We Don't Walk Slow

A Christmas Evolution

The Christmas gift begins to lose value as you age. When you’re 10 years old and you are working on a $6 dollar a week allowance, you don’t have a ton of spending cash. When you get older and start working, you begin to create wealth which you can then spend on yourself making gifts from other people less appealing.

I tried hard to find the exact one I had but a 20 year old cash center was not internet available.

At around 7, a gift that sticks out to me was when my mom bought me a bank. It had a slot for all the coins and it counted up the money as it was deposited. The front of it would lock but the back could always be opened up which made it not very secure. This gift taught me how to count money and how to save. Even though it lacked the bells and whistles of today’s technology, I will never forget this thoughtful gift.

When I hit middle school it was all about video games. Clothes were boring. Books sucked. CD’s were nice but video games were always the best. New consoles. Controllers. Memory cards. Games. You name it and if I didn’t have to spend my own money on it, that was great. Zero educational value as I pass the time with a screen as my best friend.

In high school you hit a phase in your life where you have a better understanding of the value of money but your stuck in your own world of what’s “in”. I used to have jeans that would expand 3x the size of my ankles. I was still playing video games but was into track and probably thought I was WAY WAY WAY cooler than I really was.

College life turns 180 where you only care about beer and partying. Friends start getting into drugs and you start figuring out what suits you the best. Holiday breaks are more important because you get a break from school and you have free time to do whatever you want. Christmas time is just the mandatory time with your family between doing activities with your friends.

Wrong kind of learning.

Which brings me to post-college life. I have money to spend and have no problem giving gifts. I tend to donate small sums to organizations that I use regularly (wikipedia and friends fundraisers). I spend my money more on education instead of alcohol. Lynda.com for Photoshop education and paying Adobe to use it. I’m not into material items so much except for what I need. If I want to look nice I’ll buy new clothes. If my sneakers have a hole in them I’ll buy new shoes. Mostly though Christmas is about getting together and spending time with family.

Unless you stop and make it happen, you realize that life doesn’t stop and it’s easy to get caught in the rat race of working and trying to make money. Family time gets overlooked for various reasons but it’s important. Material items come and go but family is always there until it’s not. The cliche you don’t know what you have until it’s gone rings true. So ring in this holiday season with your family and tell them how much they mean to you. There is no greater gift.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-24T13:29:32-05:00December 24th, 2014|Childhood, My Life|0 Comments

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Gambling

The football season was a let down for me when I consider fantasy, gambling, and Fanduel.

My $350 investment in fantasy (4 leagues) has a chance to win $1,400 if I win both championships I’m in. Most likely I’ll go 1/2 and net about $350. I’m still kicking myself because in a $150 dollar league I made a bad start that cost me and my team would have won this past week. In the two leagues I’m in the championship, I’ve ripped off 13 straight wins. The good.

My gambling on the games can be viewed near 0 sum because I was playing with Billy Horschel money but the reality is I lost ~250. I tapped out 2 weeks ago so I had roughly 13 weeks of action. The bad.

I’m down $600 dollars in Fanduel over the course of the season which is quite disheartening because I pay way more attention to football than the majority of people. When viewed over the course of 3 months at about 50 bucks a week, I can’t find better entertainment on a Sunday. The ugly.

To give something in the post that people may find more interesting, here is my work in Photoshop.

A Special Guest

A Nuclear War

Bat Baby – This one looks the simplest but the original picture had his wing clipped (you can actually still see the discoloration). Learning how to edit the picture to put the wing back takes some practice.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T12:42:19-04:00December 18th, 2014|My Life|2 Comments

The Second Place Trophy

I’m not into writing this post right now. Mainly because I feel like a turd and my brain is working at half speed. What I’m going to write about is being good but not being the best.

On Wednesday of last week our basketball game lost in the “championship” game. I use that in quotes because there were only 4 teams in the league. Either way we lost.
On Saturday our football team lost in the championship. It was a close game but we were once again defeated.
This Sunday I made it to the championship game in two fantasy football leagues and I’ll have two more chances to take a crown.

As much as I like to think I’m above average at activities it’s all I’ll ever be. There are people who are bigger, faster, and smarter and that’s just they way it is.

This post seriously sucked. Like major suckage. Here are a few of my latest photoshop creations for a saving grace.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-15T17:33:25-05:00December 15th, 2014|My Life|0 Comments

The Beauty of Fantasy Football

Kerwynn Williams. Tre Mason. The Ram’s D. All were in play on a boring Thursday night. Unless you had money on last night’s game, there would be no reason to watch it if it weren’t for fantasy football. Fantasy injects life into boring games and it was still boring. You may ask why I had to play Kerwynn? Fat Eddie is down, Shoelace was my other RB, I had to pick up CJ2K, and couldn’t afford to miss on Kerwynn if Fat Eddie doesn’t go. Recipe for Kerwynn.

Adam and I headed to the Xfinity center to pick up some tickets for the Radio 104.5 Winter Jam because they were giving them out. We arrived at the start of the football game and the drawing began at 9:30. In the meantime there were bands playing and it’s hard to say how much time they deserved. This is what it looked like.

If you wouldn’t be a good cover band, there’s no chance your original material is going to be well received. It’s a pretty standard thought that I think most upcoming bands misunderstand. Bands don’t want to be cover bands. The problem is though that unless your original material is lights out, no one knows what you are playing. The audience can’t get into your music. So if you wouldn’t do well covering already established, good, songs, you won’t do well with original material.

We filled out the slips and waited. Adam’s named was called at 10:30 and he received a pair of tickets. There were about 300 people who entered and we had no idea if I was going to get called or not so we left. As soon as I arrived home, my phone went off and said I got the tickets. I drove back and by the time I got there, they had packed up and given out the tickets. Oh well.

Yesterday was also a big day because I got a hair cut. Bud, can you guess what barber made me look like this?

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-12T10:41:02-05:00December 12th, 2014|My Life|3 Comments

The Post Below

So I used all my search engine optimization knowledge to create the post below this one. It contains a lot of great pictures of hot girls with little clothes. The posts that get the most traffic are posts that are set up like that one so I’ll give another effort to get shameless traffic.

This is what I ate.

It’s 10:12 and the last post took me over an hour to prepare. It’s a pain searching for the pictures, then organizing them, then captioning them, then writing stupid shit. I ate 2 tuna sandwiches before that. Times are hard. I did toast the bread though.

I’m only writing this post is so people at work know that I have an almost NSFW post below (don’t scroll down if you’re at work)(ahhh I know you will)(you already know you will)(the mystery is too much)(maybe there will be huge boobs)(maybe there won’t be anything)(maybe I’ll throw a big vagina right in your face and you’ll have to instantly close it)(now you’re getting worried and aren’t so sure you want to scroll down)(but you still will)(curiosity killed the cat though). I was going to change the post entirely and write about who bangs the women below but there is barely any information available. The topic would have been more interesting than what I actually wrote about but lack of info curtailed it. Yeah I just used the word curtailed.

I’m pretty tired actually. Work has been busy and I’ll have some updates on what we’ve been doing but not right now. Right now I’m going to play 1 game of chess, then brush my teeth, then watch Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind. It has 4 stars and 4 star movies make me want to watch them. The older I get, the more I believe in aliens.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-10T22:22:08-05:00December 10th, 2014|My Life|1 Comment

The Poco Loco Paintball Experience

Paintball Experience

I”m a total paintball noob. I went one time when I was 18 and smoked weed before hand for maybe the 2nd time in my life and it was a complete disaster. Being paranoid while trying to shoot opposing team members while being half scared to death was not a fun experience although it was memorable. Today went a little different.

I arrived with Steve and Ed and we went through the brief instructions and got our weapon and paintballs. I paid $42 bucks extra for a gun upgrade, some camouflage gear, and an ammo belt that carries 3 extra sets of paintballs. The teams divided into about 12 v 12 and we headed to a field that looked like what you see to the right.

We started with a capture the flag game with 5 minutes of amnesty which means you can get hit and re-spawn for the first 5 minutes. The game began and I immediately had a problem…my camo pants were too big and were falling down while I ran. I was careful the first game while I tried to figure out which was the enemy and what was my own team. I ended up getting pelted right to the dome in my first game and was awakened by a nice ringing helmet.

I started to feel more comfortable with how far the gun shot and what type of encounters resulted in success. I moved to the far right of the map in the 2nd game and was creeping down the line. I was advancing like a high school kid on prom night. I had completely flanked this one bro and while I was pelting him with bullets, I was unaware of his buddy hiding behind a rock and he fired what felt like 100 bullets into my exposed back because my pants were still falling down at this point. It hardly hurt.

The next few games we played had buildings like a castle or huts where you had to raise flags. Aside from one game where the best player on our team was strategically moving along the map and was directly in front of a hut with a opposing player and he was met with one of my friendly fires, I held my own once I understood how exchanges happened. I tended to hide behind trees which I was wider than which is not ideal. The paintballs don’t hurt that much and I even took one to the bare neck and on my hands and still lived with minor injuries (my knee hit a rock).

Aftermath

The experience was advantageous because it taught me that I’m not ready for war. I want no part of it. If this were live ammo I would have dug a hole 6 feet deep, jumped in it, and filled it back up. I would have thought my speed would help a bit on the course but it doesn’t make much of a difference. It’s not fun getting hit and war doesn’t excite me all that much. Wonderful to do one time but nothing that I’d continue doing.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-06T21:06:18-05:00December 6th, 2014|My Life|0 Comments

Robert E. Lee is a Pussy

It’s all in the title. I was going to use Killer Angels but I’m pretty sure no one would have made it past the first line. This title, although exaggerated, will have you reading up to this point.

After reading about World War II, it struck me that at 31 years old, I finally find history interesting. Perhaps it was the way the material was presented compared to an 800 page text book, but I was yearning for more. After learning about WW1 and WW2, I decided I’d read about the Civil War. Why not start with a book taught in the high school curriculum called The Killer Angels.

The Killer Angels

First and foremost, I was supposed to read this book in high school and probably didn’t. I have no idea how I passed the tests but it must have been just enough because I have no memory of reading a single page throughout the book. It took me about 3 nights to read and I’m glad that I did. I have a better understand about the Civil War and specifically the Battle of Gettysburg. I came away with a few thoughts that may or may not be right.

General Lee was the reason the South lost the Battle of Gettysburg. Not listening to strategic war plans and stubbornly attacking in a horrible position. He is responsible for the death of tens of thousands of men. People in the South still worship the man and this is why the North still look laughingly at the South.
The whole war was fought over slavery but I got the feeling that it wasn’t the actual slavery the South wanted. It was their right to own the slaves. They were saying that the Gov’t can’t come into their backyard and tell them what they can and cannot do.
I’ve been to Gettysburg 3 times in the last 3 years and never had any idea what occurred. Next time I go back, I’m going to be looking for Little Round Top and Cemetery Hill. Knowing how so many men lost their lives on those actual battlefields gives a different perspective.
The fact that Americans fought Americans, and this occurred less than 200 years ago, is mind boggling. I still can’t grasp it. If the South would have won the war the country would be divided the same way East and West Germany were for all those years. This war would have prevented America from becoming a world power. I also find the idea that WWII was only 75 years ago.
How Joshua Chamberlain spoke 7 languages at the age of 34 with the material available is amazing. I can’t even learn 1 properly.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-03T23:34:07-05:00December 3rd, 2014|My Life|2 Comments

I Wish I Were a Tipping Dick

Seann William Scott talking to Breckin Meyer’s penis.

(Squeaky voice)
– It ain’t easy being Josh’s penis. We’ve been here two months, and I feel like I’m in a coma.
– Stop it.
– I wish I was your dick, EL.

A Tipping Dick

The Road Trip reference also has absolutely nothing to do with this post other than it was the first thing I thought of when I started with the title, “I Wish I Were a Dick”. I decided to throw in a keyword to make the post more SEO compliant but this sort of turned it completely unrelated to Road Trip. That’s ok, one man talking to another man’s penis is always funny,

I am way too nice of a person specifically to people who are in the service industry and I’ve never met before and will never see again. Here are some examples of my generosity.

I gave Anthony, the bebopping homeless guy that I see everyday, a $5 dollar bill. My logic was that it was Thanksgiving and I wanted to be nice. The idea that this may fend off further attempts for asking me for money also struck my brain. However, once he forgets about that $5 in the next few days, he’ll return again asking me to buy him a Coffee Croissant at Dunkin Donuts.
I was playing poker over the weekend and I tip on every pot i win even if it’s only 3 dollars. I’ll tip multiple dollars if the pot gets sizable. I see players scoop hundreds of dollar pots and never give more than a buck. I have no idea why I feel compelled to give more money than necessary.
In an even worse scenario at 2am playing a table game called Pai Gow, I was giving a dealer $5 for my wins of $60 and I ended up getting felted by night’s end. I probably gave the dealer 50 bucks and I lost hundreds.
After losing hundreds, I took a $7 dollar cab ride and gave the driver $15 and said keep the change. 100% tip?!?!
I routinely tip over 20% at meals. I don’t even think of giving less than 20% and always err to the high side. The guy could spit in my food and call me an asshole and I’d feel bad if I didn’t give him his “deserved” 20%.

My only explanation for why I do these things (and drinking could be one but I do this sober too) is that I feel that I’m much better off than the people who I’m giving the money to. The idea that I want them to like me makes no sense because I’ll never see them again. Why I feel this urge to tip ridiculously well is bordering on stupidity. Maybe since I give very few of my dollars to charity I feel this is giving back. I honestly have no idea. Anyone else far too generous?

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-01T15:44:46-05:00December 1st, 2014|My Life|1 Comment

Digging Out of a Hole

Let’s chalk one up to Rnningfool. The last post managed 9 comments (2 by me) and 16 likes on Facebook which has to be a record. Jess Baker even acknowledged that she liked the Shark Tank post I wrote which makes me happy because I took a while to write it. With the site performing as average as possible, it’s nice to get some interaction with people. Yes, I had to post the link on Facebook and plead with people to like it but it worked.

The referrals are also worth looking at to see where the traffic comes from. Organic Google traffic sent about 3,054 people this month and direct traffic is 1,045 (This chart does not show this). Google traffic is mainly people finding random pages I’ve created over the years so it’s not that relevant. Also noteworthy is that Gourlay’s Goodies has not sent a single person to my website. Welcome back! Sam sent me 67 satisfied viewers.

Deciphering the stats is fun for me because it shows concrete data of what I’m doing. It’s work being graded. I’ve always been a B student and I’m pretty much getting B marks. I have a good feel for what I’m doing but I haven’t exploded with a Kim K ass pic that breaks the internet. Considering I have virtually no talent and nothing of interest, this will take some serious thinking.

By Tom Stortz|2014-11-17T10:22:03-05:00November 17th, 2014|My Life|0 Comments

A Shopping Perspective @ KOP Mall

KOP Shopping

I value clothes differently at 31 than I did at 18. When I was in high school I used to like the brand Aeropostale. I had made up in my mind that Aeropostale was good for me and Abercrombie and Fitch was for queers. There was no reason behind this conclusion and was completely irrational. However, this is not uncommon when shopping for clothes.

You choose what clothes you want to wear and associate a brand that works for you. I used to wear Nautica shirts (which I wouldn’t consider touching today), then switched to Polo (which I’m also tired of because everyone else wears it), then I wore some Calvin Klein (which I still like) but if I had all the money in the world I would wear Hugo Boss. Now it’s hard to justify paying $175 dollars for a zip up sweat shirt but it looks damn nice. This had me thinking that branding is critical to success in the fashion world.

I would never buy something from a brand I’ve never heard of before. It’s a strange thought but this is how my mind operates. If I don’t know what it is, I don’t want it. I also tend to like the nicest items so I assign a greater value on something that is higher priced. Once again, probably irrational, but true for me.

KOP Observations

Yesterday I was in the King of Prussia mall mainly wandering but also paying attention to stores and how they were branding themselves. Although I discussed clothing above, I took some shots of many stores and my thoughts on whether I would purchase from them. Here are my observations.

Apple Store – That is a line forming outside waiting for assistance. This was 15 minutes after open. Study the Apple formula hard because it is what works. Clean and open store, many sales associates, and obviously a good product.

The most popular store in the mall.

Tesla – Directly next to the Apple store which is prime location. I couldn’t take a head on shot because the lady was looking right at me and I felt awkward. This was a beautiful set up though for a store and a company valued at 31 billion dollars. Clean with an awesome car looking at you.

Electric Cars are so hot right now.

Smart Toys – This was a horrible name for a store and a horrible sign to boot. Nobody wants a smart toy. They want fun toys. Out of business before season’s end.

Dumb store idea

Marbles – Would you rather buy from Smart Toys or Marbles? Smart Toys looks like an old KBToys filled with worthless shit and Marbles looks like a nice store that will enhance your brain. The Smart Toys owner should be taking notes.

Smart logo.

The Walking Company – Great name. I know exactly what they sell and what it is for. This company specializes in walking. Period.

Do they sell sticks?

Teavana – Is this a play on Nirvana? I don’t get it. Neither does anyone else and why there are no customers. I bet it is closed in 1 year.

Front for the mob.

Dean and Fashion – Who is Dean and why would I trust his fashion sense? I wouldn’t shop here. Also note that shitty $99.99 clearance sign that does more damage than good. Why wouldn’t they just say it’s a sale?

Fuck Dean.

Crew Cuts – If this isn’t a barber shop, it’s misleading.

How can you give a crew cut to the mannequin in the middle?

Zumiez – I’m not buying anything from a place I can’t pronounce. It’s also way to busy. By the time you read it you’re dead.

Some skate shop with 1783512 likes.

Just for my reference I also took a picture of what is “hot” nowadays. Taylor Swift, Hunger Games, Walking Dead, One Direction, Big Bang Theory, and the Biebs.

Easily the funniest sign I saw all day. Tell me I’m missing something here. Why would I watch batteries being installed?

By Tom Stortz|2014-11-24T21:54:05-05:00November 14th, 2014|My Life|8 Comments