You don’t make this list on talent alone. Just because you got pulled over one time and you’re All Pro isn’t going to qualify you because that’s far too easy to compile. This list considers the degree of talent AS WELL AS how stupid and how many times you’ve been stupid. With that, I present to you the NFL’s All Con Team. All info I receive is from the website Wikipedia which I assume will save me from all copyright issues. I hope not to land on this list…
QB – Michael Vick
It’s surprising but not many QB’s get into much trouble. Vick will lead this team because I didn’t think Dante Culpepper’s incident with the Minnesota Viking Party Boat compared to the dog fighting scandal. He’s not that great of a QB considering he’s only thrown for 3,000 yards twice in his career and is known more for his legs and losing in the playoffs. If we opened this up to his brother Marcus Vick, I’m sure we’d have much more dirt than a dog fighting scandal.
RB – Cedric Benson –
Cedie has had 3 1,000 yard seasons as a RB but his arrests allow him to make this team. We’ll move to list format for these because they are hilarious.
– Before the start of the 2008 season, Benson was arrested for allegedly operating a boat while intoxicated and resisting arrest. “I’m not handcuffed. I’m not under arrest. I’m not threatening him. I’m not pushing him. I’m not touching him. And he sprays me right in the eye.”
– Benson was arrested for driving while intoxicated in Austin on June 7, 2008. Benson has denied the police officers’ allegations, and insisted that he ‘aced’ the field test
– On June 29, 2010, Benson was arrested for assault with injury after reportedly punching a bartender in the face
– On July 17, 2011, Benson was arrested in Austin, Texas for a misdemeanor charge of assault causing bodily injury to a family member.
– On January 23, 2013 it was disclosed that Benson was charged with having animals run without control, and ticketed in December 2012 and again in January 2013 by Manitowoc County, WI authorities. Court appearances will happen in January and February 2013. Benson was also cited for driving 41 miles over the speed limit on January 1, 2013
RB – Marshawn Lynch
Marshawn has given new meaning to the term “beast mode” and has one of the most amazing runs in NFL playoff history. He has an affinity for Skittles, grills (the mouth kind) and Applebee’s. Let’s also not forget DUI’s, guns, and car accidents. Back to list mode.
– 5/31/2008, his 2008 Porsche Cayenne SUV hit a 27-year-old woman and kept going. The woman suffered a bruised hip and cut on her thigh requiring seven stitches. Charges was dropped because the female was dancing in the street and was not seriously injured.
– 2/11/2009, Arrested on felony gun charge in Culver City, Calif., after police discovered his loaded firearm in vehicle.
– 7/14/2012, Arrested on suspicion of DUI in Alameda County in Northern California.
RB – OJ Simpson
Everyone is familiar with the murdering he’s gotten away with so let’s actually focus on football for a change.
At USC, Simpson led the nation in rushing in 1967 when he ran for 1,451 yards and scored 11 touchdowns. He also led the nation in rushing the next year with 355 carries for 1,709 yards. In 1968, he rushed for 1,709 yards and 22 touchdowns, earning the Heisman Trophy, the Maxwell Award, and the Walter Camp Award that year. His pro career was just as impressive as he gained 11,236 rushing yards, placing him 2nd on the NFL’s all-time rushing list when he retired; he now stands at 18th. He was named NFL Player of the Year in 1973, and played in six Pro Bowls. He was the only player in NFL history to rush for over 2,000 yards in a 14 game season and he’s the only player to rush for over 200 yards in six different games in his career. Simpson was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1985, his first year of eligibility.
WR – Plaxico Burress
Plax is an above average WR but the way he found himself in jail is what sets him apart. On November 28, 2008, Burress suffered an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound to the right thigh in the New York City nightclub LQ in the Lexington in NYC owned by GM Jim Marino when his Glock pistol, tucked in the waistband of his sweatpants, began sliding down his leg; apparently in reaching for the gun he inadvertently depressed the trigger, causing the gun to fire. Can someone please explain how you get into a club wearing sweatpants?
WR – Kenny Britt
Kenny is a good player that never plays. Whether it be injuries or run ins with the law, he has a far greater reputation as a bad boy than he does with his skills. He makes this team strictly for his arrests, which are many. “I’ll be the first to admit I got caught in some difficult circumstances, and made some bad decisions in my past, but all that changed me as a person, and I learned from it and got stronger from it.” 2011 was a rough year but look on the bright side, nothing in 2013. I’m expecting big things from my man Kenny who holds great value in late rounds of fantasy drafts.
– 1/15/2010, Arrested on three outstanding traffic warrants after being pulled over in Glen Ridge, N.J.
– 8/4/2010, misdemeanor citation in Nashville for driving on a revoked license. He was pulled over for having the window tinting too dark on his Chevy Camaro.
– 2/9/2011, Criminal complaint filed against him alleging theft by deception. He allegedly failed his pledge to pay two bail bonds companies for friend arrested in January 2010.
– 4/12/2011, Arrested in New Jersey after car chase with police. Charged with felony: eluding an officer.
– 6/8/2011, Arrested in New Jersey on two counts of resisting arrest. He allegedly tried to conceal a marijuana cigar from police, just a day after pleading guilty to careless driving in April.
– 7/20/2012, Arrested and charged with DUI as he attempted to pass through a security gate at the Fort Campbell Army base, Fort Campbell, Ky.
TE – Aaron Hernandez
This ongoing investigation for the murder of Odin Lloyd will find Aaron Hernandez guilty of murder on multiple accounts. HE’S HOLDING A GUN! I have a made previous posts about this here and here and he definitely did it. He was actually a very good tight end in his short lived career. Oddly, TE’s are fairly well behaved and he tops the list for being current. He’s also being looked at for a 2012 double homicide that he’s linked to and also a 2013 Florida shooting where he shot someone’s eye out. In 2007, while at Flordia College, he was also in a bar fight where he was underage and left without paying the check. The bouncer disputed the check and Hernandez punched him in the back of the head. Not a good guy here.
K – Sebastian Janikowski
The Oakland Raiders are the team to play on if you have legal troubles. They were NWA’s favorite team and Al Davis was notorious for wanting the meanest, baddest players who have the most trouble abiding by the rules. C-Bass fits in as the strongest legged kicker in the game. I’ll always take him on my fantasy team.
– 9/20/2003, arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor assault, misdemeanor vandalism and public drunkenness after an altercation at a Walnut Creek nightclub.
– 10/2/2002, charged with one count of felony possession of a controlled substance after being found with a designer drug during a police sweep.
– 6/21/2000, cited for two misdemeanor counts of drunken driving in Oakland.
So there you have it. I’ll have a defensive list coming in the next few days. A few people I missed were Julian Edelman, Brandon Marshall, Michael Irvin, Randy Moss, Terry Glenn, Vincent Jackson, and Ricky Williams… Who’d you like to see?