I’m sort of stalled out here. I’m going to use a transportation, life analogy which hopefully will explain things clearly. When you’re a baby you first need to crawl before you can walk. As you get older, walking only gets you so far before you learn to run. After some more time you learn to ride a bike and now you can advance in life by getting to more places. After a bike, you drive a car and then different parts of the country become accessible and you are basically free to do whatever you want. You get to an age where you can travel the world simply by buying a ticket and doing it. With all this freedom available, I’ve completely stalled. I’m not doing anything but passing the time in meaningless fashion. I pass the time by playing poker, reading books, watching movies, and getting drunk but it’s not doing anything for me. I feel like I’ve hit a quarter life crisis. Well 1/3 life crises because that would put me at 81 and I can’t see making it much past that with my history.
I can’t* really explain why this occurred all of a sudden but the feeling has become evident. It’s sort of like I’ve gotten myself into a comfortable routine of making nothing happen. I just spent the last 3 weeks doing nothing with a busted ankle and now I feel like “I’m back on my feet, literally, and now what? I just have this feeling of complacency that you don’t really feel so much when you’re younger.
Up to this point of my life I’ve always felt like I was trying to achieve something. It starts with elementary through high school and athletics take up a good portion of your time. Then you try to earn a degree from college to qualify you for the business world. Then I spent the last few years learning how to run a business and getting a feel for how money gets tossed around. It’s depressing when I think that I’ve been out of school this long and still have my life as a pretty significant question mark. The idea of having a wife and starting a family has pretty much alluded me for various reasons, mainly the complications and responsibility. I think I’m starting to feel the realization that I’m not really a kid anymore and it’s time to grow up. It reminds me of Peter Pan except that this isn’t never-never land, this is the harsh reality of time.
When I try to put everything into some sort of relative context I just keep getting an output of blah. Like let me play poker for 6 hours and be doing good if I made 100 bucks. This is the best thing I can do with my time? Let me read some books because their world is more fascinating then my world. Even things like playing sports is like “Yippee, we are striving to be the champions of a local suburban league.” I’m not trying to be a downer either. Everything is perfectly fine with me. I feel as good as I can at this point and I just sort of have this reflection point that I think strikes people at different points of their lives, in completely different ways. I’ve got my own problems and ways of handling things the same way everyone else has theirs. I think it’s just attempting to understand getting older and reflecting on everything that’s happened in your life and then asking yourself what does your future hold. Here’s a send off that I think fits the message behind this post.