About Tom Stortz

Enjoying my last few responsibility free years left.

Right on Target

So just as I was about to sit down and write a “real” post I went to take a piss. I don’t really consider anything from the last couple days real because there’s no real thought put into the post, it’s just me recapping me being a retard. Anyway, I go to piss and when guys piss they have two streams that meet up together to form one single ray. I know to girls this is probably a well kept secret but I think, and with no science behind this, a guy has two streams so he when he busts a nut into a girl, the sperm form a “V” so it goes up the girls tubes and reaches the egg. When I went to piss just a minute ago the one hit the back right of the toilet bowl and the other hit my left sock (I was wearing sandals). When you realize this is happening you just have to push a bit harder and the streams align but I was completely caught off guard and figured I’d share just so if it ever happens to you, you won’t feel left out. I also want to point out that even though I write about disgusting things from time to time I’m really a cleanly person and after this incident I took a shower because the urine insta-soaked against my foot.

On to life. My battle wounds are healing nicely and I expect to be able to display to the public my mug come Thursday night. I want to add that this past weekend was an absolutely awful weekend. The open bar from 8-10 left me black out drunk by 11 and injured and asleep by 12, sporting no fun along the way. So when Wagon is wondering why I’m not chomping at the bit to go to the same open bar from 8-10 this week, there’s the obvious reason. I’m well aware that getting too drunk leads to no fun. It’s been noted before but there is a level of drunkness labeled “the zone” which is always trying to be achieved but very rarely found. It’s when you have all your motor skills, you lost your inhibitions, and you can dance, not well, even if you’re white. Too sober and you can’t find the fun in anything and too drunk makes everything too fun until you have to pass out and do something humiliating. Sadly after 8 years of binge drinking I still have not found the secret.

This weekend proved something to me. I sometimes wonder why people read my blog. Sure you may know me a bit and have some connection but aside from the people I see often, I probably don’t see that many of you. However one thing I offer, that the large majority of the population can’t, is the ability to produce a picture in the post below. Let’s face it, how many of you come back home after a night of drinking looking like Glass Joe after a fight with Little Mac (I was gonna use Apollo Creed but he died so that didn’t work exactly). Now I don’t do this every weekend but the sheer chance of doing something wild must have some entertainment value to my readers. Some girl this weekend saw my face and said “it’s ok, it happens to the best of us.” Let me say that this happens to me far more than the to the best of us. I’ve gone a long while without significant injuries or arrests and I think in New Orleans I jinxed myself over dinner with my Mom when I told her I was on a good role and I think I’ve grown out of that phase. I was wrong, sorry mom. So another weekend is looming and I vow to do a better job and try to find “the zone” instead of blasting by it into oblivion where no one is safe. I have good intentions, I really do, but my arch enemy alcohol has my number dialed in.

To just finish this post with some final thoughts. I went to Barnes and Noble today to buy some books and I just wanted to share with everyone what I bought so you can see what I’m interested in:

  • Get anyone to do anything (not a sex book, a psych book)
  • Enough. True measures of Money, Business, and Life by John Bogle (CEO of Vanguard)
  • Getting back to even by Jim Cramer (Mad Money)
  • Mental Floss presents: Condensed Knowledge (bathroom reading)
  • Gonzo (the life of Hunter S. Thompson)
    I do know how to read and I’ve been bored lately because I haven’t been gambling and there’s not too much on TV and I’ve watched the good movies on demand.

    I also found some great deals at Target where I bought new boxers, new plain T’s (blue and white), a new wallet, and some novelty shirts for St Patrick’s day. I also just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall for the first time and I would never forget Kristen Bell for anything. Jason Segal seemed kind of dopey, I thought Mila played a good role, and my favorite character was Alvis or whatever. The movie wasn’t really so much funny as I thought people claimed a ways back. I thought the story was decent but everyone’s parts added up together just made it sort of so so.

  • By |2010-03-03T00:26:59-05:00March 3rd, 2010|My Brain, My Life|0 Comments

    Philadelphia

    I have a sense of humor about this even though I know how bad it looks on me personally. I listened to a message today that I got one of the weekend nights and all I hear is Jkash saying through garble “that’s a bad idea, Skip, bad bad idea.” It’s completely embarrassing that I’m still doing this nonsense at 26 but it is what it is. Also I try to save a professional reputation but seriously all of this stuff I write in here comes off in a bad light. If it was just my friends who read this I could care less but when you open yourself up to the public, anyone can read and then judge. So even with knowing that, I still will be candid and share. And I saw this on my Dad’s TCB list so if my mom or dad read this, it wasn’t your fault raising me, this is just Tommy being Tommy.

    Submitted by the Sheee (he didn’t give me permission but I’m pretty sure there are no copyright issues with this)

    I was bruised and battered I couldn’t tell what I felt
    I was running home all by myself
    I saw my reflection in the snow bank, didn’t know my own face
    Wagon why did you leave me alone in the place
    On the streets of Philadelphia

    I limped up green lane til my legs felt like stone
    I heard voices of roommates vanished and gone
    Come morning I saw blood all over my head
    Guess I’m lucky I didn’t end up dead
    On the streets of Philadelphia

    Aint no angel gonna greet me
    It’s just booze and I my friend
    My shoes must not fit me no more
    I ran all the way home, just to slip and fall…

    By |2010-03-03T00:27:39-05:00March 2nd, 2010|My Brain|1 Comment

    Bruised and Battered

    I’m going to crank out a post even though I’m in no mood to do so. Basically I live by the song My own worst enemy by Lit because I’m putting a good licking on myself. I’m not even going to go into details but let’s just say there is not going to be a video blog any time soon. I wish I had a good story like I got in a fight or something cool but uneventfully, I have nothing but a trip. I’m pretty much going into hibernation for a while to keep myself out of trouble. I know this is pretty much a big ? post but I’m under no obligation to share everything with the public. I feel like Tiger Woods after getting beat by Elin. I know this is a weak entry but nothing really happened this weekend of any excitement so I don’t have any good stories but the usual.

    By |2010-03-03T00:27:54-05:00March 1st, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

    Need you now

    So unless you live in a cave you’ve heard the song Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. I think the song is pretty good but the message that they convey, purposely or not, is pretty funny. The girl sings the line “I’m all alone and I need you now.” The guy sings the line “I’m a little drunk and I need you now.” Basically, girls are emotional and needy, guys are drunk and horny. There’s nothing else really meaningful other than that and I don’t have any other points, just wanted to point that out.

    Went to Mad River last night and the snow was basically a cock block. It was a pretty dead crowd and I’m hoping it won’t be the same tonight. We met some female students at the bar and it is pretty clear that I’ve been aging. Hearing these girls talk about nonsense is amusing in some regard and I do a fine job of playing along but honestly who gives a shit. JKash tells me that when a girl like that is talking, he immediately stops listening. This certainly isn’t saying all girls talk about meaningless babble but this particular one was telling me about fashion school and girls crew. I also went to the bar and bought this one girl a mind eraser and like a complete slap in the face she doesn’t finish the drink. I’m obviously a dolt here but I’m thinking, I just spent 8 bucks so you could drink a mind eraser and you didn’t even finish it. I talked with her and her friend for a bit and concluded that it wasn’t going anywhere so I left. It’s funny because I’m not really sure what kind of girl I’m looking for but I know some things I’m not. The student angle is a little bit hard to deal with because they’ll have no income, which means you have to pay their way and not only that but you have to spend time waiting for them to become an adult. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being a student but I feel like people use the education angle to just prolong doing nothing. And I love when people say you’ll never meet the person of your dreams at the bar. From my point of view, that’s the only place to meet someone that I’m going to enjoy spending time with. I’m looking for a drunkard who likes to have fun and doesn’t take life too seriously. Take a minute and read my brother’s blog because his point about the universe being a big place and not worrying about every little detail makes perfect sense to me. Case in point, the girl I was talking to at the airport, cute girl but unless I carry the conversation we are going to talk about nothing because she brings nothing to the table. The girl last night brought something to the table but it was nothing I cared about. I just cracked myself up because any girl who reads this is probably thinking “this is one tough motherfucker to please.” This post is another one of those that isn’t going to help me get laid but take what I write with a grain of salt, I write this and take a view point so it’s interesting to read.

    By |2010-03-03T00:28:12-05:00February 26th, 2010|My Life|1 Comment

    Who Dat Nation

    I had a 6am flight on Sunday to head down to New Orleans for a roofing show. My mom and my sister went down with me to act as tourists. We caught a flight to Atlanta and then from Atlanta to NO. When we arrived the weather was very overcast and the temperature was probably around 50 (no snow). We started off by walking to the French Quarters where we had lunch at Bubba Gump’s. It was decent but nothing fantastic. After that we walked to Jackson square and just to various spots around the French Quarter. We took a 2 hour bus tour through the city and it’s outskirts, mainly the parts where Katrina busted through. The houses there are still in shambles and the effort in the 9th ward is minimal. Brad Pitt has done some work done there but it’s literally only 20 houses or so that have been built. Basically there is not much work being done for the impoverished blacks. The guide showed us a Brad an Angelina house, where the Mannings grew up, Anne Rice & Sandra Bullocks house and others who live outside the city in million dollar mansions. I also disturbingly saw two homeless men on the street making out with each other.

    We got back to the hotel and were pretty tired so we took a nap and then went out to dinner at Pat O’briens. I ordered a Hurricane which is the big drink of choice down there. It’ not really my favorite drink to order but the size of the drink for the price is right. The meal was average, I had crawfish for the first time which I thought were pretty tasty. We had a gay waiter who was quite unusual. When he asked if we wanted to desert he said “it’s all so good I just want to get my bathing suit and dive right in.” After that we walked around Harrah’s and called it a night at 10 or so because I had to get up early for the show.

    We woke up at 645 because I thought I had an instructional seminar that I didn’t sign up for but figured I could at the show. When I got there it cost $310 and I wasn’t shelling out that dough for an hour a half to learn about soldering. I went to the hotel and went for a quick run before having to go back to the show. I watched a seminar and then did the show till 4:30. I met up with my mom and Laura after the show. We went out to dinner together to a place called Paul K’s. We didn’t have reservations but luckily got a table. Every restaurant was jam packed due to the conventions. I ordered a steak and they had fish, it was all very good. I ordered a Sazerac to drink which was a pretty heavy whiskey drink originated in New Orleans. After the meal I went to Harrah’s to do some gambling. I started playing poker. They take a 6 dollar rake per half hour which I thought was pretty ridiculous. I started playing pretty tight and just wasn’t picking up any cards. The players weren’t particularly good but I just wasn’t catching and wasn’t playing too well. I left poker after an hour and a half losing 60 bucks. Then I sat a 25 dollar blackjack table with some older gents. I played for 2 or so hours before I lost 340 bucks to put me down 400 for the trip. I wasn’t able to put together any streaks and if you can’t do that in blackjack, it’s hard to win. I left at 1:45 and went to bed sober.

    I got up at 8 the next day and showered. We went out to breakfast at a local place and I ordered some eggs and corn beefed hash. I actually thought it was disgusting but ate as much as I could. My mom had the French Toast which was delectable. It’s also funny too eating with my mom and sister. My sister takes forever to order and everything that my mom see is always “yummy” or “to die for.” They keep me in check and out of trouble so I can’t complain. After breakfast they did some shopping and we walked the town a little bit and I said goodbye at noon.

    I did the roofing show from noon to 5 and then attended a national slate meeting from 5 to 7. After 7 I was finished up all of my responsibilities for the trip and it was time to have some fun. I bought a 6 pack of Voodoo beer. The local beer is Albita by the way. I drank the beer in the hotel room, packed up my shit and went to the casino. I bought into 1-2 for 300. I had JK clubs preflop and I called a 10 dollar raise from a loose fish and 4 people called. Flop of Q83 one club, a guy bet 20 which I called bringing the pot to around 100, the turn brought the 10 of clubs, I pushed for a little over 100 into the pot, the guy took about 2 minutes and called with a weak Q and luckily I spiked on the river giving me some chips. I busted a guy with 99 on a K92 board to his AK so I had about 600 in front of me. I had to leave at 3:45 to catch my shuttle and it was about 2am when I was starting to get loud and obnoxious. I told the guy next to me that I had to leave and head to Boubon Street because I wanted to experience the strip clubs there. These Asian guys kept telling me to play one more hand which I kept agreeing too because I was heads and shoulders better than these guys and fortunately they felt the opposite. At this point I was raising to ten dollars preflop around 80 percent of the hands and basically c-betting and taking it down without much showdown other than the 99 hand. Just to give some insight on their play, I raised to 10 with AQ one called, and the other made it 35 which I only called (mistake) and one other shortie was near all in. The flop was 992 and I folded to his cbet, he tabled a Q9 to bust the other guys. So it got to be 3:40 and I had A7 hearts and did my standard open and flopped a flush draw when chinaman #1 called. I lead out for 20 or so, he called, blank turn I bet 50 and he called then I hit my flush on the end and shoved, he had about 200-250 in his stack and I knew he was getting sick of me. I kept telling him “look buddy I really have to go and there’s no way I’m sticking my money in without getting it back so you should just fold,” he obviously called and I ended up having to stack a mountain of chips. I ran to the cashier telling her to make haste and I’ll give her a nice tip so I gave her twenty for cashing me out and then I ran to the shuttle.

    The shuttle was already waiting for me so I ran upstairs and grabbed my bags and told the guy here’s a 20 buck tip, just get me to the airport. So I was on a bus filled with people driving to the middle of nowhere airport. I got there and the lines were Dikembe Mutombo long. So I’m waiting in this line and I begin to near to this gay attendant. Naturally the line next to me is a first class line so he has to keep taking them before any peasant so I’m starting to get ticked off and he can sense it too. So eventually I spaz out and he takes my luggage and gives me my boarding pass. I get checked into the C gate even though I should be in the D gate so that makes me go through security twice. I get to my plane with minutes to spare and I get seated next to this bro. I instapass out on the plane and he wakes me up as everyone around me is walking down the aisle because we landed. I get up and leave and he alerts me that I forgot my briefcase. I get off in Memphis and order a Caesar salad and sit down. This girl sits down next to me so I start talking to her and she tells me that she’s from Mississippi and visiting her friend in Philly. I gave her my business card and told her to call me if she gets bored. I actually sat next to her on the plane by coincidence but I instapassed out again and didn’t wake up till we were in Philly, /fail.

    I thought New Orleans was pretty slummy. I constantly felt that I was going to get mugged and the side streets weren’t the safest. There are bums all over the place and it just isn’t a place that I would like to live. I wouldn’t mind going down one time and living it up on Bourbon street because I’m sure that would be a lot of fun. All in all a fun time and worthwhile trip.

    By |2010-03-03T00:28:24-05:00February 25th, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

    Pics from NO

    Here are a couple of pictures that I took while I was in New Orleans. I will have a trip report to follow.

    Mississippi River. There was this train passing that was a million cars deep and I didn’t feel like waiting so this was the best picture I could get.

    Here is a picture with my mom and I in front of Jackson Square and the Cathedral. The weather was around 45 degrees and windy which is why I look so happy.

    Jackson Square

    Here’s a place that is pretty famous in New Orleans. It’s a coffee shop that has some interesting pastries. Not exactly my cup of tea.

    We took a bus tour where the guide said that the two legs up meant that they Andrew Jackson was on too bigger and better things but if I remember right it has something to do with how they died in battle or something along those lines.

    Rolls Royce at a hotel (not mine)

    Riverwalk picture.

    By |2010-03-03T00:28:33-05:00February 25th, 2010|My Life|0 Comments

    Tuesday 2/23/10

    I’m bringing this to you verbatim on Tuesday night, my last night here. I’m hand writing it and then typing it later. This was my idea, drink a 6 pack of Voodoo Beer made by Dixie, write an entry and then go out for the night. I have a 4 am pick up time from my hotel to the airport for a 6am flight. My mom and my sister left this afternoon around noon. They are fine fun but this is my last night to experience New Orleans. It’s 9:30pm and I’m going to start out at Harrah’s to try to win some loot and I can go to Boubon street and let loose. No doubt tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I can’t waste to much more time writing though because my time is (unreadable). I will follow up when I get some time to write about it. This was done on Tues 2/22/10 9:30, mark it.

    By |2013-03-15T17:05:26-04:00February 25th, 2010|My Life|1 Comment

    The Hotel

    So I’ve come up with my best idea ever. It’s way better than the driving range / bar which I still think would be a (get) hit. Or my beer distributor / strip club where the strippers are the sales people. This idea revolves around Manayunk and Main St. The main problem with main st. is that there are no hotels. Now, not any hotel would do. What I want is a quickie hotel. Basically, the hotel will give you the ability to rent out rooms in intervals of 30 minutes. Pricing would be something like 30 bucks for 30 minutes. So if you are dancing with some hot number at some local bar and it’s 12 o’clock and you want to get busy, you don’t have to wait till 2 am when your friends are ready to leave to get it on. There’s “the hotel” that people will have access to to make magic happen. Or if you want to get with some girl who you’d rather keep below the radar because you don’t want to bring her back to your apt where your friends are, you take her to the hotel. This place could get so big that you’d have people waiting to use the rooms.

    Now I have a business so I’ve thought of things that could be problematic. First off you’d have to higher a clean up crew for all the rooms which would get messy. I don’t know too many people who want to clean up cum stained sheets, although I’m sure if the price is right people would do it. The other problem is, would you have to operate as a normal hotel during the day? I don’t forsee this as a real hotel but only a place for drunk hook ups. That leaves a lot of downtime however this could be easily solved. Love shack at night and a pool / ping pong / poker room for the day. I just thought of a genius idea while writing this. It would be called the 3 p’s. 3 the three just mentioned for the day and plastered porking and phucking at night. BOOYAH.

    If you steal this idea at least consult with me.

    By |2010-03-03T00:28:48-05:00February 18th, 2010|My Brain|0 Comments

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