Chuck Klosterman 23 Questions – Question 4

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called “super gorilla.” Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and–most notably–a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be “borderline unblockable” and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

In 2004, I’m just going to assume the Raiders are one of the worst teams in the league. Is this Gorilla going to make the game completely unfair? Better put, can offenses out maneuver a 700 pound beast? Considering he’s nearly unblockable, he’s going to put pressure on the QB nearly every passing play and alter every single game plan of every team. He’s really dumb though and probably can be outsmarted easily so I think you could put together game plans to work around him. That being said I think there are 10 other guys on the field and one dumb, 700 lb gorilla isn’t going to change the entire landscape of the game. You just alter your game plan and adapt.