beersnob…you’re a fucking idiot. I can’t stand when people refer to beers as craft beers. It’s a snobbish way to try to separate yourself from a non-educated beer drinker. There is a beer drinker hierarchy that occurs as you age which I’ll happily explain now.

crazy-drunk-passed-out-smashed-guy-pranked-by-uni-matesYoung’n – When you’re first start drinking you don’t care what alcohol it is as long as it gets you wasted. My Freshmen year of college my older brother of the fraternity asked what my favorite Vodka was and I said, “Banker Club.” With regards to beer – Natty Light, PBR, Beast, or Genesse, whatever is cheapest tastes best.

Working Man’s Beer – Once you get a job you start making some money and you start drinking better beer. Light beer specials (Coors, Bud, Miller) at bars become the norm for money savers. You’ll start to dabble in Yuengling, Guinness, Corona, and Heineken. Staple beers in our world.

53691868Craft Beer Lovers – This next category are the people I despise. These are the people who drink beer to taste beer and not get drunk. Beer with aromas and mad hops that are malted to perfection are what they desire. They turn their nose up to unsophisticated beer drinkers who don’t appreciate a good local brewery or value their beer from across the globe. They probably brew their own beer too for shits and gigs.

morningbeerThe Alcoholic – You look at the menu and you pick the highest ABV for the lowest price. You could care less if it’s brewed in someone’s back yard vs some famous brewery in Belgium. If it tastes fine and gets you drunk, it hits the spot. You’ve probably tried hundreds of beers throughout your lifetime and you understand that the goal of drinking beer is to get drunk and not savor the experience. Beer is beer.

 

The Result

Calling beer “craft” beer is phony. It’s turning beer drinking into an art, which I understand, but don’t prioritize. This is why when I see restaurants or bars saying they now sell “craft” beer, they are asking for a bunch of phonies to pay more money. I want no part of this target market.  I want my bars to say 5 bucks for 1 bourbon, 1 scotch, and 1 beer. Citywide for life.