Each one of these females have some unique characteristic that puts them where they are in my own personal mind. So this isn’t exactly my 1.2.3.4.5 but just 5 girls who top my list in no particular order, there just happens to be 5 of them because it’s not too few and not too much work. Another thing to note is that it’s not necessarily because they are hotter than other females, they just happen to be my 5. On to the list.

Hayden Panettiere


I’m probably the least sentimental towards Hayden because I haven’t really seen much she’s done. I’m just aware of her existence and in *Lloyd Christmas voice* I like you a lot. Just look at that GIF. That body is tight as can be and her face is absolutely beautiful. The dating Vladimir Klitschko is certainly off putting because he probably stretched it all out but still, she should be on every guy’s list. The best part of her Wikipedia and shows her intelligence “Panettiere has a tattoo of the Italian words Vivere senza rimipianti running down her left side. The word rimpianti is misspelled in what otherwise would mean “Living Without Regrets”. We’ll just assume she meant to do that and is really advanced.

Bree Olson

You may, but probably won’t, know her as Charlie Sheen’s goddess. Now I’m not sure if the mass public really understands who Bree Olson is. She’s porn star obviously but what isn’t known is that she’s the dirtiest, filthiest, nastiest porn star out there. I’m not saying compared to the really extreme, next level shit but she has such a mouth on her. That was an accidental pun I stumbled into but she is just the master of dirty talk. If you watch it and don’t want to fuck her after her video, something is wrong with you.

Tiffani Amber Theissen


Tiffani Amber is a straight up nostalgia bang. I remember being 13 or something and would just crush on Kelly and this was probably before I even knew what jerking off was. This was pure love. The fact that she grew up and become a smokeshow is just all the better. She never really blossomed into mainstream Hollywood which I think is all the cooler. It means she never sold out. I just found out she dropped the Amber.

Jennifer Love Hewitt


She stole my heart as Amanda Beckett in Can’t Hardly Wait. When she’s in the train station with Ethan Embry I’m just thinking, goddammit Ethan you lucky son of a bitch, fate only takes you so far, bang the shit out of her. The thing was that she just continued to get hotter. She peaked in heartbreakers and probably still looks great today according to the recent picture above proving females can still look good past 30. I will always consider myself a JLH fan.

Katy Perry

She really just tops my celebrity fuck list. I think it’s the power, the prestige, the talent and the boobs. I’d be lying completely if I didn’t think she has the best rack on this planet. She’s just a really beautiful human being who knows how to use what was giving to her. I just can’t rightfully top her. No kidding. Her and Russell Brand used to have wheel chair sex which shows her acceptance to new ideas. Plus she even had the guts to rock her cleavage on Sesame Street, how great is that!

Honorable mention: Stacy Kiebler, Selma Hayek, Sofia Vergera, Kate Upton