Everyone looks forward to a weekend away and this past one for me was no different. The Big Dawg got a group of 9 people together to head out to Swanton, MD for a weekend filled with booze, golf, and overall antics.
Deep Creek, MD
Evan, Adam and myself took off from Philly to head to Deep Creek which was a 4.5 hour drive. To start the trip, I ran over an unidentified non-flying object that sounded exactly like what blowing out a tire sounds like. Wonderful. I pulled into a gas station and got the tires checked out by local mechanic, Roy, who we slipped $20 dollars for his time to make sure all was good. To pass the time on the ride up, we played a game where you had to name a country, city, or geographic landmark with a chosen letter and then continue with the letter on the end of that word. For instance, if I said Oslo, Evan would have to play off the O. This continues until you strike 3 times which tends to happen as you run out of names that start with Y. I also wonder what school district I would have been in if I lived there.
Our house
When we arrived at Kathleen’s Crossing, we enjoyed the nice setting that the Big Dawg had chosen. We had a 5 bedroom house right on the lake with plenty of activities to offer such as a theater room, pool, and a patio for beer pong. Everyone arrived in due time and we spent the evening playing pong, pool, and poker. The late night was getting political and I was pretty drunk by night’s end after many games of pong which was highlighted by Hetrick making 4 cops in a row in a money game. I wasn’t there so I can’t attest.
The morning arrived and Stacks cooked breakfast sandwiches for the group. Our tee time was 10:30 and we pretty much had the course to ourselves. I don’t have too much of note other than shooting a 103 by hitting over the green on almost every approach shot. The course was called Fantasy Valley and aside from the lack of a turn, and a bizarre method of handing out ice, it worked out well for the group. We then headed to Honi Honi where we ate Uno pizza and drank a few frozen drinks.
When we got back parts of the group hit the hot tub and other parts napped. I even managed to go on a run after drinking all day which I wouldn’t recommend. The NFL draft was taking place so that helped pass the time as people started boozing. Schmitt had the line of the night when he said he would detonate Hafer’s suicide vest if he was in the middle of a Hilary and Trump rally. I actually can’t remember the exact line but I was rolling. We then made a fire and shot the shit. The night concluded with Hafer using his Chromecast to show videos of network late night TV that I’m pretty sure no one ever wants to watch.
Big dog leg on hole #4
I woke up feeling fine on Saturday and started chugging the home brew Gatorade. We had another golf round scheduled for the day at Lodestone, which was ranked as #36 out of 100 of public courses in 2014. The course was in beautiful shape although I would agree with the Big Dawg that we played from the wrong tee boxes as aside from the par 5’s, every hole was driver – sand wedge. The Big Dawg came to play and was eating healthily. He birdied 2 of the first 3 holes and with our favorite line on hole 2. I saw a ball on the green and assumed Hafer had chipped it there on his 3rd shot and said, “nice chip.” He said, “yeah, from 110 yards.” I either wasn’t listening close enough or didn’t get it and once again said, “nice chip.” Hafe said it was a “heat seeking missile”. Still not realizing he hit the ball there on his 2nd shot, he continued to amuse himself with my lack of understanding. It was funnier in real life.
That takes us to the infamous baba booey hole on #9. Hafer was 1 or 2 over on the 9th when Snakes decided to yell out the phrase used by Howard Stern fans after a ball is driven at a tournament. A split second after Hafer swung, Baker screamed out the phrase and Hafer duffed the ball. I’m 100% certain the scream was after impact and had no effect but Kuratnick swears he has never seen Hafer duff the ball in his lifetime. Ever. Either way the Big Dawg blew up a career round but still finished the low man with an 87.
To make a round even more wacky we go to hole #12. Baker decided to piss on a hole (which was literally every hole) and did so on a person’s yard. I didn’t know what was going on but an old man came charging out of his house, furious, yelling at Baker, “where do you live?” He got up in his face as Baker was apologizing for peeing in his yard but the old head was having none of it. He had no interest in Hafer’s rebuttal that the bathroom wasn’t working behind us. I liked when he said that Baker wasn’t even discreet and that he had children in the house. I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically without upsetting the old man.
You can see the ball in this picture.
I ended up hitting the green on the 17th hole with a nice 170 yard 7 iron and won a few greenies which put me up on the day for skin and cash play. I finished with a 96 and really thought I hit the ball well but struggled out of the sand and on a few approach shots once again. Fun times though.
“I’ve been building fires for 30 years.”
We headed back to the house and started up a game of bags and watched Het Daddy show us what a bag player looks like. Addasheee and Stacks proved the team to beat though. Shots started being taken by the losers and the situation was getting turnt up. A hilarious discussion about fire expertise started between Stacks and Bakes and the “how mountain man are you?” talks began. The #1 mountain man, Schmitt, stepped up and cooked an awesome meal of steak, potatoes, and green beans that was enjoyed by the entire group. If I had to cook a meal for 9 people I’m pretty sure I’m calling it in. This separates the city folk from people with actual life skills.
The evening wound down with some intense Scattergories play which I’ll vie to say should be outlawed in all countries. My major suggestion would be not to take it personal when you get voted down. I think this is easier to do from my perspective because I’ve played it a bunch of times and really don’t care if I win or lose. After everyone got settled, we played a poker tournament where I sucked out on Futures Justin who couldn’t see the diamond I hit on the end coming. Stackhouse and I ended up chopping the total. Late night finished with more Chromecast as per usual.
This is a really great group of guys who all get along and know how to have a good time. People don’t squabble about money or get into petty arguments that turn into awkward situations which no one wants to be apart of. I enjoyed the time thoroughly even though I’m no mountain man. Although I bet that Wisp guy is killing it.
Everybody faces the same decisions as they advance in age – behavior that was fun when you were younger (excessive drug and alcohol intake, indiscriminate sexual encounters with the powerfully magnetic and questionably sane, residing in shitholes with hygiene-averse scumbags) can’t continue when you get older or else the death march gets accelerated. Mature people learn over time how to structure their lives in such a way that the likelihood of dying is minimized. Eventually the menu of fun items that won’t instantly kill you is reduced to a small selection of spicy entrees, then a zesty appetizer or two, then a glass of water and a spoon (because forks and knives could cut your terrifyingly translucent skin, you decrepit old coot.) – Steven Hyden, “Your Favorite Band is Killing Me”
I’ve spend the last 2 days recovering from an alcohol induced hangover from a Memorial Day Party. This process even had me miss the opener of Center City Sips which is usually a highlight to the mid week. However, as I age, reconstruction to my normal life doesn’t occur as quick as it did in the past.
If you watched my videos on Friday, you’d know I didn’t enter the weekend in the best condition. The hangover effects only worsened as my day went on. The alternator in car, which had 63,000 miles, failed and this leads to all electric functions in your car to die. I failed in my efforts to jump it because the battery pack I was using wasn’t fully charged. I learned this on Tuesday when I spent $95.00 for a service call and Triple A jumped it within 2 seconds doing it the exact same way I tried. With my car failing and me on Friday, and my needing to get to the Pocono’s to join my family, I rented a neon blue Dodge Charger, the ultimate D-Bag vehicle. Money wasted and not the best start to the weekend.
