on December 18th, 2015.

New Star Wars Cast

By Tom Stortz|2014-04-30T21:07:19-04:00April 30th, 2014|Movies, Tv|0 Comments

6 TV Shows That Ran Too Long

I watch too much TV. I’d like to think I have a pretty good idea of whether what I’m watching is good or not. I’ve compiled a list of only 6 TV shows that aired far longer than they should have. If the greedy executives behind the show cared more about quality and less about money, they should have seen this too. I should point out that in some of these examples, I quit watching when I deemed that the show got stupid.

Dexter

What can I say except that Dexter ended the series as a lumberjack faking his own death. In the same episode he secretly concealed Deb out of the hospital and gave her a bizarre burial at sea. These were only the icing on the cake because the show should have ended when Dexter killed John Lithgow seasons ago. The villains in the last few seasons were corny and the show was weakening without dynamic murderers. The premise behind a serial killer murdering bad people while being on the police force was cool… for a period of time. Once you stretch that past 4 seasons with ridiculous plot twists, you get tired and that’s exactly what happened.

Californication

I stumbled upon this show and a 9th? seasons started last Monday night. I was surprised it was still going. Hank Moody is a great character and his fucked up family life and womanizing ways was intriguing. The dialogue is generally hilarious and at one point I thought this was one of the best shows on television. I stopped watching after the season with RZA from Wu-Tang. The show kept having to one up itself and that’s not good. Realistic television is the best television and once you bypass that point, you need to quit. The current season has Hank fathering an unknown child. No thanks. Runkle is still great.

The Walking Dead

I couldn’t watch the current season of the Walking Dead. I actually started it and got pissed off that Carl was trying to be a badass and the Daryl – hot blonde girl episode was the worst I’ve ever seen. During the jail season, I knew what I was watching was getting stupider. The governor wasn’t bad by any means but he wasn’t as good as season 1 when you actually were anticipating what was going to happen next. It’s bizarre to think that a show could be so compelling in its first season and go downhill from there. However, with the idea of surviving a zombie apocalypse, this runs its course after 2 seasons.

The Simpsons

I haven’t watched a new Simpsons episode in 10 years. I can’t believe it’s still going. The glory days of the Simpsons were incredible. I remember buying the episode guide and reading up on every single episode and loving every bit of it. Maybe I was younger then but it feels like the show just stopped being funny. It was too much of a good thing. Why continue this series? The ideas have to keep getting zanier and creatores have to keep coming up with jokes that are just being recycled. Family Guy is hitting this phase as well.

True Blood

Haven’t watched True Blood in many seasons. This was an interesting show when the Bill and Sookie romance was hitting its peak and there were only vampires. Once the werewolves and pixies and lord knows what else hit, the show became diluted and dumb. Jason Stackhouse was a quality actor though for the first few series.

Weeds

Never watched the finale. This is one of the best examples of a show that needed to quit while it was ahead. The first couple seasons were awesome. I remember not being able to wait to watch the next episode. The idea of a pot dealer was fresh because this show was on Showtime and they could do things network TV couldn’t. Once the hole to Mexico got involved and the family kept moving around, I lost interest. I think this show jumped the shark when Shane clubbed the woman over the head with a mallet.

By Tom Stortz|2014-04-19T11:58:30-04:00April 19th, 2014|Tv|0 Comments

Smart Thinking

What makes people smart? Back in grade school, the smart kids were the ones who memorized the material the best. In college, they were the ones who took on extra activities and made the most of their time in procuring a job. When school gets finished, the smart ones are the ones who produce the best ideas. I’ve always been fond of this quote, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” With 7 billion people on this planet, a lot of ideas are produced an only a miniscule amount of them are any good. So what makes a good idea?

Good ideas makes people think. Sam wrote this tweet:

Just realized “Trust Sleepy’s for the rest of your life” was a pun. Genius marketing!

— Sam Stortz (@SamStortz_SODMG) April 7, 2014

This is smart thinking because it’s a play on words. The bed could act as a casket and also a nice place to sleep. When your brain has to produce thoughts to understand what is happening, that is good. Smart people like having to think to understand something.

Another example is a song lyric that says “I feel so alone when I’m without you.” This is a normal feeling that when you are not with someone, you feel alone. Now change the word without to with, “I feel so alone when I’m with you.” Now this lyric has developed into something deeper and requiring more thought. This lyric says more about a relationship that isn’t working out and the person feels alone even when they are together. The contradicting nature of being alone when you are together makes for a thoughtful phrase.

Girl in the back is the hottest girl in the show

The same logic applies to why people get so hung up on Game of Thrones. The writing makes it so that there is nothing obvious. Anyone can be killed off and all plot lines twist and turn. This makes people ponder what is going to happen next and this creates a big buzz. True Detective, Twin Peaks, and all of the other best series have this same feeling. Everyone was guessing what was going to happen. This is a huge metric when deciding whether something is considered “good”. It’s why I know Twilight is bad. The more thought that something provides, the better it is.

So how is this concept applied to the real world? I’ve found that most people don’t like to think. The majority of people are happy living their life and being told what to do. Thinking isn’t something that seems important. For me this blog is my thinking. It’s my outlet to what goes on through my mind and I like sharing it with others. I don’t even consider myself all that smart. I’m just a guy who has learned how to put his ideas into WordPress. Out of the box thinking is crucial because the limits to this world are unknown. Anything can happen and the mind is a powerful tool.

By Tom Stortz|2014-04-07T20:30:31-04:00April 7th, 2014|My Brain, Tv|1 Comment

Facts About The US Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Did you know this?
The Jeopardy Question No One Could Answer
ARLINGTON CEMETERY
Jeopardy Question

On Jeopardy the other night, the final question was “How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns?” —- All three missed it —

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns and why?
21 steps: It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute which is
the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?
21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1

3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time and, if not, why not?
He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.

5. How often are the guards changed?
Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?
For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5′ 10′ and 6′ 2′ tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30.

They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform or the tomb in any way..

After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.

There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform.. Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror.

The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone nor watch TV. All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery .. A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred. Among the notables are:

President Taft, Joe Lewis {the boxer}, Medal of Honor winner Audie L. Murphy, the most decorated soldier of WWII and of Hollywood fame.

Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington, DC, our US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm.. On the ABC evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They respectfully declined the offer, “No way, Sir!” Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a service person. The tomb has been patrolled continuously,
24/7, since 1930.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:26:09-04:00April 7th, 2014|Tv|1 Comment