We Don't Walk Slow

Top 10 Searches of 2014

10. Jennifer Aniston
9. IPhone 6
8. Miley Cyrus
7. Frozen
6. Kim K
5. Kaley Cuoco
4. Jennifer Lawrence
3. Ariana Grande
2. Minecraft
1. Ebola

A quick breakdown shows 6 females, 1 mobile device, 1 movie, 1 game, and 1 disease.

Females

Ariana didn’t get the memo and Kaley needs her head examined.

Men and women alike search for females whereas women only search for men. Men search to ogle sexy celebs and women search to see what they’re wearing and who they’re dating. Jennifer Aniston has found the fountain of youth. Miley is a trainwreck that people can’t stop looking at. Kim K has developed her brand over years of tireless hardwork and effort (of her crew). Kaley is a question mark for me but I guess a lot of people want to Big Bang her. Nobody can stop talking about Jennifer Lawrence and her nude pics and the Hunger Games. Ariana Grande is the hottest thing since sliced bread and wears leotards that ride up her ass all day everyday. It’s funny how pretty people are more important to the average folk than politics and global affairs.

Mobile Device

IPhone 6 coming in at the #9 spot is impressive because it even makes the list. With hundreds, if not thousands, of other devices on the market, the wave of information is endless. Apple has proven it is the leader in terms of brand recognition and quality of device. It proves the culture of mobile users continues to grow. In a hard fought market, Apple is leading the way.

Movie

Let’s face it, movies are not getting worse but the draw to see it at a theater is waning. With only 10 billion in revenue for each of the last 6 years, it is not a growing market. People are sitting home watching Netflix and purchasing movies on cable. There is so much entertainment available that the newest movie will be out in 6 months and people are waiting. I’ve never seen Frozen but I have to think that most of these searches are being done by a younger generation which opens up a huge market for advertisers.

Video Games

I haven’t played video games like I used to in 10 years. However I understand the models and to see Minecraft as the #2 search this year is worth dissecting. Minecraft started out as a free game where users explore a world and gather resources in order to do something that isn’t nearly as awesome as the person playing it thinks. My roommate in college spent countless hours clicking his mouse over a piece of wood. The free version has now moved to consoles and converting free users to paying customers proved widely successful. I have to imagine other video games are only a tad further down on the list but players living in a fantasy world is a concept the population will never tire of.

Disease

Most searched because it can affect every single person on the planet. The curiosity of a disease that can kill you once infected is the single most searched term which shouldn’t come as a surprise. Death is the #1 concern for a human being. No if, ands, or buts. Once your dead, you don’t have to worry about anything else. Causing mass hysteria comes from death. If a virus hits the internet and shuts it down completely, people may feel like it’s the biggest deal in the world but I promise you the possibility of death brings a whole other dimension.

By Tom Stortz|2014-12-03T09:23:01-05:00December 3rd, 2014|My Brain|4 Comments

The NFL and Kim K Couldn’t Be More Alike

This idea sneaked up on me like the hit delivered to Emmanuel Sanders last week. I was going to use the word snuck but apparently it’s not proper English. What crossed my mind was that enjoying the NFL was no better than liking Kim Kardashian.

How could these two even compare you ask? The NFL is a billion dollar corporation that provides the highest form of sporting entertainment combined with multitudes of ways to gamble on it. Kim Kardashian is a talentless woman with a huge ass, monster tits, and a husband who compares himself to Jesus. The similarities are non-existent.

Not so. Both are huge time wasters.

As a huge fan of the NFL, devoting time to following its every move has no effect on anything. It’s essentially a more civilized, modern day Gladiator event. For all the money and emotion that is committed to the NFL, what’s the payoff? Loads of jobs are created and the NFL gives back small percentage of it’s profits but it’s owners who are stuffing their pockets with mullah. In the end it’s a form of entertainment no better than Kim K.

Kim K also gives nothing back except a show about her pointless existence, some fashion trends, and pictures of her huge dumper. Yet people will pay her millions of dollars, download her stupid game millions of times, and she’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.

You’re probably saying, so what? Yesterday was the first day I ever thought that the NFL was pointless. Grown men throwing a ball around a field never dawned on me that other people find this activity stupid. The same way I think people who devote time to celeb mags and reality show are wasting it, I’m a hypocrite doing it with football. Now when do the fantasy playoffs start?

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T12:43:16-04:00November 24th, 2014|Sports|6 Comments

Does Anyone Care What Kim Kardashian Does?

These are some nice pictures of Kim K in Mexico on a recent Honeymoon with Kanye. I don’t know the details of the relationship aside from they had a baby, then got married, and are now looking to have another baby. I know the general public thinks that she has no talent and doesn’t deserve any fame but lets give her some serious credit, she is working hard to get that body in banging shape. These pictures are 8 months after having a baby. Let’s think about the thought process of these pictures.

She knows she looks good. There isn’t even anyone else at the pool. She’s getting snapped looking like she has no idea she is being photographed. How high quality are these pictures for some random paparazzi? She is capturing her moment of brilliance while all eyes are on her. She won’t always look like this and that is why this is the perfect time to strike. The idea behind pictures like this is sneaky good.

How many eyes are going to see these pictures? That Imgur gallery just went up 700 people in the last 5 minutes. 700 people don’t come to my blog a year. There is some serious power in that huge, well rounded ass. What a life. The people who diss her are only jealous of her ability to do nothing and earn millions of dollars. Where is this plotted pic coming from?

Kanye! This marriage only happened at the end of May. He locked that shit up before he started bringing out the money making guns. He makes his living by using his brain in business and he just planned into his biggest asset. (I was going to use moneymaker but both are good choices). Look at that fucking picture!!!! It’s perfect. I know virtually nothing about Kim Kardashian but this was one of the few times my brain landed on a picture of her and made my mind start spinning.

This is business at its finest and Kanye has everything to do with these photos. Give the man his props. “My life is dope and I do dope shit” – Kanye

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:26:48-04:00June 18th, 2014|Celeb|0 Comments

Celebs Leaving Room for Imagination

I was floored by Kendall Jenner’s two split dress. I think it’s better than if she was completely naked. There’s something about the not seeing that’s better than the actual seeing. The idea that the filthy slut wouldn’t wear any underwear (I’m sure she did) under that dress is mind blowing. We are seeing the evolution of fashion with this dress.

I’ve compiled a few other pictures of celebs that I think rival Kendall’s smut show. This post is probably not safe for your work.

The Going to be Infamous Kendall Jenner Dress

Kim trying to rival Kendall and failing miserably.

Kate Upton using the wet look.

That Ass of Sofia Vergera

Anna Kendrick dropping bombs

Big Bang Theory girls

Jennette McCurdy from ICarly

Jennifer Love Hewitt Corset has to go

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-28T15:26:44-04:00June 17th, 2014|Celeb|0 Comments

Top 5 I’m So Tired of in 2011

5. Kim Kardashian – We know you have a smoking body, a great rack, and a slamming booty but the public is tired of you for only being a pretty and proving to the world you have no intelligence or compassion. The whole Kris Humphries wedding ordeal lasting a month should be a taste of what goes through the mind of Kim Kardashian. The fact that she influences this nation in any degree is sad. Your TV show is played out and its about time your no talent self fades into the abyss.

4. Zach Galifianakis – I don’t dislike Zach. I actually found him very likable in Out Cold and the Hangover. Problem is that he became typecast as the eccentric, add some humor type character to every movie. I don’t see him breaking out of this role and I have a feeling his time will pass. However, I’m sure he’ll prove me wrong.

3.IPhone – How many Iphones are there going to be? When are people finally going to come to their senses that Apple makes a few improvements, tacks on a new number and the myriads of nerds start freaking out to get the newest gizmo. I really hope this trend ends.

2. Chaz Bono – You shouldn’t be famous for having a sex change. It’s bizarre and something that shouldn’t be in the limelight as much as it is. This guy/girl is an attention wanting whore who needs to disappear.

1. Barack Obama – I’m not a political person but I pray to god we don’t get 4 more years of Obama. Housing will be terrible till 2013 with no clear end in sight. Unemployment continues to thrive. His main attribute during his term is bailing out corporations who basically sank themselves by being greedy. This President throws so much money into the Gov’t and then can’t answer where the money actually goes that I can’t trust him to make any correct decisions. The idea that the Gov’t will pull us out of this mess is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. They are just as corrupt as the rest of them. Barack, you earn my #1 spot for I hope I don’t have to hear about your mess in 2011.

By Tom Stortz|2016-10-29T13:51:33-04:00December 20th, 2011|My Brain|1 Comment

Mix and Match a Broad

Pretty obvious by the title but I’m picking specific body parts off of celebs and putting them together to form one super human. I’ll start at the top and work down.

Eyes – Kristen Bell

I’m not really sure how easy it is to pick eyes but I just thought of someone I thought was attractive and threw them in. Chad thinks that she looks retarded but she’s the only reason I thought that Forgetting Sarah Marshall was a good movie. I can’t really put my finger on it but I just really like the way she looks.

Hair – Jennifer Aniston

I think that any girl can be attractive no matter the hair color but I’ve always had a thing for the blonde / brunette combo. Aniston’s hair is pretty much flawless. I don’t know anything about females hair except that this looks very nice and I bet she’d be pissed if you touched it.

Mouth – Julianne Hough

This more so has to do with the picture than actually liking a girls mouth. I just ran across it and found it fitting for it’s purpose. Plus it’s Julianne Hough and she deserves to be a part of the perfect female.

Chest – Sofia Vergara

I ran across this photo on TMZ and this is actually what sparked this post for me. Like Usher would say “omg.” I honestly don’t know how you can walk around with these cans and have any balance whatsoever. How does she go for a run? This is just too much to take in.

Butt – Kim K

I don’t really understand the allure of a huge ass but if I were going to pick one I guess this would be it. I think it’s just the whole curvy body, big ass thing that guys are attracted to. I just find her attractive as a whole honestly.

Legs – Stacy Kiebler

By far the easiest one to pick for me. I would watch Dancing of the Stars clips just to see her. I’ve voted her my favorite girl of all time and I still have her at the top of my list. If there is any other female who even competes with Stacy’s leg, I would like to know.