Hot Take – Pop Up Beer Gardens Suck

Shitty Beer Garden in Philly

Shoot me now.

I’m so over the fad of Pop Up Beer Gardens that it’s not even funny. Everyone is the same shitty formula.

  1. Pick a deserted parking lot.
  2. Put a trailer that sells luke warm beer. I’ll add that it’s always exotic beer to be “different” and it usually sucks.
  3. Put a trailer that has bathrooms that smell like shit. The people who run them don’t take care of them so the trash is always overloaded and toilets overflowing.
  4. Add a few tables and hammocks and sell overpriced food that is wildly overrated.

635747560728277850-1106671478_3rd paragraphThe problem is people are idiots who convince themselves that it’s fashionable to go to pop up beer gardens. THEY ARE THE FAKEST PLACE ON THE PLANET. These places are packed to the brim for the sheer reason that people “think” that they are good. I can’t think of one time I’ve had a good time at a pop up beer garden. My first thought when I get there is when are we going to leave. I understand that there aren’t a lot of places to drink outside but these places are thrown together by hipsters who have no idea how to run a business. They don’t even have TV’s!

 

The King of Pop Ups – Spruce Street Harbor Park

Looks fun? It's not.

Looks fun? It’s not.

I went to VisitPhilly.com and read through their list of the 15 FUN things to do at Spurce St Harbor Park and I’ll refute each one (this is back in 2015 FWIW).

  1. Enjoy the return of Spruce Street Harbor Park a full month early for 2015. – No.
  2. Where to start? The best place: Relax in a Hammock. – No thank you. Hammocks are fun for about 1 minute until you realize you’re not that comfortable and are just pretending to be.
  3. Play a Game of Bocce – I actually like Bocce but most likely the court will be taken.
  4. Or a Game of Shuffleboard – Not that fun of a game.
  5. spruce-street-harbor-park-chess2-920vpOr a Game of Giant Chess – Chess is a great game but set up 5 tables with chess and you’ve done 5x better than a giant chess game. This idea that giant chess is a good idea is what pisses me off.
  6. Get out on the river on a kayak or paddle boat – The last thing I would want to do is get wet in the middle of the Delaware, shit infested, water.
  7. Or head a short walk north of Spruce Street Harbor Park and check out the brand new Blue Cross RiverRink Summerfest – I’ve been to the Winterfest and find myself thinking the same exact thoughts about wanting to leave.
  8. Thirsty? Back at Spruce Street Harbor Park, sip on a delicious brew at the Visit Philly Beer Garden Series this summer – I love beer. I honestly believe that any place is acceptable as long as there is beer. Problem is they serve beers that appease the non-beer drinker. The session IPA that’s 4.%. The Love Stout which is a HORRIBLE beer. The fruit beer that absolutely nobody wants.
  9.  Hungry? Grab a bite to eat at one of a number of new awesome spots on the boardwalk.  – The food sucks. Bottomline. Truck food is rarely dynamite.
  10. SpruceStHarborPark-24-M.Edlow-920vpGet your picture taken on the #visitphilly chair – This is what I’m talking about. You’d have to be an idiot to WANT to do this. Ok. If there’s a big chair sitting on a dock, I understand wanting to get a picture but why the fuck would you want to go there to do this?!?!?
  11. Catch a sunset from the floating barge – I’m not going to argue with beautiful sunsets. You’ve hit a soft spot.
  12. Stroll the boardwalk along the banks of the river – This isn’t an activity. This is called “I’d rather be at home watching Game of Thrones”.
  13. what-the-hell-is-a-sodosopaMake it a date night – Gonna need a date for this one.
  14. Marvel at the park’s beauty come nightfall – No comment. I’m sure it’s great.
  15. Spruce Street Harbor Park and Blue Cross RiverRink Summerfest open May 22. Get excited. – I’m not.