bad santa – We Don't Walk Slow

My 5 Favorite Movie Assholes

Tom Stortz — Wed, 04 Feb 2015 01:33:50 +0000

5 Movie Assholes

A few of my favorite movies contain characters who are complete assholes. It’s much more fun watching assholes than being one. This list comprises 5 of my favorite assholes.

Guy Trilby from Bad Words
Aside from Arrested Development, it’s safe to say this is Jason Bateman’s most likable role. Guy Trilby is a dick. He sets out to accomplish one task and says fuck you to anyone else along the way. He befriends a young boy (a theme in this post) and they have a hot and cold relationship. I’d hardly say the movie was 4 stars but it’s one that you could pick up anywhere and find a few laughs. One of my favorite scenes below.

Chaitainya Chopra: What was the word you spelt to win your regional to get here?
Guy Trilby: I don’t fucking remember. Do you see my eyes closed?
Chaitainya Chopra: Mine was inteligencia.
Guy Trilby: Awesome.
Chaitainya Chopra: Come on, try. How could you forget? It such a special word.
Guy Trilby: It was autofellatio. Okay?
Chaitainya Chopra: Yeah.
Chaitainya Chopra: I’ve never heard of that word. What’s its origin?
Guy Trilby: Loneliness. If you don’t point that curry-hole that way and sit your fucking ass down on that seat, I’m gonna tell the Captain that your bag’s ticking.

Willie Stokes from Bad Santa
An obvious pick on this list and Billy Bob’s finest role. A thieving alcoholic stows away with Thurman Murman for a wild ride that ends with a pink elephant. Willie was big on fornicating with heavy set women in the Big and Tall but that barely nicks the surface of his character. Let’s not forget this dime.

Kid: What are their names?
Willie: Who?
Kid: The Elves.
Willie: Shit, I can’t remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there’s a Dopey…
Kid: That’s the seven dwarfs!
Willie: You’re shittin’ me? I thought… I was thinking there was a… I don’t know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them… I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys.
Willie: What the FUCK is wrong with you? I can’t remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
Kid: How old are they?

Sack Lodge from Wedding Crashers
Bradley Cooper’s name is actually Sack Lodge in this movie. Although not a huge role in this, he made the most of what he was given. Another movie where Vince Vaughn is referred to as a “big tree”.

“I hunt quail, Jeremy. They’re overpopulated in this region and they’re decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that? “

Army Ranger Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade from Scent of a Woman
Hoo-AH!!! Al Pacino plays a blind ex-ranger who befriends a high school boy to take him on a “last” trip. His abrasive attitude gave off an asshole vibe but he shines through in the end. Who lets a blind man drive a Ferrari!

Funniest Christmas Scenes

Tom Stortz — Tue, 24 Dec 2013 15:15:15 +0000

Here are a few of the funniest Christmas scenes I came up with. Do you know any better?

Step Brothers Deleted Scene – Dale and Brennan Open Presents
“I’m going down to the Cheesecake Factory to have a drink.”
“Hulk Smash!”
“That doesn’t even count, I opened a box of shit.”
“I’m livid right now!”

Bad Santa – Boxing Scene
“You don’t drink, which is smart on your part.”
“I’m good in a fight because I can’t feel anything.”
“He’s a fucking retard.”

Home Alone – Go Easy On the Pepsi
Some incredible acting by youngsters. Those faces are genuine.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – It’s a Bit Nipply
“There is a nip in the air.”
“She’s history.”
“Can’t see the line, can ya, Russ?”

A Christmas Story – I Can’t Put My Arms Down
“My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop”
“Put your arms down when you get to school.”

Bad Writing With Good Acting

Tom Stortz — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 05:22:31 +0000

As Jeff and I were driving back from a late night (Mario) party, we drove by the Union Transfer which is concert hall for rock events. It was about 32 degrees out and a concert just let out so people were all over the sidewalks. Jeff said that he’d always wanted to pick someone up and charge them less than a taxi would (what!). I than thought of picking up some randoms and having them think we were going to drive them somewhere and than jacking their stuff. This lead to the idea of us picking them up and reversing it so the strangers would hold us up. The weapon in this reverse stick up would be humorous and some funky object like a pen or slingshot. As we pondered this scenario it made me think that people who create Movies and TV shows are just constantly thinking of funny scenarios like this (I’m sure not everyone would think it’s funny). Good writing comes from this idea of being able to create scenarios which are both entertaining and tell a story. The good actors are the ones who can take a scenario as described and make it good. This brought about the idea that the best actors are the ones who can take mediocre writing and still make it better than the thousands of other actors out there. These are the people who deserve the awards.

Bad Writing with Good Acting
(I hope it’s not a surprise these are mostly comedy’s)

5. Jon Heder in Napoleon Dynamite

This story isn’t completely awful but the movie surrounds a geekish kid in the Midwest who runs for school President. It’s not a good plot and not much really happens throughout the movie but Jon Heder makes you enjoy watching Napoleon. He is the reason this movie is popular. If you didn’t laugh at that time traveling scene with the crystals…

4. Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura

Ray Finkle’s obsession with Dan Marino causes him to steal a dolphin and kidnap Marino in order to ruin the Dolphin’s Superbowl chances. I can’t see this idea coming to life with Will Ferrell being Ace Ventura. Carrey steals the show in every single aspect with his wackiness and oddball humor. I have to add though that he couldn’t overcome the writing of When Nature Calls so this ridiculous plot was far superior than 2. Nice scene.

3. Zach Galifinakis in The Hangover

I don’t particularly like Alan’s character (it tries too hard) but I can’t deny he was the best part of the first hangover. Over the top from every possible angle must rely on good acting because people don’t fall for bullshit. Stu and Phil are just Alan’s counterparts to this movie. Without the goofiness of Alan, this movie doesn’t have a part 2 and soon to be 3. Hard to perfect dumbness.

2. Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski

The plot to this movie is so horrendous that it’s good. The realism to the situation is acted out perfectly by Jeff Bridges. He’s a laid back guy who gets caught up in a unique situation with his hair trigger friend Walter. His acting is what brings the entire movie together because the Dude makes you like The Dude. Shut the Fuck up Donny!

1. Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa

I”m sort of partial here because I find the movie verbiage hilarious but this is the stupidest movie possible. An alcoholic and his midget partner rob malls. That’s it. A funny fat kid does some nice support but this movie has no substance whatsoever. Billy Bob envelopes Willie Stokes. It was the part he was born to play. This movie would get negative stars compared to the minimum 1 it received with Billy Bob at the helm. How to deal with a kid asking too many questions.

Honorable Mention
Ben Stiller in Zoolander – The male model plot line gives him some flexibility.
Mike Myers in Austin Powers – Austin Powers has good lines which makes him funny.

10 Funniest Movie Scenes

Tom Stortz — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 21:13:55 +0000

Here are my choices for the top 10 funniest movie scenes I’ve watched. I’ve watched various comedies from the 80’s like Airplane and Caddyshack and they don’t seem to carry the same humor that I find funny. I could have compiled this entire list with just Step Brothers and Super Troopers but expanded a little bit just because. I’m actually really disappointed that the quality of the scene with the gigantic cotton candy is terrible. I almost waited to post until I could take better footage with a camera of my own. I wasn’t able to find the Green Hornet’s gas gun which Sam knows cracks me up. I’m also sure there are tons I don’t remember but I still think this is a pretty solid list.

Step Brothers – I Smoked Pot With Johnny Hopkins

Super Troopers – Move That Gigantic Cotton Candy

Super Troopers – Liter of Cola

Austin Powers – I Also Like To Live Dangerously

Office Space – People Skills

Bad Santa- Fraggle Stick Car

Superbad – McLovin

Dumb and Dumber – Pets Heads Are Falling Off

Hangover – Rainman was a Retard

Zoolander – Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good