I thought Sam’s Shayna story was funny and it’s usually not a bad idea to replicate success.  I was a bit disappointed though in Great Cricket Escape which was not worth reading because crickets do not instill much fear .  A story about a bigger, badder, meaner black girl beating up a smaller, weaker, wussier, white suburban boy is much more interesting.  I rattled my brain for a story worth telling and until I get into my alcohol years, I have few.  This story sets the tone for the rest of my life.


2001 – University of Pittsburgh

I was incredibly green coming into college.  I was 17 with virtually no high school drinking experience.  My first night ever of drinking I probably had 5 beers, puked in the corner of a CMU frat house on the dance floor, and made out with this not very attractive girl after puking which didn’t dawn on me at the time wasn’t appropriate.  That was the very first time I seriously tried to get drunk but this story takes place about 3 weeks later.

Beer_Bong_5I was at a house party in an area of Oakland that seemed miles away from campus but was actually about a 10 minute walk on Dithridge.  I was there with Ed and Lauren and someone at the party had brought out a beer bong.  I’d never seen a beer bong before and after 3 weeks of drinking experience, I was ready to give it a go.  I probably bonged 3 beers and was amazed at how easy it was.  At this point I had a great buzz going and went downstairs to hang out in another area of the party not knowing what was coming.

Within a few minutes, the cops show up at the party and tell everyone in the basement to leave the party.  Without knowing proper protocol for a party being busted, I staggered up the stairs with a beer in my hand right in front of the officers.  They took this as a sign of disrespect and pushed me up against the wall.   I was being cited for an underage and the cop asking me “how stupid can you be?”  This wouldn’t be the first police officer asking me this question in my life.

100412campus1I went through the process of them taking my information (which at that time I didn’t even know) and they sent me to wander home.  I got back to the Towers and immediately went to the bathroom to puke.  While I was hugging the toilet this random bro looked over the stall and told me that if I put my fingers down my throat, it’ll work better.  I proceeded to vomit everything out and shamelessly went to bed thinking that this was a monumental disaster.

arrested-developmen-george-michael-sad-walkI woke up early on a Sunday morning to try to take care of this underage before anyone found out.  I hopped on a bus to go downtown to the courthouse to clear this mess up.  Remember, this is 2001 and I’m in a city that I’ve never been to before while still drunk and trying to figure out how the buses work.   After an incredible journey to get to the court house, they were closed.  Any idiot would’ve known this.

I got back to campus and was fretting over this citation.  I ended up talking to my cousin who was a cop and pleaded “not guilty”.  What ended up happening was that I had to take an alcohol education class and attend 5 AA meetings.  I’m 17 years old, have drank 3 times in my life, and am attending AA.  Those were some hilarious meetings.

I wish that something more interesting had happened for this story but real life sometimes doesn’t deliver as much as a fabrication.  Either way, this started my run ins with the law.  I was going to dedicate an entire post to them but the post would be 10,000 words.  The other problem is that I usually can’t remember all the details.  I have a good dozen or so that come to mind.  This next one is not a full story so I figured I’d include it.


Manayunk Post Office Caper

110909011159-rubio-postal-trucks-story-topI used to get pretty wild in Manayunk and my walk homes from the bar would get epic.  One night I climbed the fence of the Manayunk Post Office and the cops saw me inside this fenced in area with all the Postal Trucks surrounding me.  I didn’t know what my intention was other than I wanted to see if I could climb the fence.  The cops were pretty pissed off and ordered me to climb back over the fence because they didn’t want to do it in their gear.  The fence was what I remember to be 10 ft high but who actually knows.  I was lit up at the time and knew that if I climbed back over the fence they would give me a citation.  We ended up having a stand off for a few minutes negotiating terms and then I climbed over.  I remember climbing over the top screaming, “I’m going to tear my sac.”  They actually did let me go or I ran away, I can’t recall.