The Soft Talking Barber

I know I need a haircut when the back of my neck starts getting wild hairs. My top wasn’t too long, but I prefer my hair short, so I figured what the hell. I stroll into Mario’s and Irena (is it Irene?) is finishing up. I sit down and wait, she collects payment from the last customer, then sits down on her seat acting like I wasn’t going to pick her because I’m waiting for one of the male barbers. Wrong. I don’t give a shit who cuts my hair. Out of the 200+ times I’ve been to Mario’s, I’ve probably gotten her less than 5. It’s not that I don’t actively choose her, it’s only these other guys expect me to pick them. Anyway, I sit down and ask her if it’s been busy. She says a sentence and the only word I pick up is vacation. She is speaking so soft, and she’s from Russia or the Ukraine so she has a bit of an accent, that communication was going to be difficult. After the initial intro, it gets silent for a bit, then I ask her if she’s taken any trips and she tells me she just got back from a Cruise. We talk about that and it’s the same problem. I hear in and out but I can’t respond appropriately because I can’t hear her. At one point she tells me about this full facemask snorkeling gear that’s new and asked if I ever tried it? Earlier I told her I hadn’t been on a cruise or to the islands in 10 years but I just said that I was aware of it even though I had no idea. She said another soft sentence and I just nodded my head and said, “yeah, that sucks”. Then she was like, “no, it’s great because it doesn’t mess up your make up.” At that point we were getting close to the end and she actually used a razor blade on my sideburns and neck which felt pretty nice with the warm shaving cream. No male barber would do that. For this extra service I figured I was supposed to tip more but I have no idea what she expects as a reasonable tip. The haircut was $18 and I gave her $23. I felt stingy but still have no idea.

The Quiet Dental Pitch

I go to the dentist every 6 months and my dental care has improved over time. I regularly brush twice a day (at least) and floss at least 5 times a week. I’d consider my dental hygiene adequate but I’m regularly told that my gums have pockets and I have to floss 24 hours a day. There have been hygienists in the past who will purposely pick at my gums to see how much they bleed and it’s not fun. My current one is incredibly delicate and it’s actually a pleasant experience. It doesn’t hurt that she’s pretty, around my age, and a normal person. I would make a move but I’m pretty sure she’s married (Meet the Staff) (guess who?). Anyway, she finishes the cleaning and the higher up dentist looks at my teeth and suggests veneers for the 2 front teeth that I chipped when I face planted on the sidewalk. I don’t doubt the veneers would be better so I went along with the pitch and listened. We went to the front where I was met with another pretty girl who was going to give me the details of the veneers.

She asks, “do you have any questions?”

“Just one, how much doesn’t it cost?”

“Let’s go into this room.”

The exact room

We go into this room with a computer and nice presentation where she shows me the what a veneer is and how my teeth are currently set up. She asks again, “do you have any questions?” Same response. I knew I was in trouble when the paper she put on the desk was facing downward. She flips it over and I look at it and say, “whoa, whoa, whoa, is that the price of my bill or my telephone number?” Family Guy reference fwiw and I didn’t actually say this. Anyway it was $5,700 for 2 crowns and 2 veneers and I was like See Ya Later.