We Don't Walk Slow – Page 40

20 Jul, 2016

Most Hated People at the Moment

By Tom Stortz|2016-07-20T14:45:14-04:00July 20th, 2016|Celeb|3 Comments

People in power are downright dirty and have probably lied, cheated and stolen their way to the top. Here are the top candidates of the past few weeks.

Taylor Swift

Fuck the Swifties. Everyone thought Kanye was the mastermind but it’s actually T Swift. The whole “Kanye never showed me the lyric” act was put on blast by that massively bottomed woman and people started getting pissed at Taylor because she had agreed to its use. These characters are so goddamn calculated that I believe 0% of whatever it is they show the world. You should too. Here’s what really happened:

Kanye asked Taylor a head of time if they could start some beef. She instantly knew the VMA’s were coming up (August 28th) and that she hasn’t released an album since Oct ’14 and is out of singles.
She agreed to Kanye coming up with the most far fetched idea (that she would have sex with him) and staged the call Kim snapped. Kanye has to involve Kim to keep up the ratings of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Now the beef is back between the 2 parties and all media is eating up. It will be the most talked about story line from now until the next ridiculous set of events begins.

Here is the entire conversation Taylor & Kanye had, judge for yourself. pic.twitter.com/InTjvPGKe3

— ShadyPopMusic (@ShadyPopMusic) July 18, 2016

Donald Trump

The ultimate con artist. Do you honestly believe that Donald didn’t tell Melania to copy Michelle Obama’s speech? I imagine these two sitting in bed and Melania shitting bricks about having to give a speech because her English sucks. Trump doesn’t think twice and tells her to copy Michelle’s and we’ll figure it out later. No press is bad press and bad press is what Makes America Great Again. I don’t think he shoots from the hip as often as people think he does. He purposely pisses people off knowing exactly that he does and says wrong things. It’s like he bends the people as far as possible without breaking them. When I watched John Oliver’s episode on Trump University he made the point that Trump doesn’t sell purpose, he sells you an attitude. Same concept with politics. He has no clue what he’s doing with the policies but he makes you feel like you are part of a radical change by insulting others and generally being a bad ass.

Kevin Durant

Selling out is sad. Oklahoma City has a genuine affinity for KD and watching a player trade love for gold is hurtful. The Thunder were 1 game away from the finals last year until Klay Thompson went nuts. This was not a superstar who left because his team sucked. He left because he knows that players are only remembered for how many championships they win and adding his fire power to GSW should be unstoppable. How often do people reference Karl Malone and John Stockton? What about Patrick Ewing? Reggie Miller? Guys who don’t win are always second class and Durant sold out to be part of a team that won the most games in NBA history WITHOUT HIM last year. I hope that he fucks up the chemistry and the team completely falls apart. You have my word that at least 3 of the Warriors 4 stars will get injured next year.

18 Jul, 2016

A Concoction of Shit

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:33:34-04:00July 18th, 2016|My Life|0 Comments

I have about 10 ideas for posts and they are all shitty so they don’t warrant their own post. This leaves me with a lot of ideas that I’m going to use bullet points because people love bullets.

I enjoy John Oliver and dislike Bill Simmons. Oliver is a spark plug and Simmons is a glass of water. I look forward to John Oliver’s recap of relevant topics and I only watched the Ben Aflac interview and Aaron Rodger’s and I fell asleep half way through. Oliver makes boring topics interesting and vice versa for Simmons. What the fuck was Simmons wearing?
I’ve been listening to the top 45 on Sirius the past 2 weekends and hate to admit that I enjoy some pop. Charlie Puth and Selenies with “We Don’t Talk Anymore” and Timeflies “Once in a While” have made my playlist. I like these songs but the catch is too…catchy, which makes them last about a week or two. I also envision Selena singing those hot lyrics to me as I let her know “we don’t talk anymore.”
Our bowling squad had the best night of the season tonight and only managed a 2-2. Evan rolled some 226 heat with his high game of the year and Sam followed with a 244 which helped but wasn’t enough to offset some clunkers. We are middle of the pack after the 0-4 last week but we’re making head way. It sucks when the averages go up and you don’t win many games. I rolled a nice 600+ series and even left some easy pins on the table so I’m pleased.
I’ve been enjoying golf even though I’m not exactly scoring. Same issue with not practicing enough to elevate my game. The pars are coming but I’m having far too many blow up holes. I had 7 pars on Saturday but instead of combining that with bogey’s, I’m tossing in many doubles and triples. It’s only July so I’m expecting to post some better rounds in August now that I’m warmed up and feeling good.
Rounders Knish and The Big Lebowski’s Jesus

The Night Of is a worthwhile TV show. Boggs is coming off as the most watchable character with Turtorro not far behind. The portrayal of the criminal justice system seems quite lifelike. Danny McBride in Vice Principals is entertaining but the Walter Goggins as Russell steals the show. It’s not a good show but I’ll laugh through it.

So that’s all I got. I’ll try to run some posts together but I’ve been struggling with good content. Til next time.

17 Jul, 2016

The Open Was Electric

By Tom Stortz|2016-07-18T10:14:36-04:00July 17th, 2016|Sports|1 Comment

The Clarett Jug

I didn’t watch much of the Open aside from the last 5 holes and it was riveting. 2 players who were far better than the field competing neck and neck. Phil’s up and down on 17 was unbelievable. Stenson was unflappable. These guys were sharing an attribute that no one else on the entire planet has. You have to think that there was a reason why Phil and Henrik were so much better then everyone else.

Competition – These two were in the final group for 2 days straight and they must have leveled each other up a few notches. Henrik made history that hasn’t been done in 43 years by shooting a 63 in the final round of a major.
Camaraderie – The one part of golf that most casual fans don’t get is that as much as it’s an individual game, you are affected by your surroundings. Henrik and Phil probably had some crazy “one up” each other vibe that lead them to these insane rounds. They probably both enjoyed each other’s company and excelled as part of the synergy.
Course – Links is a bit different and it’s possible Henrik has a lot of experience with these courses because he’s from Europe and Phil is just flat out old. Who has more experience than him on the tour? Ernie Els? Vijay Singh? Speith, Day, and DJ are all young guys who maybe don’t play these types of courses. Royal Troon set up nicely for them,

The bottom line is that I knew I was watching an epic event because I was literally smiling at the TV as Henrik sank the putt on 18 and watching people congratulate him. Tough, tough, tough break for Phil. Guy plays out of his mind and loses to a Hugo Boss model who hit almost every green in regulation and is more machine than man. I never really loved Phil’s demeanor but watching him today was tremendous. A new found respect. I’m sure most of you didn’t watch it and could care less but every so often an amazing occurrence…occurs and it’s worth sharing.

15 Jul, 2016

The Eagles Will Be Worse Than The Sixers

By Tom Stortz|2016-07-15T13:58:27-04:00July 15th, 2016|Sports|2 Comments

Fail

Last year I thought the Eagles were going to be unstoppable. Bradford fitting into Chip’s system perfectly with Demarco running the rock up the gut would be too much too handle. This year I think the exact opposite for the offense.

We know what we are getting with Bradford. He’s serviceable but will make costly mistakes. If I had to pick a QB to lead me to victory in the last 4 minutes, Bradford would be in my bottom half of QB’s in the league.
Can you even recognize who this is?

They have no run game. I won’t count out Spoles because he had a great last year but he’s one year older and not a workhorse. Mathews will inevitably get hurt and he’s not a superstar anyway. Barner may rise but time will tell.
The wide receivers are not nearly as good as people think. Matthews put up his numbers in garbage time of blow out games. He had 997 receiving yards (159 against Arizona in a 17-40 rout) which is decent for a #2 receiver, not a #1. Nelson Agohlor posted a catch % of 52.3% which ranked 183 out of 212 eligible WR’s, this was slightly ahead of Riley Coopers’ 51.2%.
Is Julie Johnston a bigger star than Ertz?

I think Ertz and Celek are pretty good and I wouldn’t mind using Ertz like a Gronk. He can’t block though?
I’m not an OL guy but it looks like Jason Peters, Lane Johnson, Jason Kelce, Brandon Brooks, and Allen Barbre will be our starters which seems relatively experienced and barring injury, won’t be the team’s biggest problem.

So that’s the core of the offense. Defense will be above average with the rush from Barwin and Cox. Jordan Hicks and Mychal Kendricks are solid linebackers. Malcom Jenkins will lead a squad of McLeod, Carroll, and McKelvin (from Buffalo) of which I know very little. Jenkins was amazing last year.

The Sixers vs Eagles Prediction

Working my way up to this art.

The Sixers are going to have a whole lot of problems initially. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started the season winning 1 or 2 games of their first 10 as they figure out what the hell is going on with playing basketball together. Ben Simmons has some sweet passes in Summer League but they are to cutting guards against mediocre talent. When he gets on the court with Jahlil and Embiid it’s going to take some adjusting to. The Sixers are becoming stacked with talent but that has nothing to do with whether they can win basketball games. Who’s the team leader? It’ll take a while to find out. I predict a win total of 27 games.

Doug Pederson will be a worse coach than Chip Kelly. Just sayin’

27/82 is a 33% win percentage. If we multiply this by 16, we have get 5.28. I predict, the Eagles with win 5 football games this year. The defense will keep them in games but this team doesn’t have a play maker other than Sproles with a sprinkle of Ertz. Maybe Ryan Mathews will become one but he’ll most likely stub his toe and be out for the season if he starts getting touches. If Wentz becomes the QB, I’ll immediately shift my tone because Bradford is the pits. He’s an average pro at best and won’t be getting any better. With him at the helm, they’ll win 5 games. If we see what Wentz is capable of, they may be able to win more games.

14 Jul, 2016

A Cat’s Land of Opportunity

By Tom Stortz|2016-07-14T22:45:00-04:00July 14th, 2016|My Life|1 Comment

A present to you…Bruce.

Can we get another cat?

Even with my heart of stone, I have a soft spot for success stories. Although this cat doesn’t have an official name, we are calling it Bruce as no one is sure if it is a boy or a girl.

Please adopt me!

Laura guesses this little guy is about 10 weeks old and has been abandoned by its mother. It managed to survive for all this time all by itself and eventually found its way to Brookes and Laura’s back yard. Due to some careful placement of tuna and good luck from the neighbors, Bruce was rescued.

Outfits to come.

As I write this I think on how Bruce was cowering in the corner when I first arrived. Brookes brought him out and we showed him humans can be helpful. We left after 20 minutes or so and grabbed a bite and when we came back Bruce was already making kitty strides forward. We had to drag it out of its lovable corner again but once it realized the love it was receiving, it gave in. With fear in his eyes as each minute grew, the tension eased. By the end, the cat was on his belly receiving petting like never before. What life is made of.

To think that this cat would probably have perished in the wild on its own is a testament to mankind. This cat was left for dead by its mother and now, possibly, has a long term home with lovable parents. Success story like you read about.

14 Jul, 2016

Mt. Hot BushMore

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:28:54-04:00July 14th, 2016|Celeb|0 Comments

I couldn’t come up with a good title for this post unfortunately. Rush doesn’t give you much to work with and I don’t think leaving out the more makes any sense. Michelle Beadle’s ESPY’s pic inspired this post. She accentuated her features and I thought she looked pretty damn good. Steve McGrath always said she was the hottest sports reporter and I never agreed. I still don’t, so I made up this photoshopped Mt. Hot Bushmore with the ones I thought were the best. I have nothing to write about them so I’ll create some minor text and the let the pics do the talking.

The Girls of Mt Bushmore

Lindsay Czarniak – I always like hearing her report the sports. She comes off smart and always looks good doing it. She’s had hundreds of looks and aside from the one curly hair one, I like them all. Looking great into her late 30’s.

: Glowing

: Her best look

Jenny Dell – I’m not riding the BarStool train here but I do think she has the best looking all around features of them all. Her face is perfect proportionately and looks like she’s not a total bitch.

: Gorgeous

: Total package

Erin Andrews – I could take some flack for the Erin Andrews pic as she’s too “mainstream” because of the naked hotel room incident. She vaulted from ordinary ESPN reporter to covering the SuperBowl and a host of Dancing With the Stars. Her hair sets her apart and she does have a slamming body.

: None Better

: Testimony for Hotel Peeping

Britt McHenry – Yes she had that toll booth incident where she was being a total asshole but that aside, her blonde hair is flawless. I couldn’t tell you much about her reporting style but she’s pretty easy on the eyes. Great smile too.

: Go Germany!

: Total Babe

13 Jul, 2016

ESPY’s Icon Award

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:32:26-04:00July 13th, 2016|Sports|1 Comment

[dropcap background=”yes”]I[/dropcap]’m looking for a comment here from Rob Kelley because I have a feeling he may agree.

I was watching the ESPY’s and they had an Icon Award where Peyton Manning, Kobe Bryant, and Abby Wambach were featured. Peyton, Kobe, and Abby…let us not forget…

Peyton Manning’s HGH

Tough call…

From May ’16

The network said shipments of human growth hormone were made to Manning’s home as he recovered from a career-threatening neck injury. In the piece, a former pharmaceutical intern at an Indianapolis anti-aging clinic was caught on a hidden camera saying he had knowledge Manning and other athletes used performance-enhancing drugs.

Abby Wambach’s DUI

From April ’16

Portland police said Wambach, 35, was pulled over at 11:05 p.m. local time Saturday after failing to stop for a red light. She was arrested after failing a field sobriety test and was taken to Portland’s Central Precinct, where she failed a breath test.

Wambach was booked at 2:02 a.m. local time Sunday and charged with misdemeanor DUII (driving under the influence of intoxicants), according to the Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office. She was released on her own recognizance and was described as being “polite and cooperative” with police.

Kobe’s Sexual Assault

From July ’03 – Read my indepth article on Kobe for a better look but here’s the skinny:

The Kobe Bryant sexual assault case began in July 2003 when the news media reported that the sheriff’s office in Eagle, Colorado had arrested professional basketball player Kobe Bryant in connection with an investigation of a sexual assault complaint filed by Katelyn Faber, a 19-year-old hotel employee. Bryant had checked into The Lodge and Spa at Cordillera, a hotel in Edwards, Colorado, on June 30 in advance of having surgery near there on July 2 under Dr. Richard Steadman. Faber accused Bryant of raping her in his hotel room on July 1, the night before the surgery.

An Icon Award?!?!?!

Icon – a person or thing regarded as a representative symbol of something.

How soon we forget. I get it though. Hype them up to forget about the bad shit. It makes perfect sense but it’s undeserved. I immediately thought of these instances and even mean tweeted Abby Wambach.

Anyone else think @AbbyWambach deserves no honorable anything?

— Tom Stortz (@rnningfool) July 14, 2016

I’m not saying these men don’t deserve these awards. Their careers are unbelievable but I don’t think this award should be given to people who violate society’s rules. Does Lance Armstrong deserve this award or did he cross that line? What about Barry Bonds? I have no idea whether this was around back then but I promise you they wouldn’t be candidates because they don’t fit the bill. Just because it’s the choir boy Peyton Manning or the determined Kobe Bryant doesn’t mean that we should be putting them on the pedestal. These people had great careers and I don’t take any credit away from it but they aren’t worthy of this bullshit award that ESPN is using to praise them. Completely fucked up and I don’t respect them more for this award. They should have declined it.

13 Jul, 2016

This Needs To Pokemon Stop

By Tom Stortz|2016-07-13T09:09:34-04:00July 13th, 2016|My Brain|2 Comments

Augmented reality idea is a fantastic idea. Nintendo pulls back the curtain and (abra)Kadabra, they’ve brought real life into gaming and the evolution of gaming takes a major step. I, for one, am quite Krabby about it all and want to Raticate anyone over the age of 30 playing this game.

I take you back to my high school years and the release of Pokemon Blue and Red in 1998 (I was 15). The console was the GameBoy which if you are too young to remember, was a handheld, piece of shit displaying 8 bit grainy graphics (I think I had GameBoy Color). HOWEVER, Pokemon was huge on the television and “catching them all” was the thing to do. Ask Sam about his trading cards.

Here’s where my head starts spinning. I was 15 at the time and I knew internally that I was WAY too old to be playing Pokemon. There was 0 chance I’d ever let any other kid in high school know I was playing Pokemon or else I’d have gotten Hitmonlee. So when I see grown adults traveling around in packs, catching virtual creatures, I know it’s freaky. I’ll add that Pokemon Porn on XHamster has skyrocketed which is even more worrisome.

Mewtwo is on Mt Everest

I truly understand the allure of Pokemon Go. Being able to find these “rare” creatures in spots where you’ve never traveled before is a natural high. You want to catch that ElectaBuzz and it’s exciting. It’s a freaking Pokemon though. Maybe if I was on a treasure hunt trying to find a pot of Goldeen at the end of the rainbow would I get out my phone and start my search, but at the end all I come to is self destructing Voltorb and I want to Exeggcute myself before he can kill me.

So sad.

I read Barstool and the Pres is doing a schtick where he is playing the game because he always takes the side that his readers think is ludicrous. His love for Bieber. His love for Tiko Texas. His hate for LeBron. It’s all schtick to him and he knows millions of people play this game and that his readers probably hate the game. So he knows he has to take the side of loving it. It’s all a show and once you know it is, it’s no longer funny.

Which brings me to the average age of the Pokemon Go player. If you’re fresh out of school on summer vacation, it’s fine that you play Pokemon Go. If you work in an office, it’s not ok. Aside from Pokemon Go supporting local businesses and inventing a HUGE new way of advertising, catching Pokemon offers nothing to society (I suppose you could make this argument with any video game). It has actually caused more problems with people getting mugged and falling on train tracks to catch a Diglet. Not to mention the huge security invasion you open up by allowing Ninantic to collect all your personal data (apparently this has been fixed).

This is odd.

I have no problem with Pokemon Go. I couldn’t think of a better platform to gain as much exposure to as many people unless you start placing cocaine in random places. I just can’t figure out why people in their 30’s and 40’s are walking around like zombies glued to their phones looking to get Machoked out.

12 Jul, 2016

Ben Franklin Bridge at Night

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T12:08:23-04:00July 12th, 2016|Photoshop|1 Comment

Is my photoshop game improving or what?

12 Jul, 2016

Overcoming the Shakes and Sweats

By Tom Stortz|2016-07-12T12:46:40-04:00July 12th, 2016|My Brain|0 Comments

Starting last Thursday and ending on early Sunday morning, I drank heavily. Do I know the exact number of drinks I consumed? No. Only nerds care about the sort of thing but it’s in the vicinity of 50. You sort of lose track when you combine beers and shots and how to accurately count them. Either way, I was paying the price on Sunday.

I write this post, like I have before, to give an idea of what to expect with 3 hard days of drinking. Stupidly, on Sunday, I had signed up for a bowling tournament at 6pm. When I got back to my house at around 12pm, I knew I was in big trouble for the bowling tournament. When I arrived at the alley I had to sign a card with my name on it and my hand was completely shaking. My hand writing looked like one of an 85 year old. Note to anyone out there, you don’t want to have shaky hands in a sport that commands precision. I combated the shakes by drinking a few more beers which is best way to rid yourself of them but you will still pay the price further down the line. I bowled adequate but nothing like I can.

I got some Popeye’s chicken on the way home for my 1st meal of the day which is what happens when you drink too much. I went to sleep at around 10pm and sweated through the night in various hour long sleeps. I woke up extremely tired even though I had slept for over 8 hours. I could barely eat breakfast and knew I was in trouble for the day as I’ll write in detail later.

I started chugging as much water as possible but your body only takes so much before each water bottle you drink comes out in clear pee 10 minutes after finishing it. I tried chugging 2 coco-waters and 3 pills of these Vitamin B supplements which sort of worked. I then went for a run to try to sweat out some toxins. All of this helped but I certainly wasn’t fully recovered. We bowled in our league last night and lost 0-4 and even though I didn’t bowl horribly, it’s the same idea that I wasn’t as good as I could have been.

How every decision feels.

I slept for almost 10 more hours last night and finally feel like a human being again. The best way to describe this process of alcohol withdrawal is ineffective. Your brain is slow. You look for the right words to speak and your brain flips through about 3 incorrect words before you sound like an idiot out loud. Your decision making is slow as can be and even operating a car is difficult. You’ll see a biker come out of nowhere and start to wonder where did it come from or if it was even there at all. The only cure to the withdrawal is time and boy it takes a while.

I write this post because there are probably millions of people just like me who go through this process one weekend after another. You can try drinking yourself back to health but this is obviously not a good idea. The best method is to know that it’s going to be tough and do your best to get past it. This isn’t a cry for help either. It’s how you know you had a good weekend.

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