Late Saturday night I was talking with Steve and Arpita after a night of drinking. We were discussing relationships, or my lack thereof, and Arpita thought that going shopping with me and going out on some dates with her friends or through the internet was a good idea. At 2 am this sounded like a terrific idea and I agreed to make it happen because she was ecstatic I would become her Barbie. This will all be documented through the blog which I’m sure will make for interesting material.
So why does it take a concerted effort to make something like this happen? Do I not have the ability to go to the mall and then find girls myself? Of course the answer is yes I do but the reality of the situation is that I don’t. Having a spur to make you do something will sometimes force it to happen. However, I still wonder why I prefer solitude to company. The solitary person is me. The REAL me. When I’m by myself I do things that I like. I can read, watch TV, play games, or whatever it is that at that moment in time I feel like doing. I don’t have responsibility for anyone else and there’s no real life pressure. It’s the most conservative way to live on this planet. I don’t engage fully in society because I basically don’t have to. I have to make myself be social for various reasons.
1) Fulfillment. You can’t achieve total satisfaction by being a loner. An Orson Wells quote, “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” I have some really good friendships and I know that they will be with me for life. This makes me want to break myself from any shell.
2) Experience. The person who doesn’t do anything, doesn’t live life. You are given a short period of time on Earth to experience all it has to offer. There probably isn’t any better answer to the purpose of life other than to experience it. It’s completely possible to experience life by yourself but close friends and family to experience it with is what truly counts.
3) Growth. You don’t even realize it when you are living but you are constantly maturing as an individual. Every day you learn and try to better yourself. Relationships help improve your being. Interacting with people is essential to becoming the person you want to be. You learn from other people what you like or dislike about them and see how that can relate to yourself.
Those points being noted I still find myself feeling off in social situations. On Saturday I went to a bar to watch the NCAA games with 2 people I knew and 20 I didn’t. This is a hard situation to master. It isn’t fun at times when you are standing there basically forcing yourself to communicate with someone just so you don’t have to be alone. Some people thrive in social situations like this and there is none of this awkwardness I speak of. For the rest of us, I hope I’m not alone.
So when it comes to going out on dates and looking for someone to share my life with, it doesn’t come naturally for me. I’m looking for a very specific person and it’s this reason I’m very judgmental and make excuses for why it won’t work instead of finding ways to make it work. I’m looking for someone who is out of school because I’ve been working for 6 years directly out of college and that part of my life is finished. Someone who isn’t going to spaz if I don’t respond to a text message or miss calls. No drama. We get along and enjoy spending time together. I also have to be ready to say “ok, I’m ready to be responsible.” I sort of thought that I’d miraculously find this person but there requires some involvement on my end to make this happen. It’s not the fear of rejection as much as it’s the fear of a lifestyle change.
I don’t usually get this introspective but sometimes they make for good entries. Readers can relate to how I perceive things from a first hand view on this date in time. 1 week from now I may feel completely different. And so it goes.