As each year passes by I refine my purpose on this planet. I’ve wrote this entry dozens of times over the years but one more doesn’t hurt. My life without work is a shitshow.
The past 4 days of not working are me wasting time not in the best fashion. 4 days of this leads me to question what I’m even supposed to be doing and that starts feeling depressing. It’s not loneliness as I’m spending time with other people. The drinking doesn’t help but I even did a better job than past years at curbing that to a moderate degree. I watch some TV, play some chess, and bowl but it’s killing time with no means in ends. I’ve lost the ability to enjoy time spent as relaxing.
I know this because when I went to work today I spent 5 straight hours packing orders, answering the phone, and running a business and the time flew by. I wouldn’t say I felt alive, but at least I felt productive. This is the entire paradox of it all:
I work to make money…so that I can spend money to live…yet I spend the money in absurd fashions. Living life pretty much always costs me more money than I want it to and I don’t nearly enjoy it as much as I should. Some alternatives to how I usually waste my time:
- In my teens and 20’s I wasted more hours than I can count on video games and I’m not going back.
- I could give up drinking and devote a life towards some activity that will turn me into an overzealous zealot.
- Go on as many dates as possible to stop being “single” for the sake of not being single and then having someone else who I can share my self pity with.
- Move to the mountains and live in a log cabin by a pond like Henry David Thoreau.
- Keep doing what I’m doing even though I know what I’m doing is only passing time and although I’m getting less destructive, it’s still not “living”
The hardest part for me is the work aspect of life because I spend so much time doing it, that when I’m not doing it, I want to do anything else balls to the wall. I don’t want to spend weekends pretending like I’m happy. The converse though is getting wasted and feeling regret about whatever I did and the damaging effects to my body.
I look back and consider that I’m still doing whatever I was doing in my 20’s, in my 30’s, and it’s a bit unsettling as I see my friends getting married and having children. Some guys do it because they feel like they should and I’m doing my best to not force anything, but I’m also not trying hard enough. It’s also odd that I tend to ponder these situations coming off these long weekends that are alcohol induced and tend not to think much about them when I’m living a sober life style. It’s like the alcohol wearing away brings the self loathing but the without it life seems dull. I suppose I should be happy all I’m complaining about is alcohol and not the mess of other problems available.
Don’t worry about me though, I’m all good and the blog will march onward but I wanted to give a life update.