I Wish I Were a Tipping Dick


Seann William Scott talking to Breckin Meyer’s penis.

(Squeaky voice)
– It ain’t easy being Josh’s penis. We’ve been here two months, and I feel like I’m in a coma.
– Stop it.
– I wish I was your dick, EL.


A Tipping Dick

negativetipThe Road Trip reference also has absolutely nothing to do with this post other than it was the first thing I thought of when I started with the title, “I Wish I Were a Dick”.  I decided to throw in a keyword to make the post more SEO compliant but this sort of turned it completely unrelated to Road Trip.  That’s ok, one man talking to another man’s penis is always funny,

I am way too nice of a person specifically to people who are in the service industry and I’ve never met before and will never see again.  Here are some examples of my generosity.

  • I gave Anthony, the bebopping homeless guy that I see everyday, a $5 dollar bill.  My logic was that it was Thanksgiving and I wanted to be nice.  The idea that this may fend off further attempts for asking me for money also struck my brain.  However, once he forgets about that $5 in the next few days, he’ll return again asking me to buy him a Coffee Croissant at Dunkin Donuts.
  • I was playing poker over the weekend and I tip on every pot i win even if it’s only 3 dollars.  I’ll tip multiple dollars if the pot gets sizable.  I see players scoop hundreds of dollar pots and never give more than a buck.  I have no idea why I feel compelled to give more money than necessary.
  • In an even worse scenario at 2am playing a table game called Pai Gow, I was giving a dealer $5 for my wins of $60 and I ended up getting felted by night’s end.  I probably gave the dealer 50 bucks and I lost hundreds.
  • After losing hundreds, I took a $7 dollar cab ride and gave the driver $15 and said keep the change.  100% tip?!?!
  • I routinely tip over 20% at meals.  I don’t even think of giving less than 20% and always err to the high side.  The guy could spit in my food and call me an asshole and I’d feel bad if I didn’t give him his “deserved” 20%.

poortipMy only explanation for why I do these things (and drinking could be one but I do this sober too) is that I feel that I’m much better off than the people who I’m giving the money to.  The idea that I want them to like me makes no sense because I’ll never see them again.  Why I feel this urge to tip ridiculously well is bordering on stupidity.  Maybe since I give very few of my dollars to charity I feel this is giving back.  I honestly have no idea.  Anyone else far too generous?

By |2014-12-01T15:44:46-05:00December 1st, 2014|My Life|1 Comment


I was doing a couple of tasks at the same time today and I thought to myself, “I’m really juggling a lot of balls today.” Then I laughed for a second. Then I thought to myself “no homo.” Then I thought that I probably don’t have to say no homo if I didn’t even say the comment aloud. Then I thought that I probably don’t even have to say no homo if I’m never going to produce a homo thought. So if you are actually using the “no homo” it means that you probably say a lot of homo things and need to distinguish between the two. Shit like this goes through my mind and prevents me from being productive from time to time.

I got on the scale yesterday at LA and weighed in at 181. This was a bit high for me as I think I should be around 170 at absolutely my best running shape. With the broad street run looming, now is the time for me to put forth the effort. I’m going to try to lose 11 lbs before the race. This isn’t like girls thinking their fat and making failed attempts at losing weight. Losing 11 lbs isn’t impossible but it’s going to take a lot of work because I probably have 5 or so lbs of fat to lose and the rest is probably alcohol weight. This isn’t a lazy effort and I’ll keep up to date info on here. If I can get down to that weight I guarantee I go under 60 minutes. Today I ran a bit under 29 minutes for 5 miles so I know my legs are going to get there when I start running some 10-15 mile runs. As I’m getting older this is obviously some of my last chances in my “prime” to run some good times, so I’m going to take it as seriously as I can. I would really like to cut out the majority of alcohol from my life because it really hinders a person trying to run seriously. I’m not going to say I’m going to swear it off but I will make an attempt to keep it in control for the next few weeks.

When you can’t think of anything to write about it’s best to write about something you know. On that note, I need a new drink of choice. These rum and cokes are killing me. I seriously must have had 25 small cups of rum and cokes in AC on Saturday. It’s not just the alcohol that messes with your system, it’s the coke as well. It’s not even that it’s my favorite drink but when you go to order it, it’s the simplest for the bartender to make and not fuck up. I’ve been through a couple stages of drinks. There’s rarely a beer on tap that I haven’t tried. I started drinking Bacardi and Cokes in college. Then moved to Tangeray and tonics. I had a Jameson phase that was proceeded by a Gray Goose on the rocks phase. Probably my drink of choice, as gay as it is, would be Goose with not OJ but a pineapple, strawberry, grapefruit mix that Dole makes. Here’s the problem, I like drinking whatever is on special because I tend to drink alot and I don’t like blowing my cash on alcohol so whatever is on special is what I make do (due?). Well drinks are cheap alcohol which tend to find the special list. Cheap gin and tonics are no good. I stay away from cheap vodka because I don’t like it’s mixers, especially cranberry juice. That leaves whiskey and rum which go best with coke. It’s a real conundrum. Also the tipping on drinks is costing me so much money that if I donated it all to a charity they could easily have in excess of 5,000 dollars over the course of my drinking career. Just some quick math. If I drink 2 nights a week, an order 6 drinks a night for 50 weekends a year over 5 years @ one buck per drink we get (2x6x50x5)= 3,000. For what it’s worth I can have WAY MORE than 6 drinks a night not to mention how many weeknights I’ve been out. I didn’t even account for Thursdays and Holiday’s. If you want to include tipping dealers at casinos tack on another grand at least and then for food is another 5k (which is such a long shot guess and probably well undervalued). Just think how fucked up this whole tipping angle is and then consider how generous a person I am.

Off on a tangent like usual, I openly say I have a drinking problem. People will say, “well that’s the first step to solving it.” Let me just say that knowing you have a problem and then solving it are eons away from each other. I don’t have a physical addiction to alcohol. I don’t drink Sunday-Wednesday (sometimes but I don’t let it interfere with my work schedule). Thursday through Saturday is another story. Once I get started there’s no stopping until I’m too retarded to function. It’s not fun to get that drunk all the time but once you get 10 drinks in you, the decision making process is a bit impaired. The thought process behind it is quite simple though. If you work 5 days a week, M-F, and you put in the 40 hours and feel the pressure behind making your own company work, living the straight arrow life is obviously the best option for being successful. Most likely though, you won’t have fun doing it. My view is I just spent 4/5 straight days keeping myself in check and now I want to have fun. I PERCEIVE alcohol with having fun, this has been problematic over the course of my life, but I’ve spent weekends sober and I know what to expect. So I’m well aware of what I’m doing. I can easily not drink if I didn’t want to but I’d be ridding myself of entertainment and sometimes life is more than just work. All work and no play make TC a dull boy.

By |2010-03-16T00:52:54-04:00March 16th, 2010|My Brain|1 Comment


Today I thought about how much money I’ve spent in my lifetime on tips. Every time I go to the bar and order 1 drink, I tip a dollar. Say I order 10 drinks a night, which is 20 a weekend and 50 weekends a year. That’s 1,000 dollars a year. 1500 gross paycheck dollars. In one year I guess I tip casino dealers at either the poker table or blackjack close to another 500 dollars. Say I play poker for 6 hours, drag 20 pots and tip between 2-3 dollars, that’s 60 a session, 5 sessions a year and then to count drunk tipping to hot cocktail waitresses. Now I factor in tipping on food which I usually think 20 percent is reasonable. This could total 20 a week, 50 weeks and that’s another grand. So I just estimated 2500 after tax dollars that come directly from me and go directly to someone else. I pay someone 1 dollar to pour some beer and glass and give it to me. 20 percent to write down my order and serve my food and ask if I need a refill. People who work in the service industry always say that’s how they make their money, off tips, so don’t be stingy. I hear people say they need the money more than I do. That may be true but there’s a reason I have money. I don’t go to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week so that I can spend it tipping anyone who is just doing their job. Anyone who reads this that lives off tips will probably think I’m a douche for this opinion but I don’t skimp on tips, ever. Even if the service is terrible I still believe in tipping. However, when I really go over my expenses this is one that I’m not sure people are even in the same arena when it comes to how much I blow. Sorry for no paragraphs, rants tend to not break.

By |2010-01-27T19:21:00-05:00August 17th, 2009|My Brain|0 Comments

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