5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear—for the rest of your life—sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

This one is a little tricky for me. I can’t stand the way Alice and Chains sound. I think all of their songs sound the same and I really have clue how people find them so great. So telling me that every single song I’m going to hear for the rest of my life is going to sound like them is a bit disturbing. Almost too much to handle. I really enjoy music and this would essentially eliminate listening to music for pleasure and turn any song into a torture session.

Knowing this, I have to put a lot of emphasis on “soul mate”. Do people really believe there is a soul mate out there specifically designed for you? People who get married find their soul mate… Yeah right. Case in point, people who were high school sweet hearts are really soul mates? You mean that out of the 6 billion people on this Earth, your soul mate just happened to be put right in your location where you went to school? Not very likely. I think there are probably plenty of soul mates out there and ruining music for my life doesn’t seem like a realistic sacrifice. If every song would be to the Beatles tune, I’d probably have a different opinion but Alice in Chains really bother me. I’ve forgone the wrench idea but I wouldn’t wish harm on anyone.